Years of mental abuse FINALLY calling it quits BUT need some advice on a few things
After dealing with DH's rude, STEALING, disrespectful, lazy ,clingy needing to be "daddy's" center 24/7 brats for 7 years I'm done. I was hoping as they got older and into pre-teen/teens years it would get better BUT its only gotten worse. I've had many days/nights talking/arguing about this brats and DH either refuses to see it or makes excuses for them. Gone to therapy and everything and all its done is made DH defense and bitter. He either refuses to see his kids as monsters or does but scared to do anything in fear of losing them. I'm done and I want out. So here I am in hopes you can give me some guidance on this.
Now we have been married for two years, dating for 5 yrs and THANKFULLY have no children together. I am financially secure and can more than comfortably support myself. DH on the other hand will have a VERY hard time financially on his own.
Now DH is clueless I'm planning on leaving and I want it that way till I have my own place. Why? The main reason is we have two dogs and two cats together that I plan on taking with me. My plan is to buy a house since NO rentals locally will allow two cats AND two large dogs. I'm sure DH will want to keep the two dogs but I'm planning on taking all the pets. Why? The youngest Step brat (12) is a abusive little bastard to the animals. In a sneaky way. Will chase/scream at the cats. One cat will hiss and run just at the sight of him. Will jump and elbow the dogs saying hes "just playing", take their toys/bones from them or bother them when they are trying to sleep. The dogs are wonderful and tolerate this abuse BUT one day one dog is bound to snap and bite him then that will be the end of the dog. I've talked to DH a NUMBER of times about this abuse and again does nothing and acts like it no big deal.
Second when we married DH already had a house and I moved in with him. Since then I've been paying half the taxes/mortgage/all house hold bills. We have put in a new furnace which I paid half for. I don't expect half the house just what I put into it. Since my name is not on the deed/mortgage am I screwed as far as getting the money back?
I am a only child with no children of my own and no extended family to offer support during this time so this has also delayed me leaving. So I don't have anyone to run ideas by or get advice so this is why I'm here.
So with the information above what steps do you recommend I take in planning my escape? Honestly I don't even know where to begin since I have so much stuff at the house along with the animals.
You likely are screwed as far
You likely are screwed as far as getting money back from all that you have put into the home - what a sweet deal... him ONLY. Too bad if he can't afford it on his own.
Get out fast! Good for you for realizing it will not get better... only worse.
If you are well off
If you are well off financially, have no kids with DH then you have a bright future ahead being able to completely cut off any ties with SKids.
If you can afford to (and risk not getting any additional things), I would recommend to move out taking your personal stuff and the pets. Once you are on your own and pets are safe, while working out the divorce try and get money from him (hire a good lawyer). Do not waste time and energy fighting for things bought together, just try and get some money back for the part you paid mortage (if you don't then it was just money you paid as rent) and the things bought together. Divorce can be a very costly process so keep it as simple as possible
You need to talk to an attorney
You need to talk to an attorney. Every state has different laws. Go for an initial consultation and get answers to questions that will help you formulate a plan.
Check with the attorney, but I don't think it is wise to buy a house while you are still married. You don't want it to become marital property.
Can the dogs "disappear" sometime before you actually move out? Say the gate gets left open and they run off? Send them to stay somewhere until you can move them with you. I admire you for looking out for your pets.
Be wary of buying a house
Be wary of buying a house while you're still married - he might be able to make a claim on it. Find someone who will house your pets until the divorce is final and then buy your home.
Definitely talk to a lawyer ... a pitbull one.
I was in a similar situation
I was in a similar situation when I left my XDH (no animal abuse to deal with though) but fortunately I was able to return to my parents' house with my animals. As far as my 'stuff' went, I organised a removal company to arrive half an hour after XDH had left for work and they removed what I wanted to take and it went into a self-storage faciility. I was told by my solictor to take photos and make an inventory of house contents and also to collect any receipts/bank statements to prove what was mine and what I'd paid for.
I appreciate your states all have different laws but I have a good friend in Indiana who was in a rental property for about 5 years with 2 large dogs and a cat, so it's maybe not impossible to find something.
So thankful for all the support
Unfortunately there is no safe place I can send my pets intill I find someplace. Rescues are all full I checked on that one. Since I don't have ANY family left I can't hide my pets with them. In my area it was hard enough finding a rental that would take one indoor cat finding a place for TWO cats and TWO large dogs will be close to impossible.
I never thought about buying a house could be a issue if I was still married. Thats going to be a problem. I can't say how he will be when I tell him. Since he is NOT financially stable he could become desperate to save the "lifestyle" the brats are use to so he could try and come after my new house. Can't say on that for sure.
For your sake and the safety of both yourself and your pets keep
quiet. I know it may be difficult to do, but he will come out swinging especially if he knows his lifestyle as he has known it is about to come to an end. People get crazy during divorces. On the positive side, since you were only married 2 years, you may be able to get an anullment, depending on your state. The drawback there is you most likely won't be able to collect or recover any funds you've invested, and honestly, that looks pretty unlikely to me. If that is not an option, and the marriage was brief, it should be a fairly basic divorce. No shared children etc.
