34 year old stepson back again and its complicated or at least to me HELP!
:sick: my stepson has lived with us since December 2012. It has been non stop issues from the get go. He has 3 ongoing legal matters plus a divorce that is somewhere in the process of being finalized but I am not sure because I am kept out of the loop of the exact detail that are in writing, what I know is only what I have been told and if I ask any other questions things become vague. In the temporary order my husband or I have to be present at all times aka supervised visits.
First of all I broke my cardinal rule in December and let the emotions of Christmas over ride my better judgment. SS had two legal matters that have been ongoing for a year and still not resolved,,,,,,,,,,just continued then he has a warrant for a family violence incident with his gf. Upon listening to his bondsman he goes in thinking he will get bailed out but due to the fact he had not been paying child support he could not get out without cash money. This was also the day we had just made arrangements to have 3 of his kids with us on Christmas day. We paid the cash bail so he could see his kids who he had not seen since the Christmas before. (I got stupid!!) The terms of the bail out was absolutely no drinking, it was told to him that living with us would be like probation except he would not be paying a probation officer and not wearing a ankle monitor. He was to get all his receipts, child support papers etc to us so we could help him create a monthly budget and start paying child support on 3 of his kids from 3 different mothers. He was also to get transcripts of w-2's so he could file Income tax on the last 7 years. All an attempt to help him get his life straightened out since it was told to me that he was sooo stressed that he has just thrown up his hands.
Well now I am stressed, angry, exhausted, and feel like I live in my home that is now a boys club between my husband and son. I am treated with disrespect from ss, dh, mother in law, husbands brother and his brothers family. Everyone thinks I am too hard on him and its all my fault just as it was when he came to live with us when he was 12. He has a rap sheet that includes, dui x 3 that I know of, criminal trespassing, family violence, plus 3 charges that are in the judicial process. Now keep in mind I tried to stop the scooping him up from a young age but the family disagreed with me. Now at 34 we are dealing with the same issues but with a 34 year old. The majority of his money goes to three of 5 kids (there may be another but no one will speak of that) He filed income tax but has not followed thru with following IRS procedure to start payments, he is paying on one child because when he was arrested they set a court date again (he didn't appear first setting)they added on more for arrearages and he is on probation. Now with the divorce he is to pay the one childs court ordered support and I assume there is to be more child support coming on the other two, which is more than fair, he should support the, so I think. There is another child that is from another state that he only pays a very small amount of the court ordered amount. He is paying money for a tin storage and utilities but pays us nothing. He lives in our back bedroom and it is a pig pin. You can not walk because of the junk piled. The closet I emptied for him to have space is just filled with junk and yet I am living out of plastic containers for my clothes that were in the drawers. He eats our food and leaves the dishes on my desk that has my computer monitor on it. Forks, spoons etc on desk. When I tell him to clean up he ignores. When I put the pledge and rag on cabinets to clean up he ignores. I ask my husband to have him clean and nothing happens. I have to throw a raging fit before anything happens. I want his room clean so the kids have a clean environment to come to on the weekends they are with us. He does not buy food for when they are here. My mother in law provides a buffet and finds all this terribly normal and no one except me expects him to provide food for the kids, clean up after the kids. I want them to see reality, after all that is what they go back home to and creating disneyland during his time only confuses the kids. I have told my husband that by him cleaning up after his son and everyone cooking and cleaning up for him is only enabling him. He goes to AA but says he is not an alcoholic. He only said he was because he felt like we wanted to categorize him.
I have expressed I needed an estimated exit plan. I do not know what to do about the supervised visits he has no place to live, no car and it goes on and on. I feel that all of this bad that has happened to him is by his actions. Everyone wants to blame the mother of his 3 kids or myself. My best guess is if he didnt drink so much he would not have all these criminal matters, had he not drank and been responsible he might still have his family together. Might not be totally accurate but is my best guess. She would not have left him for another man if all was good on the home front. Not to say she doesnt have some faults but dont we all. She withheld the kids from him and my guess is because he never offered support. He would give her money but she had to call and give a reason for the need of funds. Nothing was consistent. It takes alot to raise 3 kids. With his failure to provide state is aiding her and therefore us taxpayers are paying for the kids. We are on a extremely tight living budget and all of this is damaging our budget and I have asked my husband to have him provide food etc for the kids not us we have other obligations like mortgage, electricity, basics we have no left over for frivolous things.
