To not be invited sends a clear message that you are not considered part of "their group." In my situation I consider it a blessing.
I no longer feel the need to help out in their dysfunctional family situations. I have not seen or had to deal with any of them in 10 years. DH has little contact with them. He does not seem to get much enjoyment from visiting them. If he comments about any of them, the grandchildren or great grandchildren it seems very superficial. He sees them one day a year and only if he spends several hours driving.
I was the "entertainment director." When I stopped ,there was not much reason for them to visit.
Not extending invitations to a SM can have some rippling effects.
Well I'm not welcome at my father in laws 90th birthday because of SD. FIL lives 4 hours away. I have told dh I will make the drive with him on the 3rd April, his fathers actually birthday. Drop dh off and I will spend the day in town. But if my dh attends the "family" function on the 5th where his daughters boyfriend who caused a lot of trouble in the family, and hs daughter who caused even more family discord are welcome, but I, his wife, am not because SD told FIL atrocious lies and dh did nothing to,set the record straight, then he can stay there. I will not accept one more betrayal from dh.
But on the plus side. It does make never having to have anything to do with them so much easier. Even the most defensive father could nt explain this away as an accident.
Family functions with the SD type atmosphere are not worth attending. You'd have a far more pleasant time staying home sticking forks in your eyes. and it'd hurt far less.
Appreciate comments. Still expected to pay towards and husband wants to go and will play Dad role. I am told to just put up and my fault for being bitch basically. I resent the money coming from "our" income, I work too!!!Sometimes wish had never got involved! Should have seen warning bells years ago!
My best advice is to separate you financials. This way he can only do those things if he can afford it. Have one account that is household bills, one for just him and one for just you. That way you won't be resentful if he is paying for things for his ungrateful kids.
" I am told to just put up and my fault for being bitch basically."
Your DH told you this, in that this is how he feels? Or this is the skid's belief and skid's 'self justification' for not including you?
Regardless to answer of my above question, you personally should not be expected to fund anything for skid. As it sounds like you and husband pool your money, DH and you best sit down and do a household budget separating the finances. His money, your money and our money is really the only way to assure everything you work hard for doesn't fly out the door to things you do not desire to fund. If DH choses to hand out all the 'his money' that's his choice, but that then doesn't mean you make up the loss with 'your and/or our money'. Actually this is the way it should be whether you and skids get along or not. You as a SP are not responsible nor should it be expected that you assist in financing the skids just because you married their father.
My name is on the invite and when I have attended events in the past, I was completely ignored but they loved getting the money from me and DH. NO MORE! This year I have missed birthdays and weddings and I believe I sent the best message of "I don't need or want you!" DH wasn't happy with me not being there but he's done nothing to rectify the situation with his wonderful adult children. Even in my own home they ignore me but they can eat me out of house and home within a matter of hours. I too resent the money issue but I make sure my imput in the amount is heard loud enough. SD38 called me last week wanting me to convince DH to fly out of state for Thanksgiving holiday and THEY would pay the ticket and no, I was NOT invited. I told SD and DH - I don't care if you stay or go, that's your decision. He's staying! I plan personal events for me (my me time) when DH is away with his kids.
I was invited to two functions this year and I didn't go because of worried about being treated this way. Any time prior to these events, I was ignored so why would I go to something they're celebrating to get treated the same way? They get to get "credit" from DH for inviting me and then I look like the bitch for not going but I'm seriously beyond caring. Right now, my priority is taking care of myself and not being around them is the best self care.
I am definitely beyond caring of what my SKs think of me! I am already stressing that the holidays are coming and I'm looking to run away. I don't know if its just me but I really get angry at DH because I feel by him not standing up for me/us, he's encouraging them to keep treating me like shit. I lose respect for him then I start wondering about "us". Like you, my priority is me and that is the best damn holiday gift I can give myself all year round!
Yes, I'm worried about the holidays too. If it weren't for my extended family's Christmas on Christmas Eve, I would leave town!
