told DH his kid needs to live with his mum in therapy
Dh and I havent lived together for over a year now due to serious issues with his son13 and things not being dealt with on his part. Recently we started therapy as a last port of call to help with commincation issues etc as DH has major defensive/avoidance issues and you simply cant raise any issue with him at all. We so far have had 3 sessions, I do find the sessions helpful although extremely draining as DH is so emotionally immature and really doesnt understand things being explained by the therapist,,even i see the therapist getting frustrated with him sometimes. Anyway ,,, I was asked what i felt a big issue was with DH's kid and what i think needs to change from my perspective ,,,, as i was in a safe communicating space the words just flowed out my mouth ,, I said the care arrangement needs to change asap from 50/50 to the kid going to live with his mother fulltime and see his dad every other weekend,, i feel this would change everything !!! first priority it would be better for the kid as his mum is a fulltime stay at home mum with 2 other kids so the brat has siblings and learns how to share, the BM has a nice husband which is a good role model for the brat and she has the ability to do whats needed in raising a teen as she is well looked after by the husband. On the otherside, DH lives isolated rural with nothing close by for teens so the brat stays home alone all the time and will play xbox for 15hrs straight on the holidays while dad works the whole time with the business, i felt that DH would be able to plan quality time with his son if it was every fornight , DH is much older than BM and doesnt relate well to the kid, no too mention , i purely believe that DH really doesnt have time for his kid , although he loves him , DH just simply cant do it and I was left to deal with the skid and his bad behaviour which lead to us living apart. I have had nothing to do with this kid now for quite sometime and will not get back involved in that role ever again , DH knows this and is fine with that and we have been through this with the therapist. The therapist completly agrees with my reasoning and has told DH that 50/50 custody is terrible for a teen , it rarely works out and he needs a homebase with a solid parent and to stop going back and forth as hes manipulating the situation. the 50/50 was set up as its what was best for the parents at the time when the kid was 4. I think it would be great also for our relationship and make a huge difference with allocated and less stress from this kid. Am i fighting a losing/lost battle and would this be completely pointless if this situation did actually happen and no doubt DH would blame me for his guilt of losing the control of his son ?
Yes of course i would rather
Yes of course i would rather not have this kid envolved in our lives, just like 90% of people on this site but i also have been the one that has done most things for this kid over the last 8 years to benefit all envolved,i put all the work into the kids schooling as no one else made it a priority to do so. I believe i was the best chance the kid had but that ship has sailed , i raised my own son into a great young man and would have been the best support for the skid but had all the responsibilty with no authority. and YES him going to live in an environment with other siblings and his fulltime stay at home mum would be extremely benficial and i think would sort out a lot of behaviour issues that come from him getting passed around like a hot potato,, then intern have a postive affect on our relationship,, and yes his father does say that he couldnt have his child fulltime and he just cant deal with the boy for more than a few days at a time. Resentment is already there. The kid spends most of his time alone on dads week while dad works a business , so to me why have 50/50 if your not present anyway? DH has another child who is lovely and never been an issue. The 13 yr old boy needs constant supervision and constant work being put into him that the BM is able to give
I dont see the kid at all
I dont see the kid at all these days ,,, it was asked by the therapist what my main concerns were moving forward and the 50/50 arrangement was the big one. I would like to be able to move forward with DH and be able to spend more time together whether at his property or mine ,,, as i respect his 50/50 time with his son, i never get in the way of that time that is meant to be allocated for the child, so i would stay away or not organise time with DH during that week,, but like i said the kid is alone most of the time in that 50/50 arrangement anyway when at dads , so whats the point when the mother has the ability to offer more. It would allow more flexability in our relationship moving forward and i would actually be able to spend more time at DH's place without skid targeting me to fight for dads attention. We own the business together but i am part-time girlfriend which wont last much longer if the dynamic doesnt change. I have been the parent on the other side of this situation with a 50/50 arrangemnt when my son was young, the best thing that happened was that dynamic changed and i took him fulltime and he saw his dad EOWE,, it opened doors for everyone envolved including his fathers relationship with his now wife. DH knows the arrangement has to change also, he is a control freak and cant bare to think hes losing control of a situation but really hes not in control of it anyway and never has been to be honest. I would love to live with DH again but simply cant while the arrangement is the same ,,, i dont how else to move forward together , even the therapist agrees
So many of us have struggled
So many of us have struggled to find a way to live with these partners who are crappy parents. I really feel for you. My DH also lacked the skills to properly manage his baggage. By far the smartest thing he ever did was get a vasectomy!
It sounds as if you're doing everything YOU can to keep your marriage going, but the bottom line is it's your H, his shortcomings, and his baggage that make it impossible to move forward. Only you can decide when you don't want to invest anymore in your current relationship.
I hope you're doing what's necessary to take care of you no matter how things play out.
thanks everyone , yes ive
thanks everyone , yes ive been doing all i can to keep things together at best. the best thing i did was take back control on my own household and asked them to leave. Yes its his crappy parenting and his baggage that make it impossible to move forward. Its funny though how i came from being widowed and being a single mum in struggle town ,, some would think that is considered baggage also , but i made it work and I parented my son and he has launched at 19 and a respectful young man who never caused any issue with my relationship and DH. I have set myself a certain number of therapy sessions as to when i will call it quits and will stick by that as I have really nothing to lose by stepping away more than i already have. I have never been finacially provided for by him , own my own property , have a good solid job and a wonderful pet Labrador who is the best companion ever. Therapy was the only avenue never tried and if this doesnt work , i did my best and learnt alot at the same time
thanks all for your responses
thanks all for your responses. I was just answering the therapist question honestly and it has never been targeted at the skid or to get rid of him,, even though his behaviour toward me has been terrible and completely unacceptable.. DH has been learning and accepting this in the therapy sessions which i appreciate and not rejected anything that has been said,, which is a huge thing for this guy as hes been raised this way. Yes 'AlmostGone83',, that is going to be the major problem is with the BM,, although a provided for stay at home mum who has coffe dates and goes to the gym daily ,,she has her new 'proper' family and i really dont think she wants the hassle of this kid interferring as he causes issues with the stepdad and her relationship also. Someone needs to take the lead in this whole situation with this kid ,,,, they planned to have this kid , its up to either one of them to do so , not me or the stepdad. Im seeing it from my own perspective as a mum who did the hard yards and took the fulltime care ,,personally i think this kid needs his mother to step up at this stage of his life.