Adult stepkids and holidays
I used to love celebrating holidays, but since being married, I've come to dread them more and more. The only time my adult stepkids talk with their father is when they complain and dump their problems and perceived slights by the world. It's never a call to say hi to dad and see how he is doing or feeling.
When they visit, his daughter in particular spends the entire time lamenting about how people are treating her or how bad her life is. She sucks all of the oxygen out of the room. My husband just listens and takes it all in. The holidays are a complete downer for me. The son is disrespectful and rude.
Being that I've never felt appreciated (12 yrs), I've phased out all the holiday prep and planning that I used to love. They come empty handed and are ungrateful. This year she is bringing her bf. She has lately been acting altruistic ("the important thing is we'll all be together...") when she has never cared about this in the past. I feel it's just a show. How do I survive the holidays when they leave no oxygen for me to breathe.
My kitchen is my safe space so I'm usually in there to be in the room ( open concept living), but far enough to roll my eyes in secret. Any suggestions are greatly appreciated and welcome.
"The important thing is we'll
"The important thing is we'll all be together "
"Ok, so bring a bottle of single malt whisky, 3 bottles of demi-sec champagne and dessert."
So SD is masking and putting
So SD is masking and putting on a show for a new BF...? Sounds like a page right out of a BMs handbook. Sometimes you can't help but sit back and laugh. *cue the popcorn*
I say the same thing about my husband’s eldest daughter
Her boyfriend of dunno 6-8 yrs still hasn't figured out how batshit crazy her mum is and the fact she's useless, not pleasant to be around and been taught by biomum to gaslight others for her own issues and the fact she aint pleasant to be around.
now others may be forced to tolerate her crap due to biology, but me and my 2 kids don't have to. I made it clear to my husband that i did not have to force my kids to maintain a relationship with such vile horrible people
Your post really resonated
Your post really resonated with me because my ex SD was exactly the way you describe...
She would NEVER ask her dad how his day was, what he'd been doing etc. She would talk constantly about herself, with a list of moans and complaints, how nobody had such a hard life as her bla bla bla.
"Sucking the oxygen out of the room" is a great description lol. And my son used EXACTLY that phrase to describe her after one excruciating dinner experience.
Same here.
I have an adult SD who is completely wrapped up in herself. If she is in the room, then every single conversation is about her and how wonderful and perfect she is, and how annoying or defective everyone else is.
For almost two decades, I've witnessed her absolute self-absorbtion. She does not care a whit about anyone else but herself. Not her dad. Not her own DH. And as far as I can tell, she is not particularly interested in her own children - I think they are just part of the persona she wishes to display.
I don't know your backstory, Cinder, but I can tell you this: People wrapped up in themselves (like our SDs) never unfold.
Never. So don't hold out any hope that the right boyfriend/husband will change her. Or that becoming a mom will change her. It won't.
You don't say how old your SD is. If she is a full-fledged adult then who says you have to have her over to your home for a holiday? When my SD was a teen, through college years, I did feel it was important to my SO that she came over for Christmas (albeit always the day before or after, since BM got first-priority for actual Christmas Day) so I would decorate, cook, etc.
Once she graduated from college and began working, it all stopped. I told my SO that we could go out to dinner and that's what we did. I was not putting any more time and effort into entertaining her nor her non-stop monologue about herself. I suggest you do the same. Have her stop by the house, go out to dinner, and then send her on her merry way. Or even better yet, meet her somewhere.
Without more detail..
like how old and do you have your own bios, is your DHs entire side included in this "we can all be together...", I CAN say that you should try reclaiming the holiday for YOU. Do the fun stuff with friends. Be the fun auntie to your friends kids if you dont have your own. I myself am childless, and am working on the stress Thanksgiving is bringing on. My side is VERY small. Im not close to anyone outside my mother and father. My SIL does nothing to encourage a relationship.
Despite that I want to decorate and cook and do the different things involved. And who knows, I may just find some kid with no one to give them gifts and present them. Or get my cat and pooch presents.
But with your fake-ey fake SD, Id continue on the stepping back, and maybe when she starts her dark litany of woes, do what we always recomend and interrupt. lol. Divert the conversatioin.
With Rude SS. Well just ignore that. Thats what I do with Feral Forger SD24.
Plan destination holidays..
Plan destination holidays.. like a nice cruise.. or trip out of the country..
If the adult kids are fairly local.. encourage your DH to do a family dinner at a fancy restaurant with his kids.. so you can do low key "nothing" on the actual date.
Plan renovations of the guest room if they are visiting.. break the plumbing.. lol.
If they are just there for a day or so.. plan a different day to do a couples holiday celebration with your special gifts for each other.
wine.
Lol, I convinced my DW that catering holiday meals when we are
with my ILs is the way to go. "Honey, you can spend more time visiting!". Not to mention that canned food is not what my TG tastes gravitate to.
So, DW has her long time favorite foodie restaurant do the mains and everyone brings their canned food derived favorite.
When we are with my family, it is all hands on deck to be Sous Chefs, prep cooks, and dishwashers for mom as she does her make it all from scratch wizardry.
Uggg. She is here. I did not get out in time. Now I have to suffer my .... SIL.
I could have written your post
My SD62 has been ruining my holiday season for years. When all 5 kids were here, then in their marriage and childrearing years, things were so busy and hectic, I didn't focus on her greed, drama and manipulation. But these past 10 years, I realize what a downer she is.
