Court date soon, need to vent
I have been on this forum for awhile. I haven't posted, but really don't know where else to vent. I have know my SO for 15 years. We were best friends until he married, still stayed friends but lived a distance from each other. I won't get in to the details of his divorce, but he gave her everything. He got standard custody of their 8 year old. The child is now 10. Over the last 18 months, she has moved out of state, not telling the father until after the fact. The child has gained 25 pounds, has been caught repeatedly watching pornography. The mother is very active in the BDSM community. We were unaware of how extreme her lifestyle was until 2 months ago. In the last 3 months, she has lived in 3 states, (each move was to be a "slave" to a man she meet online). The child has missed 30 days of school. He has been in 4 different schools, and 5 households. He claims he doesn't want to talk to his father. When he does, you can hear the mother telling him what to say. The mother claims to be mentally ill but stable. The child wore a heart monitor on 3 separate occasions. The mother claimed he had a heart condition and may need surgery. I urged the father to call the doctor, only to find out it was "non-medical". She hasn't kept a job for more then three months. She seems to have run out of online boyfriends and is now living in a one bedroom with her Mom, stepfather and the child. She refuses to tell the father anything besides his school, and her address, the address is always after a move.
There is so much more but those are the things that can absolutely be proven beyond a shadow of a doubt.
The knowledge of what was really going on came to light right before the holidays. We finally got the judge to sign a motion to modify hearing set for a few weeks from now.
We are both educator's, living in a stable home, in the original state. We have an excellent attorney. It is highly unlikely she can afford an attorney.
Do you think it is possible she could retain custody? I am so afraid for the child. I want honest answers. This situation has torn me up, and I can't describe what it has done to my SO who feels he can't protect his child.
Before you ask why didn't we do something sooner, first we didn't know the details of her life, and didn't feel we had enough for a modification. We didn't want to drag this child through the courts. He agreed to the custody and child support at the final decree only because she said it would he over his dead body that he would get custody. My SO had been pulled into a custody battle as a child and didn't want the same for his child.
Thank you for taking the time to read. I don't want to give any more details of the evidence due to discovery but it is absolute proof of what I have written.
Thank you for your kind
Thank you for your kind thoughts. We ask our attorney if we could just go get him and hold him until court. He said he understood our feelings but that would then give her the right to file in the state she is in for an emergency injunction. We ask if we should call CPS or the police but the attorney said it would only give her a chance to "clean up" her act before court.
He is such a kind, gentle child, so easily manipulated. I have contacted a few local therapists,we just pray the damage isn't to severe. Thank you for your comment. I have nobody to talk to as the nature of her lifestyle is so reprehensible people are immediately so disgusted they don't want to hear about it.
I hate to be a naysayer....
I hate to be a naysayer.... but yeah, it's totally possible she could retain custody.
It is entirely possible that the judge will tell you that what she does in a consenting adult relationship is no ones business and does not make her an unfit mother. If there is no evidence of physical abuse to the child - bruises, ER reports, etc- and he's not being exposed to drugs, it is possible they could decide there's no danger to him and let her retain custody. If his living situation has electricity and running water, they may not find it pertinent. It can so very dependent on the judge you draw and the county you are in.
There are many judges that will give endless chances to clean up their act, do better, blah blah. They allow the excuses for the repeated moves, the instability, the whatever.
It can also depend on whether the child is willing to lie to protect a parent and whether a judge believes them.
I pray you get a sane judge that won't be swayed by a dramatic tear filled scene of the single struggling mother doing her best and being betrayed and let down at every turn and please please don't take her child when she's trying sooooo hard. But family court is a crap shoot and odds are not historically in a father's favor.
If your attorney thinks you have a good chance, I would take their word for it.
Thank you for your honesty.
