Advice for a new step mom please
Hello, I'm new to this whole stepmother role...as is my partner, and his young adult children. Also, we have been clear to my husband'schildrenthat I am not a step mom, but their dad's girlfriend. I stumbled across this site and thought maybe some of you could offer some words of wisdom. My partner and I just moved in together within the last 5 months. I have met his kids, ages 17, 18, 21, 24. The older two are fine, but younger two are having major issues about us. The first encounter was pleasant, they were delightful, respectful, chatty, a lovely day. then they went back home and refuse to come back. My partner got a call from his ex that he had ruined the children's lives and now they are in a state of depression and one is even suicidal. How could he move in with " me" and how disrespectful and so soon ... ( here's were I mention that they have been separated for 4 plus years).
I have read lots of posts about what a nightmare these relationships are, can be. From your experiences, can you offer any positive suggestions to how to create a sustainable relationship with these kids... I know time helps heal... the oldest is mature enough to see that his dad is happy and has even told me that I am good for his dad. He also lives away from home and is not under the influence of his mom; the younger two are....without truly knowing, I suspect that the younger ones have been influenced by their angry, bitter mom. I would truly appreciate any guidance so that I can not only help my partner and his kids, but myself as well. This is stressful for me and although I try to downplay how it affects me, it is causing me a great deal of distress and anxiety. Help????
Thanks, Newbie
Your SO should have told his
Your SO should have told his ex to grow up and then cut the call short. Your life together is nobody's business but your own. A divorce doesn't condemn anyone to life long celibacy.
Hasn't BM found anyone yet? Is that why she's bitter? Ignore her. She has no business in your life. As my beloved Nana used to say, "she's more to be pitied than scolded." She's of no consequence.
I'm sorry about his kids reaction but they are old enough to see things for themselves and not as dictated by their mother.
Try not to let her venom poison your life.
reply to winterglow
thanks for the support. the ex does not have another, nor will she ever...and yes, perhaps I am naive, but it surprises me how much control she has over her teenagers; she seems to do the thinking for them. Again, I appreciate someone else's view.
Keep it stupid simple. KISS
Keep it stupid simple. KISS
1. You, SO, and the relationship are the only top priority for each of you. Period Dot. Kids are not the priority. Ever.
2. Minor children are the top adult responsibility. Adult children, are not a responsibility at all unless there is a court ordered support requirement after age 18 (depending the State where the CO is issued).
3. Xs are completely irrelevant. If they can be reasonable, work with them reasonably. If not, destroy them.
4.**** Set and enforce standards of behavior and standars of performance that kids of any age will be held to. Hold the Skids to those standards and hold your mate to enforcing those standards.
Note the **** this is both the critical success factor for the relationship and it is the hill to die on. There can be no compromise on this one.
If you and your mate are truly commited to being equity life partners, it can be wonderful. If the prior breeder mate with tons of failed family baggage does not hold their failed family progeny and their X to clear standards of behavior, performance, and demand decency from them.... don't waste your time.
Do not tolerate being marginalized by your mate, his spawn, or his X. Period. Dot.
Welcome, by the way. I hope that you find it a good place to vent, contribute, and to pick up some useful perspective from others who are living the adventure of the blended family dream.
thank you for your input. I
thank you for your input. I do have a great partner, but I know his heart is grieving about his kids. I like your comments about setting/ establishing the standards for all... and not allowing myself to be marginalized..that's how I feels, so thank you; I will utilize this information.
Welcome to the site!
I agree with Winterglow about how your SO should have handled the call. It is simply emotional blackmail to suggest that his kids are depressed and/or suicidal because they cannot handle that their father has a new relationship. If they are really these things they need professional help, not to use these "facts" to bully your SO into getting rid of you.
I would suggest that you and SO keep the channels of communication open with his kids - it does NOT need to involve his ex at all, if these young adults are 18 and 17. However, maintain strong boundaries and do not allow yourselves to be manipulated or blackmailed.
Yes, I have actually
Yes, I have actually suggested counselling for the boys but of course, I do not have any say in this. I think that the ex monitors their phones, I know that she monitors all phone calls. I have suggested to my partner to just keep sending small text messages of Hello's, hope you are doing well, and I love you, etc. Even if he doesn't get a response, it shows that he is making an effort.