I feel like my husband is in total denial and I am the bad guy. I no longer feel like this is our home. It feels like its my ss place. If I bring up or show pictures of all the filth my husband just remains quiet. No comments at all. I am sooooooooooo Angry this 34 year old is in control. My husband just tries to keep peace between his son and I. I dont want peace I want some action, change, I want to see him being responsible. I want him to treat our house like he is a guest and take care of our property not trash it. Is this too much to ask and how do I accomplish this without a divorce. I love my husband but I feel like an outsider in my own home. I know for someone who reads this the fix will seem so simple but all my attempts have failed. Just so you know life was not easy peasy when he came to live with us at 12. It was full of lies, threats, drugs, booze, theft etc. I feel like the 12 year old is back but with much bigger issues. HELP!! Please!!
I have asked dh to set up
I have asked dh to set up counseling for the 3 of us and if not the 3 of us for him and I. I also asked him to go to alanon with me. All suggestions met with failure. Stepson went to College counseling but checked himself out even thought his attorney asked him to do this. Said the counselor said he didn't need counseling anymore. Gawd!
I have a call in as of late
I have a call in as of late this afternoon to set up counseling at least for myself. I hope in time hubby will join me.
Your right and I am going to
Your right and I am going to contact a woman counselor I used before after being a caregiver for my parents and we also talked of ss's issues way back then. I am also going to take another posters advice and get myself to alanon. Thank you so much for your input. Have a blessed day
Thank you for your time and
Thank you for your time and input to my post. I am going to look up alanon meetings online and in person and contact a lady who was my counselor before when I lost my parents and schedule an appointment with her. I need my sanity back and this must be the way, hopefully my husband will get on the same page as me with a little help from the counselor. Thank you so much for your time I wish you many blessings
I agree with all the above
I agree with all the above advice. Just do you. Seriously-its not your job to supervise these visits or be concerned about him in anyway. Please dont do things like his laundry-dont cook for him-hell, I wouldnt even by groceries for him. Even if I had to keep MY groceries under lock and key I would do so or simply go out to eat every night. If he leaves his clothes, his crap, or whatnot in the common area of the household-I might be generous and ask him once to pick it up-if he did not I'd chuck it. Every time you see him sitting at your desk-ask him to get his ass up NOW! You are being way to nice to this man/child. He is a child because everyone is letting him be a child. You are doing no favors to him or to his children but continuing to enable him.
you ask if I agree with all
you ask if I agree with all the advice given. The answer is yes!! The supervised visits were not something I agreed to it was something I found out about after ss and dh went to court to get temporary order for divorce. What I have done is remove myself from direct contact for the most part. I stay upstairs so he has to be responsible for his kids. If they come to me for food, drink or to do something I tell them to go ask their father. The past two visits I did not eat any of the food my mother in law brought because in my mind if I ate it it meant I condoned enabling him. I certainly did not clean up any of the mess and told my hubby that if he cleaned it up and not his son he was enabling him. The visit before last I threw all the sheets, blankets and towels on his floor for him to clean up not me or his father to do. We dont have much room in our home so the kids have to sleep on a blow up mattress and couch. SS did not feel the sheets needed to be washed and reused them this past weekend. I find it disgusting but not enough to wash the sheets. The towels have been washed but left on a chair and the cats have sat on them. So much for washing them but I was not going to touch them. As far as crap left in common are of the household I have just taken pictures of his underwear and shorts in my bathroom I have to share with ss. I refuse to pick up nasty underwear. May be futal but I am hoping the pictures of clothing, banana peels and food left about will get to my husband eventually. The bedroom my stepson stays in has two closets. One closet has drawers and hanging space. That is the closet I emptied for him when he first moved in. I still have clothes, blankets, pillows etc in the other closet. So I have to continue to go into ss's temporary bedroom for some of my clothes that are hanging. When he did not go to work because they were waiting on jobs he spent all his time in front of tv watching net flix. I have tried to remove myself from having confrontations with him and leave it to his father since that is what his father suggested, but when I came down to see the weather and took it off net flix he asked if I was going to watch something I said no and neither should you, you should be cleaning your room so the kids have a clean place to come to. He responded with a childish remark and said he was just going to pack all his stuff up. I did not respond but thought if you wish to be childish and pack all your stuff up so be it. At least some of the room would be cleaner with it packed up.
