Too Much Time with MIL?
I am new to blogging but I am not sure where else to go! Here it goes!
I have been with my fiancé through everything. He has a 2 and a half year old daughter that weve managed to get 50/50 custody of. He is an amazing father and worked hard to get it back after a long nasty battle. Things have settled down with mom and all is well with us.
However his mom is another story... My mother in law is VERY sweet and I love her very much, but she seems to have an obsession with the kiddo...to the point that we almost moved 30 minutes away (but would have worked in the same town and still would have let her watch the kiddo while we worked) and she cried and had a mental breakdown saying.we may as well have moved across the country and found an apartment for us to move into in town that was WAY out of our budget. But to keep her happy we took the apartment.
Now that we are close she expects to see the kiddo at least 2 times a week. I work mornings and my fiancé works evenings and she watches the kiddo for a few hours in between him going in and me going home. Getting her to bring her back to me is like pulling teeth, she either asks for more time or says she is on her way and doesnt show up for another 45 minutes (when she lives 10 minutes away).
Today I broke the news that I am going on leave before our son is born and MIL told me I had to set up a schedule for our 2 year old to come see her a couple times a week so she stayed in the swing of seeing her.
Heres my problem, I appriciate the help immensely, but I want to bond with my stepdaughter as much as I can before her baby brother arrives and I feel that we not only have to deal with 50/50 with her mom...but now we have to fight for custody with my mother in law as well. She seems to forget we don't even get to see her all week every week and this brother is going to be a big change and I want my stepdaughter to be prepared and not think I will abandon her when he arrives. And I need to spend more time with her. Am I wrong for being frustrated with her for wanting to see her all the time? How should we tell her we want to spend family time together ? (By the way my fiancé feels the same way I do, but we haven't felt right telling her she is being intrusive. We have no one to talk to who understands)
I had the same problem!
When my DH told his mother no, My MIL actually texted somebody and copied my husband by mistake( yay unintuitive tech!) " ugh! His father wants his parenting time! "( The tone was more like she was the mother and my husband a nobody....)
Our minds were blown! We knew she was mildly obsessed but not to this extent. We had supervised visits in our home( 40 min away) once per week from then on.
Not saying your MIL is like this at all.
My suggestion is that you should wean her off slowly. Maybe for the first month you both can spend time with Sd together twice per week. Then once per week the second month. Maybe ask MIL over to your house to spend time with SD( that's what we ended up doing) while you cook. Ask MIL to share some kidfriendly recipes so that you all can cook together.
Have you tried telling her
Have you tried telling her directly? We are always very direct with MIL when she wants kids. We say no if we need to. “No we have plans“ Usually, though, we love it when she takes skids.
I think the last paragraph of
I think the last paragraph of your post is exactly what you need to tell her. It's very understandable and reasonable. You're not being greedy -- you're trying to do something good for her grandchild. When you're on leave, invite grandmother to do things with you and your skid so they still have time together, but you're the one making the plans, calling the shots.
If you really can't bear to tell her this (and I don't blame you if you can't) I agree weaning her off is a good idea. Keep SD with you and invite the grandmother to do things at your house with skid. Or...maybe not. You don't want her parking at your house two or three times a week to see her granddaughter three years later. Invite the grandmother to do things outside the house with you and SD: shopping, the park, the zoo. Some weeks you can avoid it saying SD has a doctor's appointment or play date or something.
Obviously, she's already expecting the situation to change, so now's the time to change it. Getting out of this pattern down the road will be harder, so best do it now.
Getting her to bring her back
Could you pick SD up?
New baby will be her grandchild too. Once a week, she can take the older child for a few hours to give you a break, but she can't focus on one child. On your off week with SD have her come to your house and bond with new baby while you go out to grocery or window shop by yourself. Set the expectation early that MIL needs to pay attention to both grandkids.
...still would have let her
First quote from OP. Second from another poster. Both scream caution, danger ahead to me. Grandparents may love to watch their grandkids, but they don't usually want to be treated like the (unpaid) hired help. Be nice to the woman who you are expecting to watch two kids in the future or be prepared to pay big bucks for care. Have some boundaries. Boundaries are good, but don't draw them so tight that you lose your free child care.