Hi, Madisonjuice!

First, welcome! It seems like the situation you see with your partner and her kids is something a lot of us deal with in our lives -- straight relationship or not. I think you're probably right on that your partner has done some overcompensating for what she is afraid is "missing" in her kids' lives. Guilt is a very powerful emotion, and lots of bio parents whose kids have had to witness a divorce or similar breakup of a "traditional" nuclear family have very strong, deep-seated guilt about this. Therefore, they are much more lenient than they would probably otherwise be. And kids being kids, they take whatever they can get away with -- which in your situation, sounds like a lot. They are probably very aware that they can manipulate mom very easily, and she'll cave to whatever they demand.

It is also possible (likely?) that if your partner just came out of the closet after passing for many years, she's likely feeling some residual guilt about "putting her kids" through that as well. Even if the kids have adapted very well and get along with you, she still may feel as though she needs to somehow "reward them" for not flipping. After all, most people who are preparing to come out of the closet experience fear that their loved ones will reject them. Your partner may be so grateful this didn't happen that she's overcompensated with relief and gratitude, and hence has become a doormat.

The partner of a bioparent can find this situation extremely frustrating. I know you say you aren't a "stepmom", and while that's technically true, the fact that you live there and are their mom's partner does put you in a situation similar to a stepparent. I think you'll find, if you stick around on this site, that a lot of people on here have gone or are going through the same things you are. Hopefully, it will help you to read and get advice from others.

My suggestion is to not internalize it. Good relationships are all about communication, after all -- and the "best thing that ever happened to you" won't be for long if you don't nurture that part of it. I suggest sitting down with your partner at some quiet time, and bring this all up in a non-threatening way. Perhaps ask her to share any feelings, fears, dreams, etc. about the kids, their future, etc. Does she have any concerns about them? Then perhaps very gently ask her whether she feels any guilt about your relationship. If she does, does she think that that affects how she treats them? Just ask questions, ask for clarification, and remember: you aren't doing this to score points, only to get a better sense of where she is and how she feels. Leave your feelings out of this first discussion.

Then plan time for a second conversation, during which time you can talk about your fears, concerns, dreams, etc. for your relationship with your partner, and also your hopes and fears for your future relationship with her kids. Eventually, hopefully the subject of discipline, their presence in your house as adults, etc. will come up, and you can start discussing this together.

I'm not going to lie: This is going to potentially be a lot harder because: 1) she is a lot older than you; 2) you moved into HER house, and therefore her life; and 3) you don't have kids of your own. All of these things risk creating a power dynamic where HER life is the center, and you're just kind of a moon orbiting around it. The thing is, for a relationship to work, the two partners have to both be 50% of the decision-making power in the home. That's not the same thing as saying that you get 50% of the decision making power over her kids -- but insofar as those kids live with you, you need to have 50% of the say in how they do so. You deserve, just as much as your partner, to be happy and comfortable in your home. (That's why it will be a little tougher since you moved into her place -- she, and you, and the kids might all be unconsciously thinking of it as less yours than theirs.) If she resists this idea that you are 1/2 the relationship -- if she takes that as you asking her to "choose" you over her kids, then you need to tell her:
1) that love for a partner and love for a kid are two different things;
2) you two will be living together long after they have moved out. They will be moving on and creating lives for themselves where their mother is only a peripheral figure. The best way to help them do that in a healthy way is to model a good, solid, respectful adult relationship.

Finally, Google "guilt parenting and divorce" (or just "guilt parenting") and you'll find some good articles on this that you can read and share with your partner. Just because she and her ex weren't married doesn't mean that she doesn't fit that mold. And finally, I suggest that you get for yourself the book Stepmonster, by Wednesday Martin. It is by far the best book I have read on our situation -- it will explain a lot about the feelings of frustration that come with being involved with someone who has kids from a previous relationship -- and a lot about why our partners do what they do.

Good luck, and keep us posted!

UCSM

"No matter how cynical I get, it's never enough." - Lily Tomlin

You may be just assuming she spoiled them to compensate for lack of a father.
She could be spoiling them for other reasons.

People like her often will try to keep their kids at home for as long as possible and provide everything for them. You should be aware of this and realize you could end upo with not only a new lover but also her kids... forever.

Simple, she is feeling guilty so she over-compensates. She feels guilty for coming out as a lesbian and is still obviously very uncomfortable with herself, at least with the fact that the rest of the world sees her differently now. Especially her kids. Of course her kids are still going to love and accept her. She is all they have if no father is present in their lives. Who would bite the only hand that feeds them?

My husband's ex-wife is an in the closet, extreme right wing Christian lesbian. I know, strange. She had a 3 year affair with a woman when she and my DH were married. She teaches her kids that being gay is a sin and that gay people are bad. It's so sad. She hates gay people because she hates herself and wants so badly to be straight. All she has is the kids, so she has turned them against their father and me and has become completely obsessed with them. Her whole life revolves around them, so who can compete with that? Plus, her kids have no idea she is a lesbian. They see her as the perfect mommy, even though she is completely evil to me and DH.

So...I don't know. I think maybe your partner is guilt-parenting. A lot of parents do it. Maybe you two should seek counseling. Might help.

Good luck!

Love

I would say that if older children are living at home that you need to set up a living agreement with them. Lay down some ground rules and stick with them.

When parents lay out these rules with kids after the age of 18, they should expect the kid to be resentful, resistant and to blame them. The older child will try to make them feel like the parents are jerks because he still has a lot of thinking errors, is hiding from responsibility and postponing the anxiety of accepting it. Parents should simply disregard the child’s thinking errors, and not give in and tell the child that everything is okay.

Likewise, parents shouldn’t get into making a lot of excuses for themselves. They should say, “This is our expectation. We’re sorry we didn’t do it before now, but we’re here today and this is what we’re going to have to do. And we can’t go any further until this agreement gets made.” The expectations should include what time the kid gets up in the morning if he’s not working. Older kids who are avoiding responsibility will stay up all night and sleep until noon. When you ask them why they sleep until noon, they’ll say, “Well, I’m not working.” As the parent, you have to make it clear: “That’s why you’re not working. Because you sleep until noon. Get up at seven o’clock like everybody else and find a job.” It’s never too late to be this direct with your child.