The last visit with his kids I spent all my time upstairs with exception for getting a drink and late that night fixing me a tv dinner. I left all the caregiving up to ss, mil and hubby. I sat outside early am and late pm to enjoy the nice weather. The only thing I can say I worry about is I dont want the sgrandkids to internalize my actions as me not caring about them. Kids dont understand adult situations and I certainly dont wish to cause them any emotional harm. (I dont want them to think I am avoiding them) Hopefully when I get to speak to a counselor she can give me better advice how to handle this or how to explain to the sgrandkids my intentions. (Just a little fyi the kids have been kept from dh and I for the most of ss's marriage because we did not conform to ex daughter in laws babysitting expectations. SS went along with these actions so both are responsible for dangling the kids over our head. Withholding the sgrandkids from us hurt dh more than me but nonetheless was still hurtful. I guess what goes around comes around and she inturn kept the kids from ss. Not that he recognizes it was the same action they did to hubby and I. For the most part we only saw the sgrandkids at Christmas. So with ss living with us and having his kids every other weekend we are getting to know them again. To me the children are a very delicate situation that I for sure need some advice about how to handle with all the conflict that exists from ss's behaviour. I certainly am not perfect and am trying not to enable my ss. I am doing my best to discourage enabling but I will admit as you must see it I am missing some actions and enabling. It is not my intent to enable. So with that said that is another reason I posted here so that I could get advice from others who have experienced similar situations and are not as close to the situation as myself and hubby who can recognize enabling. Yes I am frustrated, angry and exhausted but I am not closed to opinions and advice such as yours. Thank you for posting and I welcome constructive criticism and suggestions. PS I don't do his laundry, cook for him and dont drive him around. I make him rely on his bike to get around since this is the only form of transporation he has. I discourage others from driving him around but I can only control my actions. If his father chooses to do so all I can say over and over is your enabling him. I do not have a degree in behavioural medicine or spelling lol
I forgot to mention I am
I forgot to mention I am considering moving my desk, bookshelf, computer, monitor-tv and printer out of the room my ss in temporarily staying in but I have to ask a friend if she has room in her house to store. I have no other place to put it. Removing my furniture from my ss's room will be a very bleak thing for him since he would have no tv to watch until he figures out how to get his tv from the tin building he rents. Also I have no family to stay with and we are on a very tight budget so I am always at home to avoid spending money. So I eat sleep and breath the situation in my home just now. My hubby works on Saturdays so 1 of the 2 days the sgrandkids are with us he is not present until late evening.
I am not trying to make excuses but you say I am doing no favors to him or to his children but continuing ot enable him. I am very concerned and cautious when it comes to sgrandkids. They are innocent victims of all of this and I take that very serious and do not wish to cause them any emotional harm and want to let them be kids and not take away any more of there innocence than has already been taken. I know as long as they are in our house they are safe and protected and not exposed to drinking. I realize he is still messing up but I also believe it is better for the kids to have both parents present in their lives and for now he is living in our house and when they are visiting I know they are not exposed to fighting, drinking and other things they experienced when their Mom and Dad were still together. Its not perfect but it is all I know to do and believe to be right where it comes to the children.
