Advice please
Hi All,
DH is dying from pulmonary fibrosis. He was rejected for a lung transplant. He is on oxygen 24/7. He is only 66.
We moved where we are now to be closer to his oldest son who moved 9 hours away for a job. He has 3 sons, none of whom I am very close to. Oldest son and his wife are coming to stay with wife’s parents 45 minutes away. The son is going to help DH with projects DH just cannot finish. He and wife are coming Sunday for DH’s birthday, then son a few mornings by himself to help DH. The last time they saw him, he was able bodied, was not on oxygen and was ok.
My dilemma is I don’t think they realize how serious DH’s illness is. When DH talks to this son on the phone, he is animated, joking and sounds fine. It’s a distraction from his issues.
This could be the last time they see him. Should I just let them see for themselves and not say anything before they get here? Seems so weird and sad to not have a conversation with them about their dad’s health.
I suppose after they see him if so inclined son can reach out to me. I’m just concerned DH may be distracted enough and not let them see how bad it is. Then he breaks down afterwards. I’m just feeling like I should say something but maybe best not to.
Advice? Thank you.
I'd let them see for themselves
I'm sorry to hear about your DH. Very sad, try to stay strong.
It doesn't sound like you are very close, ie, in regular communication with the son. If that's the case, I'd just let them see for themselves. Perhaps if DH is acting more animated, you might pull the son aside and tell him how DH's condition really is.
I think I would appreciate a
I think I would appreciate a warning. Not a "say what you need to say" thing but just a heads up of "I know your dad sounds ok on the phone so I don't want you to be caught off guard when you see him. He has the oxygen tank, he has lost weight, he struggles to _____. We are both so glad you are able to have this time with him."
Unless SS has anosognosia
Unless SS has anosognosia, he is going to see his father's decline. 24/7 oxygen is pretty hard to ignore. When he questions, just be honest about the medical.
Conversations with SS are going to be hard. Be prepared for the conversation to stray to financials (if not with this one, with one of the others when SS talks to his brothers).
Take one day at a time. You will get through this.
Eddited to add: justmakingthebest and I posted at the same time. She has great advice.
I'm sorry, that's awful. If
I'm sorry, that's awful. If you aren't close to them, I wouldn't reach out to them ahead of time, unless DH wanted me to.
I decided
To call SS who is visiting soon. Im really glad I did. He answered right away. We had a good conversation. He offered support, asked what he could do and said he and wife will be there for me. He was glad I told him since he knows very well how DH downplays tough stuff.
That was the longest conversation we ever had.
Thank you for your thoughts! Always helpful!
I'm glad it went well when
I'm glad it went well when you called.
Sorry to here about your DH
Let his kids figure It out. Just make sure your financial protected before SK. Try to take everything
I'm glad for you
I'm glad your SD responded so well. I hope he follows through. Wishing you all well.
The jaded SM in me can't help
The jaded SM in me can't help but wonder why his son is helping dad with projects. Are these projects necessary to sell the house? Is his son expecting to inherit?
Ok, that was awful of me to assume that. Haha! Not reallly!!!
Don't volunteer any info. Let his son see for himself how his dad is doing. You are not his son's cushion. We have all had the shock of seeing a loved one deterioate.
But if his son asks you what is really going on, kindly tell him the truth.