I'm very new to this forum, so please forgive me if I'm still learning my way around; however, I was just so glad to find a place to talk about this issue. Let me summarize my problem as briefly as possible:

I have been the stepmother of four great children for nearly twenty years. They are now grown. Together, my husband and I (dh? is that right?) also have a 19-year-old daughter. During the past 20 years, I have of course had at least some minor issues with the kids challenging my authority occasionally, with their mom being bitter, and (this has been the biggest one) with money: we spent many years confused and frustrated about why the kids were being sent to ask us for things that their child support should have paid for, but we later discovered that the ex's favorite way to say 'no' was to blame it on dad for 'abandoning' them or to claim that she couldn't afford x item because he didn't pay that particular week (a blatant lie since our payments were always automated right into her account).

BUT with the kids grown, that is all water under the bridge, right? Plus, I have a really close relationship with my oldest SD, who came to live with us full time when she was in HS and only recently moved out after graduating college and getting married. She has a new baby, and I am the primary baby-sitting grandparent. All good. So what's the problem?

Actually, I'm not sure. But eight weeks ago my youngest SD began to be very standoffish and distant. She had been sharing an apartment with her younger sister (my daughter) last school year, but this year they decided it was too pricey and they were going to move home. The SD planned to move here instead of in with her mom, mostly because her mother (not a proponent of higher education) didn't seem to want an adult child living at home. After moving in, my SD became ridiculously sulky, resentful and disrespectful for no reason that we could tell. Concerned that she was depressed, we asked her about it and she became FURIOUS. The discussion sparked a series of family talks that ended in a confrontation in which she HIT HER FATHER REPEATEDLY. We asked her to leave the house until she could cool down and talk reasonably. That same evening, her brothers came to get her belongings and she moved in with her mother (which at the time was no big surprise or disappointment to myself or my husband).

However, neither she nor her brothers has spoken to us in two months. This is despite periodic attempts to reiterate that they are welcome in our home, that no-one was "kicked out," that we love them, etc. Their father has simply said that he will be respected in his own home. But they say that he is making his love 'conditional' by saying that. It's pretty ridiculous, but I don't see a way out. Does ANYONE have a similar story? It's as if they have completely forgotten all the years of care, all the good times, all the family memories we share together. I understand how adult step-children might find their situation difficult, but I have been in these kids' lives for TWENTY years - as long as my 22 year old SD can remember. They aren't just hurting me: they are dissing both their sisters, too: my daughter AND their full sister (with her baby) because she chooses to remain close to us.

Sorry this is so long. Any advice would be appreciated more than you know.