Thank you. Yeah, I feel better already having read all these postings! I feel so not alone for one! And yes, my youngest daughter has just moved in with us, she was trying it with her biol. dad for the last year and a half. And she is home more because of the summer, etc...too. But heres' the thing too, how much of her life do you involve him with? I mean, the bashing of my kids all the time has made me think, I will not tell him what they are doing and saying, etc...in their lives anymore. Its an instinct I think. I hate that it has to be that way. And my kids have no idea. They are only bothered by the fact that "princess" as they privately refer to her, (his daughter) won't ever come around and he won't make her. In fact, my two older children have never even laid eyes on her once in five long years. My youngest met her four years ago when I took her camping with us so they could meet thinking it would be wonderful and the little brat ignored her and me ABSOLUTELY THE ENTIRE WEEKEND! It was awful. They are all around the same age and in college too and could have such fun and things in common, but noooo, here we are. I just think he should have stepped up to the plate a long time ago and now even more since we are actually married. What will happen down the road? You know? Marriages, grandchildren, God forbid- funerals, etc....We eloped secretly one weekend since I knew it would be horrific tension and misery at a wedding. Anyway, thanks again and PS) I always say that Eleanor R. quote to my girls and here I need it! hahahhahahahha And PPS) Don't you think this would be a WHOLE different EASY ball game if they were BOYS instead of girls???!!!

Well I have alot to say on this Mystery. I appreciate your posting your position and thoughts and respect that. There are some real possible issues in your words for me I guess, but I don't think my situation is exactly there. Ecspecially because we are talking about adults here, not seven year olds. Since I met him she was 15 years old. And I have tried sooo hard to talk to her. She won't speak to me. She won't even stay in the same room with me for longer that 10 minutes. When we have gone hunting together she puts headphones on for the long truck ride and stays asleep or eyes closed the entire trip. Here is the thing Mystery; I don't resent him giving her money really at all because he doesn't do it too often and it really is his choice in my opinion as long as it doesn't completely break us or something like that, although AMEN to the sister above 'StepAside' with regard to the legal side of things and the ETHIC involved, nearly as much as I resent this:
If I ever give my children ONE LITTLE THING (such as buying tampons or helping with cost of college books or clothing occasionally, and I mean OCCASIONALLY not as a RULE or NORM that happens all the time, I get my *** chewed out. And mostly the issue is that he is sooo vocal about my kids and their choices and my choices with and for them and everything; yet, his daughter and his choices and her choices and things going on in her life are ABSOLUTELY OFF LIMITS. How could any of us ever possibly get 'close' to her when he is guarding her and allowing her to act like a spoiled child all the time. The actions now that occur, such as him going on trips with her alone, dinner alone, etc...are the result of years of trying and giving up finally on both our parts I think.
However, I resent most of all, the fact that he won't even talk about her with me now or relate any information or circumstances hardly at all and on the occasion that he does, I am only allowed to process the information quietly with a smile. NO COMMENT, SUGGESTION, QUESTIONS, OR DISCUSSION ALLOWED BABY! That just kills me. Try and think about it like this. I am running a checkbook where I pay bills, expenses, etc....we both use it regularly. I discover last week some weird $300 transfer to some account that we don't have. Before I call the bank to claim FRAUD I text him at work. "honey, do you know anything about this...etc...??" After THREE DAMN HOURS (which is a total headgame) he writes back. Yes I did it and whats the $53 charge to the grocery store in the town of your mothers nursing home?????? NOW, Finally I get it out of him that he gave her money by transferring it to her account and thats what the $300 was. NO problem, but did we have to go through the whole secret thing, not write it in the checkbook, trying to make me feel guilty for buying my mom some supplies at the grocery store, total defensive bull-shit???!! No. We didn't, but we did anyway cuz thats the way some men are with their princess daughters. Had he just said, "hey I transferred some cash to my daughter last week in case you come across the charge when you are balancing the checkbook etc.." there would have been no problem. I would have either asked how much so I could write it in or just looked it up online to add it. But the fact that he went through it that way and tried to act like I spent too much money at the store was sooo ridiculous etc..
I have tried to put myself in her shoes and thoughts and feelings many times. And maybe she could be jealous that I have girls and she has been the only one for so long. I see that, but five years honey??? PA-LEEEZE. And he doesn't do anything with my kids that she isn't invited to, doesn't know about, or whatever.
She can't possibly feel out of place when she acts too good to do anything with any of us. She put herself in this isolation and my problem is that HE ENABLES AND ENCOURAGES IT! Instead of trying to include everyone and be a team. She is twenty years old, refuses to work, has never worked and he has no problem with it, however the kicker is that when my kids have been in between jobs on occasion or whatever, (my two older ones are 20 and 24 and I haven't supported them in a long time) HE comes unglued and does nothing but gripe and complain about them and how they live their lives, etc..
Imagine you are married and you talk to your husband everyday about your job, the dog, the kids, your health, your friends, etc...And he does the same. You both support each other and get along for the most part and carry on a healthy relationship where you are involved in each others pains, struggles, goals, values, successes, achievements, etc...Then all the sudden one of you decides one of the areas of your life (the biggest one) is OFF LIMITS for the other person. Oh, but that area in the other partners life is up for all kinds of ridicule and criticism. Say for example all the sudden he couldn't discuss my job, yet I was allowed to bash his regularly. "You and your ridiculous banker job!...I don't know how you can do it. Its just beyond me. That job is just a failure and a ridiculous way to live....But my salesperson job is just fantastic. At least I don't have to stoop as low as your job, at least my job pays more...etc..." Just imagine it honey. It IS NOT CONDUCIVE TO A GOOD RELATIONSHIP. Its almost a DEAL BREAKER to me! And for the record I have blamed myself, examined myself, questioned myself, but you CANNOT have a relationship with someone who is unwilling. You cannot play a damn game of tennis all by yourself. And HE is the only one in the position to make a difference here and talk with her and continue to try and include her and so forth and he refuses. Again, its' almost a deal breaker for me, it may be one pretty soon if something doesn't change. Along the lines of what Stepaside says above, you marry a man to share his life with him and he the same for you. I don't know how old you are honey, but I doubt when you get married and the man you marry pulls this number on you, that you will feel so like "coddle her, think about her feelings, maybe she's JEALOUS and feels left out...." Oh no, it will be a whole different ball game. A parent who singles out a child and enables them to be so spoiled and self absorbed and not responsible for their own actions and face their own consequences certainly won't be able to take this kind of shit in a marriage.

