When skids get 2 christmas' and/or 2 bday's and your BIO get's 1- do you ever overcompensate?
Intentionally or unintentionally?
I have always stuck to my guns and try to raise my BIO to be the best person she can be. I don't want her over spoiled- she is a little because she's my only. Having SD16 around is extremely difficult because the comparison's are non stop. For example, even though skids don't help with anything (even when they did live there) I'm teaching my daughter how to do chores and they are expected of her. It really ticks me off that FDH has also come to expect this of her at 9 years old but not his own children. I know it sounds contradictory but do you understand what I'm saying? It's different when it's my kid- basically.
Anyway, I want my child to be grateful and appreciate gifts and she does. She's very polite and always says Thank you, etc.
Sd16 asked for cold hard cash this Christmas (she actually said no gifts!) and as most of you may know FDH is getting her a car. AND she get's 2 Xmas's, I know it's pretty much irrelevant but this year I have this propelling feeling to go a little overboard and spoil my BIO this year because FDH is going so overboard (and we were supposed to be cutting back-what a joke) and I don't want my BIO to always feel like she gets the shaft.
Also, FDH and I got in a huge fight bc Sd16 said she's only getting her mom, dad and bf a gift (She's NEVER given anyone gifts before) She intentionally left me out (I'm not surprised and didn't expect anything from her) She told my bio she's not getting her anything either. My bio had hurt feelings and FDH defended SD16 and said she's not getting any of the kids anything not just my bio. It was uncalled for and it was a jab- FDH wouldn't back down on defending her rude comment. It was unnecessary- just feeds into my bio's feeling of being unliked and unwanted by SD16. How would you deal with this comment?
Am I being ridiculous?
Of course I stick up for my
Of course I stick up for my bio, always- FDH ALWAYS says that when his kids were her age they did chores (back when him and xw were married) :? I just respond with "Well what the hell happened?" Shuts him up temporarily.
And I will be saying that to him- Thats the driving force behind him wanting my bio to do dog poop duty- I said absolutely not, it's his dog. He didn't clean the cat box with the animal we brought into the relationship. If we get a dog together then thats different, he just doesn't want to do it! Grrrr
Precisely- VERY divided
Precisely- VERY divided
Perfect! So, take your kid
Perfect! So, take your kid shopping and teach her that Jesus was all about Love, but not about being a push-over. And Christmas is no longer about Love, it's about what are you doing for me financially. If it WAS about Love, it would be about donating all your money to the homeless, which is what St Nikolaus initially did.
Yes! I do some things extra
Yes! I do some things extra for our DD13 around this time of year. It isn't necessarily material things, but I try to have a night out to celebrate the season with just our DD. Sometimes it's a trip to the city for a play, or a night out in a Christmas themed town. I have done this since she was about 5 or so. She knows SD gets more material things just for the fact she has two houses that celebrate Christmas. DD has not given a "list" since she found out about Santa, but she does always ask "what are we going to do for our day?" We look forward to it each year. It makes her realize she is lucky in other ways than in material things.
It bothers me that MIL will
It bothers me that MIL will bring over gifts for the kids and then she will have SS come to her house and load him up with extra presents. Same with SIL.
What can I do? I just teach my kids that they have advantages in some areas and SS has advantages in other areas and that we all need to make the best of what we have in life.
... or somethign like that.
That would rub me wrong too!
That would rub me wrong too! For goodness sakes if they are going to do that the least they could do is hide it from you and the other kids! My MIL use to do this for my SD I didn't mind that she did it as much as the fact she let it be known to all of us that she did it. I do a little more for certain people in my family than I do for others. I have two nieces that are much closer to me than my other nieces and nephews. They get a little more, but they need it and appreciated it and we do not go out of our way to let the rest of the family know about it. I feel if a grandparent or aunt wants to give more to a certain member they are free to do so, but have some common courtesy about it.
I agree. It left me feeling
I agree. It left me feeling uneasy and resentful also.
But such is the case with SS. Everyone feels bad for him because his mom is a POS, abandoned him when he was 5 and now he's a recovering spoiled brat at age 13.5.
I wanted to get something a little extra for my DD this year and was even thinking of leaving it at her Father's - just so I wouldn't have to hear SS complain that things aren't "even" or "fair" - that's the ironic part of it.
This is a topic that gets my
This is a topic that gets my blood boiling. SS doubles up on all special occasions. Christmasses, Easters, birthdays, etc. And yet, whenever my two bios get a special "treat" of some kind, DW laments over how poor widdle SS has been left out. DW and I had a HUGE argument last year because my folks wanted to take them to their condo in FLA for a week. I was for it. DW nixed it on the grounds that it isn't fair on SS. Ugh...