Thank you for your honesty. The attorney feels my SO can't lose. But I realize that until a judge orders something, it is all just words. I agree that how people live privately should he no ones business. But when you move into a household of collared slaves who live the life 24/7 and have known them a week, that isn't keeping it in the bedroom. I was hoping the unexcused absences and the stress related medical problems would be sufficient. The judge is a very conservative women. We live in a conservative state. To he honest, i don't relish the thought of raising another women's child. My SO and I hope the BM gets well for his son's sake but we are all middle aged and the chances are unlikely.
Thank you again for your honesty. We just want the child safe, in school, and not being emotionally abused.
An honest attorney will never
An honest attorney will never give a guarantee of a particular result. S/he might tell the party that they have a great chance, but... there is always that chance the judge rules otherwise. "Can't lose"? Find a new lawyer.
Compile as much proof as you
Compile as much proof as you can get. Any and all.
My hubby went to court and got full legal and physical custody from an un safe mom.
But you need proof. School records, false medical statements made by her etc.
It can be done if the child would really be in harms way.
Thankfully we do have proof.
Thankfully we do have proof. I hope I am responding to these comments correctly. I am on my phone and not familiar with the format.
And when I say proof, both the mother's emails stating her moves, address change records, school and doctor records. Thankfully, it won't be just SO's word against BM's word.
Thank you, this gives me hope
Thank you, this gives me hope that it can be done. Hopefully I won't be back her next month asking how to deal with an unruly SS.
Dad needs to go get his kid
Dad needs to go get his kid and file for emergency custody. He also needs to get CPS involved and facilitate them climbing so far up her ass that they could do a sinus exam from below. He needs to push for child endangerment charges and put her somewhere where she really can be the cell block slave for a long, long time.
I have no use for idiots like this BM. She needs to be filtered from the gene pool and prevented from ever breeding again. Expanding her shallow and polluted gene pool must be avoided at all costs. Putting her away for a long time would serve the purpose. Or better yet... maybe one of her freek online boyfriends will take care of it.
Grrrrrrr!
IMHO of course.
Reply to Rags, I think this
Reply to Rags, I think this should be child endangerment too. I know if my SO's attorney can file criminal charges he will. Thankfully she has long ago had a full hysterectomy. My SO is much younger than his ex-wife. She already destroyed one child. He is (last I heard) in prison.
Let me give you an idea of an exchange with her.
SO: You moved again? Why wasn't I told, why did you move, working for yourself? Who pays you? Please have (child) call me.
BM: None of your business why I moved, I work for myself, I am my employer, I pay myself. Do you understand now? I am tired of explaining the simplest thing to you. You really are stupid. He doesn't want to talk to you, he hates you, I won't make him call you. I will not continue to be harassed by you with these questions. Stop now!
SO: Why doesn't (child) want to talk to me?
BM: I have no obligation to answer why he wants nothing to do with you. I will only answer questions I am required to answer. You really are stupid if you can't figure out why.
SO: This move, what is your reason behind it?
BM: You know who I know in (city) or are you too stupid to figure that out? I told you I have work lined up here.
SO: Who are you working for? If yourself why was it necessary to move (child) again?
BM: I already told you, you need to listen better, I work for myself. Stop harassing me.
This is almost verbatim the email exchange from 2 moves ago. I left out details that would be indentifying.
This is a mild example. She is a cold, cruel, selfish woman. The only thing she cares about is drugs and sex. (I doubt we can prove the drugs since her drug of choice is meth, and from what I have read it is out of your system quickly) .... Side note.. How do you do methamphetamines and still stay 300 pounds?
Based on that exchange, your
Based on that exchange, your husband is part of the problem. He should learn what "radio silence" means.
I thought it was important
I thought it was important for a parent to know where his child is, where he goes to school. The decree requires the custodial parent to be informed when a parent moves a child out of state.
I think it would be remiss you him to not even ask where his child is or to speak to him.
And his other questions had
And his other questions had little to do with the child.
She has the obligation to
She has the obligation to tell him where she works, per the court order.When someone has been known to be a sex worker in the past and you know they haven't moved for a legit job, and taken the child out of four schools and three states. I think it is a fair question.