His Ex has been manipulative for years...and although my partner is getting better, he still shows signs of her control ( hard to fix 20 plus years of abusive behaviour, which he thought was normal).
thanks for the support,
BM has to stop trying to control your life
SK at the age of 17 and 18 who are adults themselves. Will never see you as a SM. They don't need a mother at 17 also already have one. If they come, or not, isn't your problem. It's your SO.. You don't need the SK in your life. So totally disengaged., if SO wants to see his kids he can take them to MickeyD for a happy meal.
agreed, I would NEVER want or
agreed, I would NEVER want or expect these young adults to consider me a step mom, but I would appreciate if they would agree to have me as an extention in their lives. But to your point, my relationship is with their father and doesn't have to be with them which is unfortunate. In reality, they didn't ask, want, or need another adult in their lives; so I guess I shouldn't have any ideation of any relationship with them. Seems a bit harsh, but at least I can take a step back and accept their current decisions and quit feeling rejected, helpless, and confused about them... I can put my big girl panties on too. Let it go. thanks for th pep talk.
Communicate with the kids!
Your SO has to take the lead on this. If the BM is throwing horrible words like 'suicidal' around, please do ask the kids if they are feeling that way. Maybe there are other unlying issues. SO needs to tell the younger ones that you make him happy and this is now his life. I can't imagine what the crazy BM is spewing into the ears of the younger ones.
You say SO and BM have been separated for 4 years. Are they divorced or still separated on their way to being divorced?
If the two younger ones (or any of them) become destructive in the lives of you and SO, disengage. However, your SO needs to have your back. Yes, he should have ended the call and not allowed the poisonous rant from the Ex to go on. Lesson learned.
Unfortunately, time will tell. My best advice is to SET BOUNDARIES now and don't be afraid to remind the skids whose home they are in and how their words and actions affect more than them.
The pandemic stopped their
The pandemic stopped their divorce, and my ex's lawyer actually retired.. and now ( for the past two years) she won't agree to mediation, meetings, etc. It has been a nightmare for my partner; hopefully, the new lawyer can get things moving with or without her. Appreciate your comments and support... boundaries and united front!!!
I am feeling so much better just reading everyone's comments, a thousand thanks to all. I needed to vent, and write stuff down to get a fresh perspective.
Ah! Ok!
the BM is using the fact that the divorce isn't 'official' to manipulate both your SO and the kids. Evil woman. Your SO might be afraid to rock the proverbial boat too much since everything isn't finalized. PLEASE pay close attention to how your SO is handling issues/situations with his soon to be ex and the kids. Make yourself your #1 priority, please. You may get a really good view into him and his true intentions now that you live together. I hope the divorce gets put on the fast track. Best of luck
Exactly this.
Exactly this.
She's casting you as the woman who is standing in the way of her and your SO getting back together again. Your SO needs to make things clear with his kids that his marriage was dead a long time before you came along. Like Rags says (sorta), give them the FACTS.
Yes, it is weird, she hates
Yes, it is weird, she hates him and has bad mouthed him for years ( according to his friends and family), He hasn't been "allowed" in his own house for years, I think since the day he moved out. And, he does pay for everything for that household, her, and their kids. She just wants to make his life miserable and she wants to be in control of everything. Now, she mad that he has moved on, and is actually happy. He has dragged his feet on the divorce because of the kids and thanks to the pandemic... world kind of stopped. ( I think I mentioned that they were split up for 3 years, but I guess it was actually 4 plus years. Fall of 2019 when they separated. Yep, Facts = the truths vs the beliefs vs opinions . I always say, there are three sides to every story: his, hers, and somewhere in between.
thanks everyone, you have taught me to not carry the burden of wheither the skids accept me or like me or "us"; that is their choice and/or their loss/gain. My partner and I have our lives to live, our doors will be open and receptive but I am not going to sit by and wait for that knock on the door. When it happens, great, but meanwhile, we have our own future to enjoy together...and with the many friends and family who do actually knock on our door :-) again, thank you everyone.
Nope, not three sides unless
Nope, not three sides unless anything other than the facts are tolerated.
Kids need them in order to protect themselves from the shallow and toxic end of their gene pool. As they are growing up, and as adults. The shallow and polluted end of the gene pool parent never stops their crap. Ever. Which is why the facts are the only thing that can and should be tolerated.
