What do I have to look forward to?
Forums:
I'm realizing I should have listened to the advice y'all gave me about 2 years ago.
Long term step-parents, did it ever get better and what do I have to look forward to with a HCBM training the toddlers to hate me and a husband who takes no responsibility? I have some serious thinking to do. If this has been answered before just let me know what to search because I couldn't find quite what I was looking for when searching.
Thanks. You all are very supportive and honest.
No, it won't get better.
No, it won't get better.
The BM is a junkie, who will more than likely never get clean. Heroin is often considered THE most addictive drug on the planet. In fact, there's a better chance that she will eventually OD, rather than get clean, and their lousy father gets them full time, which means YOU get them full time.
Your husband does not want to be a parent, he feels that that is what he has you for. He has been disrespecting you as a partner since the beginning. He showed you who he was back then, nothing's changed. This is him. This is his belief system, that you, as his wife, the woman, should take care of his kids.
It can get better
I'm 76, DH is 84. We love our life. We eat, sleep (a lot!), go to the casino. I'm living with my favorite person and cherishing each day.
BUT, we went thru a lot to get here. We had the high conflict BM and 3 boisterous, aggressive SKs. I wont go into the whole story but counseling helped me immensely. I think it comes down to how you feel about DH. Is he a good man who is trying hard to navigate a tough dynamic? Does he have your back? Is being with him worth putting up with all the hassle?
One thing that has recently helped me reframe it in my mind is my self-description of the SK's. I said " boisterous and aggressive" above but I could also say, "healthy, active, bursting with energy and eager to savor all life experiences" . Im an introvert so that was part of the difficulty. Its important to recognixe if youre that person who needs more alone time. Good luck.
Non-stop struggles.
Poverty, premature aging, and heartbreak. Constant stress that causes health problems, CPTSD, depression, anxiety, low self esteem, constant fighting, and the eventual demise of your relationship due to resentment and a loss of all respect for your H.
The skids will eventually turn on you, and appreciate none of your sacrifices. You'll never have peace, but you will have lots of regrets. You'll come to understand that all your efforts were wasted, that you're just an accessory in someone else's life and collateral damage in someone else's war.
If you have a child with this man, you'll come to hate yourself for making them a part of the dysfunction.
And blame. No matter how hard you try, how much blood, sweat, and tears you give, you will be blamed for every wrong, real and imagined.
Wowza
100% true! Excellent description, sad, pathetic , BUT TRUE!
Ah, Julie,
Ah, Julie,
In just a few, brief paragraphs, you've encapsulated the true wretchedness and damage of steplife. Ouch!
Could your wisdom be abbreviated into a meme? Hmmmm…
Yes to this! All of it.
Yes to this! All of it.
I am in part time okay-ness pattern because SD18 is away at college but I don't know how long that is going to last.
When one issue gets resolved another one or 10 just begin.
I guess the real question is
I guess the real question is "can" it get better? I mean, sure, if you have a partner that is willing to protect you and your boundaries. One that doesn't feel it is your responsibility to raise his children by another woman. When his family is supportive of you.
You have none of that going for you.
If you don't have kids with this man, I would be out the door in a flash. You are looking at over a decade of this crap. I don't care if you love him.. love is just not enough. Especially when his own family is scheming against you? nope.. The chance that it gets better is slim to none. Even if BM expires.. there are more issues than just her.
Your situation does not look optimistic.
I mean.. yeah.. my SD's grew up.. left home and live independently from us. We have no contact with BM... woohoo. great.. but they way you describe things.. it is not likely you will get the same end result.
Do you think that
Do you think that the SD who sees you as the one who made her not the one that is number one to her dad can ever grow up and be a respectful human being? My SD just moved with her BM in another city 2 1/2 hours away to go to nursing school. She only comes back to our house once a month. (We recently moved to our own home after living with his mom for the past ten years.) I told my SO that I wasn't living with anybody for a while and his daughter was not going to have a room here. When she came to the house the first time a couple weeks ago, I showed her the home and told her our extra rooms were the guest room and the office. I don't think she liked that very much. She is going to be out of school for a month for break in December and I told my husband that she will not spend the whole time with us. We got into an argument about it and I told her that his daughter is a manipulating, lying brat who has never been told no by him. Is there a way to be civil to this brat and not make my husband mad in the process? There has always been a power struggle, IMO, when it came to this brat. Does anybody have any advice or has anybody been through this and survived in their marriage? Thank you in advance.
I am with you on adult skids
I am with you on adult skids not having a dedicated room in the home. But, I would make that a somewhat soft rule if it were due to the kid being in school full time. If a kid is going to college and living in a dorm.. I think ours used to shut down for breaks so the kids were expected to go home. If she doesn't have her own place at school... where she can stay... I'm not sure it's the right thing to exclude her from staying over a school break. Now, if she has her own apartment off campus, certainly, you could tell your DH , you expect she will have maybe a week visit over the holidays.. but not a whole month!
I know I wouldn't want to have either of my SD's live with us now that they are adults.. to the point where I would help facilitate it not happening with my own money ..haha.
I think it's a hard sell when she may not have elsewhere to go.. (though the expectation would be to split her time with mom and dad?)
SD lives with her mom
in another city where she is going to school. She has her own room in her mom's home so not having a place to stay during her school break is not a problem. Her mom actually moved cities so the brat could be closer to her school. She was riding the commuter train two hours before her mom moved to the city where the school is. Now SD only has a 7 minute ride to school.
Another question I have is do your SKs ever make low comments to your SO when you walk out of the room or talk low so you don't hear what they're saying to your SO? How do you handle this? Does it bother you or do you ignore them and see it for the kind of person they are or do you get mad? It bothers me because I feel like it's a disrespect thing to do when she is in the presence of me. The kid acts nice but if you use a tone of voice she doesn't like, she has an attitude toward you and acts rude.
