Crowded House
First post / vent in this group. I have been lurking for a while and decided to put this situation out there. Married 15 years with 3 SD (22, 23, 24), 1 DD (25), and together DD (14). We had a very rocky road for many years, but things evened out for all of us when the older girls were in their late teens. DD(22) has been living with us for the past 3 years with her son(3). This was the first time that any of the SD's resided in our house and DH was in his glory. We had such a tumultuous time with BM when they were young we never would have thought we would have seen the day and of the SD's lived with us.
She lost her job shortly after moving in and has been struggling to keep a new one (some her fault and some not). She is not contributing financially to the house and certainly does not go the "extra mile" to help out with any housework unless asked. A few months ago she let us know she was preggers with the new boyfriends baby. New boyfriend is a nice kid and is currently a full time college senior. He stays with her (us) about 80% of the time. They proposed a "plan", and we agreed, to save money and move out of our house after he graduates in the spring. However, I do not see this plan coming to life. She works very few hours, calls out constantly, spends frivolously and he doesn’t work. They don't know how to save and she gets offended when we ask to see their savings - I have yet to see any financials and she hasn’t made any of the expected payments we agreed upon.
For me, I need to see their plan progressing in order to continue to allow them to stay here. The future I have planned does not include living with and supporting 2 adults, a toddler, and an infant for an extended period of time. I have become so pre-occupied with what they are doing and spending their money on, it is taking a toll on my marriage. I complain constantly to whoever will listen when I see them going out to eat or buying new things. I tried having a sit down with both SD and boyfriend to let them know what i am feeling and what I expect. They just are not getting it. DH is taking a hands off approach and and is much more easy going about the situation than I. After all, I was in agreement to let them stay here so they could save. My relationship with SD is becoming toxic because she isn't meeting my expectations and DH is starting to blame me for my negative attitude. My attitude is - show me the money or move out. SD’s response to show me the money – that’s her personal business and she will not show her paystubs or bank statements.
Should I zip it and suck it up until next summer when their plan to move out magically comes to life?
No she does not need to show
No she does not need to show you what money they do or don't have, but you do need to set a firm date and let them know that is the date they need to be out by.
I would make sure your DH is also fully aware that the set date is the date and they will be packed and moved on that day.
Any financials they are relying on your for gets cut off now.
Thanks for the reply and
Thanks for the reply and different point of view. Whether or not she "shows me the money" is a real sticking point between SD and I. My feelings are that if you have the privilege of living in our home with your boyfriend and child without contributing financially, then you should be willing to do what makes me comfortable with the situation. In my case, I need to see progression of savings so that the move out is realistic. It will be hard for everyone involved to give them the boot with zero in the bank. Afterall, the only reason you staying here rent free is to be able to save. So showing me the money shouldn't be an issue IMO.
I agree because, obviously,
I agree because, obviously, she is not very responsible when left to her own devices.
Absolutely not
This is a tough situation - two adult-children with kiddos. You certainly do not want them out in the street , but all your talks and hand-holding is not working at all. On top of everything else, your SD is being toxic and not at all appreciative of the help you and your DH are providing.
Time to up the ante. Make it not so comfortable. Sit down with your DH and get him on the same page as you are. You absolutely have the rights to expect those two moochers to move into their own place. Since talking to them does nothing, you can just let them know how you feel and that you expect them to have a new place by January. Revisit the plans that you had discussed earlier. If no one wants to contribute make it not so comfortable. Be a little bit of a b!tch.
The thing I think you are wanting to avoid is all out war, because you do not want the SD to hold the kids hostage. Its unlikely because then who would take care of buying presents and all that.
Thats why homeless shelters
Thats why homeless shelters exist.
Time for them to start paying
Time for them to start paying rent. You can secret that money away in a savings account for them. It can be your gift to them when they move out, money they thought was gone.
I was totally on board with
I was totally on board with doing this. We started about 6 months ago with SD agreeing to pay the electric bill. We were going to save it and give back for her to use to move out. However, her lights would have been shut off already because she didn't make one payment and is in the hole around 1500. We then tried setting up a payment plan for her to pay off the past due electric. Wasn't able to make any payments on the reduced paymemt plan either. Hence, my need to see that she isn't blowing evey dime she is earns.
Oh man, no way would I be
Oh man, no way would I be zipping anything. Zapping someone, maybe, but I would not zipping my mouth shut.
If SD doesn't want you in her financial business, she needs to move out. If that means signing up for Section 8 housing, so be it. Really, she has some nerve.
