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Step daughter custody arrangements

Bradad's picture

Submitted by Bradad on Fri, 08/25/2017 - 11:08am

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Stepparent Rights

I have recently separated from my wife. When we met she had a daughter that was 18months old. 2 years later we had a little boy. My B son is 4 and my S daughter is 7. Now that we are separated we share custody 50:50 of both children. My S daughters dad is not in the picture and pays very little child support. I am currently struggling to work out in my brain what is ok and what is not concerning this arrangement. I feel like my ex is taking advantage of my big heart. I love my step daughter, but I am being guilted into paying for almost everything for her and I don't want to show favouritism to my b son by not paying for her or spending more time with my b son than her. I love her so much and would do anything for her. This is especially hard because my ex is happy to take advantage of this situation. Technically she should have our step daughter 100 percent of the time and pay for everything. I am in a moral dilemma because I want the best for my step d! Do I cut all payments for her and tell my ex she has to pay her way and that I won't have her 50:50 all of the time???

TwoOfUs's picture

Submitted by TwoOfUs on Fri, 08/25/2017 - 11:23am

This is a tough one. I think it depends. If you really care about your SD and don't want to lose out on that time with her or being a father-figure in her life...I think you do what you can for her, as long as it doesn't affect your quality of life or that of your son's. I would also NEVER hand the ex $$ to be used on SD's behalf. I would provide for her directly because I wanted to...not because it was expected. This can be a fine line to draw, especially if your Ex is one who would be willing to play games / let her daughter go without to try to force your hand.

I'm glad you have such a big heart. I can't imagine how rough it would be to be this little girl and lose you completely as a dad in addition to losing the intact family unit...while having to watch her little brother still have a dad. That could create a formula for intense resentment and rivalry between the two.

Even if you felt neutral about your SD, I'd still be tempted to take some kind of visitation with her for my son's sake. The sibling bond is very important and irreplaceable in my experience. I lost my dad when he was very young (49), and my siblings and I really relied on each other a ton to get through it. If you unintentionally drive a wedge between these siblings because you resent your Ex...who will he have when you're gone?

SM12's picture

Submitted by SM12 on Fri, 08/25/2017 - 1:58pm

This is a sad situation for you and the kids. However, you are not the legal parent of the SD. You have zero obligation to provide anything for her. I understand you may want to out of love..but if it is being taken advantage of, then you need to stop.

Maybe tell your XW that you will take SD only EOW for a while....Then slow it down to one weekend a month. Just so your SD gets used to seeing you less and less.

And I also agree with the idea of not giving money to XE for SD directly. Buy whatever you feel you want to for SD on your own and directly. XW has no legal recourse so whatever you decide to do is your own decision.