Visitation
Forums:
I'm going crazy trying to make three (BF, SS12 & SD11) new people fit into my life. UGH!! Anyway, BF has his kids 13 to 14 days each month (and of course, I believe, pays why to much in CS & "extras/crap") When we discuss the kids being around and their needs when they're with us, he constantly tells me, "They're not really here that much." As I said in other posts, I have one BS15 & I've never shared visitation or cared much about CS, so I don't know much about this area. But, doesn't 13 to 14 days per month seem like about as much time as they're with BM? Why does he dismiss it as if we never see them?
Is that guilt?
Is that guilt because what once was everyday is now only 13 to 14 in his mind?
"I've never been a millionaire but I just know I'd be darling at it." Dorothy Parker US author, humorist, poet, & wit (1893 - 1967)
How long?
How long since he and the ex separated?
♥ ANNE 8102 ♥
that's nearly fifty fifty, but is this scheduled or are they
being relaxed about it.
It just depends on so many variables. When I met DH I had fifty/fifty everything. EO week shared. So two weeks a month for exH and two weeks a month for me.
DH on the other hand, had fifty fifty as well, but every Tue F, Sat, and Sun and BM had M, W, Th. Then, DH got a job where he had to travel and BM agreed to a switch (I was gently suggesting this to DH all along for less back and forth/transition) that he get SD Th, F, Sat, and Sun and BM have her M, T, W.
This was still way too much transition given the totally different atomspheres, plus SD really wanted some non work/school time with BM on a weekend or so.
That was actually how the custody case started, as a way to try and get SD what she wanted. BM wouldn't agree to anything.
During the 50/50 time, BM got 500 bucks a month from DH. About half of that was for school tuition (not a good idea to put daycare/school things in CS because when those needs change you are still stuck paying for them.) BM was also to pay for school lunches, supplies, field trips, none of which she did consistently. Especially once I showed up (once she even demanded SD have me pack a lunch for a field trip that BM was going to. Like she couldn't bring her OWN and SD's lunch since she was going anyway? Weird.
Once custody switched, we don't pay, and now get 365 a month, for full legal and physical custody. We also pay her insurance premium (BM is supposed to pay 30 percent out of pocket medical/dental but she never has contributed anything.)
BM is supposed to have SD EOWeekend, and one over night, along with one week each month of summer.
BM has not been taking SD for most of the weekends for a few months, and since SD has been in CA/TX/IN for 5 weeks, we have offered make up time, but BM has not taken us up on any of it.
Not sure if any of that helps, but it does sound like your DH has his child close to 50 percent. That doesn't always mean the agreement says it's that way though. So the BM maybe having and eating lots o' cake!
"Om Tare Tutare Ture Mama Ayurpunye Jnana Putin Kuru Svaha"
~Sita Tara Mantra
Divorce occured April last year
The year prior to that, ex had asked him to leave but after a few months he moved back in with the hope of working things out. They were divorced a little over a year ago, and she asked him to leave the second time(kicked him out) in Feburary of 2007. He lived out of his van until May, and then stayed with a friend for awhile until he was able to get an apartment in July. He was giving, and ex was taking, all of his money to pay for the house and her legal fees. Before the apartment he really wasn't able to see his kids because he had nowhere to take them. I know he hated that time and felt completely useless. I'll never understand how a woman can leave a man with nothing, and then make him feel like shit because he can't do an overnight with their kids.
Anyway, they started out with a visitation schedule of Tue, Thurs and Sat and this summer switched to Tue, Thurs, and EOW. I know the current setup is not court ordered and I don't know if the original setup was. I have asked to see his settlement agreement..he can't find it. I told him I could get a copy for him, but he didn't seem to jump right on that so I've been holding off. (He has those issues with the house that need to be worked out, and I'm very curious if the court gave her a time frame to refi or sell.) I think he's embaressed now that he wasn't more concerned at the time.
I would love less back and forth transition during the week, but really feel it's not my place to say. It just seems silly to move the kids around during the week (especially during the school year). I know it happens, but I just can't get it to make sense to me. I think part of the reason she set it up this way in the beginning is because she had a boyfiend (who she married in December) and it worked for them. Think it still works for them. He's worried if he doesn't have them during the week she'll ask for more money.
I guess, if the schedule is going to stay this way, I just want him to see that they're with us half the time and they need a place to live not just a place to crash. Took me several months to get him to understand they are not sleeping on my couch for the next 7 years. For my sanity if nothing else.