I also feel the same about DH sometimes, especially at first when I disengaged. I have to remember that I don't want to be a part of their effed up mess! No matter how they treat me these days, I'm onto them. Their "niceness" is phony; they don't give a rat's ass about me. It's hurts sometimes more than others but it's the truth so not having to deal with them anymore is really fine with me.
For me it has been 4 years that I have not seen their nasty asses. However, dh still has to pay a big chunk of a private college bill and child suppport for the final brat. I have told dh to go back to the attorney and start the ball rolling to get the parasite unhooked, but I am met with dead silence. I guess he figures he needs to be back in the witches' good graces before the money stops rolling down to them or he will have no hope of any contact with them. Very pitiful situation. And of course he rants about judges, but is tell him that if the judges had told them to pay for themselves, they would have used another venue to act out their cruelty.
I haven't experienced this as a sm. I know that as a sd, there have been times where I've not wanted my stepmother there. As an adult, I suck it up and extend the invite anyway.
If my adult sks decided to not invite me, I'd take that as a good thing. Less time around rude people, and more time to run necessary errands.
Just because of rude stuff she'd said and done to me in the past. She used to try to pas me against my own mom. She used to gossip about me when she knew I could hear her. Sometimes when I call my dad, she screams at him and calls him vile names. Don't get me wrong, I always extend the invite to her.
In my case, it's reverse. My DDs do not care of my dh and DD28 told me last year he wasn't invited to her wedding. We had a long talk and I told her if he wasn't invited, I wouldn't come either and she knew why. (That's another story.) Anyway, time has past and he is now invited. I've often told my girls if they don't accept him and treat him like family, it will have a negative effect on OUR relationship. I guess they must love me as they are starting to come around somewhat.
Good for you! Glad it worked out well. How do you all get along outside of big events?
Do they visit both of you, or do you usually meet with them without your DH?
I would never dream of not inviting my mom's husband, and be civil and engaging with him. And she wouldn't go anywhere without him. And I CAN'T STAND HIM. He ruined Perfectson's college graduation. He almost ruined DD21's HS graduation. But it is what it is, I am always loving and respectful. People who know him think I'm a saint, but whatevs. It's my mom's HUSBAND.
We had 2 graduations to deal with this last summer: YSD's from high school, SS's from college. Their relationship with both of us has broken down completely prior to that, with DH not seeing his kids for about a year now, i think. They never came over for Xmas last year, a first for us. He is now in court with his ex demanding more money, incl. for YSD private college (New-and-improved, i think you and i need to talk :-).
Anyhoo, we handled the 2 graduations differently. Both skids - first the ss, then the sd, responded to his request for tickets with an email saying "You are welcome to come, but Pilgrim Soul is not." The son is 22, the SD was 17 at the time, is now 18. My DH promptly emailed his son in May, "I will not be there, you need to be ashamed of yourself." We did not go, did not send any gift ( he had paid for SS's college in a variety of ways, both out of pocket and via Plus loans, and we have BOTH contributed money to pay some of the loans back). The jerk never bothered to even say thank you. Good riddance!
As for the YSD, who is the most brain-washed of the three, we/I approached it differently. She sent the same nastygram to DH, he advised her that she needs to be ashamed of herself, she promptly dis-invited him ( i am sure the BM was drooling over her email - my little girl really showed her dad!). He decided we would not go. I thought about it and since she was 17 at the time, not yet an adult, we took a different tack. Ignored her email, i had my DH call her high school, and get us the tickets to graduation himself, not through her. She had told him they are so hard to come by - what nonsense! We went to the ceremony, did not see anyone we knew, saw her walk to the stage and get her diploma, and then we left early. Never said a word to anyone there, but for my DH it mattered that he was a part of it. He took pictures. I was there to support him. He later said we should have done the same with the SS's graduation - attended but not interacted.
