So tired of watching BM break SS's heart
**First Time Posting***
Please I am looking for help and guidance on this situation. My husband travels for work and is gone frequently, I am a SAH mom and step mom, so I provide a majority of the daily care and supervision for my SS and our 3 children together.
Husband and BM were never married, and got pregnant in HS. For the first year of SS life, BM violated their court order and refused husband visitation. He was able to then obtain a shared parenting agreement of 50/50. He and I started dating shortly before SS's second birthday, and have been together since, and married 9 years. 5 years ago, we went to court, and while the GAL did not recommend to remove the shared parenting agreement, we obtained 70% visitation, and BM 30%. Since then, the situation has escalated in severity.
BM has had a very checkered past with relationships. Her and my husband split before she even knew she was pregnant, and she was engaged to someone else by SS birth. They split and she was living with and engaged to someone else by his 1st birthday. By the time I met my husband, she was living with yet another person. The two of them broke up and got back together at least 10 times over the years, always because she left and moved in with someone else for a few months. Right at one year ago, she left again and he finally divorced her, and she is yet again living with and engaged to another man. ALL of these men have violent criminal records, including assault, domestic violence, and drug convictions. Currently, she is living with a man who is on probation for assaulting a police office and trafficking heroin.
Since our last custody change in 2014, she has not attended any school conferences, doctor's appointments, concerts, and has only shown up to sporting events when they fall during her visitation, and that is not even every time. Each time she relocated to a different man's home, SS becomes more and more angry, bitter, and we see more behavior problems. Over the last year, he has gone from an honor roll student, who had never been in trouble, to nearly failing, fighting, and lying at school. He had multiple detentions and two suspensions this past school year. He is angry at home, lies, and is now seeing a therapist to work through some of these problems he is having.
We are aware of verbal and some physical abuse between BM and her new SO, also living in the home is a teenage child, who belongs to a friend of BM's Boyfriend. This teen also has a criminal record, including drug use, stealing a car, as well as a slew of petty theft charges. Mother has allowed him to create social media accounts under false names and converse with strangers, leading to him sharing his name and address with someone who "understands what he is going through." Had he not left it logged in on my computer, we may not have caught it before it was too late.
Approximately a month ago, SS was there for visitation, and was given a BB gun and left outside to play with it, other teenager dared him to shoot at someone, so he did, and ended up shooting a neighbor girl in the knee. Thank God they did not press charges. However, BM did not inform husband until 2 days later, and when we asked the PD for a copy of the report, her BF had identified himself as Stepdad, and lied to the police about the incident. Under our current CO, BM has visitation every Thursday, over night, and every other weekend, until Monday morning. Which has her responsible for getting SS to school every Friday and every other Monday. At least half of those incidents this year, he was either late or absent on those school days.
Anytime we attempt to discuss issues with BM we are told that we need to "mind your own F***ing business" and so on. We have been following advice of our lawyer, and finally had enough and filed for full custody, with supervised visitation. It has never been my idea to replace his mother, and my husband has never wanted to take him away from his mom, but when is enough, enough?
Does anyone have advice on what more we need to do to prepare for our upcoming court date? I should add my husband and I have absolutely no criminal record, he has a steady job, making a significant income, and we have had zero behavior issues with any of the other children. We are at our whit's end with the situation and could really use some advice.
Thanks in advance.!
Go loaded for bear with a
Go loaded for bear with a file full of documented facts (school absences, police incident reports, recordings of BM rants, arrest and conviction records for anyone and everyone living in BM's home, print outs of any detrimental emails and texts from BM or her toothless criminal paramours and boarders.
No detail is too small and no stack of documentation is too large to pile on the table in court IMHO. I also advise no more tolerance for any toxic bullshit related to BM in any way and no more talking with her about shit for anything. Any talking she needs to do in front of a Judge and the same goes for you and DH too.
Own her idiot ass and have fun with the process. We sure did enjoy dragging the toothless SpermIdiot and the SpermClan around by the short and curlies for the 16+ years we lived under a Custody/Visitation/Support CO. When they got toxic we smacked them as brutally as we could with every legal, financial, and social ass baring tool at our disposal. Eventually they for the most part learned to stay under their slime covered rock at the bottom of the shallow and polluted gene pool.
It was never about replacing the SpermIdiot. It was always about protecting my SS's best interests and the best interests of our family.
That said.... eventually SS gained clarity on of how F-ed up his SpermIdiot and the SPermClan are and pretty much wrote them off. He asked me to adopt him when he was 22 and we made that happen.
Kids are smart and eventually most will gain clarity on who in their lives have their best interests at heart and who are the toxic influences.
Stay the course.
Good luck.
Thanks Rags. This was
Thanks Rags. This was helpful. We have luckily done most of that work already. I am just so afraid that it won't be enough and this toxic cycle will continue. SS came home upset today because some kid at practice told him that BM was screwing around with this kids neighbor. Which is sadly true, he has started to figure things out, but he still feels it is his job to protect her, and that if he prays enough she will make better choices. Breaks my heart
Sadly most kids in these
Sadly most kids in these situations go through the phase of wanting to protect the toxic parent. Though it is heartbreaking for the kid and for those who are actively protecting the kid's best interests to confront the toxic opposition and keep the kid abreast of the facts it must be done IMMHO.
Once a Judge kicks the BM in the ass then you and DH can play the "we have no choice" card and reference the court order.
One thing that made a big difference for us over the years in interfacing with my SS on his toxic and manipulative SpermClan was keeping him seasoned with the facts in an age appropriate manner. Early in our marriage and ongoing legal action with the SpermClan when he was younger we would just directly correct any toxic crap the SpermClan loaded the kid up with by telling him that what they had told him was not entirely accurate then telling him the truth and when appropriate with a few simple facts. As he got older... we incrementally introduced him to more of the facts, the records, etc... until by the time he was in his mid teens he was doing his own research into anything the SpermClan was slinging that did not pass the smell test of the test of reasonableness in his opinion. On several occasions I found him sitting on the floor of our home office surrounded by files, court recordings, etc.... learning about his situation and the details of the history of the full meal deal landscape of the Custody/Visitation/Support order and the toxic crap his SpermIdiot and the SpermClan pulled over the years. Arrest records, infidelities, CS arrears, etc, etc, etc.........
IMHO responsible parents (Bio or Step) have an obligation to the Skids in a toxic blended family opposition situation to keep the kid abreast of the facts and to help prepare the kids how to protect themselves from the toxic elements of their gene pool. Eventually kids age out from under a CO and kids who have not been seasoned with the facts and prepared to protect their own interests often are incapable of dealing with those toxic influences as adults.
Not a pleasant thing for SKids and our own families, and our own marriages it has to be done.
IMHO of course.
Take care.