At breaking point - advice needed pls
Hi All,
Have posted previously about serious issues with SD24. Long story short is that I have let her back into the house having been convinced by her mum that she had turned a corner in her life and we were making a fresh start. Christmas was ok but she caused a pathetic argument again yesterday that stinks out the whole house and I'm back to square one.
What really concerns me is that for really the first time ever I fear this will be the end of my marriage. The situation is unsustainable. I fear losing a parner I love dearly, but I don't know what else to do. We can kick her out again but does that solve anything? The ramifications of that don't really bear thinking about. A complete disconnect / estrangement from her daughter certainly would hurt my wife greatly.
What on earth to do. My wife tearfully said to me yesterday "I bet you wish you had never laid eyes on me." I didn't say anything but I sat there thinking right now you're probably right. That was an awful thought I felt terrible about. I'm just desperate. What do I do?
I'm right there with you. I
I'm right there with you. I feel the same way about my SO right now. I think about how normal my life was before he brought his toxic spawn into my life.
I think about how things are different between us and if they will ever get better. I truly love him but my honest feelings are that I will never be able to truly have a relationship with him as long as OSD is around. Because he doesn't have the ability to be a good partner when she is around. He allows her to disrupt the household and everyone in it. I say anything it becomes an unnecessary argument between us.
My only coping mechanism at this point is to make her as uncomfortable as possible when she is here so her stays are brief and she quickly exits. But ultimately every time she comes I lose respect for him as a man and a father. I also hate having to live my life where I have to endure the discomfort she causes even for that brief time.
It's sad because without her I have a great life when it's just SO, DS and YSD. It's hard to believe but it's true that one child and a dismissive parent can be that aweful for OP to live with.
If we make it until SD is an adult and if he had the audacity to bring her back into our home, I think I would probably lose it.
I'm in a similar position.
I'm in a similar position. SD20 took off to her grandmother for Christmas and the peace in our house was like a dream. She arrived back yesterday like nothing happened to continue her campaign of hatred and toxicity.
What I've started doing is naming my SD's behavior for what it is - emotional abuse. She's not wired normally and I have a degree of compassion for that but it doesn't mean she can keep doing the emotional equivalent of punching everyone (except DP) in the face.
My DP is tortured but I no longer join his pity party about it. In some respects he is looking for me to make the decision that she should go but I refuse to. He has enjoyed being the good guy in it all while also being in the position that he's the only one she doesn't abuse (she just uses him). As of yesterday we are in a similar situation. This morning I asked her to send us her work roster weekly and have told DP that I will limit my exposure to her accordingly. Nobody is worth losing sanity over.
I love my DP dearly but have prepared myself for a lifetime of some degree of poison from SD. What I'm working with my therapist on is how do I best protect myself from that poison while still living a healthy and fulfilled life. It's difficult because I'm an emotional sponge and for me, home is everything. I have however had to create other spaces in my life where I feel like myself because when she is here, I don't.
Know that you're not alone in it. You deserve a happy and peaceful life and don't let anyone else make you feel otherwise. She is not your problem to fix.
I'm like the mantra "accept it, change it or leave it, all else is madness". For now I've chosen a boundaried acceptance and will see how 2021 goes.
Gone, you know what the answer is.
You got lots of good advice last summer when you first posted about your situation.
Now here you are again, in the same situation wondering what to do. Here's where you start: Your wife opened up a door for you when she "tearfully" suggested you probably wished you never laid eyes on her. (This statement was quite manipulative, BTW. She is playing on you to keep being sympathetic and just let her continue with the SD dysfunction in the household.)
Go back to her TODAY and say this, "You know, your statement yesterday is getting to be closer and closer to the truth. I do think your daughter living with us has been a great detriment to our marriage. I'm going to look for a counselor (I will do it on-line or via phone) who can help ME figure out how to deal with this situation, or not. I'm telling you this because after 18 months of marriage, I do have signficant concerns about our future. I think it's time you also do some soul-searching and ask yourself what the priority is - keeping your daughter in your home, or keeping me as your husband."
Then do it. Don't let your DW continue to manipulate you so she can keep her piece of crap ADULT daughter in your home.
Thank you
Thanks 2Tired4Drama i couldn't agree more and this is exactly what we're doing. It's eerie how that comment has played on my mind all night and I've told her today we're having a serious discussion about our future and the future of her spawn. We're taking a walk this afternoon and I think it will, one way or the other, clear the air.
Good luck
I hope things work out for you. DH told me his 23-year-old son is moving in with us this winter. I spent 24 hours in total anxiety over the situation while I got my thoughts together, then told DH that it's my house too, and I am not okay with another adult moving in with us, even if that adult is his child. I started to go through my reasons, which led to a heated debate, but in the end, I held firm and and told him that I don't need to offer any justifications - I don't want his adult son living with us. He was upset but promised that he'd take action on it.
In our case, DH's adult son still asks for financial handouts from his dad, still asks for and gets very expensive christmas and birthday presents, still expects and gets all his travel paid for to and from our home, never helps out in the house in any way when he's here (such as doing the dishes, cooking a meal, purchasing groceries, shoveling snow), never cleans up after himself, takes my things without asking (my car, my bike, my backpack, other random, personal stuff that I bought and is not DH's or his to just take), and even asks DH to buy things to make our house more comfortable for him when he's here (gym equipment, a desk in the guest room so he could stay here indefinitely and work from our house!). It drives me insane, because when I turned 18 I was on my own like a real adult (other than paying for college directly), even though my parents were financially better off than DH! The "failure to launch" issue was so foreign to me before this situation! If I asked my parents for money or expensive gifts at 23-years-old, I imagine they would have just laughed at the absurdity of such requests. I kidded myself earlier in our relationship thinking that all the stepissues would go away when the skids turn 18, but in some ways they have gotten even worse.
My folks' response would've
My folks' response would've been the same. That said, neither I nor my siblings have ever asked for handouts of any kind. We had pride in ourselves and our folks modelled that. What an absolute disgrace that skids (and their parents!) behave this way. Kudos to you for taking this stand. I would do the exact same.
Good luck ! Remember to
Good luck ! Remember to drive home that it's not her daughter you dislike, it's her behavior and actions. Otherwise all you'll hear are accusations about how you just hate her daughter.
When kids are old enough to go
I had this situation last yr.
Covid saved me a bit. My steps stayed with mom in an early lockdown and haven't come back.
But before that hubby and I had been in counselling. The counselor had him start talking to his kids about where they see themselves in a couple years. To introduce the idea that there is a time limit to how long they live with us.
My son had already moved out. At 24 so I'm not rushing.
His kids are now 24 and 22.
You just need to steel yourself and talk about your future as a couple and the kid's future as an independent adult and go from there.
When me, one stepson has made a healthy transition. He texts veggie he comes over. The other refuses to and shows up whenever he wants - I work from home so he has come in and interrupted zoom meetings and startled me.
Now I have to talk about ending access.
Good luck. The reality is you two have to agree that there is a time limit to the kids living in the home and then to a plan to make that boundary clear.