What i think we did in those two cases was show his brats that a)we are not going to be controlled by them - or by their mother; b)we are a team, and will appear/or disappear as one. He did email his YSD to tell her, "Pilgrim Soul is my wife, and i will not attend a graduation without her, much as i would not go on vacation without her... it is time for you and your siblings to accept my marriage and my wife". That made me feel good, but it also made me feel good that we made the choices that we did. The BM kept foaming at the mouth later on about "you brought your wife to YSD's graduation after she told you not to!" We blocked her email for good. The rapprochement is over. We are in a state of war now.
Dear Pilgrim: I'd give anything to have my DH stand up for me in front of his 6 SKs and say the things your DH said to his kids; unfortunately, mine never will. When his 6 kids graduated from college, I was not invited because the wonderful ex was present (which is understandable!) I really didn't miss anything.
Thank you, toywas, for your comment, i feel for you. Many of us have husbands who are conflict - averse.
Mine would not be able to stand in front of his kids and SAY it to their faces, i'm afraid, but he said it in an email, good enough.
As for you not being invited bc his ex was at graduations, that's just messed up. I am sure you did not miss much, but the expectations can be different. There is nothing wrong with having everyone in the same setting for special occasions, everyone just needs to keep themselves in check.
When my OSD graduated college 2 years ago we all went, DH, me and my kids, and i met the BM for the first time. We were in the same room for about 10-15 minutes. Everyone survived. She made a snarky comment about my younger son. We have since gotten married and then she lost it completely. She thought she would be controlling DH for the rest of her life.
Well pilgrim soul, I commend you AND your dh! He stands up to them. My dh never does......he is very passive and allows them to play victims all the while dragging him to court for everything, and yes private schools too. You can't change who these people are, they are morally bankrupt IMHO, but you can damn well not condone it. Not only does my dh sit back, the daughters got a small windfall from his parents this year, and they even had them over to dinner! I can only shake my head at such enabling behavior. And it is enabling..........
When SD turned 12, DH and I had only been dating for 6 months. She loathed me and hated her Dad being with me. She refused to have me to her party, and DH, in full disney dad mode, accommodated her. I was incredibly hurt and saddened by it. The following week, BM threw a birthday party for her, which DH attended, did the BBQ, entertained, and stayed the entire day through to night. I was ropable and broke it off - I couldn't understand the situation and it just hurt too much. He apologised profusely later, after he realised what he'd done and we made up.
One year later.. SD turned 13, we were going to take her and a couple of her girlfriends to dinner (she wanted a pool party - but hell, no). But turned out we didn't go because her attitude just got worse and worse. She is openly hostile to DH and showing NO RESPECT whatsoever. So, DH brought her a gift (which she threatened to trash later). BM, naturally, threw her a huge party and got her everything under the sun for it.
DH told SD that until her attitude changes, she learns to respect him and our relationship, she can remain at her Mom's. It's been quite peaceful lately.
I know DH will not attend any function/party whatsoever, that we are BOTH not invited to - he will blow the living shit out of anyone for daring to do that to us and damn, he's so sexy when he stands up for us!
For a time H's eldest made it clear she did not want to see me at all, and especially for things like her birthday
Initially H took her out alone and I was furious that she got to exclude me this way
But H wasn't happy about it either and was miserable and made sure his daughter knew it when they had these events without me....eventually H simply said no to her that he wasn't excluding me. If she didn't want to be in our lives as a result it was her choice not his, he hoped she would learn to accept it but if not, he would respect her decision
Guess what? She doesn't exclude me any longer...that is for events where H is also invited
But for things likes showers for example that she would invite BM, H's sister, YSD etc.. to well those things she excludes me from and believe me I'm happy not to go
causing a lot of stress in
causing a lot of stress in this house!!!
To not be invited sends a
To not be invited sends a clear message that you are not considered part of "their group." In my situation I consider it a blessing.
I no longer feel the need to help out in their dysfunctional family situations. I have not seen or had to deal with any of them in 10 years. DH has little contact with them. He does not seem to get much enjoyment from visiting them. If he comments about any of them, the grandchildren or great grandchildren it seems very superficial. He sees them one day a year and only if he spends several hours driving.
