too many questions to list
Hi all - new here to the forum. Not sure of the acronyms yet, but have decifered BM and BD. Still in the infancy stage :)
So to give you some background, as my bio says I raised my daughter. She's almost 19 and lives in Arizona.
So J and I have been together almost two years ago and it was a whirlwind romance. I move in almost immediately and we've been living together ever since. We are not married. With that being said, what am I called? What am I supposed to refer to his child as? She's not my daughter but I DO treat her as my own. The love is mutual, and she's like my daughter. But I don't want to overstep. I'm not her mom nor am I trying to replace her mother, ho-bag. HB for short.
Anyway, HB has always referred to me, to her daughter as your "fathers hooker" even though I'm gainfully employed and I think the child is smart enough to know better. I work in a professional industry, and thus dress as such. It's kinda laughable actually.
My other main question is this.... The child has been spoiled all her life, given absolutely everything even before J divorced HB mainly to make up for her being an unscrupulous human being. Now the child is 10 and seems to be perfectly fine with J and I being together, but he will not stop with the constant buying for the child, even though she's good. (not that buying is going to fix anything) and he also won't back me up in making the child do chores. I'm not talking Cinderella here, just pick up after yourself and clean up your crumbs. We are fortunate enough to have a housekeeper (he and I split the cost, I'm not going to do it after working 10 hours) so she doesn't have to do much. However, I did tell our housekeeper, I am not paying to have her room cleaned. Leave it. She can sleep in filth until she cleans it herself. But everytime I bring anything up even remotely negative to him he becomes very passive agressive and we get nowhere.
Don't get me wrong, she's a GOOD kid. Just lazy and a slob. Just based on the couple discussions I read, I feel like a fool even asking. but I don't know what to do and I don't know where I stand. Please don't laugh me off. I want to be the best stepmom to the child I can be. She deserves it. Her HB mother never was.
-M
Thank you for your reply, I
Thank you for your reply, I agree, she is a spoiled brat. I just want some ideas how to help without leaving them. I love them both and leaving because she's a slob is not an option at this point. Maybe I'll live to regret those words but for now, I'm in for the long haul.
Welcome!
Do you want to get married? Have you guys talked about it? How does SD (Step Daughter is fine to say here even if you’re not married) treat you?
PS... those BM’s always come up with the most creative names. Lol “father’s hooker”. Silly broad. I was nicknamed “Police ho” because I went to the police when she kept stalking me. ;)
Hi all, thank you for the
Hi all, thank you for the replies first and foremost. I will not make her bed as it’s not my responsibility, I don’t sleep in it. I make my own and not sufficient. She is a wonderful and loving child and my heart melts when she comes up to me and says I love you I hi all, thank you for the replies first and foremost. I will not make her bed as it’s not my responsibility, I don’t sleep in it. I make my own and not sufficient. She is a wonderful and loving child and my heart melts when she comes up to me and says I love you M. I do referred to her in many conversations as my stepdaughter as I’ve been here over two years and I do feel like her stepmom. To be honest I feel like more of a mother to her than her own mother, hooker and all LOL. One other really difficult situation that we are facing is that all of my family lives in Arizona, including my daughter. And her HB mother Won’t allow her to cross state lines into Arizona so I can see my family. J has primary custody so we have her about 70% of the time So it makes it a little difficult because I can almost never go and see my family. I am hoping that in the years to come she will finally realize that I am not one of her revolving door boyfriends and realize it will be OK for the child to go and visit and become close with my family as well. They all treat her as granddaughter, niece etc.
You can’t care more about her
You can’t care more about her than her parents do. If he wants to raise a lazy adult who expects someone else to clean up after her, so be it. Split the housekeeper 60/40 and let her clean up after SD.
Treat her the same way you would a special niece. Let him raise her but be supportive and lead by example, make your bed, wipe down counters, sweep up your messes.
You’ll never change BMs mind about letting SD travel with you. Go see your family by yourself or just you and SO (significant other) go when SD is with BM. Don’t make a big deal out of it. If BM thinks it’s a big deal and she can hurt you, she will. Never let BM know what is really important to you, those are the things she’ll try to screw up.
Wow,
Seems to me that you are already giving up a lot of your life to make this work. What is your man giving up? He certainly isn't giving up much as you write. He gets passive aggressive with you when you bring it up. He gets uncomfortable with parenting and turns it back on you. You should be able to live in house without the stench of a slob wafting thru the rest of the house. Spend enough time on here reading and you will find many stories of SDs who trash their rooms, leave food, garbage, dishes and much more in their rooms. You will find stories of used tampons and pads shoved in all kinds of places except the garbage. You need to nip this in the bud now to avoid years of unneccessary stress for yourself. You've alread raised one launched girl. He should be glad to have you as a resource but you don't write that he does. Can you accept a less than successful SD at age 20? One that has no practical life skills and refuses to launch? Sorry to be so negative but that's the road I see you on. Its good you found this place. You will learn alot. I sure did over the past 8 years lurking and particitpating.
Don't marry this man- it was
Don't marry this man- it was a whirlwind romance you say? That means it has to be a very slow engagement with eyes wide open. How your SO makes you feel disappointed and excluded sometimes- multiply this. How SO calls you a 'hooker' and you don't call him out? He will see this as a way of be-littling you in public- multply this too. Whatever doubts and concerns you have now, and you clearly have some or you wouldn't have posted on here,multiply all those too.
You cannot replace BM in her DDs eyes,and never will. This is not a problem with the child but with the parents- one of whom you may be considering marrying.
If you are any good at visualisation I say go back in time to before you met SO- imagine you see him and his family together in public- what judgements would you make about that family? Try and look at them with objectivity- would you like to be in their company or not? If you answer yes, then you're ok- if not then you have to realise that you will not just be marrying a man, you will be marrying a father and a former husband. All those things he will still be. Either accept that reality or walk away.
I am going to take a slightly
I am going to take a slightly different perspective here. I have a bio who is 12. He is truely a great kid. Straight A's, very respectful, all of his teachers love him, he is kind, he is considerate, just a good kid.
HOWEVER- he won't keep his room clean to save his life. He is a mess! This is his flaw. How much do you punnish a kid who in literally every other respect is great? This is just our on going battle every saturday morning. He get's up, eats and I send him to his room. He half asses it, I point out what else needs to be done- repeat this process 2-3X and then we move on.
My daughter on the other hand is a total neat freak, everything is clean and organized at all times. I worry that she might have a slight case of OCD. She can't sleep if her room isn't right.
The point of all of this, is that if in all other respects the kid is genuinly good, even if she is spoiled, don't make this a constant battle. Just set out that once a week before friends, sports, TV ect she has to clean her room. Keep it simple but firm.
Maybe it's a degree of messy?
Maybe it's a degree of messy? SD14 has left rotting food, dirty dishes under bed and in dresser. Used pads laying in filthy underwear. Dirty wet towels all over the floor. It often smells.
And I cannot correct her. She's protected by DH. I can over rule when it gets very, very bad but cannot do it with her directly. I just do a clean sweep of everything. So influence and authority is a huge factor... you obviously have authority over your son to make sure it's properly cleaned but often SMs have none of that.
And OP, go visit you family on your own! No rule you must bring everyone...