Financially resp for Skids in eyes of state, but no parental rights?? WTF!!

Forums:

Please accept my apologies as this is going to be a RANT.

I am recently married to a wonderful man and father of 3 young boys. BD lost his job before he got a divorce and has been on unemployment since, but those benefits will soon run out. It helps, but not much, I find myself (who has no kids of her own and financial responsibilities to my Ex) burning through so much $$ on them. BD gets no CS.. BM threatened custody if she had to pay him a dime. Things got so bad and my savings accounts are empty, that I had him apply for Food Stamps. He was approved and that extra bit helps soooo much.

So here's my problem... I got a letter that he has to renew his application and that a new state law will consider my income in determining his benefits now that we are married. So pretty much the State is saying, hey.. if you love and want to marry this guy, you're accepting responsibility for the cost of his kids in your home.

However, when BD had to leave town for a family emergency, BM took kids.. we would have them 4 days/week and now NADA and I don't have a single say in the matter, because legally, a step-parent has no legal custoday.

I don't understand how a StepParent can be financially obligated to the upbringing of children that are not biologically theirs, but not be rewarded with some form of equal custody of the bio-parent they are married to.

Who knows.. with this kind of injustice.. I suppose I should gear up for the BM asking me to pay CS to her. So frustrated right now, I want to scream!!!

Snarky01 - I'm all over any

Snarky01 - I'm all over any info you have on this proposed law. Please PM me the info..

Correct for purposes of Food

Correct for purposes of Food Assistance and Cash Assistance. I'll PM you Snarky01.. thanks!

I know of a recently divorced

I know of a recently divorced man that DID have a lucrative IT job that paid a 6 digit figure during his final DD. This man pays 2K a mth. and is NOW without a job to pay this amount. Does his ex-wife still demand it? Yes. He is working at a front desk making 14 hr. and had to take a bus to go visit his daughter in another state during Christmas.

He has filed a few things but of course everything is not running fast enough for him.

It is his fault that he set his wife up to that standard but it is her fault that she will not give the man a break.

I'm checking to see if a

I'm checking to see if a Pre-Nup can protect me from the State's claim to my income to support children that I have no legal rights to.

I love my skids and I will do everything I can for them, but I can not trash my good credit, close out my retirement accounts just to put food on the table and clothes on their backs. I might think twice about that statement if the state gave me the same legal physical custody assumed for the bio-parents. If I have no legal right to these kids, why do I have a legal financial obligation. It's ludicrous!

1stime- When you agreed to

1stime- When you agreed to marry you agreed to accept all terms of the marriage even supporting your skids. I have 2 very beautiful SD's and I like you I don't have no legal rights about them, but I wouldn't give a second thought to supporting them financial no matter what the cost. I think it selfish on your part to put a stipulation on your support. A step-parent is just that a PARENT that steps in to fill that role in the biological parents home. I don't think it should be a question of whether or not you support them financially, that should be the last thing on your mind. I am also new to the stepmom role and if my SD's have ever needed anything I have made sure to provide it regardless of cost. My DH is also on unemployment and it greatly puts us out to run and buy a new pair of shoes or pads or whatever they need, but thats just it, its what they NEED. So please think about what you are saying, these children need us to be good role models and I don't think we should deny them of their needs just because they are not "our" children. They need all the love and nurturing we can provide. They have been victims of divorce we don't need to make their lives any harder.

Maybe you should get off your

Maybe you should get off your sanctimonious high-horse for a minute and actually think about this lady's post. Is it not the least bit insulting to you that she is effectively required by the state to support these kids, but has no legal say-so in their lives? It certainly sounds insulting to me, and I can see where she is coming from. I'm glad that things are good with your skids, but you are being very judgmental of someone who is not in your situation.

I agree with you! I thought

I agree with you! I thought the same thing... it's not like she is complaining about taking financial care of them. It's just simply not fair that she has no legal guidance in their lifes and demanded to take care of them when she has no actual right to them. That is entirely unfair.

Kudos! We live in PA, and

Kudos! We live in PA, and before BM sits on her FAT ass and wants to take my hard earned money, and aliented the kids from my husband I will not hesitate to divorce my husband. Hell freezes over before she can take from the both of us and give nothing back!!!!

We do report it. I even

We do report it. I even attended the interview to be sure there was no hidden adjenda. I'm listed as an "non-related other" on the forms. It asks who pays for this and that and I note that I do. We use the food assistance for food for the kids, lunch meals, etc. I also contribute to the food cost out of my pocket and more than 1/3 (kids only) the total monthly food cost, so I am contributing to their food costs as well. DH gives me his unemployment to go towards the mortgage and utilities, but BM demands 50% of everything she pays for - and unfortunately this is in the CO, that they are each responsible for 50% of all non-reimbursable items. I read this to mean MEDICAL, such as Co-Pays, Glasses, etc.. it states that implicitly. However BM reads it to me those as examples, but includes all clothing, shoes, school supplies, really anything that's not food for her home, she wants half. I pay it. She makes 5x what BD's unemployment is. Remodels her home, goes on long weekend vaca's to Vegas (guess who watches kids on her days? - us). Yet at the mention of CS, she threatens taking the kids away. She dumped him knowing full well he had almost no income and she actually set us up. She looked at me like her road to financial freedom.

I know it's unreasonable to equate CS to time spent with your children, particularly when we have the more stable household, but even the most minor snafu with the courts could cause BD to lose some of his time with his kids and it's something neither of us want to risk. I certainly can't afford an atty.

Again.. keep in mind, I don't mind being on the hook for them financially, my problem is that I am then not offered the same legal right to those children's upbringing, time spent, decisions, all the same equal parental rights my spouse has. God forbid BD and I were to get married and then divorced, I would never be able to see those children again, it doesn't matter how much I contribute to their upbringing, I'm not their bio, so I'm not entitled.

Just back to ranting now.

Anyone know about Common Law marriage? If we don't do it 'officially', could I be accountable by default after a certain number of years together? It seems so sad to me to consider calling off the wedding, I want a child with this man, and yet it would be illegitimate and just missing out on that bond because of this.

If you weren't married but

If you weren't married but living in the same house, then your funds wouldn't be counted. Being married changes that. When my XH and I separated, my kids and I stayed with some wealthy family members. I didn't have any means to support them or myself. I was staying in a $300,000 home, but it wasn't mine. I went and applied for food stamps for me and my kids. We were counted as a separate household from the relatives we were staying with. They may have money, but I wasn't on their accounts so it's not like it was mine. Once you get married though, food stamps include your new spous's income. Maybe draw up separation papers-not technically divorcing but you are protecting what is yours. One of my friends just had to do this-her husband went to jail for a crime he committed against someone else. In order to protect her assets, she had separation papers drawn up where she was specifically given everything. They are still legally married, but her stuff is protected so if the victim goes after her husband she's not going to lose everything that she has worked for. My step-sister has been legally separated for 7 years now-she won't file for the final divorce because she wants to keep her insurance coverage.