I know you love your pets, as you should, and do not want to be without them, even temporarily, but could you board them for a short time while you get a plan? Or, drop them off at "doggy daycare" while you're away at work? I know it can be costly, but you sound like you are financially self-sufficient.
Also, take photos of all of your items as verification as to what you own and brought into the marriage. Anything valuable or sentimental such as important papers, photos, videos of family, jewelry etc, I would place in safety deposit box solely in YOUR name. If possible, I would start packing some things here and there and get a storage unit to slowly put items into.
I had a similar, but somewhat different situation years ago. I had rented a townhome, and against my better judgement,( allowed an old boyfriend from high school I had been reaquainted with after my divorce) to move in. He was huge, 6ft 8" 310 lbs, and I was size 5, 120 lbs at the time. He decided he didn't want to work shortly after he moved in, living off of me, and he would drink daily,(I don't drink at all) and at times get violent. One evening he got very ugly with my 20 year old son,who was leaving for the military, and I called the police to remove this guy from the home. There were 4 officers on the premises, and I told them I wanted him and what little he had out of my place. They asked who was on the lease, and I showed them the lease had just me and my son. They actually waited while he got his things out of my place, and they told him he is not allowed to come back for anything and to make sure he had everything. One of the officers pulled me aside and told me, "You know, by law if his driver's license has your address, and he receives his mail here, even though he's not on the lease, we couldn't assist under normal circumstances, but because he's been violent that makes all the difference." Also a friend of mine was in a terrible situation and decided to contact a moving company to come when her husband was at work. She bought them pizza for lunch so they wouldn't leave and return, wasting valuable time. Everything she wanted was out of the house within hours and professionally packed and they even drove the items 2 hours away to her storage unit. Of course it was a bit pricey, but she left safely and he was not able to try to reclaim anything she took. That marriage lasted less than a year. She tried the anullment route but he was not cooperative. I'm telling you this, because if it comes down to it you can have a police standby while you get your things out of the house, (which is not the best of options) or you can arrange for a moving company team to come move everything in a matter of hours.
If you have no family, is there anyone else who will help you?
I would be diligently looking for a rental property. At least you could board them briefly and be looking for a home to buy in the meantime. I'm in agreement, do not purchase a home until things are finalized, especially knowing his financial world is about to come crashing down. He will fight you for it for sure.
Very helpful thank you
I'm so happy I found this site. Unfortunately due to my line of work and grew up out of state I have few friends. The few close friends I due have would not be able to help with with my animals. They also are married with young children and a full time jobs so could offer little help with anything else. I'm on my own for this for the most part. My saving grace is I'm financially able to "hire" help that I need for the most part.
One good point you made is packing things up. I've started going thru our 2500 sq foot home and boxing things up that I want to keep, getting things posted online that I want to sell. Basically going thru everything and organizing my stuff so I'm not racing around trying to box things up when the shit hits the fan and possibly forgetting something at the house once I leave as once i do he may not give it back to me. Getting a storage unit is a great idea BUT thing its to soon for that. If to much stuff "goes missing" for the house DH will notice and the last thing I want to do is tip him off to what I'm planning or I could end out on the street and my animals taken to the local shelter before I find my own place. He won't notice if I sell things I don't want/need and just box up the "clutter" like i'm just fall cleaning.
Contact an attorney....yeah
Contact an attorney....yeah that's quite the pickle..trying to find rent that way. I also have 2 cats and 2 large dogs so I know the feeling. I also own my home though.
Question though....just so you are prepared...how and when were the animals aquired and by whom?
Are they rescues? THrough a breeder? Whose name is on the registrations/adoption papers? You may have a fight on your hands.
The breed of dogs we have bond VERY deeply with their people...if DH and I would to divorce it would likely screw up my pups more then some skids :( I often think of that when I'm having a 'rather just bolt' idea (typically around PMS time lol) I would feel tremendous guilt not having him in their lives -but I'm kind of nuts that way. Then again there is no animal abuse so it's a very different story.
I think your idea of boxing a few things at a time is wise. A good moving company can likely pack up your belongings in a day while he's at work and have you moved.
I don't know implications of buying a home while married, most definately get legal advice. Worse case situation is you will have to stay there until divorce is final and THEN purchase the home.
The two dogs and one cat came from local rescues. The other cat
The other cat I found. The two cats and one dog has MY name on the adoption papers. One dog DH adopted BUT we went as a family to pick her out. I'm the only one to take all the animals to the vet and the vet records have JUSt my name listed. All the animals like me better than DH even his dog. DH is not really a animal person and the pets can sense this. He will fight for his dog I think. I could be wrong as hes so involved in his brats life I don't see where he will have time to care for a dog. I do most of the animal care.
So for this one dog- are the
So for this one dog- are the adoption papers in his name only or both? Having vet records, etc in your name can help you.