or I just went through the same thing. Its BMs Xmas this year. DH and BM always celebrated on Xmas eve. So with this being her Xmas day this year, in theory, we will celebrate XMas eve.

Every year, BM changes the schedule to suit her. When its her 25th, she somehow manages to demand the kids early on the 24th so she can celebrate the 24th evening. When its our 25th, she brings them on the 24th stating 6pm but shows up after 9 or 10pm - this happens every single year.

So this year I asked DH to confirm we are going to celebrate 24th evening, I will plan the big dinner on that night since its BMs 25th and I will arrange the same for my kiddos so we have everyone together.

He was all, well you know BM (haha) she will try to say she is at a party with friends or something and keep the kids. I said no, BM can SAY whatever the hell she wants but YOU need to get the damn kids and not wait for her to show up whenever she feels like it, its your time, by law she is to turn them over at 6pm so if you have to drive across the city and pick them up from her friends place (where she practically lives btw) then you be there at 5:59PM at the door and bring them back, YOU will not ALLOW BM to ruin our holidays yet again.

DH looked so terrified at the idea to exercise the legal rights he has. I am so pissed.

i am so sick of BM calling the shots on holidays.

I think it's exactly what you said- fear... but I also think a lot of it is conflict avoidance. These guys dealt with crazy until they point when they couldn't anymore and they just never want to invite that back in... part of me doesn't blame him, the other part of me is like "WTF you know she's crazy just get it over with!"

Most men are not connected to kids as mothers are. That is not my view, but actually scientific research on that topic that has been done. Add to that a crazy BM and it doesn't take long for men to check out.

I know exactly what you mean. My DH does the same thing. He will do ANYTHING to avoid conflict, even if that means getting the shitty end of the stick. Currently, we have SD full time with no CS. DH refuses to file for CS because he is afraid BM will just take SD to get out of paying CS. So there you have it- a mixture of fear and conflict avoidance. To be honest, I get disgusted when I see that side of my DH. Growing up, my dad was a very strong "man's man" and DH is such a sissy sometimes, I want to smack him!

My DP use to do whatever BM asked of him, then when me and DP got together i made it a point to change it because it was wrong that BM was manipulating, threaten and using my DP for her own selfish needs and NEVER returning the favor. She did the same before me and DP got together (we were friends for years before getting together) i disagreed with it then to and gave him advice about it because what she was doing and still does now is WRONG!! You do NOT use your children to get what you want from your ex, its not fair on the kids or the parent!

In some small ways he's still scared of conflict with his sons BM because its still the same threat with everything "you wont see your son, i'll take you back to court!" I partly understand why he's like this but i still get annoyed to the point where i want to kill him for not standing up from himself and standing up for what is right! But i also know fathers rarely get help with knowing their rights, my DP has looked, asked for help when it comes to dealing with BM and its always, avoid conflict and "play the game" its not right.

And NashvilleWingman, we chose to have a life with someone that we love but no agree's to have a crazy woman in their life making it hell. And no woman likes to watch their partner get dominated by another woman! Just like no man would enjoy seeing another man dominate their partner.

Many BioParents are afraid to be assertive with the blended fam opposition because they think that the toxic side will take it out on and make it all the more difficult on the kids. It is not only an NCP BioDad issue.

My DW who is the CP struggled with this during the first 9 years of our marriage. Finally I was able to provide her with clarity that the toxic SpermClan was taking it out on the kid anyway and if she would be assertive and hold them accountable that she could at least demonstrate to the kid that she had his back and his best interests as her priority. So, she put on her big girl panties and started putting her foot up the SpermClan's collective backside and though the SpermClan was slow on the uptake they finally realized that it was far less painful to be reasonable and comply with the CO than it was to be toxic and manipulative. Not that they did not attempt to manipulate occassionally after she beat them about the head and shoulders with a rolled up copy of the CO, supplemental county rules and state regs.

This was a big improvement over her prior pacifist perspective that just resulted in increasingly toxic crap from the blended family opposition.

My SS-21 remembers clearly when his mom changed her strategy in dealing with the SpermClan. He was bout 11 and came home from a visitation with the last of the "your not my dad and (SpermGrandMa) says I can't call you dad" crap. We had never kept the facts from him prior to that but that was the first time he saw his mom be direct, assertive and hold the SpermClan accountable for their toxic crap.

Now that he is 21, on his own and self supporting he will occassionally give his mom and call to comment how he has to treat his SpermClan the same as he remembers her treating them from the time he was ~11 onwards. They are manipulative and toxic and incessently try to ply the guilt trip on him to send money so that they can support his three younger also out of wedlock SpermIdiot half sibs.

Coddling the opposition does not protect the Skids. It does nothing but allow the opposition to do as they wish and exposes the Skids to the more toxic characteristics of the shallow and polluted end of their gene pool.

IMHO of course.