What is normal? People with difficult Steps
I am experiencing some confusion about what my new role should be in SD13's life. I raised her most of her life, but due to her having Reactive Attachment Disorder and being a threat to the health and safety of my bios and myself, she is no longer living with me and is in process of being institutionalized to get the help she needs. So I have gone from one extreme (raising her) to the other (little contact with her).
I am trying to determine what our new normal should be for our family. I am curious how "normal" step-families handle young teenagers that are rude to their step-mothers. Do they continue to visit or are they told they can visit after they get their act together? How normal is it for a 13 year old to be extremely loud and talk about things like yelling "rape" at school when a boy accidentally touches her when walking past her at school? She is so loud talking about what goes on at school...she is trying to be cool and impress others...it is sooo annoying.
My SD15 contantly says the
My SD15 contantly says the dog is trying to rape her or something of that nature, if he even crawls on ehr lap. I think it's a kid thing and yes annoying.
There is no normal...Everyone is messed up in some way. Just do what you can do, but make sure thsi little girls knows you didn't abandon her.
If I said something related
If I said something related to an animal raping me at 15 years old, my mom would sit me down & discuss the serious nature of RAPE. She would make me understand & acknowledge the lack of humor in the subject & she would make it perfectly clear that it is not something that should be claimed unless it's real.
The joking references I hear people using the term with make it easy for girls/women to throw the accusation around far too casually & irresponsibly. There is nothing funny about rape & it shouldn't be addressed as something that is.
That's how I was raised, too!
That's how I was raised, too! I wasn't allowed to have a dirty mouth or joke about serious things. It seems so many kids do this these days! I don't know how much of it is the new normal and how much is me being a prude!
Since she is being
Since she is being institutionalized I think you should seek advice from the staff where she will be.
There is no way you can compare this to a "normal" stepfamily at all.
You are right, there really
You are right, there really isn't a comparison. We have never had "normal" step dynamics. I just feel torn, I love her and can't stand her all at the same time. And fearing her adds a whole new layer to the situation.
Little contact by choice or
Little contact by choice or because you're not allowed to?
Since the situation is not of the childs choosing and she is now in a situation where she cannot harm outsiders I would assume you would continue normal parental contact with her in the institution.
However you don't mention her being a threat to her father. If she's fixated on harming only you and yours I would keep her as far away as possible until her treatment is working. That may be a few months or never.
Little contact is of my
Little contact is of my choosing. She is disrespectful and not at all grateful for the fact that I raised her since 5, instead she tells me it is my fault her mom is a piece of trash (yeah ok). She won't follow a single rule and that is not over-exaggerating, she breaks rules on purpose just to break them. The little contact is because I don't feel myself or my kids are safe around her.
I just wonder how most people handle kids that are so rude and annoying. Do you keep going out of your way or finally say "she doesn't care so enough is enough".
She is only dangerous to my bios and myself. I don't fear her harming her dad. So I step back and let him handle her.
I just find myself still doing things like buying her a bunch of Christmas presents...she really doesn't deserve it but I love her and want to do it for her...but then again I am like "WHY?"
My SD17 screamed "bitch" at
My SD17 screamed "bitch" at me and my DH didn't even insist she apologise. If it had been up to me I wouldn't have wanted to see her again until she did, but I'm only half the story.
Similarly, if one of my bios had been extremely rude to DH I would have insisted they make amends.
I have disengaged even further since this incident(in May of this year) and now barely speak to her, whereas before I would have short conversations with her.
"Barely speak to her". That
"Barely speak to her". That is where I am at. It is sad because I love her...I just can't stand to be around her at all. It is so weird! It hurts to see her ruining her life when I had such high hopes for her. Hopefully the institution will help her learn to cope and not make her hate us all even more.