What can I do?
My husband has a daughter, 14 (my SD). She has been a thorn in my side since we got married six years ago. I told him at the time that if he didn't get a handle on her behavior, he would regret it later. Later has arrived.
BM moved an hour away from us when SD was 11. Now she wants SD to live with her. My husband is reluctant, but I think this is a losing battle. He was considering letting her live with BM after school ended in May, but now BM and SD want to make the change Thursday, when the new school term starts.
To make things easier (I'm being sarcastic here), SD is being a b$%^& to her dad. Last night when she came home from BMs she went straight to her room and went to bed (at 6:30 pm). When he went up to talk to her and make her clean her room, which she was supposed to do last week, she told him he can't make her do anything because she's leaving.
The problem is, she's right. He can't make her do anything, but it's not because she's leaving. He has never learned how to parent this child. He refuses to have negative consequences for her actions because he doesn't want to "break her spirit." He has told me that.
When he told me what she said, I said, "Well, first, no cell phone." To illustrate what he could do about the situation. He flipped out. "If I do that, I'll have to hear about it from BM." I told him he didn't have to take her calls and he acted like I was insane. "You mean, just don't answer the phone when she calls? Answer and hang up?" I said, "Either one. You don't have to listen to her rant and rave. Unless you're beating SD, what happens in our house is between you and I." He was dumfounded and mad.
Was I wrong? I have seen other people on here say their skids aren't allowed cell phones at their houses. BM bought phone, but that doesn't mean it has to be used at our house. And does husband have to listen to her yell every time she calls? I say no. I don't answer the phone when she calls.
She called four times last night around 9 pm, while I was getting two BDs to bed. SD wouldn't answer and I had no desire to talk to BM. Finally, I took the phone off the hook so she wouldn't wake BDs. Husband came home not long after. "Is the phone off the hook?" By then I had put it back. I guess when BM couldn't get through she called husband. Complained she wanted to talk to SD and she wouldn't answer her cell phone. Because she was on it!
Please give me some feedback. If I try to help my husband with the situation he gets mad at me.
i have to say one thing
and I dont know if this helps but I have to say that when my BF is doing that, taking ex calls and letting her rant and rave about their BKs. I felt like he might as well still be married to her. She was a much a part of his life and she was when he was married to her. ( of course he did not see that) Now if she calls and he is at my house ( I am lucky in the fact we are not married and still live in seperate homes) he takes it outside or calls her when he goes home.
But I would have done the same thing -take the phone off the hook, your husband sounds too like he is using you to be his "fall guy" since he is not able to control either the ex or BD.
therapy?? for ALL??
Wrong?
No way! That is ridicilous-why would he want to listem to the BM rant and rave at him? He needs to put his foot down. If BM bought her the cell phone, it doesn't matter if if comes into your home then you have control over it. The BM calling four times in a row is just crazy!!!! That is harassment! When the BM of my SD's calls the house it says private (she blocks her number) I don't answer it if I don't know who it is-woops! If she wants us to answer she needs to allow us to see her number so we lnow who it is. She never calls us anymore-we got the SD cell phones and she calls those I guess....and if they screw up the cell phones get taken away, but she still doesn't call our house/
Phonecalls
Hard to say what's fair here.
Now if somebody is screaming at someone, I think it is quite fair to hang up on them. Really, if you, your husband, or the BM is hysterical, nothing will be resolved on the phone.
Furthermore, he does not have to answer the phone anytime she calls.
I do think that stepchildren should be allowed to talk to their BM everyday, and a few times a day, but I am coming to the conclusion that a phonecall can wait until after meals, or some other thing like church, homework, family gatherings and so on.
The 1st time we took an extended trip away from BM, she called FSS just when we reached our destination and the conversation went or for more than an hour. I felt like an a--hole because I took FH aside and told him it was time for that conversation to end. Really, there should have been a discussion about setting fair boundaries ahead of time, but in this instance BM had a lot of anxieties that made such a discussion pretty hard.
I think it probably should be OK for BM to talk to her kids when they go to bed, as long as she isn't keeping them up all night.
Choose your battles well.
What makes it maddening is when a BM is consciously undermining any authority in your household. Seems to me that that is a symptom of BM feeling powerless. If some sort of middle ground is found and understood, she'll call less annoyingly often.
At any rate, you husband should talk to BM about what is fair before more situations come up. If all she can do is scream at him, they should see a counselor. Or perhaps try email.
man oh man
crayon you have hit it right on the head!! It is like a light bulb just went on in my head.I think he likes being in the middle too cuz then he feels like he is doing something to help the kids. eases some of the parenting by guilt syndrome for him. although he usually gets blamed for the whole thing when it is all said and done. but he lets it happen too.
It is a no win situation. all I can do is have it removed from my life...that is why we are still not MARRIED!!
He says she will go
I e-mailed to see how he is doing and he said he is letting her go. He is tired of the fighting. I feel bad for him, I really do, but I don't feel bad for myself or our other two kids. SD treats us like crap, and husband won't stand up and say No! She shoved BD4 off the couch the other day because she tried to sit next to SD. And SD wouldn't even share a blanket with BD when she tried again to sit next to SD. Husband of course doesn't do anything. It's a toxic environment.
My only concern is that she will act the same way with BM and end up back here in six months!
OMG - GIRL you & me are two peas.
Ok so we have alot in common, (mine way more complicated) I tried to make my SD want our homelife and it never worked - My SD always pittied BM - poor, pittiful, life unfair to my mother and somehow, it was my or mine & my husband's fault for BM shortcomings.
I put so much effort, time and money into my SD, for what? Her punching me in the face last night & telling me off in front of my Bkids. I know in my heart, that she has learned from our homelife, but really was it worth it? I don't know. SD is now 18. Sounds like your SD has the same attitude that my did at 14. I hope for you and your sanity that she "Grows out of it" horrible cleche.
My advise, is to protect your Bkids, they don't need learn by association (good or bad). If she wants to go - let her, make sure to set boundaries though. Ex. If you leave, you cannot come back for 1yr or whatever, because they do play parent/parent.
Make sure that she understands, that if BM tells her she can't have phone calls after 9:00pm and she doesn't like it, that she can't come running back to daddy's. If she starts this, it will impact your other children. It is not fair for them to have their world turned upside down constantly. Does she live here? Does she live there? I tell you this, cause, when my SD left 1st time, it really hurt my BS. He never came out and said so, but it messed with him and it was very appearant.
My SD always put husand in the middle, do you love me or her. It has always been a contest. Do you think this might be a part of it? Or maybe BM has a BF and she thinks she needs to test him out? There is always a battle for attention/love. I think it is sad that instead of stepchildren accepting love from everyone, that they feel a need to compete.
I hope this makes sense. If you want to know, how NOT to do it - read my post. "Im putting myself out there - Is this normal" My SD left last night, and I am beginning to feel so relieved. (sounds bad-huh) But I do!!
Stepwitch
Thank you Disney for portraying a positive image on all stepmothers!!!!