Am I being Manipulated by Daddy and Daughter
I am a 31-year old mother of four very young children (2 months, 3 yrs, 7 yrs, 9 yrs) - my three oldest are from my ex-hubby, my newborn is with my fiance, who is 45 years old. The issue I am having is this:
Fiance and I have been together for less than a year. He is sweet, gentle, kind, caring and broke as can be. We broke up during the summer because I felt that he wasn't being supportive towards my needs as a pregnant woman - I gave him a second and last chance when he seemed to show some emotion and nurturing behavior the weekend before I gave birth in October - and he has been that way since. But approxiamtely 1 week after the baby was born, he quit his business with his father and kinda moved down here with no money but a big heart.
I am a professional, with a mortgage to pay, a car payment, private school fees, and a nanny's salary to pay as well along with so many other things- and while he just did get a job in the beginning of this month, his first paycheck isn't due til the end of the week and it will only cover a third of the money I laid out. His credit is shot, he is 40k in debt (10 of which he owes to the IRS), he has no car since it just broke down, so I rented him one (he gets a company car in a week though) and yesterday he just sprang on me how his 20 year old daughter wants to move in with her baby who is only 1 month old because she isn't happy living at her mom's.
I have told him in the past over and over again that she can move in to go to college locally but because she has a baby, we will need to build up on the house so that my younger ones aren't feeling crowded (two siblings already share a room and newborn sleeps in mine). Of course, as of yesterday he said that she would just like to try things out for two weeks in February before she makes the decision but according to him, this is a manipulative tactic on her part to scare her boyfriend into behaving. My issues are this:
I don't want to disrupt the stability of my very young dependent children for the benefit of an adult child who is perfectly capable of providing for herself at 20 years old. She decided to have a baby, now she has to deal with the consequences.
I don't want to have another mouth to feed in this house, especially when I have yet to see any kind of financial contribution from my fiance (I don't count mowing the lawn, cleaning the shed, and putting up my microwave as payback for rent and expenses since I could easily pay someone to do it).
And I don't want him to bring me down with him as he unrealistically thinks he can provide when he can't even afford the shirt on his back. I live within my means and his irresponsibility worries me about our financial security.
And when I brought all this up with him in a very kind and diplomatic way, his response was, "yes well I have to think of her emotional needs, since she has anorexia and a baby all alone."
I wanted to explode but I didn't - instead I calmly stated that then she should have thought things through before having a child and that I can not risk my kid's security I have worked so hard for the past 10 years by bringing in two more souls that I can not afford and that will cause our home to become overcrowded.
But what confuses me so much is his kindness and sweetness with his blatant attempt to ignore my requests that he first have the means to provide and create the room needed before he goes about trying to provide for a child who can get a job and support herself. Let alone, that he needs to focus more on the needs of the newborn who is defenseless and completely dependent.
Your thoughts please -
sincerely,
Sucker!
runnnnnn
Oh my God, you're not going to stay with this guy are you? He provides no security, no money & brings a problem daughter and child into your home for you to feed??????????????????????? You've been with him for less than a year???? You can't even identify the kind of cheesecake he likes in that time period sweetie.
They want your roof. They want your food. They want your security.
RUN
boy friend
WOW! Trust me on this one, don't even think about letting 2 more deadbeats move in that house. We don't care how she feels, we don't care what she wants its not your problem. Let her mommie and her boyfriend figure it out. If she did move in its not going to work out and then it will take an act of congress to get her out of there.
As far as the boy friend goes either hes got to bring something to the table or you need to cut him lose. Do you honestly want another son to take care of? I would give him X amount of time and then he would get sent back where ever he came from. You are not only being manipulated, but being used in the worse way.
I agree with the other posts here....
This guy is completely mooching off of you. And now he expects you to support his grown daughter and her child? Absolutely not. Put your foot down on this one. First off, he needs to start contributing fairly to the household the two of you share with your newborn. Give him a timeline for this, couple of months maybe. As for the daughter, flat out refuse, tell him this is your house, you pay for it, and it is out of the question. If he disagrees with YOUR decison, and it is YOURS to make, kick him out, no more discussion. And then, collect child support from him for that newborn he helped bring into this world.
You are all correct! thank you
First off you are all so funny but thank you for pointing out the obvious - I gave him a deadline to get a job (which he met) and though he did say that he wil hand over his paycheck to me to pay me back and go towards household bills, I will be quiet and watch just how sincere he is - and should he stray one bit from his financial committment and promises to me then I will give him the boot. As for the daughter, you are all good to point out the truth there too, I felt the same but just felt like a bad person for not being as kind towards her as he is towards my 3 children- I won't let her into our home to cause more distress, I promise.
I guess sometimes when you are in the thick of things you get a little blurried vision because of mixed messages/emotions. thanks so much - it was exactly what I needed to hear.
change locks
Change the locks and do not give him a new key, he has some nerve asking if his D and grandchild can live with you when he can't even support the child he has with you!!!!!!!!
If you allow her into your
If you allow her into your home.. Depending on the state you live in.. you will have to get a court order to get her out should it all go badly. AND considering she has a child.. this will be a slow moving process. Most states will not allow an eviction in the winter when there are small children involved, such as her baby.
Think long and hard on this... THIS is something that could totally backfire.
Too bad if she doesnt like being at her mom's.. Too bad for her.. that is her BM and SHE should be the one helping her for sure... Not YOU.
I agree w/the rest of the ladies on here.. DONT let her move in.. you could lose it all.. and then where would you be w/your newborn and 3 older children. DONT DO IT!
Manipulated by Daddy and Daughter
I find it hard to believe there are people out there like this. Sure I watch My Name is Earl, but still I can't relate. From my point of view, he is a L-O-S-E-R. and such a sweet one at that. And perhaps very talented at finding woman like you as solutions. His daughter is grown and should be on her own, and obvioudly folllowing the visious cycle as well. She has to grow up, even if its the hard way. We all did. You are smart when it comes to your life and responsible towards your children, But he, (nor his daughter) are NOT part of your immediately family and your resposibilty door is CLOSED for business. Your hard work and generosity is sought after by weak loser men of this type and they are a dime-a-dozen. Some day you will look back on your life when your children are grown and say to yourself "the happeiest times in my life were when there was 'no man' inmy life. At this point of your llife, a realtionship is like a business and sometimes you have to make good business decisions. Your emotions seem to rule you at an emotional time and that is understandable but he it distancing himself from that since it doesn't seem part of his mentality and is probably 'too much work for him". I am no therapist but I think you must treat him for what he is, yet another child, mouth to feed and load of clothers to wash. You are woman and you are strong. If he's great in the sack, fine, use it for only that and get your tubes tied. Try to live alone as you have enough to manage right now. Additionally, does going further in this relationship make 'good buiness sense"? I'd say no.