Her "thing" starts mid-November and continues til December 25 (already begun this year). Her problems, her family fights, accidents, boyfriend issues, health flare-ups, depression, need for money - on and on. I'm disengaged but I hear DH's calls since he has everyone on speaker. Multiple calls per week.
I've tried everything I can think of since December is by far my most difficult month due to her. We don't have Christmas here anymore (too much work now for me) so at least I don't have all that on top of her drama. About all I have figured out I can do is minimize all demands on myself for this period (Dr appts, any other appts), eliminate shopping (we give $), focus on what I enjoy (tree, music).
Nobody else wants to host her, DD says SD always manages to get into her medicine cabinet. There's the theft problem. All this on top of the whining, complaining, the drama with her kids.
SD herself hosted Christmas last year but I doubt she will do it again. Two of her kids didn't show up and she seemed disappointed that the 5 of us who came didn't appreciate her work by giving her money or more gifts. And, did you know, "Christmas is a LOT OF WORK!" as she told me. Lol.
My SIL has the sticky fingers thing.
DW will not set her purse down anytime her sister is near, or her sister's nasty spawn. I am a bit skitchy with DW having her purse anywhere but locked in the trunk of the car or on her person when we are near any of her family. BIL1 and BIL2 are trustwordy, so is BIL1's bride. But, their kids are iffy at best. All are low income and though they are not starving, they are pretty much paycheck to paycheck. The kids all work cash jobs in agriculture or animal sitting, etc... So any cash is a huge temptation for them. So are credit card numbers.
SIL has ripped off just about everyone in the family by scalping credit card numbers, or "buying" something from them and not paying for it entirely if at all, etc...
It has been long enough that DW is getting some selective memory loss on this crap from her family, but, I have not forgotten and I drop a bug in DW's ear with an occassional "Where is your purse?"
We are in SpermLand with my IL clan for TG. We got in Sunday evening. So far, we have avoided SIL and her family. But, DW just told me she will be visiting us in our hotel suite in about half an hour, I remembered I have to get DW's coffee so I plan on making that 45 second drive in the cold, one way, last about an hour.
Don't retreat and do not roll your eyes.
Instead, confront her/their crap immediatley with a bright faces smirk.
"What makes you think that if you won't fix the crap in your life that anyone else wants to hear about it?"
Keep a script of key questions or statements to shut her/them down with when she/they goes into woe is me, feel bad for me, mode.
And... do your kitchen wizardry for you and DH. Make sure to harp on how amazing the last foodie spread you did was. Keep dangling that bait and if the Skids ever ask why you do not do those things when they visit.... tell them.
"I have no desire to share the amazing things in our life together with you when you are here with your soul sucking complaining."
Yup. They need to hear the
Yup. They need to hear the truth for the first time ever. I would have been told "nobody wants to hear you complain." Oh, but wait...my parents weren't afraid of their own children...
Funny how that works. Quality parents, raise quality kids.
Thank your parents for the great job they did.
I thank mine frequently. I make no secret that I won the parent lottery. Mom and dad get all sheepish when I tell them that and thank them. They then comment that their boys are their kid lottery win.
I know, cringe worthily sappy, but...
Same here. If anyone
Same here. If anyone complained/moaned/whined about something, my mother would bluntly ask what they'd done to fix the situation. If the answer was nothing, "then I don't want to hear about it. "
OTOH, if you HAD done your best and still failed, she was more than willing to help.
I can relate. My kitchen is
I can relate. My kitchen is also my safe space from the step-diablas.
A few tips and tricks ... While SD's are here most meals are now from the frozen food isle, microwaved, or take-out, I no longer put effort into meals for ingrates.
I put on a cute dress that makes me feel attractive and comfortable, make myself a cup of tea, read a good book or otherwise make myself at home in my own home.
Put in earbuds and listen to music or an audio book.
When the drama starts I pull out my nail polish, nail file, sit at the kitchen bar and give myself a manicure while I sit back and observe the sh*t hit the fan.
I am happy when DH takes them out for the day and I get some time to myself. I don't ask about plans and play dumb when they show up in the evening expecting dinner. "I didn't know if you had eaten or not. I had an early dinner but you are free to make yourself something. We have leftover lasagna (from the frozen food isle.")
Stay late at work or go visit friends or schedule an appointment ... anything to avoid SD's.
("the important thing is we'll all be together...")
Boyfriend... add up to marrage. What you need a . Wedding. Then someone. You pay for my really big wedding. You are being set up for the "pay for my big wedding ". That's includes asking for advice, [to get you involved]. On reception places. Food, band. NEXT please go with me to this really high price place to see it. NEXT. don't know how I am going to pay for it.
'TRAP
If their father won't do it
let them know you expect them to come to your home with some sort of contribution to the meal. They're not babies. They can make a trip to a grocery store or, God forbid, make something to bring. If their behavior isn't called on the proverbial carpet, it will continue. Don't let these soul suckers ruin your holidays.
I'm so sorry. It's hard to
I'm so sorry. It's hard to wrap our heads around what it takes to have the kind of energy-vampire personality that sucks others' holidays dry. After being used and abused during the holidays in the early days of our marriage (either being totally ignored as punishment or crapped upon), I said "STOP" around 10 years ago. Since then, we have either gone away for holidays or, better yet, spent them with MY family. I think it was a shock for the skids not to have their dad pining for them, begging to be allowed back into "the family," or asking for forgiveness for remarrying (their dream). Can you and DH go away next year?