Adult SS wants dad all the time and has moved in
I remarried at 45 to my husband 3 years ago after knowing him for 5 years. We live in two different countries with time zones 8 hours apart. I have 2 from my previous marriage ( 21 year old living in Uni and a 17 year old who lives with me). DH has 2 who have always lived with the mother. The 5 years prior to the marriage SS never used to visit or live with their dad as their mother would not permit this. But the eldest SS used to ring DH every now and then. The mother started sending them over to visit often after I married him. I met them only last year after the marriage.
Eldest SS , 22.5 years old appears to be not driven and has been going to community college for the last 4 years but not passing many courses. He only took up a part time job after I helped create a resume and urged him almost everyday over phone calls and text messages to apply.
I am a financially independent woman. Both my children are driven, doing well acadamically. My eldest has flown the nest and the youngest due to go to Uni in an year. I was hoping to move countries to live with my DH when my youngest goes to Uni.
I have just come to know that the eldest SS has moved in with the dad and started in a nearby community college. DH never discussed this with me. I am sure SS is going to spend several years at the community college and is a wannabe 'failure to launch' . I have felt that he has no desire to be independent and needs dad for every small decision even at this age. I am aware that he doesn't even do his own washing and needs parent for everything. He dresses like a tramp and doesn't wash/shave unless told. DH thinks it is all due to the bad parenting because of XW and he hopes to fix everything now. I don't think that is feasible as like the mother this SS has no ability to study or the the willingness to be independent. I fear this SS is going to stay for ever. He doesn't contribute to anything but expects to be looked after.
I feel that my life is in a limbo as I am not ready to be around a grown SS who won't move out. Culturally I would look like a mean stepmom if I tell my DH to ask the SS to move out. Technically I am not living with my DH as yet as still in another country. But I don't think I can even visit now as the SS has taken up the space. This was never the deal when I married DH as this grown SS was not in the picture then. Unfortunately I hadn't discussed this before with him as never expected this to happen. I feel that DH is trying to copy things I have achieved for my kids. However mine are academically way ahead and high achieving. Besides they can't wait to be independent and fly the nest at their first opportunity.
This is both a vent and seeking advice as I am not sure what to do.
Hmmm. If I was you I'd stay
Hmmm. If I was you I'd stay in my own country and continue with my successful life.
Your SS is going nowhere fast....why would he? He's got Daddy providing and paying for everything.
I am realising this now as
Thanking you for commenting on my post. I am realising this now as the hard reality is hitting me. I don't have to deal with any drama where I am now as I own my home and I know the lay of the land here. I have been very lonely and was missing the DH. Looks like moving to another country to be with DH would be not wise as long as thr SS is around.
wondering if this now even affects the viability of this marriage.
DH I doubt will ever ask the son to move out.
Don't move...
Why do YOU have to be the one to move? Perhaps he should be the one to move in with you. What is he going to do? Ask if his adult kid can tag along? Maybe this would be the easiest way to get the adult child to grow up.
Thank you for commenting. DH
Thank you for commenting. DH is in the US west coast where he earns a lot more than he would in the UK. He is supporting both his sons fully financially as his XW refuses to get a good job.
In the longer term I may be able to urge him to move. But I don't think he can currently as the SSons are consuming resources at a rate that he cannot generate from the UK. Younger SS is 14.
Don't move in until SS permanently moves out.
Don't move in until SS permanently moves out. Is there any chance DH would move to live with you? Without SS, of course!
Thank you for commenting. DH
Thank you for commenting. DH is in the US west coast where he earns a lot more than he would in the UK. He is supporting both his sons fully financially as his XW refuses to get a good job.
In the longer term I may be able to urge him to move. But I don't think he can currently as the SSons are consuming resources at a rate that he cannot generate from the UK. Younger SS is 14.
DH thinks that his eldest son is directionless and hence he needs to fix that by letting him stay with him. SS I believe has leaning difficulties( may be in spectrum) which neither he himself will not admit, the parents are in denial.
The fundamental issue is,
The fundamental issue is, this man isn't treating you as his wife. The fact he didn't discuss this with you beforehand is a huge red flag that you aren't as close as you thought you were.
Thank you for commenting. I
Thank you for commenting. I am a newbie to the forum. The very reason I searched for support and found this forum is that it appears to be a safe space to discuss the torments of being a step parent.
DH mentioned in the passing in the recent past that SS is struggling and he is thinking of supporting him more by moving him over. I could not say not to as I have always had my kids with me.
you may be right. He did not ask what I felt about the change as he did not want a conflict.
Your bio says you are in the
Your bio says you are in the UK. I would be very hesitant to move to a new country with what's going on. Idk what country your DH lives in but you will not have any support there, unless you also have friends and family there already. Idk if there is a language barrier, either, or if that country is as developed as the UK. You may get there and find yourself trapped.
