This is an easy one for me...deep intellectual level would hurt me far greater than a superficial sexual level. Of course, I would be devastated by either, but I think I could recover from the superficial affair...don't know that it would be possible to recover from a meeting of minds so to speak. I think that causes more permanent damage.

I would be hurt either way but the emoitional would be harder I think knowing that my SO had connected with someone else in that way would really hurt

Live for today,you may not have a tommorow

Just even hearing it gives me the willies.
I'd say they're both deeply hurtful -- and I would leave a marriage for either -- but the emotional tie is worse.
In my first marriage, my husband and our "friend" had an emotional affair. It's not clear it turned physical (I'm 99 percent sure it did) but boy did it hurt when I found all of the notes they'd written each other, in which my ex laid out all of the problems in our marriage to an outsider without letting me in on the secret.
She was a close friend of ours -- I had known her for nearly 10 years and we got together most weekends (now I know why).
And, while I suspected something was weird, it didn't hit me until she prompted her then 7-year-old daughter to say "hi" to my husband one night while we were over and the girl gave me strangest look (kinda' like a warning?) before she greeted my husband. I can't really explain it, but I knew then something was up.
That's when I went looking through his e-mail.
I left the next day, and it was the best decision I've ever made.
Now I've got my DH and two lovely skids!

the emotional affair would be far more devastating. I don't know what I would do if my husband did either, after all we've gone through and I've endured....I'd probably be like Lorena Bobbit. Chop it right off.

Or maybe I'd call Cruella and her frying pan!

both hurt very much. My ex cheated on me at least 2 times that I know of and I don't think either of his affairs were the least bit emotional just physical.

The whole issue I think is gender specific. What I mean to say is, I think it's more common for men to be involved outside the marriage/relationship for the physical aspects because it's forbidden and it's more exciting that way. For the women, I don't really think it's about the physical at all. Women are the more emotional creatures anyway. Men just don't get a lot of the emotional stuff to begin with. This is not meant to be critical, it's just DNA make up.

In my case, the two times he cheated, I was pregnant with our third and fourth kids. In the back of my mind, I knew what was going on, but I wasn't ready to face it yet or confront him about it. I didn't feel strong enough yet to confront him and then leave him for good. Only after he began to verbally and emotionally abuse me did I finally say, ENOUGH, and started divorce proceedings. To this day, I don't think he knows that I figured out what he did to me and by extention, the kids. It sounds silly, but I just never thought that bringing it up and using it against him would change his behavior other than embarrass the crap out of him. I'm not saying that what he did was acceptable, and that it didn't hurt, but I guess I didn't want to give my power away by harping on it. I couldn't change what happened, so I just decided to cut my losses with him and move on. What happened between me and him was our crap, not the kids' crap. They were just innocent bystanders and unfortunately they are affected because we did get divorced. I would never wish that on any child, but I would never stay in a marriage that was fraught with lies! I still believe in marriage. But if it's not working I don't believe that means you have to be with the wrong person or be miserable for the rest of your life. I don't believe the intention of marriage is to make you unhappy. I prefer the honesty of divorce to a marriage held together at any cost.

It's all in the past and although now he's a really good divorced father to our kids, I would still rather be homeless and starving than reconcile with him, ever. There were too many issues other than that major devastating one and we just were not meant to be together for the long haul.

I have moved on and am far beyond it now, (with lots of talk and drug therapy to boot)but I will say when you're in the middle of it trying to figure out what to do, it feels awful. I can think of many other expletives, but it doesn't matter now. It feels like a lifetime ago.

Boy, I sure tore off on a whine! Anyway, that's just my two cents.

That I would not tolerate either in a relationship. Having a friend of the opposite sex is one thing. Going beyond the friendship to an "emotional affair" is wrong. That being said, I have female friends and I would not get rid of them just because a SO asked me too. I would try and not do anything that would hurt my SO though.

Kevin

I agree with most. It's really the emotional that kills the most. When it's physical, it's just instinct and nature. But when it's emotional, it's personal. Not that sex isn't personal, but having feelings for someone is what can draw them away from you. Physical can be changed if you start to get it a little more heated in the bedroom.. but you can't fight that emotional connection. It's just there.

I think that if someone connects that intimatly at the emotional level that the physical is soon to follow. It just depends at which stage they are caught.