You are here

Why am I doing this??

BMS0820's picture

Submitted by BMS0820 on Thu, 09/08/2011 - 3:45pm

Forums: 
General Discussion

I am going through a period of doubt with my situation with my SO and his kids....why would I do this if I have never been married and have no kids of my own?....I luv him and them so much but find it so hard to try and find my place in an established family...i feel lost and alone at times and try to talk to him about it...for the most part he is very understanding but can't know exactly what it is to be in my position...he's also very supportive when it comes to me and the kids...sometimes i feel alone when i have these feelings of doubt...please advise....

Auteur's picture

Submitted by Auteur on Thu, 09/08/2011 - 4:06pm

I felt that way in the early years. Not to be a Negative Nelly, but in the early years, when I was soooooooo "in love" with GG (biodad I live with) I realized that I was gradually sacrificing myself for his ready made family. At the time I was more than willing to do so for the sake of "love" and this gave the APPEARANCE that he was "supportive" of me.

The fact is that most of these men with previously enjoyed families are "supportive" AS LONG as you are willing to play doormat and go along with everything; namely everything the BM and skids will put you through.

I came to a point where that inner voice was telling me that a man playing disneydad to his children and cow towing to everything the BM and skids want is NO way to raise children.

I did have grown bios of my own in which I raised strictly. I saw the amazing contrast. The inner voice kept getting louder as I kept questioning my own sanity.

I found this site and all the other women who were experiencing the same thing. I compiled a list of "traits" that I saw over and over again. The BM who is intent on turning the children against dad ESPECIALLY if said dad DARES to move on. The parental alienation tactics; the knee jerk guilty daddy reaction.

I've made somewhat of an informal study of it all these past EXTREMELY long eight years.

Conclusion? Living with a guilty daddy is far worse than my two previous marriages COMBINED; one to a man who was totally emotionally unattached and the second to a physically abusive raging alcoholic.

I often post the "warning signs" of trouble ahead to warn others of going down this road. If you're younger than 50 I'd advise you to run like hell from ANY man with kids. Just the court system ALONE that is extremely unfair to the father, yet overly concerned with the "golden uterus" makes it not worth ANY WOMAN'S while.

Lauren1438's picture

Submitted by Lauren1438 on Thu, 09/08/2011 - 4:11pm

Your not alone. trust me it is hard to adjust from being single no kids to in a relationship with kids and and ex. It will be hard at times and it does take a lot of adjusting. I have been in my future DH life for 1 year and 3 months now. It was a huge change with our relationship. The BM is a nightmare and every weekend we have reteach the girls the rules and basic manners. But we love each other. We did a month apart to make sure that it is what we both wanted and it was, so we work at our relationship everyday and with the BM always texting, wanting more money, and demanding he drive over to punish the girls because "they wont listen" it is sometimes a battle. But at the end of the day we love each other and have an open line of communication with how we are feeling/what we want so it works. It is hard but it works.

dragonfly5's picture

Submitted by dragonfly5 on Thu, 09/08/2011 - 4:14pm

bms0820, we are in the same boat. I love my SO with all my heart, he is a God send.

But like you I am a BIO mom and I know how hard it is to raise kids. My daughter is now 29, happy, successful, and very independent.

His kids are 11 and 14, the fun it yet to come! I love them they are great. Respectful, kind, fun, they take direction extremely well. And like you if there is something I am concerned about or want changed my SO is all over it and makes the adjustment with them immediately. So no problems right?

Wrong...I still know what is coming and sometimes the fear overwhelms me. I thought I was done with the kid thing...and here it is again.

I love kids, and spend lots of time with my god kids, so dating a man with kids was logical to me.....then the feelings came. I didn't expect to not want to have the kids around. I doubt if I want to do it all again. And his Ex is so full of drama that sometimes that overwhelms me too.

Then I look at my SO and I am so thankful for him....torn.! Yes, I get it.

Auteur's picture

Submitted by Auteur on Thu, 09/08/2011 - 4:18pm

I might add that you have to have a TRULY supportive biodad; one that can see past the "coochie coo" as it were.

One that is mature enough to realize that simply pacifying his children and giving in to their every whim in order to keep from "losing them to the BM" (TM) is doing his children a disservice.

One that is on the same page as you as respects rules, boundaries, expectations.

One that truly PARENTS his children and not simply BEFRIENDS them.

One that is not scared S-less of the BM and will stand up to her/give her boundaries and enforce them for YOUR protection.

These men are rare indeed in today's world.

dragonfly5's picture

Submitted by dragonfly5 on Thu, 09/08/2011 - 4:29pm

Everything you say is so true. I have looked at that list you have posted a hundred times. I have two friends who's husbands have "guilt" tattooed on their heads. Their kids are disrespectful, have horrible hygiene, and lack all major social skills.

If her soon to be..shows any of those signs she needs to run as fast as she can. I don't care how wonderful he is. It will not be worth the hell she will experience.

But also Auteur, this is also why I still haven't committed to marring my Mr Wonderful. I want to make sure I don't get the bait and switch. Especially when the horrible teenage years come.
Dating for now is very, very good.