I was about to suggest the
I was about to suggest the same thing as Ispofacto
But someone is going to have
But someone is going to have to enforce that and it doesn't sound like she has her husband's support in this.
*dash1* LOL
*dash1* LOL
Since your H likes to have
Since your H likes to have such a hands off approach I'd have a talk with SD and her BF and let them know that by this set date you expect for them to have their own place and be out your house. Give them notice and if they don't you will have a Uhaul to remove all their sh!t.
They are going to continue smooching off of you because they've been allowed to with no expectations to move out. Your H is not putting his foot in their ass. What incentive does SD & BF have to move out when they are living rent free and doing absolutely nothing with themselves?
I'd take it upon myself and do it. If your H doesn't like it, tell him that next time he should be more hands on and handle his free loading daughter.
So you know that she's not saving...
Which would make launching quite difficult. Perhaps a sit down with your DH to explain that you have been kind enough to let his grown DD and her child live rent free for xx period of time as long as they were saving, however, her lack of saving is not going to indicate an extension. That is simply rewarding bad behaviour. Tell him that you really want her to be a fully functional adult and Mom and sometimes we need to force our little lovlies out into the world to help them...hehe... Then send him to tell her because it would be better coming from her Dad rather than her SM!!
You have every right to ask
You have every right to ask for financials because the condition of them living with you rent free was that they would save. And they clearly haven't. Why did she even think it ok to become pregnant again when she has no home of her own to support the first 'mistake'?
She will not move out because there's no incentive to do so. She doesn't pay rent nor does she pay anythng else that's been agreed upon - but there are no consequences.She is taking the piss - and your DH is letting her. I would NOT be 'putting up and shutting up' in my own home; I would be raising merry hell.
Never "zip it" because you'll suffer for it
I'm with you, there needs to be a progressive timeline. You've got your head screwed on right!
If DH is blaming you, it's because it's really HIS FAULT, and he is shifting the blame.
Never allow this to continue. Y
Your sd's finances are non of
Your sd's finances are non of your business and sd's problem is NOT yours! She needs to move out. Now! If she wants to insist her finances are only her business then she needs to accept that her problem is only hers too! She is making HER problem YOURS.
Has she ever looked for a
Has she ever looked for a place on her own? Does she have the skills to be able to do this or did prior boyfriend do this for her.
Also, about mr college freshman. It is not unreasonable to expect mr freshman to have a Saturday job for now as he did help with getting step daughter in the family way.
Time to ease them into responsibility or it ends up a massive shock (I had my first baby a month before my 23 rd birthday).
Ugh, what a mess. The thing
Ugh, what a mess. The thing is, your SD thinks you and DH are all talk and no action, because well - you are. You ask her to pay bills, she'd doesn't. You ask her to show she's saving, she doesn't. And nothing happens. So why should she think she has to follow what you've said? Not only is she not paying anything, you guys have allowed her BF to stay over and now she's knocked up again.
For me, this would be headed towards a deal breaker. I'd have a Come to Jesus meeting with DH that I needed them out by whatever date and either they were gone or I would be. Then I'd serve her notice of that date legally (in case eviction proceedings are necessary) and push her out the door.
You and DH both are enabling this irresponsible, entitled behavior by letting her stay there. She is not married and can easily qualify for some sort of public assistance given that she has young children. The only way she is going to grow up is if she is shoved out of the nest.
If DH can't stomach that, then he'd be heading for divorce in my house.
This is what my stepdad did -
This is what my stepdad did -
took me and my then partner to look at houses within our budget so we learned the skill set to be able to do it ourselves.
Said that would make a lovely nursery, we will help you paint it etc.
I had been living in a shared house with friends after uni, but due to pricing in the area I must say I was a little bit clueless.
- or you could possibly help her with social housing if there is a list to go on like some others suggested. There’s no shame in it and it is a good starting point for many couples
No way if i we’re responsible for the home and mortgage that
i would let a knocked up skid freeloading and mooching in my house with her lover and kid from another father!!
No way i’d be working my arse with a fulltime job to maintain a home and mortgage and bills/groceries for 2 adults and kid plus baby on the way for 2 people who decided to open their legs and not be responsible for the kid(s) they brought and are bringing into the world that they have no intentions of being responsible for..
She already proved once that
She already proved once that she isn't responsible with her sex life and you guys let her boyfriend practically live there? Yikes. She needs to move out ASAP before she lines up baby daddy #3 before the age of 25.