Bummed into SS
SS two years ago told both his dad and I off, said we would never know his daughter, told us what terrible parents we were, etc. Husband has from time to time emailed him to see if he would talk and he has ignored emails until this past month. He finally answered husband asking him what he wanted to talk about. Husband reminded him of his hateful outburt, SS replies that he had not even thought of the situation in a year.
SS lives an hour from us and we were going to a festival this past weekend in the town he lives. We were with friends. Husband stops and starts chatting to someone I did not even recognize and then I realized it was SS. He had gained 20 lbs in the past 2 years since I had seen him. Once I realized it was him my heart started pounding, I wanted to badly to just walk away, I felt sick to my stomach. I just started taking pictures of the surrounding buildings. I couldn't say "hi" and did not even look at him once I realized who he was.
Husband hugged him and introduced him to our friends. It all took about 5 minutes and we were on our way. I later told my husband that I hoped that I didn't upset him (husband) that I could not be social but that I am still very upset for the way he treated us and has never made things different. Husband tells me he feels the same. I gues that is where blood parents and steps draw their lines though.
I sometimes feel bad that I cannot be more forgiving but I was put thru the wringer with him and his brother and when I drew that final boundary line I think it was for good!
LOL! I meant that I BUMPED
LOL! I meant that I BUMPED into SS....guess you could tell what I was really thiking!!
wow that is so similiar to my
wow that is so similiar to my experiences..my sd's have been, for 18 yrs., critical and angry of of my husband and I and his first marriage to their mother who they treated badly too. It is astonishing to me as I view this as a generational issue. I had a sd also, as my own dad died when I was 14. I was happy my mom had someone and did not view it as a loss to me. Of course there were areas of her parenting that I was less than thrilled about, but I spent years in therapy coming to terms with the fact she did the best possible. why these kids of re marriage won't grow up is beyond me, and why my 41 and 38 yr old sd's compete (rather poorly) with our own lovely young adult kids is beyond me. If they had been nice to them over the last 2 decades our kids would be pounding the table to have their half siblings in their lives, not out of them. Angry entitled and jealous people that have exactly what they orchestrated...nada! Yeah its a process disengaging...and reading your experiences helps. Your ss is a bad father to his own daughter for not making sure she has a relationship with her gp, beyond his bad feelings! Someday his own daughter will diss him too, karma is a bitch!
For years when the kids were
For years when the kids were small I would tell my husband that the children would drive a wedge between us if we let them. I knew the boys wanted me to be no part of their lives. I thought if I kept trying, kept forgiving, provided a good home and was a good mom that one day they would eventually see the truth with their own eyes but that never happened. Now it seems that the boys are getting exactly what they always wanted- for me to be no part of their lives, and it's because I was the one who finally drew the limits to their behavior. They managed to chase me away all right and they will have no remorse on their part. They will have no compassion for what they put me thru or what their father had to endure, it's all about them and always has been.
It is not even a matter of forgivenss or a cold heart on my part. I find I get along well with people. I am a teacher and children love me. I just finally reached my limitations two years ago and have not looked back. I have no plans to ever be a part of these boys' lives again. They can have a relationship with their dad but I will be content to stay out.
My feelings towards my SSs is not good but I don't feel I have to make amends for that either. I can only hope that one day their garbage comes back to haunt them and that they will feel the pain they put me thru.
Sometimes you have to divorce
Sometimes you have to divorce your parents, kids, aunts etc. Your husband recognizes what his boy did and understands and shares your feelings so at least you have that.
My boy came around but it was only until he recognized that his mother was the actual problem that he did so and I suspect he sat on indecision for years.
I never tried to approach him in any way and just let him take his time to come around. I think that's the best way as it takes any power they may feel over the situation away from them. In actuality after a few years he had to realize that I, not him, had closed down the lines of communication and it was up to him to realize it was his mother who instigated his feelings - not me.
My hope for you is that he'll recognize how out of line he was and actually apologize to you but his return to the fold may not be all that dramatic. Only you can grasp his hand if he reaches out and only if you can forgive.
OrangeCountyCO, thank you for
OrangeCountyCO, thank you for your insight and sharing your situation. It helps me to see that this is actually possible reading your reply. My husband has custody of his sons from the age of 2 & 4, I had custody of my daughters from the age of 1 & 5. When we combined households my girls loved and accepted their stepdad. Their dad went on to remarry and they accepted their stepmom. The boys were non-accepting. I have always felt it had alot to do with the parents. My ex and I wanted the kids to accept the ex's partner and agree with the idea of telling the girls they had 2 moms and 2 dads. Ex did not object to my daughters calling their stepdad "dad" but it was not the same with the boys mom. She was possessive, tried to run the boys schedule not even having shared custody, husband had full custody, she was just pure evil. She would try to keep the boys from participating with my daughters in things going on in the home by telling them they did not have to be a part. She told them that they did not have to listen to me or mind me. I was the one with most of the responsibility to raise them and she was being vendictive. She filled the boys' heads with lies. It was just incredible the influence she had over the boys not even being in the same household. She is the time that you do not want to cross as you know she carries a heavy weapon everywhere she goes. I think the boys were fearful of dispointing their mom. She walked away from them once and they knew that she coudl easy do it again.
It is good to hear that your son came around and realized the harm your ex had caused. I hope one day the boys eyes will be open to the same.