Literally seconds away from breaking free and saying sayonara to my miserable life with husband and SD13. Then going off on my childless way of pursuing the things I actually want out of life without the grief! In the midst of my complete breakdown of believing my relationship with husband of 2 years and together for 6 to be so far from repair, according to me, I've come up with some strategies of helping me cope with the fact that I have the most thankless and difficult job in the world; that of a step-parent of a completely screwed up teenaged SD. I've raised her for half of her life as BM has nothing to do with her, other than periodic phone calls when it's convenient for her to answer.

1) I take things with SD13 personally because of the sacrifices, time, energy, love & care I've given her over the years. I've thought of her like nothing but a true daughter and I feel that her actions/behaviors reflect on my parenting choices & decisions as you've given me responsibility as a mother to her
2) Considering I've raised SD as my own child, I assumed she has thought of me for just about half of her life to be her mother
a) I should have never made that assumption as the obvious reality is that she does not and that is very hurtful
b) It's hurtful knowing that what I've done for her would never amount to her wanting a life with BM and half-sister (whom she has little/no contact with and has never lived with, hasn't even seen in over 2 years)
c) It's hurtful knowing she's not a happy kid and I have unfortunately have not been able to help her and have if anything contributed because she has rejected me
3) I need to realize I am not and cannot be SD's mom
4) I will let my husband, her father, assume all of the parental responsibilities because I am once again disengaging (for the 5th time)
5) I need to let go and realize that I'm only a caring adult, not a true parent...and there's nothing wrong with that, maybe I'll see some happiness from the lessened responsibilities
6) I should have never assumed the role I have for so many years, I should have been just that; a step-parent. And since I have assumed this role I have caused myself and I believe everyone else in my house misery for years because of the constant battles
7) It really sucks that no one else in my life has any idea how to help me or give me advice...my husband has NO CLUE the hell I'm going through & cannot sympathize with me. SD is a witch to me and doesn't get that she can't have her cake and eat it too!!!!

Now my husband is a whole other post but I'll just stick to the skid issues, which are a huge struggle for me as a "parent" or want-to-be parent and a wife. My husband doesn't get it, he never will...I'm tired and I'm hanging on to this situation by a thread. Ugh, sorry! It needed to be said to people that may actually get the reality of how difficult it is to do this and live this way. I set a deadline (that seems like an infinity time away) of the fall of this year for things to get better, like 100% better or I'm walking fast and far away!