Is ungratefulness typical for a 5 year old??
My SD lives with us full-time and we've gotten along fairly well. She's always been pretty crappy about cleaning up after herself and eating food given to her, but all in all, she's an okay kid. We recently had a baby who is 2 and a half months old. She's been jealous but that's expected. I've noticed, however, that she's fairly ungrateful lately for the past 6 months or so. I noticed it even moreso around christmas time.
We got her lots of great toys this year, and as she was opening them, she just rushed through it and even made comments hinting at being upset that the baby got presents too. She said things like "why did the baby get a big present?" and "what's next for me though?!" when we'd open the baby's presents. It got really annoying really fast. Than when we were finished, DH and I went to make breakfast and asked SD to put the wrapping paper on the floor into a bag.
She threw a huge fit and just kept saying "but i don't want to!!!" so finally we asked her to go to her room for a bit if she wasn't going to help. This really, really bothered me because I don't remember ever having a problem cleaning up the mess from christmas because even at a young age, i knew i got lots of new toys so why not help tidy up after?
Fast forward to today, there was still some wrapping paper on the ground because we've been super busy running around the past couple of days so I asked her again to tidy it up and the same fit happened. I told her to go upstairs if she wasn't going to help and tidy up her room because all her new toys were all over the place. She said she didn't want to. She spent an hour in there sitting and playing with me repeatedly going up and asking her to put them into her bins.
Every time I went up she yelled "I don't wanna clean" and "I just want to play" so finally I sat down and explained that santa and her dad and I spent lots of money buying her these toys and I'd like her to put them away because we don't like spending lots of money on toys for them to get broken. She just continued to refuse. I'm really fed up at this point with the bratty behaviour.
Does this seem age appropriate? It hurts that she doesn't seem to care about contributing to the house or even taking care of things days after getting them. I ended up going into her room and bagging up all of her new toys because I just couldn't deal with it anymore but maybe i'm overreacting? I just don't remember ever being so unappreciative.
My SGGD was and is the same
My SGGD was and is the same way. She was 4 when I noticed she was acting totally entitled. She is now 10 and very manipulating. She lies and tells tales that should never be repeated and she knows it; she does it for reaction.
I stay clear of this demon child, because she told a lie about me once. I called her on it, in front of her mother SGD33, as well as her Father, who was present when it all took place. I was very kind and civil, I just requested that SGGD tell the truth. She went into a crying fit, because she knew she was caught in a lie. Then SGD got mad at me, because I upset SGGD and made her cry.
I disengaged at that moment from this child, as well as her mother SGD33.
Your SD sounds like she is spoiled. Maybe bag up some of these toys and give them to a needy child. Have your SD assist in this project. If she throws a fit, tell her you are going to give them to another little girl that didn't get Christmas and she knows how to clean up wrapping paper.
I already put the toys that
I already put the toys that were still in their packaging aside, and the ones she's opened, I put into a garbage bag. The ones still in their packaging are being donated by her while the ones she's opened, I'm going to give her a chance to earn them back. I don't know why she acts so spoiled. She definitely doesn't have a disney dad, he's on the same page as me about all this. She seems her mom a couple times a year and her mom's family spoils her though. I didn't think a couple times a year could make such a bratty kid but apparently it can.
It sounds like you and SO are
It sounds like you and SO are doing a good job. I had a great-niece that pushed all of her Mom's buttons for years. My niece just kept working with her DD and now she is a college educated, productive citizen. In this case, my great-niece was very independent at a very young age, thus she was one step ahead of her Mom with attention getting attempts.
It all worked out. You are doing well with the gifts, as you stated. Hang in there. It is excellent that her Dad is on board with you. You will do ok with Dad's help.
(((hugs)))
Yes but that doesn't mean
Yes but that doesn't mean it's ok.
So you basicly are letting her get away with the behavior with no real consquenses?
If the kids don't do as they are told here it's not go to your room. It's do it or else . Or else is you don't get to watch a movie ronight. You don't get to play a video game. If I tell them to clean up their room and they don't I will. Whatever i get ahold of they lose until they can earn it back.
Basicly you need to lay down the law. It doesnt mean you have to be a monster but if she's not minding there needs to be a real consquenses. It shouldn't take an hour to follow directions.
They get "asked" once, told what will happen of they don't comply second, and 3rd is follow through.
That's the weird thing. She
That's the weird thing. She gets her toys taken away. She actually hasn't had very many toys in her room all year. They all got taken away and she never earned them back because what little toys she had left never got put away. So she already has toys bagged up in the basement and the toys from christmas have joined them, too, now. She doesn't seem to care. I'm at the point where I might as well take absolutely everything from her room. Leave nothing but a bed and dresser... But she literally won't care
Trust me, she doesn't get privledges like movies or video games or anything like that. We're at the point where she has to act positively to get positive things because she's always throwing tantrums about one thing or another.
