Blinders On
I am completely at a loss. I have been married to my husband now for almost 10 years and have been dealing with his 3 adult children (all girls) since. The oldest one lives in Washington where she chooses to live on the street because she likes her drugs and her lesbian activities which is fine by me that doesn't bother me at all. The other two live here where we live because it was MY choice to move here to be closer to them for the grandchildren. The middle SD has 4 and the younger SD has 2 and I have been the only grandmother figure in their lives since their biological grandmother passed away 9 years ago. My DH and she had been divorced for many many years. From the stories I have heard... from not only the SDS but also every one of my DHs family members...she was the spawn of Satan so needless to say... the girls had a rocky childhood.Yes this was all my idea and my stupid stupid concoction to move closer to HIS kids to help with childcare being they both are very mentally damaged and can't keep a stable relationship. They both have been divorced and on and off in horrible relationships. I thought we could all be a close family and be friends/maybe have a mother daughter type of relationship. When my DH and I lived in between my kids and his... things were much better. His daughters couldn't just drop in or stop by and mooch whenever it was convenient. Now...they have daddy right where they want him and they use it to their advantage. The constant throwing what mommy did to me when I was younger stuff they throw in his face is getting OLD!! They throw it..he caves regardless of how it makes me feel or how it impacts our relationship because it pisses me off. Neither one of them has any respect for me and it shows. Their farther just hopes it will go away and tells me he had a "chat" with them and it's supposed to just be ok after that until it happens again. As long as daddy is happy and still talks to them... gives then what they need.... not one cares is given to me. My DH and I do nothing but fight over their attitudes and treatment of me with my feelings being stomped on and him just ignoring the situation. They then again win the battle because his relationship with them has suffered no change. We never fought until we moved closer to them. Now it's almost a weekly thing. I'm getting tired...mentally crushed. I love my husband deeply but his ignorance of how his kids treat me...and him...is taking a toll. Not sure how much longer I can hold on and no matter what...it's never their fault. Always mine.
Disengage
I don't know how old the grandkids are but I would let DH be doing the work. Mercifully my adult SD are at least a 6 hr drive away and I shutter to think if it was a daily thing. Are you actually providing regular child care?
Yes, disengage
Im pretty sure everybody will tell you the same thing, disengage.
Please consider changing your real picture to something else.
Please consider changing your real picture to something else. This site thrives on everyone being safe from "the real world" - and the last thing you want is for one of his daughter's to find you here.
Read around this site on "disingagement" - that is the best advice you will get. If DH wants a relationship with his daughters, then he is responsible for the relationship. You only do what you want to do. If you are currently providing child care and don't want to do it, then stop. If DH wants to, he can do it - and that means he does everything.
The one place you will have to stay involved is financial. If you have joint finances, then you will have to figure out how to handle the money he gives his daughters. Some people choose to split finances, some work it out in other ways.
I messaged OP about that
I messaged OP about that several days ago. While I don't think it's a good idea, it's her choice. *unknw*
Pretty simple to fix. Move back to the midpoint between your kid
and his failed family spawn.
End of problem.... at least with the dropping in whenever they want.
My parents have strong relationships with their sons and GKs. They would come if we called. However, they raised us to be independent viable adults. We raised their GKs to be the same. We figure it out and make it a point and goal to not interfere in our parent's life. We all get together when we can and we enjoy it very much.
They have friends who regularly bail on long planned RV trips when their daughter calls mommy to come cook for her family, take her kids to school, whaaaaaaaaaa.
It is pathetic how the woman in that marriage is such a beck and call slave to their adult daughter, her husband, and the GKs. It is even more pathetic that the male in that marriage has no semblance to a man. If we had ever tried that crap, our mother would have told us good luck and our dad would have taken us for a walk and very pointed discussion. They raised us, it is on us to raise ours.
My parent's friends pack up their RV and haul out within a couple of hours of crying calls from their completely lazy and incapable middle aged daughter.
Parents need to stay as far away as possible from the POS spawn and only engage to get the GKs for a week or so in the summer. Other than that, let their own damned parents figure it out.
Nope.
Let em rot.
I would.
My bride nor I would sacrifice our happiness for F'd up entitled toxic spawn and their own spawn.
Not happening in my world.
Sounds like you should take a
Sounds like you should take a nice long vacation, maybe visit your family, to think things through. This is no way to live.
Your heart was in the right
Your heart was in the right place and you tried to offer significant support to his daughters. They have clearly shown that they don't appreciate your efforts. Oh, they want the nice things and help you can provide, but that's different from showing any appreciation.
So now make this about yourself. You're tired of fighting. You've realized your good intentions are not valued. This is where disengaging is your friend. You are no longer going to put energy and money into unwanted relationships. DH can continue to see his daughters and grands, but it's all on him.
Then step back. It takes some practice, but don't ask about them, don't make suggestions, don't criticize, don't speculate. SOMETHING has to change, and it's pretty clear that the SDs aren't going to. And your DH isn't going to do anything about their behavior either. So it's up to you, for your own peace and sanity..
It's likely your DH won't like this change because it means more work for HIM. Well, he's the parent. You aren't.
This situation sounds
This situation sounds horrific. DH's daughters sound like horrible people. And they are manipulating their father. It also seems pretty apparent from your post that DH is willing to sacrifice his marriage to put his daughters first. Not a good sign.
A step parent, in most cases, will never have the bond with the skid that a bio parent has, no matter how hard you try. It simply isn't nature's way. It was admirable of you to want a good relationship with his daughters and that you moved closer to try. I used to try to be a mother to my ex SS. I wanted that mother-son relationship - I would think things were going well and then he would chose his mom over me, or go hang out with her instead of spending time in our home. My ex SS's relationship with his mother was dysfunctional to say the least, but he STILL chose her over me, every time.
You need to do some serious thinking about your own happiness and what you want. It would be best to disengage but this won't stop them coming around and treating your poorly if your DH isn't willing to address their behavior.
Please think about your own happiness. If you don't put you first, no one else will.