Hopefully a judge will see it as an attempt to be certain the child is safe, and the mother hasn't gone back into the sex industry.
I don't know why I am arguing with someone on a forum who obviously, no matter what I say is going to be negative about what I say
Has your DH taken print outs
Has your DH taken print outs of these exchanges to the Judge? If not... why not?
He needs to get them to his attorney and initiate a full consequences campaign against this BM who obviously refuses to respect a CO.. if there is a CO.
I can't go into details about
I can't go into details about the level of evidence that we have in the very unlikely chance she could come across this forum. Highly unlikely she is reading any forums on being a mom though. We absolutely have undisputable proof of, all the addresses, all the unexcused absences and school changes, the medical records, and proof that she was moving to be with men she had only just meet online to be in their lifestyle. (Trying not to be sexually explicit).
Our attorney has been an attorney in the county for 35 years, our attorney is doing this for free because he is a distant relative. He is NOT the kind of man to invest his time for free if he doesn't believe he will be successful.
After this last move, he replied to the information, "just when you think she can't dig herself any deeper she pulls out another shovel".
Thank you all for your comments. I woke to a nightmare about his safety and reading these comments makes me feel less alone.
We did file an emergency injunction, unfortunately in the courts the definition of expediency isn't the same as you and me.
The child is being made to lie, he isn't the kind of child to lie and you can hear it in his voice, the shame. My SO records all calls between him and the child, and only communicates with the mother in writing.
Some people leave bread crumbs of their wrong doings, she has leaves loaves. (Just made that up) Trying to lighten my mood this morning.
>SO records all calls between
>SO records all calls between him and the child,
A court is likely to take a dim view of this.
SO has an app that records
SO has an app that records all of his calls, it is completely legal in our state. How else can you prove that the BM is coaching his answers? Make him testify? I don't understand why this would be frowned upon, I am sure the attorney will decide what is best to be submitted as evidence.
I know the exact criteria you
I know the exact criteria you mentioned, thank you for offering your advice. I printed it out and then attached evidence for each criteria when we gave everything to the attorney. Our attorney is a family court attorney in the county for 35 years. He is also a relative doing this absolutely free. He isn't just a "nice" guy, he was just disgusted by the BM's behavior. He told my SO that he should have come to him sooner. He knows he will not recover fees from the BM and won't be putting in months of work over three States if he didn't feel he had a strong case. That said, I am so thankful to hear what others who have been in this situation have experienced.
My fear, even just as a fellow human being is what this does to society in general. She has an adult son that she raised similarly and now he has a child of his own he can't see, in and out of prison, can't keep a job. His father died when he was a baby. There was no one to fight for his safety. My SO came into that way to late, the damage had been done.
I believe that is something that is not being considered, the damage long term and the cost to society by leaving children with a parent who commits emotional incest,no rules for the child, no stable home, no requirement that the child attend school, and alienating the other parent.
This children end up being the criminals or mentally unstable adults that we all end up being responsible for..
I am surprised by the
I am surprised by the negative comments, the only thing I see my SO did wrong was to trust his ex and not attempt full custody in the first place. When the court date is over, I will post ALL that is going on, maybe the danger to the child isn't being conveyed with the information I am providing.
Thank you to those who were kind.
Once what she has actually done comes into full light, I think everyone will be surprised that she isn't in jail. And I wrote wrong if I said the attorney said we can't lose. Probably my own thoughts. He said he had never seen a stronger case.
The only reason we didn't do an emergency ex-parte order is that judges hate those and deny them 90% of the time. Which would have only prolonged this.
Also someone suggested my SO have "radio silence" I think that would look horrible. What parent wouldn't check on his child, where he is living, and going to school? I feel those are reasonable and necessary things for a parent to know.
Once again, thank you to those who gave me good advice and comfort.