I was the "entertainment director." When I stopped ,there was not much reason for them to visit.
Not extending invitations to a SM can have some rippling effects.
Well I'm not welcome at my
Well I'm not welcome at my father in laws 90th birthday because of SD. FIL lives 4 hours away. I have told dh I will make the drive with him on the 3rd April, his fathers actually birthday. Drop dh off and I will spend the day in town. But if my dh attends the "family" function on the 5th where his daughters boyfriend who caused a lot of trouble in the family, and hs daughter who caused even more family discord are welcome, but I, his wife, am not because SD told FIL atrocious lies and dh did nothing to,set the record straight, then he can stay there. I will not accept one more betrayal from dh.
But on the plus side. It does make never having to have anything to do with them so much easier. Even the most defensive father could nt explain this away as an accident.
Family functions with the SD type atmosphere are not worth attending. You'd have a far more pleasant time staying home sticking forks in your eyes.
and it'd hurt far less.
Appreciate comments. Still
Appreciate comments. Still expected to pay towards and husband wants to go and will play Dad role. I am told to just put up and my fault for being bitch basically. I resent the money coming from "our" income, I work too!!!Sometimes wish had never got involved! Should have seen warning bells years ago!
My best advice is to separate
My best advice is to separate you financials. This way he can only do those things if he can afford it. Have one account that is household bills, one for just him and one for just you. That way you won't be resentful if he is paying for things for his ungrateful kids.
" I am told to just put up
" I am told to just put up and my fault for being bitch basically."
Your DH told you this, in that this is how he feels? Or this is the skid's belief and skid's 'self justification' for not including you?
Regardless to answer of my above question, you personally should not be expected to fund anything for skid. As it sounds like you and husband pool your money, DH and you best sit down and do a household budget separating the finances. His money, your money and our money is really the only way to assure everything you work hard for doesn't fly out the door to things you do not desire to fund. If DH choses to hand out all the 'his money' that's his choice, but that then doesn't mean you make up the loss with 'your and/or our money'. Actually this is the way it should be whether you and skids get along or not. You as a SP are not responsible nor should it be expected that you assist in financing the skids just because you married their father.
My name is on the invite and
My name is on the invite and when I have attended events in the past, I was completely ignored but they loved getting the money from me and DH. NO MORE! This year I have missed birthdays and weddings and I believe I sent the best message of "I don't need or want you!" DH wasn't happy with me not being there but he's done nothing to rectify the situation with his wonderful adult children. Even in my own home they ignore me but they can eat me out of house and home within a matter of hours. I too resent the money issue but I make sure my imput in the amount is heard loud enough. SD38 called me last week wanting me to convince DH to fly out of state for Thanksgiving holiday and THEY would pay the ticket and no, I was NOT invited. I told SD and DH - I don't care if you stay or go, that's your decision. He's staying! I plan personal events for me (my me time) when DH is away with his kids.
I was invited to two
I was invited to two functions this year and I didn't go because of worried about being treated this way. Any time prior to these events, I was ignored so why would I go to something they're celebrating to get treated the same way? They get to get "credit" from DH for inviting me and then I look like the bitch for not going but I'm seriously beyond caring. Right now, my priority is taking care of myself and not being around them is the best self care.
I am definitely beyond caring
I am definitely beyond caring of what my SKs think of me! I am already stressing that the holidays are coming and I'm looking to run away. I don't know if its just me but I really get angry at DH because I feel by him not standing up for me/us, he's encouraging them to keep treating me like shit. I lose respect for him then I start wondering about "us". Like you, my priority is me and that is the best damn holiday gift I can give myself all year round!
Yes, I'm worried about the
Yes, I'm worried about the holidays too. If it weren't for my extended family's Christmas on Christmas Eve, I would leave town!
I also feel the same about DH sometimes, especially at first when I disengaged. I have to remember that I don't want to be a part of their effed up mess! No matter how they treat me these days, I'm onto them. Their "niceness" is phony; they don't give a rat's ass about me. It's hurts sometimes more than others but it's the truth so not having to deal with them anymore is really fine with me.