Thanks for your comments and the book insight. I guess thats it. And I've never read that book. OBVIOUSLY I need to get it. I mean, his daughter lived with him and then later us for a while and both times she just waited until he went to work when she was mad at him and he came home to find her room empty and not phone call, nothing. Both times after months of trying , begging, emailing, calling her and leaving messages on the cell phone that he pays for she finally graced him with a little moment of her time.....just when she needed money or something from him. It is awful and heartbreaking to watch. I guess I just have to resign to the staying out of her life part, fine....but the issue of my children from my previous marriage and him bashing them so much is another one. I just think maybe I need to try as hard as I can to keep him out of the loop with them, but they really enjoy him, their own father is a piece of work so he presents some normal type relationship. They don't know how badly he harps on their choices and behaviors, etc...I'm just in a quandry about that one.

Thank you, that is helpful. I am certain he won't read anything if I bring it up in the context of his daughter and their relationship and mine. Rather than lie or be manipulative I will buy the book and read it myself. Perhaps he will see it and wonder why and maybe even pick it up or ask me about it which will open the dialogue. Cross fingers and thanks again!

Mystery, yes I did know what I was getting into to a point when I finally married him a few months ago, however, his daughter was away at college and I naively thought their relationship was really pretty much over this time as far as her living with us ever again. And I thought too that once we were actually married it might be different. She wasn't speaking to him and inherited a bit of money from her other side of the family and so I thought well thats the last of her for a long long time. Apparently she didn't inherit as much as we thought because the second that she found out he sold his house and moved in with me, she was calling, texting, playing him like a fiddle. And now he says "Oh, I'm closer with her than I have ever been, I think she just realized how much she loved and missed me cuz I moved away and she thought I would always just be there for her in that house and not be married." " It has made us closer". He was giving her money within a month, "...but she didn't ask for it, I just knew she needed cash for books and so I gave her some". He has no idea how he is being soooo played. She just wanted to make sure that daddys girl wasn't forgotten. Well, nooo problem. But I will never feel anything towards her but resentment because of the way she treats me and my kids. She is self serving to no end. Their relationship is just take take take take on her part and never giving. She is no longer 7 or 12 or 15. She has all the rights and priveleges of an adult but NONE of the responsibility of one.
And Carol. YES YES YES YES!!!! There is a different set of STANDARDS for my kids versus his. Mine are expected to clean, have jobs, report in, etc....but his daughter can and does do just what the hell she wants when she wants with absolutely no consequences. He certainly would never sit at the kitchen table and listen to me rant and rave about her and her ways, etc....like he does about my kids. We can watch her be hateful, use her family, use her friends, be snooty, snotty, lazy, HAVE NO JOB AT ALL, but thats ok.....yeah....thats allright because she 'different'. There is always some ridiculous excuse. 'She's shy', 'her mother treats her like crap', 'you have to understand how hard it was for her when we got divorced when she was FIVE'. !!!!! HAHAHHAHAH What a damn joke. Her mother remarried immediately and she doesn't and never has gotten along with the step dad. I think to myself, 'hmmm,....could it be that she has always been spoiled rotten and overindulged and shallow and petty?.....hmmm..." hahahahha All she has pretty much ever known is them being divorced you know? Its not like she was a harmone-ridden teenager in the throws of rebellion when it happened. Oh well. I just think its like StepAside says, we need to just sequester, or partition, both those parts of our lives and forget the possibility of a happy life with all together. We are going to be buying a new house in a month or two and my daughter will move out on her own for college. (SHE has a job like my other girls) And with Princess back at college it should be smooth. When she comes home for visits (cuz she had to go away to a fancy college, the local ones werent good enough), she will no way stay with us becuase I'm there. She will stay with her mother and then ALLOW her dad to take her out to dinner or to see her grandparents, etc...I dread Christmas though, I think it will be that I have to go out of state with both of them away from my family to visit his. I think I will for sure carry a flask of Crown or Vodka to get through it. heehee