Hi
I have been on here for a couple of days now and am wanting advice on where to go from here. My story and timeline (to keep a complex situation as simple as possible)
My now husband was my friend prior to either of us having children so our kids have grown up together. After my marriage and his relationship broke up we have been together for 10 years, in that time we lived together for 2 years before getting married 18 months ago. Our kids are: Boy 18 (his), Girl 16 (his) Girl 15 (mine) Boy 13 (mine) Girl 13 (his), Boy 12 (mine) - yep the Brady bunch. He has had his kids EOW, as well as dinner 1-2 nights every week and also during school holidays part-time. I have my kids full time except for EOW when they see their dad. The kids all consider themselves brothers and sisters due to the close and constant relationship they have had all their lives.

6 months ago my SD16 became seriously ill with a rare autoimmune condition and has spent the past 6 months in hospital. During this time she has been in several comas, suffered a full cardiorespiratory arrest and been on and off life support, in amongst periods of total lucidity (this is the nature of the disease) The expected duration is 2 years for hopefully a complete recovery. She has just been discharged but still has a long road to go with rehab. Initially I offered to play a role in the 3 of us (DH, BM and I) for one of us to be there around the clock (i.e each do 8 hour shifts). My thinking was that it would give both my DH and the BM time off to see their other kids. This was rudely declined. So instead, during this time, I have had full time care of all 5 other kids. My husband would come home from work before me, get changed and go to the hospital. Most nights only getting home after I have been in bed. The BM stayed at the hospital 24/7 against the advice of medical staff and social workers. She has played the matryr and 'poor me' to the detriment of her other 2 children. She would take a couple of hours or a night off and see her friends and her ex boyfriend but during the whole 6 months, saw her other 2 kids only 4 times, and only 2 of those overnight. I have cooked, cleaned, washed, bought clothes, taken to dentists and doctors, financed and given emotional support to the 2 skids that have been living with me.

I am a qualified ND and yet when I have made medical or treatment suggestions to my DH I have again been dismissed One of the drugs they decided to give her after I warned against it resulted in her having a 48 hour psychotic break whereby she ended up being transferred to the psych ward. Another time I requested they give her an ipad to communicate, they said she wouldnt be able to. After much persistance on my part they gave in and guess what - she could communicate! Then there was the time I mentioned she should be on anticoagulants after being immobile and on the OCP (given because the hospital didnt want her having her period while she was sick) as the risk of clots is substantially higher. This was again ignored and sure enough she had a pulmonary embolism and serious of brain stokes- cardiac arrest with no heart or lung function for 40 minutes and brain ischemia -But my DH has the audacity to tell me "you know nothing". Moving forward..

3 weeks ago I was concerned about SD13 who has slid into depression...she hides in her room, avoids her mothers calls and will only speak about what is upsetting her to me. She has stopped eating aside from the bare minimum and she cries herself to sleep. My DH has not been around to see this. I have tried to talk to him along the way but he would pass it off with "she'll be okay". Finally I blew my stack and told him that both him and the BM need to look at the effect this situation has had on their other children. He screamed at me "they're not your kids!" Well....not my kids but I have sole care of them????? WTF?? I couldn't bring myself to speak to him for 2 days.

The present...SD16 has been out of hospital since Christmas eve and was officially discharged 2 days ago (Thursday). I was told 15 minutes before the skids left on tuesday that they were going back to the BM. This made me angry, I have shopped (this is my money) and have meals prepared for a family of 7 and I get 15 minutes notice that they will not be staying with us. When I asked DH when they would be coming back he said IDK. Yesterday, DH informs me, the skids will be with us for the next 4 days and that he would be leaving to pick them up in an hour. I lost it. I am expected to cook, clean, wash and support these kids but cant even be asked if this is okay? Like he said...they are not my kids but this is expected of me??

I don't resent looking after them, I have been a big part of their lives all their lives but this situation seems to me that I am expected to do all the crap part of mothering at the drop of a hat. (I'm sure its because BM wanted to go away for New YEars). All I want is to know -in advance, when i am expected to look after 6 kids vs my 3. Is this too much to ask? I have told DH that both him and the BM have consistently disrespected me and what I have done over the past 6 months. They are right, I am not their mother but when I am expected to care for the skids they can at least show me the consideration of letting me know when they will be in my care. I said he is welcome to have his kids for the next 4 days but I wont be here (my kids are with their BD for the weekend). I have also told him that now SD16 is home full time we need to re-establish visitation so I know what I am doing. On the outside it may not seem like much but going from 3 kids to 6 in meals alone when they all eat adult size portions is an effort not to mention the cost (which I cover). I don't care how often we have them because I love them but I want routine. Am I right in asking for this or am I being selfish like my DH thinks? Where do I go from here?