For me it has been 4 years
For me it has been 4 years that I have not seen their nasty asses. However, dh still has to pay a big chunk of a private college bill and child suppport for the final brat. I have told dh to go back to the attorney and start the ball rolling to get the parasite unhooked, but I am met with dead silence. I guess he figures he needs to be back in the witches' good graces before the money stops rolling down to them or he will have no hope of any contact with them. Very pitiful situation. And of course he rants about judges, but is tell him that if the judges had told them to pay for themselves, they would have used another venue to act out their cruelty.
I haven't experienced this as
I haven't experienced this as a sm. I know that as a sd, there have been times where I've not wanted my stepmother there. As an adult, I suck it up and extend the invite anyway.
If my adult sks decided to not invite me, I'd take that as a good thing. Less time around rude people, and more time to run necessary errands.
Just because of rude stuff
Just because of rude stuff she'd said and done to me in the past. She used to try to pas me against my own mom. She used to gossip about me when she knew I could hear her. Sometimes when I call my dad, she screams at him and calls him vile names. Don't get me wrong, I always extend the invite to her.
I have not experienced this
I have not experienced this myself, as my SD wouldn't have the guts to purposely not invite me. She knows her father would not show up.
She eloped, so that was not an issue, financially or otherwise.
In my case, it's reverse. My
In my case, it's reverse. My DDs do not care of my dh and DD28 told me last year he wasn't invited to her wedding. We had a long talk and I told her if he wasn't invited, I wouldn't come either and she knew why. (That's another story.) Anyway, time has past and he is now invited. I've often told my girls if they don't accept him and treat him like family, it will have a negative effect on OUR relationship. I guess they must love me as they are starting to come around somewhat.
I'm glad they're coming
I'm glad they're coming around. Inviting a parent's spouse (or the spouse of anyone one cares about) just seems like good decorum.
Good for you! Glad it worked
Good for you! Glad it worked out well. How do you all get along outside of big events?
Do they visit both of you, or do you usually meet with them without your DH?
I would never dream of not
I would never dream of not inviting my mom's husband, and be civil and engaging with him. And she wouldn't go anywhere without him. And I CAN'T STAND HIM. He ruined Perfectson's college graduation. He almost ruined DD21's HS graduation. But it is what it is, I am always loving and respectful. People who know him think I'm a saint, but whatevs. It's my mom's HUSBAND.
Great thread! I had a lot of
Great thread! I had a lot of fun reading it.
We had 2 graduations to deal with this last summer: YSD's from high school, SS's from college. Their relationship with both of us has broken down completely prior to that, with DH not seeing his kids for about a year now, i think. They never came over for Xmas last year, a first for us. He is now in court with his ex demanding more money, incl. for YSD private college (New-and-improved, i think you and i need to talk :-).
Anyhoo, we handled the 2 graduations differently. Both skids - first the ss, then the sd, responded to his request for tickets with an email saying "You are welcome to come, but Pilgrim Soul is not." The son is 22, the SD was 17 at the time, is now 18. My DH promptly emailed his son in May, "I will not be there, you need to be ashamed of yourself." We did not go, did not send any gift ( he had paid for SS's college in a variety of ways, both out of pocket and via Plus loans, and we have BOTH contributed money to pay some of the loans back). The jerk never bothered to even say thank you. Good riddance!
As for the YSD, who is the most brain-washed of the three, we/I approached it differently. She sent the same nastygram to DH, he advised her that she needs to be ashamed of herself, she promptly dis-invited him ( i am sure the BM was drooling over her email - my little girl really showed her dad!). He decided we would not go. I thought about it and since she was 17 at the time, not yet an adult, we took a different tack. Ignored her email, i had my DH call her high school, and get us the tickets to graduation himself, not through her. She had told him they are so hard to come by - what nonsense! We went to the ceremony, did not see anyone we knew, saw her walk to the stage and get her diploma, and then we left early. Never said a word to anyone there, but for my DH it mattered that he was a part of it. He took pictures. I was there to support him. He later said we should have done the same with the SS's graduation - attended but not interacted.
