Autistic stepson
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My 15 yr old stepson is autistic and pretty much just stays in his room and plays Xbox all day and night and eats everything in sight.His father and mother co parent.He stays with his mom every other week and the only chore he has is to take the garbage out and he can't even do that right. What I'm afraid of is who is he going to live with once he graduates.I don't want him to live with us .When I bring it up to his dad he gets upset at me.Am I wrong for wanting him to live with his mother
There needs to be a plan for
There needs to be a plan for ss when he graduates rather than ignoring the inevitable issue. Will he be in assisted living, a group home, or continue to live with his parents? DH and BM need to address this and you have a right to know what the plan is. Talk! If your DH refuses to talk about it then you have your answer.
No, you are not wrong at all.
No, you are not wrong at all. It's a bit soon to talk about, since he's 3 years away from 18, but the closer it gets to him finishing school, the more discussion there needs to be.
When you say he's "autistic" what do you mean? That term has come to mean anything from having an IQ of 50 and being completely disabled, to having an IQ of 140 and just being a little quirky. If he's on the smart and quirky end, he can certainly live on his own and be a very successful adult (except that his parents aren't teaching him any life skills).
Autism
Tog is right. There are many degrees and types of Autism, and this should be a consideration in his future care options. I worked with Autistic kids for 5 years. I don't know if it is the same where you live but where I worked most special needs people graduated from High School at 21 - not 18. Some had to be placed in an adult home when they graduated from High school. Some were quite self-sufficient. If SS is able to hold down a job there are social programs to aid in his inclusion into 'normal' society, and it would be of a benefit to him to do so. On the other hand, if he is unable to do so, there are specialists who have the 'tools' to help him lead a more productive life than what DH and BM could. Good luck.
Autistic children children
He is on mild spectrum but can't do much on his own without guidance. All he wants to do is eat you out of a house and play Xbox. He doesn't have any friends. My concern is that I'm gonna have to guide him in everything. I raised my children and they are all grown up and live on their own.
Your Plan
"He is on mild spectrum but can't do much on his own without guidance." The key word is "Guidance". And this is your best argument for not allowing SS to stay in your home forever. Unless your DH, BM and you have been fully trained in 'guidance' for special needs people there is no way your SS will develop to his full potential.
When you married DH you didn't agree to be living with SS forever. If I were in your shoes I would never take on the responsibility of 'guiding' or being involved in SS's future life. I would support your DH to do the right thing FOR his son to be an independent adult but allow him to take care of this on his own.
One suggestion: The Special Olympics is a phenomenal program for both children and adults. It gives them something to work for and is wonderful for giving them a sense of achievement. There are all sorts of activities including baseball, track, bowling and skiing.
Goals for kids as they
Goals for kids as they process into adult hood, is always to find independence. Even kids with mental health concerns, same for physical challenges. *Adults who are dependent on 24/7 medical team in homes do not fit into this comment.... (not fake/pretend parents who do this for favor AND gvt money, like some people unfortunately I have heard of) Think Mother like Gypsy Rose. There are many out there just like her mom. End result may not be as extreme but moms do this more than we want to think about...POOR KIDS.
May I suggest googling your Voc-rehab in your town OR a larger city near you. They have wonderful resources for the disabled. IF your unable to locate one...call your local Social Services offices they are there to guide you.
Your ss deserves the very best services available to him. He needs an advocate---not a parent to block his full wonderful potentinal. I am not saying that is the case. Hope you understand my compassion!!
Good Luck
My OSS has Asperger's and he
My OSS has Asperger's and he will never live with us because BM has pretty much turned him against my DH. While it's very sad that my DH and his kid don't have a good relationship I and relieved that he will never live with us. Having a kid with that is autistic isn't easy and parents however, these kids still need to learn life skills and what consequences are. Being coddled and put into a bubble isn't going to help them.
Leave,
Only two answer to your problem. Put SS in some type of home, where the home takes care of him or you just leave. SS is not leaving for ever. He will neve be able to live on his own. Either you put him in some facility or this will be your life. Taking care of him
My child has Asperger's/
My child has Asperger's/ Autism and if it was me I would increase the time he spends living in one property instead if dividing his time between two homes. Could he come to you for weekends instead of a whole week? Maybe sell it to H by saying it is in SS best interest?
Over 3 years there is time to implement strategies to make him more independent but it could be difficult for you if it is not consistent whilst he is with BM.
It may seem like a long time but in reality it is not long at all and should be discussed now if you are going make a transition plan and reinforce strategies to give him his independence.
I would consider a Granny Pod
I would consider a Granny Pod in the backyard. Have a service come in once a month to purge and disenfect it. Have a food/nutrition service stock his fridge and pantry with a range of healthy foods. If he eats it all before the next delivery... he will learn to moderate. Hunger is a great teacher.
You can put a internet/cable kill switch in the house, put it on a timer, and control his technology access.
If he can't be self supporting there is a way to minimize his interferance in your life and family after he reaches 18 while caring for, providing for and having oversight over his wellness. You can invite him for dinner, a bbq, family movie night, etc.... based on how the interface is going at the time.
https://www.countryliving.com/home-design/a37788/granny-pods/
If you want to keep him in
If you want to keep him in life and tonus, look for therapies that are made up special for autism. I know that it's not easy to take care of a child-autist. You can't leave him alone at home cause he/she doesn't know how to take care of itself. I know that now exist a lot of therapies like https://aurora-chiropractic.com/ and they are elaborating special program for every child. As I understood it doesn't guarantee that the success will be 100% but it makes the child be well developed.