My SS-31 has engaged in all of the facts and has increasingly been able to apply his own smell test to the stench emitted by the noxious emanations of his SpermClan since he was late single digits. We answered any questions he had with facts. Those facts were presented in an age appropriate manner and expanded as he grew up and asked more and more questions about lies and manipulations they threw at him while on SpermLand visitation. Over time he was fully versed in the CO, pittance in CS Vs cost to raise him, supplemental county rules regarding Custody/Visitation/Support, State regulations, SpermClan legal issues, SpermGrandPa's affairs, SpermDaddy's arrest record, marriage and divorce (he claimed to nave never been married though he had married a 16yo when he was 25 to avoid a statutory rape prosecution), multiple statutory rape incidents, gangbanger wannabe aspirations, gun violation arrests, not paying his CS, etc, etc, etc..... SS would ask questions, we would present facts. We did not ever make disparaging comments about them. We spoke directly to his quesitons and provided the facts that applied to his questions. Eventually, in his teens, he started doing his own research. After a SpermClan visitation we would find him in our study digging through the Custody/Visitation/Support files. He listened to all of the official court recordings of Custody hearings where the SpermGrandHag/Spermidiot attempted to take custody from my then single teen mom DW, he listened to all of the virtiolic answering machine tapes of SpermGrandHag's ranting screaming banshee harpy attacks on his mom, listened to hours of recorded phone calls when they would call DW to rail about some crap (Our State was a single party state. You can record any call you are part of without notifying anyone else on the call), read every page of the many years of journals DW kept of phone calls, etc... with the SpermClan, etc......
SS-31 is a man of character and honor and an adult of standing in his profession and community. His Spermidiot is still a POS. SS is the eldest of 4 all out of wedlock spawn by 3 different baby mamas and the Spermidiot. He is our only. Spawn #2 is on the dole, spawn #3 is in prison, and spawn #4 is not far behind #3.
Kids need the facts. Protect them with those facts and counter the toxic.
IMHO of course.
Yeah...disengage and preserve
Yeah...disengage and preserve your dignity. This sounds dysfunctional already and you want to stay out of it. Your DH needs to grow a pair of balls, there's no reason why biomom should be meddling in your love life- right now her excuse is her "children." These children are nearly grown- everyone put on their big boy pants and stop playing victim. Sadly I think you may find yourself in a villian role very quickly and nothing you do will be right by the family. I hope I am wrong but this is already starting out shaky and pointing at you with very or NO reflection on themselves and their thoughts, attitudes and behaviors.
Hi, yes, I will be the
Hi, yes, I will be the villian forever in the eyes of the ex/ biomom ( learning these terms)...and I really don't care about that. But, I feel that the teens have been fed negative and incorrect information so that they do not actually have an accurate representation to actually achieve any genuine perspective of me. My partner actually met with them in the park to give them their christmas gifts, and asked them what their first impressions of me were, and they said I was really nice... but yet, they refuse to come to our home. I admit, I did not offer to send my christmas presents for them with him; figured if they weren't willing to come to our house for a Christmas dinner, or any kind of seasonal visit with their dad (offered for whatever day or time worked for them over the season), then, perhaps they really wouldn't want a gift from me anyway. and yes, I am a bit nervous of what the future holds.
THe X of a mate is irrelevant
THe X of a mate is irrelevant. They cannot be considered unless they are reasonable. In which case, work with the reasonably. If they are not reasonble, rip out their throats and destroy them until they stop their toxic crap.
What BM thinks of you should not mean a thing to you.
Since one is under 18, your SO needs to get a CO pronto and smack BM with a contempt motion each and every time the kids do not show per the COd visitation schedule. SO needs to start exposing his kids to reality/facts and not let BM have her way with them regarding manipulation.
Facts... are neither good nor bad. They are merely facts. Use them. Use them to protect yourself, SO, your relationship, and the SKids.
You and SO define the future. Do not allow BM nor the failed family spawn to define the future. Not yours, and not theirs. Not while they are still minors, and not even once they are adults.
Facs, facts, facts, facts, facts.
Take care of you.
@newbie stepmom - friend, I
@newbie stepmom - friend, I am telling you this as compassionately as I can. Biomom is likely a narcissist and her little adult babies are her flying monkeys...you can do your best to THROW the FACTs in their faces...maybe some sliver of a chance they will listen or it might store in their minds/memories but be WARY of flying monkeys...some are dumb, others play the game but no matter what they are motivated to believe the lies (typically.) In the end this will be very unjust and frustrating for you - trust me I get it- but your best move is to live your best life and give this situation a rest. State the facts and move on with life. Also realize this for years down the line on some level when people believe the lies they are culpable too- they become just as guilty.