"I've never been a millionaire but I just know I'd be darling at it." Dorothy Parker US author, humorist, poet, & wit (1893 - 1967)
You are so right and he is sooooooo lucky!
My sons had a room until we had Anna. Then the plan was to refinish a finished (poorly) room in the basement for them. I don't like them being down there at all. There is an exit through the garage in case of fire, but I hate being on separate floors. We need a security system so in a few years they won't sneak out, AND so that no one can break in and get to them.
FOR a FULL two years they have slept on a futon in what is supposed to be the dinning room. Their BF was doing the remodeling and he is a SLOW worker, even for his own children. FINALLY it is done and they have a room once more.
Still don't like it's in the basement (there are problems with the air conditioning freezing them out down there as well that still need addressed.
You are so smart in telling him that his kids need a place of their own in your home. My sons acted out quite a bit in those couple of years, and at times didn't seem to want to come here.
Who could blame them as they were "guests" not residents.
I also agree on less transition. And just to let you know, it was my sons' SM who pushed us to change our original MT with me, W TH with ex, and every other weekend. I really liked that schedule as a single mom, but it wore on the kids. We finally settled on week on week off, and alternating Monday nights so they wouldn't go a full week without seeing a parent. The boys love that schedule, me not so much. But it works for them and that's more important.
My exH also moved just five minutes down the road from us. This has been very good. Now we are even more relaxed. For instance, their SM's been out of town, so they wanted extra time with just dad (a rarity) I said no problem.
Keep gently advocating. Your SK's may never appreciate or know it was you, but you are on the right track on their behalf.
And as far as his agreement. You have a right to see it. It directly affects your future financially, and emotionally.
"Om Tare Tutare Ture Mama Ayurpunye Jnana Putin Kuru Svaha"
~Sita Tara Mantra
Thank You Much
That's funny, my BF and I have decided to do the same thing with my basement for my BS & SS and have already told them there will an alarm somewhere. Not really sure what we're going to do in regards to that, but we both agree they have to believe loud sirens will go off the minute they open the door. LOL Our stuggle with that sounds very similar. My basement right now is in serious need of a dehumidifier and overhaul. Musty and just gross!! Former owners did a questionable job with the electric, which really worries me. Lots of work to be done, and it doesn't seem like lots of modivation to get it done. I try to be patient, but admittingly I'm not strong in the area of patience sometimes. I always worry that if we get to use to things working without it done, it'll never get done.
Yeah, so, I'm also admittingly not very good at staying out of all things BM and Skids related when it comes to my environment. Thank you for your support and encourgement to get involved. Sometimes you don't realize there's a different or better solution until someone presents it. I'll keep everything you said in mind.
As far as the agreement BF and BM signed, I know the only way I can help is to see what's on paper. I'll get my hands on that next.
"I've never been a millionaire but I just know I'd be darling at it." Dorothy Parker US author, humorist, poet, & wit (1893 - 1967)
Hear ya
Fortunately/Unfortunately, I already know he "bent over" for her. Gave up everything. Even with their house situation (I talked about in another blog I think) if she is forced to sell, he will not get a dime. I'm not sure about the CS amount he's paying and if that's fair or not, but I have to constantly remind him when he opens up his wallet for skids that he just handed BM a pretty sizable check. She's also had the nerve to request that BF not give the check to skids, as BM doesn't want them to know that BM needs money from their own father. CRAP! BF wanted them to be able to stay in their house (which 8 months later was inhabited by another man) and basically keep them happy. Don't think he fully intended on keeping ALL of them happy, but it's working out swimmingly for them. He did everything wrong in my opinion, but I'm not nor will I ever be in BF's shoes. I have to keep reminding myself of that. My BF is also almost always worried that BM will withhold the kids. Maybe I'm missing something, but we are talking about a couple of very headstrong 12 & 11 year old kids. I really don't think BM could or would do that. BM is very concerned right now about how she appears to skids. I'm willing to see what's there, accept what can't be changed, and maybe work on making a few things right. BF even made mention last night the he talked to an attorney that he sees during his job about payment plans. That's progress!
"I've never been a millionaire but I just know I'd be darling at it." Dorothy Parker US author, humorist, poet, & wit (1893 - 1967)
You are sooo right Crayon
It's funny when I watch them interact. He loves them very much I know and they're very close, but sometimes he just doesn't know WTH to do with them. Life becomes very different when your the only BP in the room and there isn't someone else sharing that responsibility with you. And in our case, no space of skids own = nowhere to send skids.
"I've never been a millionaire but I just know I'd be darling at it." Dorothy Parker US author, humorist, poet, & wit (1893 - 1967)