When does the harrassment and manipulation stop!?!
Met my wonderful soon to be husband on a blind date. We have been together for 4 years and are getting married in September 2012. He has three kids. A girl who is 22, son who is 10 and another son who is 12. I have a great relationship with the kids. Our family is solid and full of fun and love.
My soon to be husbands ex wife and mother of his 10 and 12 year old boys makes things difficult everyday. She hates that I'm her ex husbands life and her kids lives. She sees changes in the kids (manner, eating at table, better eating habits, dressing nicer, new friends, etc. In my household we have different rules and boundaries which she undermines daily. She will tell kids they don't have to listen, sitting at the table is me being controlling, them wearing different style clothes/nicer clothes is me changing them and being controlling, them having to eat meals instead of chips for dinner is me not feeding them and being controlling...and the list goes on. The kids will even say to their dad "that's is why mom left you", "you're a jerk", "you're stupid", "you don't support us", "you don't pay for anything" again the list goes on.
My soon to be husband and I have been to parenting classes, ODD classes for the 10 year old and we continue to go to counseling together. We are trying to work together as a team to raise the boys in our household. The poison we get from the boys mother is difficult to deal with and our conselor is helping us tremndously.
The boys mom fights with my soon to be husband over everything. She calls and texts him daily about things. Ex: he needs to remember to have son study for test, he needs to wear sneakers he has gym class, he better not take kids hunting or keep up late, she threatens to keep ME from school events but I'm to rememeber to pack the kids lunch etc. My soon to be husband has his kids 50/50, he gets emails from the school about events/gym etc. She will sign permission slips for field trips on my soon to be husbands time and not tell us about the field trips. She yells that we don't help with school projects but she won't let us. She "allowed" us once to do a school project and the teachers and parents raved about so she will no longer let us help. She says one thing and does another. We planned a trip to Disney this July. When my soon to be husband told her about the trip she said..."how can you afford a trip to FL, a wedding, a honeymoon and summer camp all in the same year?" She then called two days later and said she is planning a trip to FL the week before us.
When does the harrassment and manipulation stop?
Thank you for the book. I'll
Thank you for the book. I'll check it out.
You changed the STYLE of
You changed the STYLE of clothes these kids wear? Remember, they are 10 and 12. They will be teens before you blink. It sounds like your "new sheriff in town" is going to run his kids outta Dodge. In a few years, I'll bet they stop coming around dad's house.
Kids should have good manners. No doubt. You say "in your household" you have new rules, and she undermines them. Try to remember that this is a joint household, you and DH, NOT just you. Coming in with the attitude that you're gonna change things up and make things they way you want them is likely to blow back in your face.
Choose your battles. Choose wisely.
I don't agree with the "new
I don't agree with the "new sheriff in town" comment but you are entitled to your opinion. To explain the STYLE...the kids like the clothes we buy when we shop. THEY pick out the clothes they wear. The STYLE is different than what they wear with their mom that is what I'm saying. They wear Hollister and Aeoropostatle style clothes with us. They wear T-shirts and jean shorts when they are with their mom. It's not a competition. Again when we shop the kids tell us what they like and don't like and what they want to wear.
The rules that my soon to be husband have are rules we came up with together for our household. Sitting down eating a meal together is something we do several times a week. It's nice to chat with the kids. The boys will admit that they eat what they want and do what they want with their mom. No rules. They can eat chips for dinner if they want. In our house we make a meal. We also have nights that we don't have sit down meals and we can all pick what we want to eat. That is a "free" night. If they want Spag-O's and watch TV that's fine. The undermining comes in to play when the their mothers says they don't have to eat meals at the table at our house and they should beable to eat chips for dinner if they want. To me that is wrong. She has her house and we have ours.
Yes, each household is
Yes, each household is entitled to be run as the members see fit.
In reading your OP, it sounds like there have been many changes with your presence and that things are NOT like they were with dad...hence, the "new sheriff in town."
You paint a picture of happy family dinners, chatting with the kids, warm and fuzzy... but in your op, you stated that they tell their father all sorts of awful things. Which is it?
PS: The name brands of the clothing should matter not. You don't want them equating name brand snobbery with "style." It sounds like the styles are basically the same...since Hollister and Aeropostle sell jeans and t-shirts as well.
70% of the time our house is
70% of the time our house is happy. When there is conflict with the boys mother that is when the boys repeat her words. Less contact with mom is best for us.
As for STYLE you are right the name means nothing.
The kids will even say to
The kids will even say to their dad "that's is why mom left you", "you're a jerk", "you're stupid", "you don't support us", "you don't pay for anything" again the list goes on.
I wanted to ask about this, because I am just confused. You said that everything seems to be great, but judging by these comments it does not sound like a happy family situation. The kids are this disrespectful to their dad?
As far as the ex, I know that can be a living hell. I'm sorry you have to deal with such a horrible person but I would just sstay the course and continue trying to raise the children right. If it gets to be a problem where they are being too heavily influenced by the ex, you should disengage and let the mom and DH deal with them.