Every time you have to remind
Every time you have to remind her to do something, take a toy and put it in the "earning bin". We have ours on top of the fridge for DD6. If I tell her to do something (unpack lunch box, hang up jacket, tidy room) and I find her doing something else, I take it. It goes on top of the fridge and she has to complete an extra chore to get it back. The catch is that the chore has to benefit the whole family. She has to vacuum the edges or help unload the dishwasher or fold kitchen towels. That way she learns to be grateful for just keeping up after her own things and sees how much work the adults do to keep the house clean and organized.
Holy cow. This kid is only
Holy cow. This kid is only 5. I know I am a rare one on here but I feel that sometimes SMs expect step kids to act like adults NO MATTER what age they are. Good grief. She is 5. They are normally selfish and bratty. They don't pop out of the womb knowing how to act like an adult.
Where is DH during all of this?
I definitely don't expect her
I definitely don't expect her to act like an adult. That's why I'm asking about whether or not it's age appropriate, so I can adjust my expectations appropriately. As someone who's never had biokids until recently having a baby, and never had younger siblings, I don't know much about what 5 year olds should and shouldn't act like. DH is here during all of this, of course. He agrees the behaviour is quite rude and isn't too happy about it.
I would say the answer to
I would say the answer to your question is, "yes!" Five years old is still a very young child of tender age. It sounds to me like she is feeling displaced by the baby and insecure. I think she needs more love and affection, as well as, understanding and patience. No, that doesn't mean that she gets away with bloody murder, but I think that means you take more time with her. That may not come easy because she's a SD, but if she were your bio and you had some of the same issues, I'm sure you'd be happy to go the extra mile to make her feel secure. My oldest DS was 6 when our youngest DS was born and had insecurity issues. They were both my bios, and I had no problem making my oldest DS feel extra special. We had some of the same issues with my SSs, who were ages 6 and 8 when my oldest DS was born, and I did try to understand we needed to make sure they did not feel displaced. Try a little love and tenderness with her.
We are trying to make her
We are trying to make her feel extra special but she seems to spoil any attempts... We take her out one on one at least once a week to a restaraunt than she acts out at home about eating homemade food. We spend one on one time playing in her room with her than she acts out about tidying up afterwards. We've talked with her multiple times about how we understand she feels displaced and such, but it never seems to help. We're trying to show love and tenderness but it's hard when it doesn't seem to be helping.
What o you require her to do
What o you require her to do to earn back toys? I find it very unnerving (concerning, maybe?) that she has lost toys since the summer and has in no way been able to earn them back. She is either being a holy terror non-stop, or your expectations are too high.
My guess would be your expectations are too high and she has given up. She knows the consequence but not the mechanism for the reward. If the mechanism for he reward is greater than the offense she committed, she may not be able, due to her age, to rationalize that there is anything she can actually do.
If you took away a toy because she wouldn't eat her dinner, then you need to give it back when she does eat her dinner the next night. If you took away a toy because she didn't clean her room, then you need to give one back when she does clean. She needs to see equal consequence and reward to learn how the system works.
I would extend an olive branch at this point and give her some small chore that she enjoys and give her a toy back when she does it. If it's helping you cook or feeding the baby, let that be the good thing she has done. Then make a bit of a production out of it. "SD, I'm so glad you helped me with our house/your brother. You have earned back your Barbie Corvette."
Just keep giving her things back for doing what she is supposed to. As time goes on, you can start tightening down on consequences and rewards again.
Also, look into other punishment methods and stop giving her her lead times. An hour is too long. After 5 minutes, give one reminder. After that, punish. Waiting much longer than 15 minutes totally loses the point with the kid.
Best of luck.
We require her to tidy her
We require her to tidy her room up after playing without arguing or throwing a fit to earn back toys. She always has the opportunity to earn them back. We leave some in her room and take some, than she cleans and gets a couple back with the promise of the rest back if she keeps up with tidying her room. So her room is, at this point, clean and she's got some toys back, but some are still in the basement. Next time she plays, I remind her to put her toys in her bin when she's finished. She throws a fit and refuses. The process repeats with more toys taken... Her room is only ever tidy for maybe an hour and that's after a whole lot of hassle.
I think it should be as simple as you play with toys, you put them back in the bin after. She's got a HUGE tub I bought her that fits all her toys. She literally just has to pick them up and toss them in. She just likes to be defiant. It's not a hard task, and when we tell her she can't do XYZ (for example, going to the park) unless she tidies up, she tidies them up in 5 minutes. It's just if there's no reward... and I can't always reward 5 minutes of putting toys away because that's not how life works. You don't get rewarded for not being a slob.
I think the big thing here is
I think the big thing here is that a new baby has entered into the equation and a normal 5 year old acts up out of jealousy. Five years apart is enough to have made her an only child for all of her life. The center of attention both from OP's family and the BM's family. Boom, along comes this cute little baby and the attention is all on the baby. Sibling rivalry. That's not to say she can be allowed get away with the tantrums etc. But it surely doesn't mean disaster as long as boundaries are established now and its nipped in the bud. As for being spoiled, I hate to say it but ALL kids are spoiled these days, way too much stuff. Giving some to needy children and her taking the items herself is an excellent idea. Setting consequences and being consistent with following through should prevent this. It will be stormy for some time and keep an eye on how she is towards your baby, little girls can be mean when they are jealous!