2 years on.....
I left the family home 2 years ago now and posted a topic on here about my situation. I got great advice from some of the users.
I just thought I'd catch up, not that I think anyone is particularly worried, more to allow myself to vent my emotion and give others an idea of what it has been like taking the decision to leave a situation with a 23yr old SD
In finally managing to come to agreement about our finances I bought my ex out of the family home. She got a 2 bed new build about 2 miles away and I got on with redecorating, cleaning and finishing the place for lodgers.
Since then I have had 3-4, the place is fairly big and I have my own floor. I have had only one leave and the people (3 men,1 woman) have really enjoyed the place. We get on well and it more than pays it's way.
This is after paying for everything as a father and step father has been a revelation, not only to be paid but to be respected and the place is being looked after.
I will say that it has compensated for day to day company of a life partner but that is also stopping the distraction of moving in a new partner just because it can be lonely.
My son and I get on really well, his mum does her best to make his life full which hinders him visiting and this gets me down but then it also helps in any feelings of regret I ever have.
The ex has got a job, the first in atleast 15 years and the wicked side of me makes me smile when she has to drop him at mine when she is doing an early shift and I am lying in bed!
I never saw her get up in the week during our 12 year marriage!
The step daughter (who instigated the problems in my marriage) turned up on my doorstep looking to absolve herself from any guilt over the divorce, I invited her in, made her a cup of tea, showed her the photo wall in my lounge I did for my son (which didn't include her), the hot tub (that would have hurt) and told her calmly that despite my best efforts no one would talk to me when I lived with them (2 years before) and that after 2 years, I have moved on and none of it matters to me.
Naturally I still feel anger and resentment to a degree but not enough for me to forget that revenge is a dish best served cold
I have done plenty of dating, apart from one stalker (she got arrested!) I have met some lovely women who I treated with respect and got the same in return.
Maybe have yet to meet the right lady but am in no hurry, I have not ruled out dating someone with children which makes me realise one can not be general about step children. That is the most important part for me.
Congratulations on your new
Congratulations on your new peaceful life.
I undertand completely the calm and tranqual feelings of moving past a toxic marriage. My XW was manipulative and adulterous during our entire 2.5 year marriage. Though my toxic marriage was not as long as yours it took me 3 long years and increasingly happy years to work through the grief and recovery cycle.
The grief and healing cycle after a major loss for most people ranges from 2-4 years. It took me all of the 3-4 year period to fully grieve, heal and recover before I was ready to truly see the amazing and lovely women that were interested in a life with me.
I met my amazing bride a few months longer than three years after the demise of my first marriage. We married nearly 4 years to the day after my divorce was final. We will celebrate 20 years of marriage this summer with a renewal of vows. We eloped and this celebration will include all of our friends and family. Our son (my SS-21) will officiate our renewal which we felt was appropriate since he was there on day one that we met and when we married.
There is justice in the world. Good things come for good people and ..... for the not so good people, not so good things come.
My XW is now on DH #3 (I am #1), has 3 out of wedlock children by both eventual husbands #2 (2 children) and #3 (1 child), has faced felony charges and associated civil suits and from the periodic unsolicited updates from a few mutual friends is miserable and not a very pleasant person. That is sad to me. I married an extremely intelligent, energetic, beautiful young woman who turned out to have a dark soul. However, her demons have apparently come home to roost.
Give yourself some more time. No doubt you will find your soul mate. From my experience the result is well worth the time you invest in healing.
Take care of yourself.
Hi Colin, I remember you too
Hi Colin, I remember you too and congratulations on your successful escape. They sound like the losers in this situation, good luck though for your next partner who I hope will treasure you! All the best.
Wow. I'm in exactly the same
Wow. I'm in exactly the same situation. Been dating someone for a year and living together for half of that time. I have an 11 year old daughter who is with us part time and she has a 21 year old daughter that lives with us full time. The 21 year old doesn't leave the house much...other than a boyfriend she sees 2 or 3 times a week. She lost her job a couple of months ago and doesn't seem interested in working. When I get on her case it seems to always backfire. Her mom gets on her, not in the same timeline and style that I would. I know I agreed to this, but it's stressful. My girlfriend ironically wants to know why I'm not as affectionate as I once was. I tried to tell her because we never alone anymore, but she doesn't seem to get it. She also says she's sick of me complaining about her daughter. I don't want to leave because I remain hopeful that this kid will grow up, but I'm not happy with the situation as it is. Not only does she not work, but she has no school, no hobbies, no friends, and seems perfectly content to follow us around the house, sometimes competing for mom's attention.
How long to I let this go?
Firstly thank you for the
Firstly thank you for the kind comments and it feels worthwhile posting on this site when you get such sympathetic and good advice.
I didn't expect to be remembered so thank you.
It was my intent to point out to those in a similar position that the exit route may be difficult but possible and might not be as scary as it might seem.
Kdbeisin, it is your call, behavioural traits don't seem to change and I guess it is for you to decide.
My experience was that if it wasn't the SDs lack of job, it would be something else and probably ending in looking after her child.
Divorce is traumatic for children, I should know, it happened to me but co-dependency takes two and it is your wife who needs to alter the dynamic, my opinion is the child is only doing what she can get away with and her mums attitude is key
I picked up my son yesterday from the house the 2 of them live in. 2 years on the daugther was there as she often is with her baby, nothing changes.