Was I wrong
I have been married to my husband for a short time. We have dated since he was separated from his exwife, not before she cheated on him. She has never liked me, and I am a very neutral person, I don't have a problem with her personally I don't like the way that she treats my husband but I use my own experiences to form my own opinions of her. Anyway... I volunteer with my daughters school always have, well now that she is in middle school there is less of a need, his kids are in elementary and there is a huge need there. She is the "room mom" for their daughter, doesn't help much with son's class room. I asked if my husband if it would be ok that I help out at the school when I found out that they needed people. He said to be safe ask her. I sent an email because I have issues talking to her before. She didn't respond to the first email, so I sent it again. She responded back saying I thought you would have gotten the clue by me not responding. BUT she ended up saying that I could go to the school and volunteer just not in the kids' classroom. I decided fine, and now I help out in the library and copy for a 4th grade teacher and such.
Am I wrong to want to do that for the kids or should I not be volunteering at their school?
JMO
You are there step mom so why should you not be able to help out in class. I can understand your husbands comment "to be safe" ask her but then again those kids are his too. So it should have been yes on his part. Its really none of her concern if you help out in his class or at the school. I would love it personally if my ex's GF lived around here and went to school things to help my kids out.. Seriously.
The BM sounds like she is scared of you having a relationship with the children. Its not like her kids are going to forget she is mom and like you more. There is enough room in there hearts for a lot of people..
She is just insecure.
I would volunteer as much as possible and let her know that you are a permanent fixture in there life..
Personal opinion
Just a personal opinion but "ask her" from my hubby as a response definately would of upset me in itself. Really can you not volunteer at another school. Why want to look at her every day. Why want to be associated with her. I know it would be nice for the children but me personally I just could not do it. She already has friends there and we all know how ugly this world can be. I think it is just too close for comfort really. But I know you have your own reasons behind what you feel.
Are you kidding me?
LOL...
By ALL MEANS, volunteer. I certainly don't let BM dictate where, when and who I volunteer for when it comes to the kids. I didn't give one ounce what she thought about me volunteering and spending time with MY step son. I don't question her why she's NOT there, so why let her question my why I AM there. Know what I mean. I think it's awesome that you are involved in the school activities, and whether the kids show it or not, they LOVE it too. It shows that you care about them, that you actually care, and do things for them. Actions speak louder than words.
IMO, I won't have even bothered to 'ask' BM for 'permission'... sorry, but she doesn't dictate my life. That's just me. I would have just made arrangements with the school, and in passing with her, smile, smile, smile and moved on. I don't make an effort to be chit chatty with her, but I certainly am not rude, or impolite, far from it. }:)
That is so funny
She has said that I don't seem friendly, as I don't say, "hi" when I see her at t-ball games. It is because, I don't have anything else to say, because my mom said, if you can't say anything nice, don't say anything at all. but smile smile smile ... I like
Oh, in that case...
I'd say HI, HOW ARE YOU DOING? Really nice and obnoxiously loud... smile, smile, smile... but keep on moving, don't wait for an answer sort of thing, but just keep on moving like you're late for an appointment... LOL. Kinda like one of those commercials I saw for McDonald's once... had me cracking up. The two guys that worked together... they run into each other at McDonald's and they each say out loud what you really are thinking but smiling, smiling, smiling all the way... I just thought that was sooooo me with her. LOL.
Just to clarify
He said, "That would be a good idea but to be safe ask her, maybe it would help her see that you are not evil."
I am not looking to be friends with anyone there. I am a very private person and don't accept people into my life very easily. So making friends there wasn't what I was looking for.
I wanted to volunteer there because they had a need and I knew with my work schedule I could fill it and it would directly help the kids that I live with 50% of the time.
Thanks for the input so far, I find it interesting hearing other opinions!!!
I'd back off and think about
I'd back off and think about how you'd feel if you were her. Is there anything else you can do with the kids outside of the school? If she wasn't already volunteering I don't think there'd be a problem, but you going there is going to make her feel bad and the kids will sense the tension, including the staff and teachers. Your intentions are good but it's not worth the friction. She handled your question badly but I can, not knowing any h istory, understand how she feels. We're territorial, and you being there will just remind her of her divorce(no matter who's fault it was) and remind her friends there of it. It just seems wrong to do that and could cause a lot of unnecessary problems.