The kids 70% of the time are
The kids 70% of the time are great with us. When the dad disagrees with the boys mom on anything that is when the kids repeat her words and disrespect their dad and me.
Ollie's Mom I think our BM
Ollie's Mom I think our BM came out of the SAME factory as she pulled the same stuff here, however ours used to threaten me all the time with physical assault.
There are a number of things which may make things more bearable for you in terms of managing her behaviour and its affect on you long term:
1)you need to block her number from your phone, she should ONLY be contacting your DH and should you need to know the information that text/call contained then your husband can let you know. You are just giving her more of a platform for her spiteful performances by giving her access to you, as you mention yourself...she has a problem with YOU. So why provide her with this opportunity?
2)Your DH and you should discuss the kinds of things he needs to let you know that is going on with BM's communications, the things you NEED to know e.g. arrangements that affect you. The mundane stupid texts...you dont need to know. Our BM would be like a lunatic on the phone and with much of it informing me was unnecessary. If you are guilty of asking about her, when your DH has not brought her up (which I would assume means nothing urgent requires your involvement), then YOU need to stop doing this. Its hard, but when you are so overwhelmed defending yourself from an onslaught of attack from the ex it really can affect you mentally, physcially and emotionally. SO STOP. Tell DH to only let you know on a "need to know" basis. You may have to train yourself to withdraw from knowing, but be firm with yourself as it does help reduce your stress. Did with me.
3)Your housephone should be blocked for her and I would also advise that DH has a cheap mobile just for your bonkers BM, so that he can at least know he will not be harassed on his social phone.
4)If you arent doing so already then you and DH, DH especially needs to correct any negative statements the skids are parroting. Its a damn shame when you have to involve them, but by not correcting them you are inadvertantly supporting BM's hate campaign.
5) When the skids come out with these negative statements I also think DH needs to point out how hurtful they are for him, now when a child is being PASed then they will have moments of confusion, doubt, aggression and anger directed at the parent/SM who is being PASed. However, I dont think you and DH should tolerate disrespect and kids will take advantage of this to *hit* back at you both effectively. I know as my own Skid did this and while we knew it was due to the damage BM was inflicting with her PAS, we also couldnt ignore deliberate jibes from him as thats just nuturing negative behaviour.
6) Any information about your vacations or day trips with skids should be withheld from them until they are with you on your access day and you are about to commence said trip. Its a hassle doing this, but we also found anything we did with skid BM would try and do BEFORE we had arranged to do the activity/trip, essentially destroying anything new or special we could do with ss. She also would try and ruin it by preventing access, putting ss in bad mood by saying things to him, she would interfere with our holiday/trip arrangements causing mayhem and again it really spoilt the fun mood. So we couldnt let ss know about fun things because BM would find out. Stop giving her the opportunity and think of the fun in letting the skids know about the surprise you have for them that weekend?! They will LOVE it. Ours did. Bonus was BM would be livid }:)
Does DH get duplicates of everything from the school? Perhaps its worth contacting them to request that any and all information be sent to your home, as well as given to the child(ren) and BM. So field trips, DH should be informed when said trip has been proposed and subsequently accepted by BM.
Remember you cannot control her behaviour and never will, if she is this meddling and vindictive now its likely she will remain like this. Our BM was married with another child, didnt stop her. The only behaviour you can control is YOURS, so if you are finding you are becoming overwhelmed, worn down, stressed then find healthy ways of addressing this that IS in your control (like the above examples).
Don't let the title of this
Don't let the title of this forum fool you. Step-parents have no rights. Never have - never will.
You think its bad now just wait until BM realizes her campaign failed. This will happen on the day you get married.
Then it goes into high gear with the kids being a lead troopers.
Run girl run.
Oh yea everything changes
Oh yea everything changes right after you get married.
It’s more like "wonderful life" turns to the "gates of hell"
You will have to make up your mind to know if you can endure and to be setting up a lot of boundary rules because BM will try to run through every boundary just to show you that she is the one in control.
She will alienate the kids to the fullest. When the kids come back home she will grill the crap out of them for information about you and her EX.
I have been through 5 years of it. First year went great we were not even married, the second year we got married and shit hit the fence and it went on for three years. This year been calm but erry. Something is up her sleeve and I know it. I am wondering if my DH is going to fall for it. Waiting!!
Delilah thanks for the
Delilah thanks for the encouragement and words. I think our BM's are sisters. Mine has threatened. Not to ME but to everyone else and the boys dad. She won't confront me. As my counselor says...crazy people have a hard time looking at themselves in the mirror. I make her look in the mirror. Misery loves company and that is what she wants.
WOW! The last three comments...WOW! "Hell hath no fury like a woman scorned". Definition-No one is angrier than a woman who has been rejected in love. As I read all the comments I'm really starting to understand and believe all this.