I trust my partner to have my
I trust my partner to have my back....so no.. it doesn't worry me.
Also, I think if someone used a bad tone of voice towards me.. I might have an attitude too.. haha.
We have to keep in mind that we are not the only people that may struggle with the situation.. dealing with a new person that you may or may not click with. Your partner should insist that everyone in the home be civil. but, it's also ok for them to talk with their child without you.. and vice versa.
As far as the holiday break. I might tell your partner that one month is a long time for a visit.. maybe a week or two. But ultimately, it is his house too and he should have an equal say... but you may need to compromise.. while he also needs to compromise.
How far is mom's place anyway? any reason he couldn't visit in her town some too?
Mom's place is
2 1/2 hours away. It is actually one exit away from where we go to the beach. I would love it if my husband went there and spent the day with her away from here. I don't raise my voice to her and I don't talk rudely to her because she has an attitude if you do. She just takes it that way.
Sometimes I don't know if he has my back or not. I know that he's put his foot down more with her in the past few years. In the last couple years of her high school years, she was awful to him. So he doesnt do for her like he used to.
As far as holiday break, I didn't say the whole break not seeing her...I just said she could be here part of the time. A week or two for christmas and new years was what I was thinking. I feel like I have to walk on eggshells when she is here because of her self-entitled attitude she has for herself. When we lived with my MIL, she also felt like she had to walk on eggshells. The SD never really was told no very much when she was growing up. So she has pretty much put herself on a pedastal where she thinks she can do what she wants and it's ok. Or she manipulates her way to get what she wants.
I'm not sure why she would
I'm not sure why she would have an expectation or desire to spend her whole break with you guys.. especially if she feels any awkwardness with you. She has a home.. and assuming she has friends and a life there. As a young adult, I would have spent as little time away from that social life as possible.. I used to stay at college during breaks in my apartment vs go home.. I might just go for a day or two to my parent's place..that was it.. haha.
Has she expressed an interest? or is her mom encouraging it?
She hasn't
said anything about coming here for the holiday break. Her life and most of her friends are in our area, as this is where she grew up from the age of 12. I don't know if her mom is encouraging anything because we are not in contact with her. This semester has been the first semester in the new city. I'm just hoping that she doesn't spend that much time with us.
Well.....
for most of us here, things didn't get better. Or rather, we've made changes to have a new "better," if that makes sense. 14+ years in StepHell has taught me a lot. I was in a HCBM stepmom group via CafeMom in the beginning. They saved me. And 7 of us have stayed in touch and get together once a year. Now, I have this group, which I dearly love. Wish I found this group years ago.
So, what I've learned. No, it did not get better. It got WORSE. And the worse affected me terribly. And I except responsibility for my part in this mess. You cannot be nice in StepHell. I let this toxic crap get me in a very bad place emotionally. I finally put my foot down at year 12 and began a new "better" for me and DH. It's been a 3 year fight but we are where we need to be mostly. I'm sure we'll have impacts the rest of our lives but I'm learning to handle them better (lots of counseling, group studies, reading blogs here, etc). I do not see DHs kids. It's coming on 4 years of no contact. If we ever have to be around each other in the future, it will be very civil and superficial. And that's saying alot. My focus is on my life with DH, my own two kids and my lovely friends of my life. DH sees them on his terms, I'm going to be 60 soon. I have no time to waste on toxic people.
In my opinion, it only gets
In my opinion, it only gets better if you have a spouse who is willing to set limits on BM and the skids, and won't let them run amok over your boundaries. My situation got better once my SS started refusing to come over because DH didn't allow him to mistreat us, or BM to behave badly. He's had no contact with BM for years now. But if your DH is weak and passive, it doesn't get better even when the skids grow up.
For me, it got better only
For me, it got better only because my DH worked his ass off to keep me in his life.
Is yours willing to do that?
I'm in it for 11 years so far
I'm in it for 11 years so far, SDs behavior is worse than ever, BM is just as high conflict as ever and encourages sd's horrid behavior.
What i have learned is to DISENGAGE DISENGAGE DISENGAGE
Can it get better? Sure. It
Can it get better? Sure. It is possible.
BM can get married and be happy and no longer thrive on drama. Things can move past the hurt of the divorce and both parents make the decision to just do what is best for the kids. Sure, little flare up's here and there, because there are 4 parents involved in 2 houses, so things aren't always going to mesh up. But peaceful for the most part.
However, if BM is anything like BM2 for me, it won't ever end. She has to be in 100% control. Her child is her property. She owns him. She wants to be the single mom of a kid who has to see doctors for all kind of things. She needs to be in the spotlight for being a single mom. Her hate for DH and for DH moving on is a million times greater than her wanting SS to have a secure sense of self and having an active father in his life.
Will it get better for you? Who knows. All I know is that if I could go back a few years, we would have dropped the rope and just moved on with our lives.
Take a long hard look at the
Take a long hard look at the players in your situation OP and you will have your answer. You have an addict and a man who dumps on people. Two children. Brought up feral 50% of the time. Why do you think they will be able to overcome any of this? Where's the motivation too? Your bitching?? That goes in one ear and out the other. Look again at the reply from exjuluemccoy and add that to the picture. Like what you see? Probably not. It takes intelligence, ambition , and wisdom to reach out and get help to change. I see none of that in BM and DH. Do you? Honestly? You know you can't save these kids. Get out now before they all suck the life from you. Then find a therapist to help you learn from this
Yes, it can get better.
Yes, it can get better. Though that is exceptionally unlikely. It is an impossibility if your partner can't pull their head out of their own ass and get their X and spawn under control.