Anyways, to answer your question, no you are not being ridiculous, but I have learned to not expect anything from my SS. I was a little hurt at first, but the fact of the matter is, I cannot expect anything out of a kid who doesn't think further than 15 seconds into the future. So the less emotionally invested I am in him the better. Lately he has been showing some appreciation of the things I do for him and I suspect that is because my DW gave him a stern talking to one day.
I think that is what your SD needs.
And besides, the best Christmas gifts I get are the things I get for myself! (Read my sig line)
Draco - Bet your parents
Draco - Bet your parents aren't big fans of your DW. I could not imagine nixing a trip to FL for any child mine or not. That would have been an all out mess at my house, but then again neither my DH nor I would have even thought to try that one. I think some people take the whole treating everyone the same to an extreme level. We aren't all the same so why should we be treated the same.
I agree, I also would have
I agree, I also would have told FDH that we will have to agree to disagree bc they WILL be going on the trip. Skids get more benefits and bio's get to sit back and watch. Bullshit
>Draco - Bet your parents
>Draco - Bet your parents aren't big fans of your DW.<
Don't go there. My Mom is a little more understanding but my Dad has said some pretty harsh words which is akin to the language of Mordor which I will not utter here.
>We aren't all the same so why should we be treated the same.<
A universal law that only we adults can understand?
"A universal law that only we
"A universal law that only we adults can understand?" It seems to me adults, myself included, are the ones who have the problem with this rather than the kids.
Exactly!! Like I said it's
Exactly!! Like I said it's irrelevant because I obviously can't change the fact that skids double up on EVERYTHING and my bio doesn't but it doesn't change the fact that it bugs the shit out of me. Last year FDH made a HUGE deal about getting SD16 a stocking, he put little gifts like earrings and a bunch of candy. She snarled at the stocking on Xmas day, claimed she doesn't like candy (bullshit) and left her stocking and all thats in it at out house.... how rude. But he made the biggest f'n deal about it.
I can't afford it right now anyways but I would love to go on spring vacation with my bio and FDH. You know why I won't? BC DS16 would end up "having" to come. She's already bitched that FDH hasn't taken her anywhere in a few years and I would rather light my hair on fire then financially contribute to a vacation that is destined to be ruined by SD16. I refuse. SD will be 18 in a year and a half and my Bio will be the perfect age to take somewhere and SD18 (then) won't be able to make it }:)
Just sucks my bio has to see this crap. she WILL be the better person but I'm sure it's difficult to understand
Aw man! Blood is now boiling
Aw man! Blood is now boiling and reaching uncontrollable pressure now! I am hoping and praying that SS will smarten up, get his act together and finally and do well in school because I already told DW that if SS has to go to summer school because he decided to goof off all semester like he has been doing, that I am going to take DW, my two bios and myself on our summer vacation and will leave SS behind. DW said that if I do that, she won't come with me because she will feel horrible about spending a summer vacation without SS. Gargh! What am I supposed to do? Club my wife over the head and drag her by the hair on vacation with me!?!?!
Fortunately my bios are still very young, so they don't see this crap. But I am sure one day they will.
This situation is different
This situation is different from when your parents wanted to take the kids, this time it is a family vacation and I assume when you say family you want your DW and SS with you and the BIOS. If my DH really did not want to go on a trip without SD then that would be pretty much it. Having said that last year SD had to work during the time we went on vacation. It is the same time each summer and she knew in advance, but was not able to get time off work. We all went on the vacation without her, we missed her, but we wanted to keep the vacation on so we did.
LOL sorry to get your blood
LOL sorry to get your blood boiling! XW visits her family in FL every spring break, EVERY time he gets calls and texts from SD16 complaining she's bored or BM isn't paying enough attention to her and I'm not kidding, EVERY year after the trip XW calls FDH and complains about how selfish and ungrateful and bratty Sd16 is and she swears she's not bringing her ever again. But she does, and last spring break she let SD16 (15) at the time bring her boyfriend :jawdrop: They all lied to FDH about it. There's nothing he can do is his attitude. but he was pissed.
So even though I already knew all of this, her own mother can't stand her on spring break vacation (but she's blind to her behaviors otherwise) I know for a fact if I can't be in the same house as her for weekly visits I could not be on vacation with her non stop, and forced to be with her for days at a time. Like I said. I'd rather light my hair on fire. So I do little last minute staycations }:) Last minute waterpark hotels maybe 2x a year or something fun just for bio- SD16 doesn't even know and I'm sure she has plans anyway since it's "last minute"
Also, I know it may be easier said then done but I would continue to plan your vacation with or without your wife. Thats not fair to your bio's and they may not realize it yet but they will! And they will resent SS for it too!
I'm hoping my summer vacation
I'm hoping my summer vacation doesn't necessitate performing family fission. Just thinking about it is giving me a headache.