Stop the incessant
Stop the incessant communication with her. Your fiance should not be bantering back and forth with her daily, that is what she wants...ignore her. Why does she have your phone number? Change your number or block hers from calling you.
It got so bad for us we took
It got so bad for us we took BM to mediation and asked the judge to consent to email communication only. We presented all of the text messages and phone records. He agreed. Our life is so much better now that we don't constantly have her texting and calling. We also take SD to family counseling to help her deal with all of the negative things she hears from BM. It has really helped. SD knows how much we love her and has coping skills in place to "tune out" BM when she goes off on one of her tirades. Good luck!
I feel like we have the same
I feel like we have the same bm. When I married my husband, his three children were 8, 6 and 5 years old. All of them still ate with their hands primarily and could not or would not use a fork or knife. The first time we went to a restaurant, I was appalled. The kids were eating chicken noodle soup with their hands, pulling out the chicken and putting it on the table and then eating the noodles and drinking the broth from the bowl. Garbage was thrown on the floor or shoved under the sofa cushions. There was no set "bedtime" and all of the children slept in the bed with their mom every night. No one did chores or even cleared their dishes from the table after a meal.
DH and I talked about rules and discipline for the children before we ever got married and moved in together and we agreed on what was appropriate and what wasn't. BM had been a stay-at-home mom with a very relaxed attitude about rules and responsibilities for the kids (there were none) while DH worked crazy hours to support them. After she left and took the kids, he honestly didn't know where to start, so we did it together. Teaching his kids how to eat with utensils, how to use a napkin, etc. was the first thing we tackled together. The kids of course, told their mother that I was "changing their lives". Well, yes, I guess I was, but it was a good change. Their father then felt empowered to teach his sons how to open a door for someone else, to treat their stepmother (and their mother) with respect, etc.
We got the weekly emails with a bullet list of all of the things that we should "watch out for" and for the most part, we ignored them and lived our lives in our household the way we saw fit. She continued her lenient parenting with very few rules, no responsibilities (she has always told the children that homework was ridiculous and unnecessary and that grades were not important) and she has attempted to undermine every thing we tried to teach the kids. She ridiculed our religious beliefs and when sd became interested in being baptised and learning more about the Bible, bm convinced her that there was no God and that religion was bad. If I took sd to a horseback riding lesson, bm would tell her a story about how her best friend was killed in a horrific riding accident. Every summer before our summer visitation, bm would take the children to an expensive resort the week before they came to our house.
Now that the kids are teenagers, they don't want to come to our house anymore because we have rules like curfews, not putting up with cursing and foul language in the house or allowing them be disrespectful to us. We ask them about their grades and shut off their cell phones when they get F's on their report cards. She does none of that and so they would rather be at her house 24/7. The good news is that OSS, having turned 18 and graduating from high school, is now with us. He can't stand the way she talks about DH and he's sick of the "wild west" atmosphere at her house. Bottom line is that the harrassment never ends and the struggle will never be over. The teen years are coming, so hang onto your rules and expectations that the children will respect you.
My sk's would not dare talk to me the way they talk to their mother because they know their Dad would lose it if they did. They treat her with great disrespect and even physically hit her at times. That crap will only happen once in our house because I have told each one of them if they lay a hand on anyone under my roof (even each other) I will not hesitate to call the police and press charges on them for battery and domestic violence. The younger two hate me right now, but I do not care. I will not be bullied in my home nor will I be afraid for my safety. Stand your ground, do the best you can for them, but let them know that it is your house, your rules.
Hi Janet, You actually made
Hi Janet,
You actually made me get an account on this site because I so wanted to reply to you. I've done the same as you in my house. I just wanted to say its good to hear you've already been successful at this. Which means I'm on the right path.
Thank you
Your situation sounds similar
Your situation sounds similar to mind with the BM trying to interfere on your custody time. Yes, I too have some rules that she made fun of (real mature). She alientated poisoned and undermined everything since I moved in. She will get tired after a couple years but what happened to us is she was successful in driving a wedge between my SS and us. So that is a concern. If she keeps working on them at not accepting your household one of the kids may NOT accept and ask to leave. Be prepared.
Every NICE thing we did for the kids she had a bad thing to say about and we heard this parrotted thru the kids. She made fun of our pool we put in. Told the kids she can get a pool at KMART for $20.00. We put in a nice above ground but she didn't want them to enjoy it. It worked for my step son - the jerk bought it all and as a result is GONE NOW and MISERABLE about life in general. She would drive up on our time for no reason and go around our dead end corner and if SS saw her he would throw down baseball glove and run into the house to show he hates us.
You have a battle on your hands. But if you can stay cool and the kids don't guy into the BM than you are ok. My SD does great. She is smart enough to see the negativity.
So good luck and it may never stop but she will get bored with it after a while. Stay sharp, one step ahead becuz most of these moron BMs are easy to see patterns and you can pre-empt her responses.