Update on when is enough, enough?
First, thank you all for your responses and advice to my post. I talked with my DH last night, seems he's pretty firm on his "stick is head in the sand" approach with BM. He really believes that if doesn't respond to text messages from her that are irrelevant then he won't "feed the crazy". Okay so nothing I can do about that. I'm not going to damage our marriage and demand he tell her off, or stand up for me. I'm my own person (most of the time) and I will stand up for myself DH my not agree with my stand, but he will never not allow me my own self respect. I guess besides the BM never doing anything for my SS at school, such as lunches, projects, work hours, etc..will still fall upon me, I will continue to be the best mother I can to my SS, Not take his BMs issues out on him, I am however going to cut back on being the doormat. If school calls bc SS DOESNT have something he needs on BMs day, I'm going to explain to school that it's the BMs day and they will have to continue to try to contact her, if she doesn't respond they are to contact BMs parents (who are also on school contact list). I'm thinking by doing it this way, BMs parents will see she is a useless piece of crazy batshit, and might wake up from there fairy tale daughter they think they have. Grandparents will not deny my SS ANYTHING, so I know whatever it is he needs that day will be handled WITHOUT me having to do it! Second idea I've come up with is, I think we will hire someone for summers to do our part of exchanges, less contact with BM for me ! Yay! Now my only remaining problem which is a big one and causes the most issues right now and every summer is the BMs pick up days, can we force her to hire someone to pick up my SS ON HER days? I don't want her at my home picking up as if you read my first post you will see all the problems she creates on her picks ups like almost hitting my dog, spinning tires which causes gravel to spit on kids playing In the side yard, running down decorative tress that cost a lot of money, laying on her car horn a half mile away and continuing the horn the entire time she's in our drive waiting for SS get in her car etc..and I don't want to meet in public place as most likely I will be sitting there waiting for God knows how long bc she is never on time nor complys with the set summer pick up time that she picks and makes her own rules. But if we can force her to have a neutral person pick up on her days then PROBLEM SOLVED ! And lastly, I'm buying one of those pre-paid phones, which will be known in our home as the WTCC (white trash crazy cunt) phone. The WTCC phone will be the only way she will be allowed to contact us via text ONLY! Whoever has the kid, meaning myself or DH will have the phone with them. All text messages are to be saved and put in a file in case they are needed for future anything ! So what do ya all think of my plan??? Please let me know!
I am sorry you have that
I am sorry you have that problem in your marriage. I have the same Since my teen is not my kid, I cannot punish her the way I would like to. Her dad takes up for her every mouthing move. Used to be she is only a child, now its she is a teen and they all do that. Seems every fight we have is over her. I hope to stay in contact with you and see how you handle being a step parent so I can learn too. Good luck.
@ suzsezok1960. My problems
@ suzsezok1960.
good luck !
My problems with step parenting aren't with my SS the problems are 100% all BM. My SS is almost 10 and I've helped raise him since we found out that he was my DH child. So for the last 9 yrs, I've treated him as he was my own, we did have behavior issue for awhile but, with a firm but patient child rearing view, we handled it. My SS LISTENS to me very well, does what I aske and when, is polite, and acts like any other normal almost 10 yr old. If he does something wrong that warrants discipline do that as well if my DH isn't home to do it. My DH would never tolerate any of the kids mouthing off to me his, mine our ours. Respect is to be given no matter what. I do a lot and I mean a lot for our kids, I'm a SAHM so most of the things that are kid related fall to me, and my DH makes sure to remind all of them what I do for them.All the children in my home are treated equally, same rules, same expectations. We don't normally use the word "step" with the kids. We view it as this is our family and our children. Now the crazy BM on the other hand makes most everything difficult, and my DH refuses to put her in her place. He just thinks if you ignore her she will not the crazy, but that hasn't helped in 10 yrs ! My DH is not a passive person, in fact he's strong willed, but he never wants to rock the boat with her bc he worries what will happen with SS and he's tired of court. Now my advice to you, I can't help you with BM problems bc obviously in 10 yrs I haven't figured it out. But if your skids mouth off to you, don't tolerate that, put your foot down. STEP parent or not, you are still the elder, the one in charge and a person. They must respect you. ! They don't have to like you, but they should show you respect
Can you do drop off at
Can you do drop off at Grandparents house ???