It sounds like you and I are in the same boat (more or less). Our step kids have been pampered to such an extent that even the things that we and our bio-kids consider as luxury is considered as "general requirement" by the skids. It throws the whole balance off. And when the step-kid whines, or is angry, bored or frustrated, the bio-parents fly in to try and fix the problem by trying to make the kid happy again rather than give them a slapping dose of reality.
No, DW has been coddling SS
No, DW has been coddling SS WAY before I ever came into the picture. She coddles him a lot less now but sometimes her parenting/discipline style is fueled by guilt rather than common sense. She's not a "bad" mother per se. She just can't stand seeing SS dissapointed, sad or hurt. Her own mother even told her that it is okay for SS to feel down and when he does, DW should just leave him be and let him get over it on his own....But DW can't....she just can't.
^^^ How frustrating. She's
^^^ How frustrating. She's handicapping him by treating him this way. How is he ever going to learn how to deal with disappointment or sad feelings when your wife rushes to fix it and make it all better all the time? This is a little different but the same- SD16 has always played games and she's good, her parents don't bother to correct her behavior so now at 16 she's spoiled and out of control- everything is so UNFAIR.
If she had chores at our house she would call her mom and get picked up on the spot so she got out of her chores(without us knowing-she would just leave), if she had something to do at her moms she would call daddy and tell him she misses him and wants to see him and come get her right now the XW would call freaking out later on that day. SHE HAS NEVER BEEN HELD ACCOUNTABLE OR RESPONSIBLE FOR THE THINGS SHE HAS DONE (even after they figured out her game they still let her play it)- it's a cruel world out there, her parents did her no favors by raising her to believe the sun rises and sets on her ass, hopefully she will learn sooner rather then later but when she does learn, it's gonna hit her hard.
I agree Draco, I think we are in the same boat.
Our skids don't get two.
Our skids don't get two. When they have Christmas day at BM's, they get a few small gifts from us. When BM throws them a big birthday party, they get a few small gifts from us.
When they have Christmas at our house, we do the big tree and gifts; but we still keep it modest since we know BM is in constant competition to out-do us. If we throw a birthday party (which is not common); they are small, intimate events with family and we still limit how much we spend on gifts.
We don't have bios of our own yet, so there's no real comparison yet. At the end of the day, we can be fair to the kids in our home; we can't control what happens at BM's. If she wants to buy them new cars for their 16th birthdays that's on her. It doesn't dictate some responsibility for me to buy one for my kid.
Santa ALWAYS comes to my
Santa ALWAYS comes to my house. For everyone.
This is actually a good thing because last year - SS's first Christmas morning with his mother since he was 5- Santa didn't come to BM's house.
I know, did SS - who was 12 at the time- really beleive in Santa? Yes. Yes he did, right up until his mom told him that he didn't exist last year.
12 seems a bit old to still
12 seems a bit old to still be believing in Santa, but apparently it happens.
We don't have a need for 2 Santa visits because BM always provides one for the skids. We don't want to start the trend or expectation that they'll always get twice as much stuff. It sounds like your situation is the opposite .. without your Santa visit, skid would get none in years that he's with BM. That's just not the case for us.
We celebrate the holiday season throughout the month .. so we reduce the present-centric theme of the holiday. I like to think that my skids will look back at the season of memories long after the thrill of the latest toy fad has passed.
This is a bit different for
This is a bit different for me: My DD 12 is my dad's "little buddy," but he doesn't like DD2; has said so on many occasions. Blatantly tells me, DD12, and DD2 that he loves DD12 more than DD2 and that she is his favorite. Bought DD12 a $150+ bike for Christmas plus a lot of other gifts, bought DD2 a $5 Snow White doll (think Barbie sized), a slinky, and a pack of box cars.
I know she's small right now and maybe doesn't see/understand what's going on, but one day she will. It's really sad b/c it's like she doesn't have grandparents; DD12 has my dad, SS8 has MIL, DD2 has none.
Anyway, I was looking in Wal-Mart yesterday for a battery charger for her power wheels quad which is about a year old. Charger costs $45, a whole new power wheels (toddler sized pink power scooter) is $49. Thought 1: go back and pick it up to even things out. Thought 2: No, I don't want to spend the money and she should still have a pretty good Christmas without it; it's not like she'll notice the disparity in gifts. Thought 3: Pick it now while it's still on sale, hold it until her birthday in 6 mo.s.
Honestly, I've more or less discarded thought 2 and am torn between 1 and 3. It's a purely guilt move, and I know it.
What's your dad's problem?
What's your dad's problem? I'm not sure I'd let any of my kids hang around someone who says hurtful things like that, family or not.
He's just a jerk. I can't
He's just a jerk. I can't talk to him about it, either; I've tried. So far as he's concerned, what he's doing is perfectly acceptable; everyone has a favorite child/grandchild; if I look into my heart of hearts, I have a favorite, too; etc. He can't/won't own up that what he's doing is wrong. He just deflects, deflects, deflects.