Schools....
We recently moved and DH has custody of SS(6). We went to enroll him into school and Dh had to go to work 3 hours early (4 am) to get off 3 hours early to make the appointment with she office. Then when he was at work the next day I called to talk to her about some papers DH forgot. She refused to talk to me. She treated me like crap. She said I was not SS's mother and had no right to even call her. It really upset me and I told her that federal law says that I can access his records and talk about him to her. She said I couldn't. So I had FERPA fax them information telling them my rights. When she got it, I had to go in and drop off some papers to her since she wouldn't let his previous school send her anything, she wanted us to get it... and while I was there (with SS) she was very rude to me. Made a point to say that I was not his mother and she was going to send that letter to the courts to tell her exactly what I can and can not do. She said that I couldn't sign him in or out of school or anything, I could only access his paperwork. I told her that I am the one who has him all the time. So if that's the case I will get a POA or something so that I can do those things because I am the only one available. (BM won't even pick up the phone or call us back unless it's her visitation time... so she wouldn't pick him up if he were sick) Well she told me that POA doesn't work in school systems. Is that true? Right after we left SS told me how mean she is and he says, "but you are my mom." (since he calls me mom and tells me I'm his mom even though we tell him that I'm his step-mom.) It really upsets me how badly that she treats me because I didn't give birth to my child. And my MIL thinks I should complain to the Superintendent about the way I was treated and the fact that it was done in front of SS. That's what really got to me. Do you think I should, or will it do nothing for me? Has anyone been through something similar? Do I have any rights in the situation? Can I get a POA or something to give me those rights?
I would do more than complain....
I would send a letter to the school board, CC to the Superintendent with a note stating the local paper is next if this woman is not severely reprimanded. I had a Dr.'s office do this once when we had joint custody. I had been trying to schedule an xray for scoliosis, and due to the custody case we were trying to put off any non-emergent medical appointments so we would have one less thing to argue about. I left a message asking the Dr if this could wait a few months til we had custody straightened out. In the meantime, SD knew she was supposed to have the xray, and her back was bothering her (not scoliosis related- she's a walking hypochondriac.) I told her I was in the process of scheduling it, but she went and told BM we were neglecting getting it done. So I call the Dr's office back after no one returned my call, and they start acting funny and put me on hold. Then they get back on the phone:
"Is this her MOTHER?"
"This is her STEPmother. We have joint custody right now."
"Well her MOTHER already took care of the xray."
DH took SD in for another appt a few weeks later, and I had him ask to make sure my question of how long this could wait was documented in the chart. BY LAW IT MUST BE. The DR's assistant told him that nothing a SM says is required to be documented.
WHAT? That's a croc. It doesn't matter if it's the school nurse, my mom, or a stranger in the lobby who noticed something odd about a patient's behavior....if it is mentioned to a medical professional then it is to be documented.
So we get to the first ad litem report where both of our sets of "concerns" are typed up for all to read. And on BM's portion it says, "BM feels that BF neglects important medical tests. SD was to have a back xray for scoliosis and BF failed to schedule it. BM took SD and SD does have scoliosis." Ummm....mild curving which is present in most people does not constitute scoliosis, but BM RN diagnosed it since she knows more than the Dr apparently. But how bad is that? They gave her a nice little piece of propaganda, and NOTHING was noted that I tried to schedule the procedure, but had a question first.
I will have to look into what FERPA is. What does it stand for? Is there a set of legal guidelines?
The nice part is that the only places BM enrolled SD and refused to list me (the main person picking up and dropping off) were places that remembered me year to year and allowed me to get her and give DH another form for him to fill out. Since we had joint then she wasn't allowed to dictate who was allowed to pick SD up. She always listed whatever BF she had at the moment though. NOT the SM who was MARRIED to her child's father mind you, but her BF of the month could pick her up (thankfully they never did.)
Good post. We will get fired up and send letters for you as well. You know, maybe we need an advocacy group. That's a good topic for our SM retreat planning meeting!
“I never gave away anything without wishing I had kept it; nor kept it without wishing I had given it away.” ~Louise Brooks
FERPA is a government law
FERPA is a government law that residential step parents have the rights to have access to school records. It's the only law I've seen that gives step parents any kind of rights to step kids. So I took advantage of my rights. It just worries me that if they don't let me sign him in and out, if he's sick or something's wrong with him, then he's going to be stuck at school for hours. BM wont' pick him up and DH can't receive phone calls. At my work I am allowed to have my cell phone on me at all times just in case. I don't understand why they would want to do what's best for the child. And I can't lie, it just kills me that a woman that doesn't care at all about her son (BM) gets more rights than I do.... I'm the one that takes care of him. I'm the one up all night when he's sick, I have him every moment he's not in school... it just doesn't seem right.
They should have a spot for anyone allowed to pick up
Every school or child care facility we have ever had to pick up from has on the child's form who is allowed to pick up. It could be BM BF SM or neighbor, co-worker, friend, family member. I have seen high schoolers picking up kids they babysit after school. Your DH may have to put your name down rather than you doing it, but he has a right to designate you.
Now in the schools I've dealt with BM has eventually made her issues known and I become more in tune with the teacher/principal than BM is. BUT...once we got custody no one has ever questioned it. As a matter of fact, I don't even mention that I'm her SM at the Dr.'s office unless it comes up (like when SD complains that BM over medicates her- although now SD sees it as BM trusting SD to medicate herself and we don't. That's a whole other post.)
At her public middle school there is only a place to list someone who is NOT allowed to pick them up. SD is also allowed to carry her inhaler around with her, which is a first for us, but easier for all. I don't think they even asked me to put BM's info on there, because we have custody, and BM wanted nothing to do with the new school since she was peeved we switched her from a Catholic one that BM picked out.
“I never gave away anything without wishing I had kept it; nor kept it without wishing I had given it away.” ~Louise Brooks
Since your DH has custody
Since your DH has custody and you are married that make you (at the very least) a legal guardian.
I am in the same with SS11 living with us but luckily, because I take care of all kid related appointments, I haven't had any problems with the school.
I hope you give the school hell...obviously this woman has some kind of negative attitude against the Step-Parenting situation.
"SOME PEOPLE WEREN'T MEANT TO HAVE CHILDREN"
I have always taken care of
I have always taken care of everything in his life. Every appointment, everything. That's why it gets to me so much than the school is now saying I have no rights. His previous school knew me better than anyone. They saw me and knew I was SS's mom. They never saw BM once and rarely saw DH. It's just really upsetting to go through this....
An interesting article
I found an article online from Time magazine about how the courts are going to have to deal with step parent rights and soon. The case that went before the Supreme Court in '06 was regarding a lesbian couple. One of the women was inseminated and carried the baby. The OTHER woman stayed home with the baby while the one who had given birth went back to work. They broke up and the one who was BM tried to deny rights to the other who had given up working to be a stay at home mom. First of all, all bias about them being lesbians made this a "gay rights" focused case, but as Step parents we should have been aware.
The state did name the non BM in that case a "defacto" parent. Meaning like a Step parent she had bonded as a parent with the child and it would be detrimental to both her and the child for her to have no right to see and continue to parent that child. Much like grandparents rights (who have more than us btw.)The supreme court refused to overturn the states decision.
“I never gave away anything without wishing I had kept it; nor kept it without wishing I had given it away.” ~Louise Brooks