I agree so much with you...
I agree so much with you... you can tell the facts, but people hear what they want and/or just don't hear the facts as stated. I went to this circus naive and hoping for rainbows and butterflies.., and only saw flying monkeys. No need to go back to the circus.
It sounds as if your SO's ex
It sounds as if your SO's ex has been dripping divorce poison into the younger skids' ears and making it hard on them to visit their dad.
It probably would have been better if you hadn't moved in together until his divorce was finalized. Doing so has given BM ammo and allowed her to assume victim status. Is the divorce preceeding now?
Agreed, hindsight is so wise,
Agreed, hindsight is so wise, but the relationship evolved and here we are. Divorce in progress, it was in progress when I started dating him too... his lawyer advised him to wait til all children were 18. As I said, we evolved, just trying to live a normal life, and here we are today. My adult kids and grand kids adore my partner, and his parents and sibblings, and acouple of his kids love me. He and I have become a family, a household of stability, respect, and happiness, just wish this would include his youngest children.
How the current situation
How the current situation unfolded is the past. Focus on the now and the future. That you have each other, a good relastionship with your kids, his extended family, and a couple of his failed family children is a far better place than many SParents ever get to. Together, you can get to an even better place and potentially even have a good chance of a relationship with all of his kids while keeping BM pummeled into submission. Use the facts, fire, and adjust as BM does her crap. Until she is and remains reasonable, keep ripping her throat out with the facts and make sure the SKids are continually updated with those facts.
Live well.
It is the best revenge againts a toxic blended family opposition.
Enjoy living the revenge with your SO as you build the rest of your lives together.
He can protection the court
To get his divorce. The ex can not make the marriage continue forever
I know this is easier said then done
But you control your own life. You must have a hard discussion with your BF. His ex can not stop the divorce for ever. He must go to court and force the divorce . You must tell him what you want and not want. He either does what you want or leave. If he's wipe out. That his fault . His to fix. Or live in his car If you don't take control now, you will be sh*t Apron for the rest of your life.
thanks, I know.
thanks, I know.
I feel your pain. DH's ex
I feel your pain. DH's ex behaved badly (we even heard, "the kid is suicidal" story as we were literally pulling out of our road on the way for vacation) even though they had been legally divorced for over 5 years. With us, it got worse--a lot worse--before it got better, and the BS STILL lingers almost two decades later.
Your SO and you need to be a UNITED FRONT; otherwise, this situation will cause you a lot of pain and suffering. Again, it will probably get uglier before it gets better with the numbnuts you are dealing with. Since you are early-on in this relationship, you might want to consider counseling (it could be helpful for the two of you together) and decide if you're willing to take this on. best of luck to you.
Here are my thoughts
I didnt read all the comments so bare with me if this has already been discussed.
Are you childless?
If so RUN FAR AND FAST
Do you have children?
RUN FAR AND FAST
Rarely do these sitchs get better kind lady. Your BF will get punished by the ex and the snotty skids. Doesnt matter how much your BF tries to defend. Eventually they will wear him down. Even if they dont you will never have a good easy life with skids and a bitter ex.
Im jaded totally.
I truly hope Im wrong, but please remember my words.
Been through the skid thing. Got divorced. I dated recently a man with kids. Holy fluck...Im better off single.
Be prepared for a challenging life. I truly hope its easier for you.
Blessings kind newbie
Hi , yes, I have four adult
Hi , yes, I have four adult kids of my own. All who are respectful and kind to my boyfriend. They even bought him christmas presents when his own didn't bother. Too late to run. In it for the long haul... Despite the challenges my partner faces with his kids and ex, he keeps a positive loving attitude with me. We have each other's back, and try to keep a positive view for the future with his kids. While we wait, we live our lives. My hope for going onto this site was to get suggestions on how to build relationships with these people who are important to my partner. I know to not judge, not hold a grudge, and if/when they decide that they want to be part of our lives, I will receive them with kindness... meanwhile, I don't have the energy nor the need to worry or be stressed about the situation ( that I learned from this forum).
Newbie