No advice, just (((HUGS)))
No advice, just (((HUGS)))
Thanks for the Hugs that is
Thank you for the kudos I
Thank you for the kudos I need some affirmation in this very vulnerable time. I am feeling very fraile emotinally just now and can use support and advice. I am taking a beating from ss, mil, bil, sil and ss's cousins and even my daughters husband. Daughters husband is same age as ss and feels ss is a great guy and trying really hard and feels I am not giving him a fair shake. Needless to say it caused an argument with me and my sil. I told him until he was out of line speaking to me this way and very uninformed as to what was taking place and should not speak of matters he knows nothing about. He only knows what ss tells him. My ss is pretty much a narcisist and wants to sell everyone his side. If I didnt know any better I could weigh it as I the crazy one since I am the only person in the family who feels all of this is just wrong in so many ways..............I may be crazy but it just might be because there is so much disfunction within my hubby's family. I know its all about love but sometimes tough love is a purer love. Again thanks for taking the time to read my painful post. I hope soon I will have some positive actions to post about
In time you will get really
In time you will get really tired of all the BS. 34 years old give me a break, He shouldn't be living with you at all. His record shows he may never grow up, 5 kids from 3 different women. took me 4 years to get tired of all the crap from his ADULT BRATS. Its not your problem to take care of him or his kids. I would tell the man your married to to grow up and if he wants to keep supporting his son and his bad behavior for him and his son to get a place to live. get room mates if you have to to help with the bills. Life is way to short to keep putting up will all this BS. Maybe I sound hard or uncaring but after awhile you can only take so much. I also understand he is your husband, but why on earth do we as wifes or step mothers of ADULTS have to keep binding over backwards for these entitled brats that don't want to grow up. Yes they are his kids but you are also his wife im not saying he should pick, but he your husband if he wants to stay married he needs to grow up and start treating you like his wife. Im telling you that sooner or later you keep putting up with this and you will become bitter . This is where im at. I hope my bitterness will soon go away but it is what it is.
As I stated in my original
As I stated in my original post I screwed up and let the emotions of Christmas over ride my better judgment. I am tired of all the BS and am reaching out for advice and scheduling for myself counseling with hopes my hubby will join me in time. I am feeling hurt that my hubby seems to be choosing my ss's feelings over mine. This is something I am seeking to turn around. I do not like ultimatums and do not like giving ultimatums unless I am prepared to follow through. The reality is I have been seeking employment for quite some time and not been able to obtain a job. I do not have the ability to afford the mortgage etc on my own nor could a room mate take on half of the living expenses. You are right that the ss is not showing signs of ever growing up and yes 5 kids with 3 different women. The fact I can not deny is he has no respect for women. I for sure I can say he is and adult brat that feels entitled. Prior to a conversation he had with me he thought we were rich. He thought our house was paid for. Not that it was any of his business but I told him that me loosing my job to care for my dying mother and very sick father broke us financially we had to rebuild our credit and live pay check to pay check. Unfortunately this is how most live these days. Another stress to go along with all the other bs going on in our house. I love my husband very much and 22 years of marriage is not to be taken lightly. I must say this sounds like an excuse but if you met my husband you would understand why I love him and why he is so beloved by so many. He is a kind gentle man who has suffered more than most will ever have to suffer in a life time. He has already suffered the loss of one child and this is probably a driving factor why he is choosing the actions he is taking with my ss. Not saying I like what is going on but is why I am seeking advice and going to go to a counselor for help and hope he will follow me in time to counseling. I do believe my hubby is unhappy like I am but is lost as I am on how to handle this situation. I have to say I believe this because he internalizes everything and is never confrontational. I am putting my faith in couseling, advice and God to guide me through this and hope in time (I hope a short time) to come out of this smarter, wiser and a 34 year old out of my house and on his own and on a road to recovery. Yes I am angry but I also have faith. I am not in denial ............ I am just hopeful there is a happy ending in my future with the proper guidance and advice. I could be wrong and could end up bitter for now that is not my bridge to cross I am sorry you are feeling this way. Thank you for your truthfulness and honesty. I never thought reaching out I was going to be handed roses and blissful stories. I am bewildered and feeling a bit frail but again I am hopeful for some good positive change. I wish you peace and so appreciate your insightfulness.
gypsywomanstepmom Why is
gypsywomanstepmom
Why is this your problem...Let his dad work it out. Your stressed why ?????
because of the BS. why in the world would you let someone else make you feel this way. Are they really worth it. Pick yourself up start doing things for yourself let the man you married deal with the problems that he has helped create. Tell your husband to start dealing with his sons problems if he feels his son cant do it. back away from it its not your PROBLEM.