Thank you so much
Thank you so much monkeyseemonkeydo... I was crying my eyes out trying to figure out what my SO was doing wrong and what I could do better.
You have eased my mind some. The good news about my SO's son is we had him for the first 4 months. The BM stayed in the house while my SO paid for it and the bills. But when she realized he wasn't coming back (she was cheating and doing drugs) she ask if she could see him of course my SO obliged. She moved out of the house literally broke down walls in it and refused to tell my SO where she was, filed for the divorce.
By the time my SO saw his son again he had gained 25 pounds or so and had begun watching porn. My SO is too kind hearted, he didn't want his son drug through a custody battle. Also as soon as she got primary custody he was always with us or my SO's mother.
The really bad stuff only started about 6 months ago when she disappeared out of state.
I have found three counselor's in my area and have met with each of them. I found and contacted the local boyscouts. I am frightened at the damage that may have been done. I also can't give up on an innocent child.
Once again, thank you. I almost didn't come back to this forum. I appreciate your response.
I wanted to update, I dislike
I wanted to update, I dislike when I am following a thread and it just falls silent. My SO was able to get an emergency ex-parte injunction. She will not be seeing the child unsupervised until she gets psychiatric help and can show she is "well" enough.
When we got him, I just wanted to cry. In 9 months he has grown an inch and a half but doubled his weight. She didn't want to pay a security deposit so she had his dog "certified" as an ESA Emotional Support Animal. It is pretty much a scam, google it. She had convinced him that he was so emotionally damaged that he needs a service dog. We explained to him what a service dog was, and that all pets are emotional support.
He has missed over 30 days unexcused in 4 months. She didn't have him enrolled anywhere for 3 weeks while she went from hotel to hotel.
Once the final orders are set, I will give more information. The poor kid doesn't want to be with her but feels he has to take care of her. She has a thyroid condition and had a nodule. (I have had 5 nodules looked at, it is common). She told him it was cancer and she was dying. She lost her last job due to lying about the "cancer". I am emotionally spent, but glad the child is safe.
Thanks to everyone who listened and gave me good advice or just commiserated with me.
Unfortunately with the bottom
Unfortunately with the bottom 10%er dipshits of the legal profession who tend to end up on the family law bench it is not only possible that she will retain custody, it is likely.
That said, it will take dogged commitment and confrontation from your DH and from you to get what is in this kid's best interests.
Keep baring BMs bondage scarred ass and keep in in front of the courts until they do the right thing.
I thought I would update
I thought I would update this... There were so many comments that were really negative. The mother did not have a chance. She was lucky she was charged with numerous contempt charges.
My SO got full custody within months of us taking possession of the child. We chased her through 4 states, and 9 addresses. When we got him he was obese, spoiled, lying, manipulative and very poorly adjusted. When you give a child full adult privileges, internet access, unlimited media, video games ,and food but no responsibilities or consequences, you get poor results.
We homeschooled him back to grade level, he is back in public school again, he is down to a normal weight. He isn't as openly manipulative but still lies, can't make friends, is so unlikeable even is grandmother won't keep him. He is very demanding of anyone in his presence time, and is extremely selfish. I have to keep the faith, I know anyone can change, it has been hard. I pray that all this effort will teach him to function in the world and have relationships with other people.
You and your DH saved this
You and your DH saved this kid's life. I hope he does the work necessary to reach fully viable adult status.
Congratulations on your win and on the destruction of the toxic blended family opposition.
Rags, I wanted to thank you
Rags,
I wanted to thank you for your comment. I remind myself of that everynight when I say my prayers and think I can't do one more day.
The things the BM is very openly doing now are so appalling, I can't imagine what could have happened to him.
I love this child even when he is doing his best to be unlovable.
I have faith we are giving him the best foundation of love and discipline we can. Only time will tell, but at least he has a chance now.
You are a parent and the only
You are a parent and the only REAL mother this boy has. You and DH should be proud of what you have done and continue to do for him.