Thank you for commenting. DH
Thank you for commenting. DH is in the US. I don't have family in the UK. I have some family in the US however in the east coast.
you are saying exactly what I have been fearing.
I don't want to feel trapped. A new country will have its challenges. Both the SS come with their problems. One SS doesn't want independence and the other is 250 pounds at 14 and needs to be fed 6 times a day. Luckily he wants to be with mom but visits DH every holiday 5 times an year ( stays over full 2.5 months in summer). All of this started only after we got married. When we were dating for 5 years, SSons were not visiting him often. Besides DH was flying over to UK every 2-3 months as his job at the time allowed it.
Lol sadly i do think maybe
Lol sadly i do think maybe your DH's country is less developed than the UK. And you do have family in the UK - your own kids. Something to think about. Also, if you have never lived with him and his kids, you have no idea how it will be. How he will be.
.
He has lived with me in the Uk for several months at a time during the pandemic. I agree with you, I do not know how it will be living with his kids. The very reason this forum exists is the fact that it is not always rosy to be with Skids.
To me it appears that their BM does not want them to be around. They have several issues including living unstructured with no house rules. Besides, the BM is a hoarder who developed after the pandemic. Everything turned upside down in the last 2-3 years after I got married !
Find a new guy. This one won
Find a new guy. This one won't have time to be a proper partner for you. You sound like a real catch so why are you settling for him and this situation?? His lack of parenting and playing indulgent catchup will back fire spectacularly. Don't waste your time on this hot mess.
Thank you for commenting. I
Thank you for commenting. I have thought about this. Starting fresh at 48 is daunting. It took a while for my kids to accept my husband to a certain degree. I am the only emotionally available parent in their life.
Husband is otherwise a good person. I have known him for 25 years. Does not have any vices , mental health issues, is not after my earnings, treats my kids well etc. it is scary to think that I may go from fire pan to fire with someone new. There are all sorts of men with many different problems. Aren't all good ones already taken !
I would agree with what
I would agree with what others have said, but also wanted to mention another aspect of you moving to be with DH, which may not have come up yet. I live in the UK and when my two daughters were similar ages to your kids, ie 17 and 19 (the eldest had just started at University) I left and moved in with my current DH, 2 hours travel away from my daughters who lived with their father. My daughters, particularly the younger one, felt abandoned by me and it took quite a few years for our relationship to recover. You moving to the US may be an issue for your kids.
Thank you for commenting. It
Thank you for commenting. It is a very good point. I filed for green card for my eldest just before he turned 21 so he can move if he wants to if I move. It is entirely his choice. I was going to move my daughter with me if I was going to at some point. I wasn't going to leave her in another country. My kids are very close to me.
Talk to your SO
Tell him how you feel, get it all out in the open. He's not treating you as a equal. Make life plans with out asking you. You must find out if there's a future for you beside a bed warmer. Find out SS agreement, he living with his DD for 6 months or 6 years. ?
'You have to make it clear that you are number 1. You will not be number 6.
'Then you will know what to do. If he said SS will move out in 6 months get it in writing, so there no discussion on what that neabs sux months from now
Do not avoid the discussion. Make your requirements clear.
Adult children do not reside in a marital home. Minor children are the top the responsibility of adults in a marriage. The marriage and each other are the priority for a married couple. Children are not the priority.
Your Skid is not a minor and is neither the priority nor a responsibility.
If your DH is not capable of recognizing this, cut your losses and get on with living your best life. You have successfully raised your children. It is not your responsibility to fix a failed parent and their unsuccessfully raised failed family children.
Take care of you.
"DH, I will book my flight
"DH, I will book my flight when your son is fully launched. I don't want to be a hindrance to his future."
Sometimes love is not enough.
Sometimes love is not enough.
I mean, you knew him for 5 years.. but all of that has been living in different countries... living your own independent lives.
You have not had to deal with the day to day grind with him at all.. and to be honest.. have no idea if you would actually be all that compatible if you had to wake up with him on a daily basis..
You have a full life.. in your own country.. with your own kids.. why leave that? for an uncertain future with a guy that has poor boundaries with kids he didn't properly raise.. where you will feel isolated etc?
I'm not sure what the rush was to get married before your move.. because even now, you aren't living as man/wife.. and both of you probably are too set in your single independent ways to truly blend.
If you move in with your SO
What would your life be like. He supported his adult kids. His adult Kids -are in trench in his home already. You will be not be the queen of the home. You will be out voted at every chance they get. If your SO wants you. He has to get SS out, stop the Money. Train
Divorce him.
Divorce him.
Life it too short for this craziness.
JMO