Worried about meeting fiancés kids
Hi,
So a bit of backstory first. I've known my fiancé for around 12 years, we started out as friends. I didn't know he liked me back then and I was seeing someone else. He ended up getting married and we lost touch for a few years. His marriage didn't last because his wife cheated on him and she was abusive too. We then reconnected after seeing each other on a night out. Hung out as friends again and realised we liked each other. Fast forward a year and now we're engaged. I never expected us to eventually end up together and now I wish we'd gotten together years ago, before he got married.
So now this is my situation... I've never met my fiancés two daughters as his ex wife wouldn't allow him to see them. She just doesn't want him to see them, he's not actually done anything wrong. He had no idea when he would see them again. However, he's been fighting for custody and it's looking like they'll start staying with him at weekends soon. I know I should just be happy for him but I'm also concerned about how it will affect our relationship. I've never been in this situation before. I worry that they won't like me. I'm worried that I'll feel pushed out and jealous. It's just been me and him for a whole year. I had expected to meet them a lot sooner but now I might suddenly be meeting them a year in and I don't know how to handle this, especially if we don't get on. What if they just instantly dislike me because I've been spending time with their dad and they haven't? what if I look at them and just see his horrible ex wife? I really want to like them but I don't know if I will. He said he won't mind if I don't but it's far from ideal. I don't want to have to leave him because he's so kind and loving. Good guys are hard to find and I do love him.
He insists that they won't come between us and that they're accepting of everyone. I'm not sure I believe it, as much as I want to. Now, I do like kids because I want my own and I also work with kids. But that doesn't stop this being a nerve wracking and weird situation. How do I look forward to meeting them instead of dreading it and thinking the worst?
How old are the kids?
It sounds like they're probably pretty young so you should try to relax about it. I would plan an activity y'all can do together to keep the pressure to interact down. Don't try to be their buddy, just be pleasant. Definitely don't be a pushover because kids will use that to their advantage.
The weekends your fiancé has the kids may be a great opportunity for you to do your own thing. Give him some time to settle into his parenting groove alone while you pursue hobbies, meet up with friends, clean your house, catch up on sleep, etc.
If you stay when the kids are there...
Watch how you SO acts around the kids. Does he interact with them or does he go off and do his own thing and expect you to be the babysitter. This is a great time to find out what type of father he really is. If the kids are going to be around more often you really need to know what it will be like with your SO.
If he expects you to be a second mom or mother figure in the household, let him know right away that they are not your kids and not your responsibility, they already have two parents and you are not one of them. One big issue is seeing what he does if they do something wrong, if he makes excuses, do not walk away, run and run very fast away.
Well, given that their mother
Well, given that their mother is the withholding kids type, you can be pretty sure it will not a cake walk to integrate them into your life. They will have been filled with lies about either you or him, or both. So there is a good chance of all the things you fear happening.
Please don't set a wedding date until you see how these kids behave and how he deals with it, as well as how he handles his clearly high-conflict ex-wife.
I would recommend that you
I would recommend that you not over think it. Be prepared but don't give them space in your head before you have even met them. You and SO discuss your concerns and be on the same page in the event it goes South as you are concerned it will.
Take care of you.
Oooof, you're giving this way
Oooof, you're giving this way too much space in your head.
You know you like kids, and you must be good with them if you work with them. So trust yourself. One mistake SMs make is to try way too hard to please the kids--spending too much money, giving them too much decision-making power, focusing too much time and attention on what they want at any given moment, showering them with gifts and goodies. Bribery isn't useful and ends up being harmful by setting up unrealistic expectations.
Just find child friendly activities and let it roll. It's a good time to observe your SO--does he show you affection as he normally would? Does he make excuses for bad behavior? Is he a DIsney Dad? Or does he insist that the kids are polite to you?
Spend some time reading here to see what you might face as a stepmom, but don't let it scare you. I have to think that many of the situations here are the extreme end of the spectrum and that there are many stepfamilies that work. But you'll get an idea of what to watch out for.
The single best thing you can do is to be yourself.