What i think we did in those two cases was show his brats that a)we are not going to be controlled by them - or by their mother; b)we are a team, and will appear/or disappear as one. He did email his YSD to tell her, "Pilgrim Soul is my wife, and i will not attend a graduation without her, much as i would not go on vacation without her... it is time for you and your siblings to accept my marriage and my wife". That made me feel good, but it also made me feel good that we made the choices that we did. The BM kept foaming at the mouth later on about "you brought your wife to YSD's graduation after she told you not to!" We blocked her email for good. The rapprochement is over. We are in a state of war now.
Dear Pilgrim: I'd give
Dear Pilgrim: I'd give anything to have my DH stand up for me in front of his 6 SKs and say the things your DH said to his kids; unfortunately, mine never will. When his 6 kids graduated from college, I was not invited because the wonderful ex was present (which is understandable!) I really didn't miss anything.
Thank you, toywas, for your
Thank you, toywas, for your comment, i feel for you. Many of us have husbands who are conflict - averse.
Mine would not be able to stand in front of his kids and SAY it to their faces, i'm afraid, but he said it in an email, good enough.
As for you not being invited bc his ex was at graduations, that's just messed up. I am sure you did not miss much, but the expectations can be different. There is nothing wrong with having everyone in the same setting for special occasions, everyone just needs to keep themselves in check.
When my OSD graduated college 2 years ago we all went, DH, me and my kids, and i met the BM for the first time. We were in the same room for about 10-15 minutes. Everyone survived. She made a snarky comment about my younger son. We have since gotten married and then she lost it completely. She thought she would be controlling DH for the rest of her life.
Well pilgrim soul, I commend
Well pilgrim soul, I commend you AND your dh! He stands up to them. My dh never does......he is very passive and allows them to play victims all the while dragging him to court for everything, and yes private schools too. You can't change who these people are, they are morally bankrupt IMHO, but you can damn well not condone it. Not only does my dh sit back, the daughters got a small windfall from his parents this year, and they even had them over to dinner! I can only shake my head at such enabling behavior. And it is enabling..........
When SD turned 12, DH and I
When SD turned 12, DH and I had only been dating for 6 months. She loathed me and hated her Dad being with me. She refused to have me to her party, and DH, in full disney dad mode, accommodated her. I was incredibly hurt and saddened by it. The following week, BM threw a birthday party for her, which DH attended, did the BBQ, entertained, and stayed the entire day through to night. I was ropable and broke it off - I couldn't understand the situation and it just hurt too much. He apologised profusely later, after he realised what he'd done and we made up.
One year later.. SD turned 13, we were going to take her and a couple of her girlfriends to dinner (she wanted a pool party - but hell, no). But turned out we didn't go because her attitude just got worse and worse. She is openly hostile to DH and showing NO RESPECT whatsoever. So, DH brought her a gift (which she threatened to trash later). BM, naturally, threw her a huge party and got her everything under the sun for it.
DH told SD that until her attitude changes, she learns to respect him and our relationship, she can remain at her Mom's. It's been quite peaceful lately.
I know DH will not attend any function/party whatsoever, that we are BOTH not invited to - he will blow the living shit out of anyone for daring to do that to us and damn, he's so sexy when he stands up for us!
For a time H's eldest made it
For a time H's eldest made it clear she did not want to see me at all, and especially for things like her birthday
Initially H took her out alone and I was furious that she got to exclude me this way
But H wasn't happy about it either and was miserable and made sure his daughter knew it when they had these events without me....eventually H simply said no to her that he wasn't excluding me. If she didn't want to be in our lives as a result it was her choice not his, he hoped she would learn to accept it but if not, he would respect her decision
Guess what? She doesn't exclude me any longer...that is for events where H is also invited
But for things likes showers for example that she would invite BM, H's sister, YSD etc.. to well those things she excludes me from and believe me I'm happy not to go