Eliminate your crazy dealing ~ good idea
@ easy like Sunday morning,
@ easy like Sunday morning,
I guess I could drop off at Grandparents house, but in order to do that I would have to load my other 2 children up, and drive the 25 miles out of my way. And that would only be good if they are able as they do both still work. Not a bad idea to look I to tho. Thank you.
@beaccountable, Yes if my DH
@beaccountable,
Yes if my DH is out of town and it's our days with SS he is with me. I'm not really taking on his role as a Dad, I don't think anyway. This will sound odd to most, especially it being 2014 and all but.. I guess you could say we live in an old fashioned type way. I'm a SAHM, my husband works a high power, high stress career. So my role is the housewife/ mother. I do most things for all the children, my daughter, our son, and my SS. I take care of school, events, actives, and I take care of running our home. I know 1950s style, and it kinda is in some ways. But it works for us. I enjoy most of my life, I love being there for our kids, and throwing the dinner parties. And to be completely honest, my husband earns a very very good living, so having the financial benefits we do is nice too. If my DH had to worry about everything at home, he would not be able to do his job with the success he has,. Now don't get me wrong, he's not an absent hubby or Dad, he spends time with the kids in the evenings when he's home, and every weekend, we make a point of having family fun dates. He stays involved with the kids grades and school through me. We send all 3 kids to the same private school including SS,we are primary for school as it is our address listed, and we pay 100% of tuition. So teachers come to me when they don't get a response from BM. they all do extra actives that are costly like barrel horse raising, 4H, go cart racing, our children wouldn't be able to do these things if my DH wasn't able to continue to work the way he does. And they sure as heck wouldn't have the home we live in and all the other things they have, I feel like if I don't continue doing what I do for the other children and stop doing those things for SS, SS wouldn't have the quality of life he has. I guess I could stop altogether but that would exclude SS from participating in our family. And he is our family. This is why I'm so frustrated. I'm a kind natured person, and I don't ever want my SS to feel like he's not a full part of our family. My SS IS almost 10 and I have been his 2nd Mom for 9 of those yrs, my problem is I'm a full time Mom, and his bio mom is hardly one at all. I pick up her slack as well. And she really is just plain evil crazy. During the school yr, contact is minimal as we pick up right from school so don't have to deal with her unless school is cancelled or it's a holiday., but summers when there no school for pick up that leaves us (me usually) dealing with BM, she insisted on a 1pm pick up time on her days, this summer. Well at 1 pm in the afternoon my DH is at work, so that leaves me dealing with her. Thank you for your advice, and I think I may use a few of your suggestions.
I like it! I *especially*
I like it! I *especially* like telling the school to contact BM's parents on her days. }:) You might want to create a calendar for the teacher, so they have an easy reference on who's day it is.
Pickups... no, I don't think you can force her to use a 3rd party. Sadly. What about having her do pickups at school instead? What are the exchange days?
@ allySkoo, Thank you
@ allySkoo,
Thank you !!!!
During the school yr, we do pick ups at school on our days and BM picks up at school on hers. That's still not real fun either as we send all 3 kids to the same private school, so I'm at the school every day picking up our other 2 kids, when she's there picking up SS on her days (no busses)
So I still get graced with her presence during the school yr even when it's not our days:( during the summer when school is out, now that's when the real fun begins, and this summer is what has lead me here to this site, summers are awful..bc she has to pick up from our home, and I have to pick up from hers or wherever she has left my SS at. The courts ordered that the parent who's time is starting picks up on that day, so no drop offs just pickups. We have SS Every Wednesday, Thursday and Friday. Every other Tuesday, Saturday and Sunday. So basically if it's not our weekend then we have SS, TUESDAY, WENESDAY, THURSDAY AND FRIDAY until evening. If it is our weekend then we have SS Wenesday, Thursday , Saturday , and Sunday. Yes we have SS 4 days a week. More calendar days and night per yr then BM.
THIS is why I have all these damn issues