Completely excluded from the other family ...
Not sure if this is the right forum for me. I am not actually married yet and I'm not sure if marriage is the right thing. But I definitely need an outlet.
Let me introduce myself. I've been dating my BF for over 7 years and, until recently, didn't live anywhere close to his family. We relocated so he could be closer to his family 3 years ago. To the BF's mother, I am the dog walker. His mother has met me exactly once ... in a darkened front yard ... and immediately asked if I was there to take the dog. My BF started to correct her but she said she was too busy to listen to what he had to say that night. So, the two of them left me outside to pet the dog while they went inside. His mother has refused to meet me since then.
I don't believe I have ever heard his college-age children actually address me so I don't know what they call me. They are polite enough to answer when I ask them a question but they will not ride in the same car as me, they refuse to stay in the same room as me, and they will not eat anything I cook. When I talk to my BF about their behavior, he says, "They feel uncomfortable so I told them didn't have to be in the same room if they didn't want to." He only invites them over when I'm on a business trip or if there is some emergency where they need to stay over. I have been explicitly excluded from ALL events: Christmas, Thanksgiving, birthdays, graduation, ... Saturdays, etc.
I should have mentioned in the beginning that I'm definitely NOT a passive-aggressive person. I'm direct but sensitive enough to know that each person matures at their own pace.
Recently, I've found myself doing passive-aggressive things like waiting until the girls are watching one of their favorite shows and then plopping down in the middle of the couch until they vacate the room. Another incident is when the BF's brother refused to make eye contact with me. I stood between him and the Super Bowl with my hand extended and this "innocent" smile on my face until he shook my hand.
Is this a phase? Is it normal to have a desire to make them feel uncomfortable?
Here is a bigger question ... Will my BF ever grow a spine when it comes to his family? He has always seemed like a mature adult but these past few years have shown me a different side.
I can't tell you want to do
I can't tell you want to do but if he's been this way for 7 years it's not likely he will change.
You need to decide exactly what you want out of the relationship.
Are you ok being excluded? If not then either make it change or say good bye.
Your not gonna get a better relationship with the daughters I'm sure but he could insist his other family show you some basic respect.
Really what do you want out of all this. If your unhappy then change.
The more I reflect on this
The more I reflect on this situation, the more I agree with you. Thanks!
Were you "the other woman"?
Were you "the other woman"? I can't imagine why every single family member from Mom to Brother to Kids all want to slight you and the BF thinks that is just peachy!
If you *are* the other woman... well, the whole lot of them are being ungracious, but what did you really expect? If you weren't, do they think you were? Or did you do something heinous?
I really can't wrap my mind around why/how so many family members could all fixate on this need to make you aware you are not wanted.
Well, your boyfriend is an
Well, your boyfriend is an ass and has no respect for you. That's really all you need to know.
Will it ever change? No. From the moment he realized he was in love with you (I'm going to assume that happened at some point), he should have declared you the love of his life and demanded that you be treated with respect. If not for you, yourself, than at least for the person that he loves. They don't have to love you but they should respect the fact that your boyfriend does.
I don't care for my dad's wife as a person but I respect the fact that she's my dad's wife. If I refused to be in the same room as her, my dad would tell me to have a nice day... elsewhere.
What's the back story? It's
What's the back story? It's hard to imagine the WHOLE family refusing to have anything to do you. Something had to have happened to make them all close ranks like that.
She has children and a
She has children and a granddaughter per her profile. No indication as to how they fit into all this.
Shun the woman who dares have
Shun the woman who dares have a relationship w/our father, son, brother! Shun! Shun!
Sounds like this behavior all stems from BF's mother who is a classic avoider. BF is ok with his mother ignoring you and leaving you outside. He's alright w/his entire family treating you like yo don't exist. The question is are you OK with it?
You can't change them or this wacky dynamic. It's a pretty black and white situation, either accept that you have been ghosted from the family or go to friendlier territory.
It is not a phase. It is the
It is not a phase. It is the buildup in you of the resentment and rage caused by years of ostracism and messaging of your "non-person" status. No psyche can take it.
This will just get worse over the years.
Do not marry.
Consider leaving the chap and finding someone who will honor and respect you rather than deliberately treat you like a dirty little secret or an odious pariah.