Three months of full time aggravation from BM and I'm about to snap
WARNING - VERY LONG!! But please read.
I have major problems with BM. But in reality it's also FDH because I know he's part to blame. Here's the background before I get into why I'm getting even more annoyed and pissed.
I've been with FDH for 5 years. He proposed back in April (2011) and I wanted to save up money and get to know his kids before heading into marriage. He has three daughters (6, 12, 16). I've only met the two youngest - the oldest wants nothing to do with me. FDH has talked to her about it and she says she has no problems at all but I still have yet to meet her. So far I get along with his two youngest but only recently met them (summer of 2011). My friends and I have always wondered why he waited so long to introduce me but his excuse was he was trying to get closer to his oldest before bringing me in the picture. I never forced him into meeting them.. I wanted to meet them when he was ready. He only has them two saturday's out of the month for a sleepover. They live over an hour away. He pays child support.
Before the "incident" I never had a problem with him going to their house to pick them up, take them out to eat, to the park and even to go to their place Christmas morning. In October 2011, I noticed BM and FDH texting A LOT! Like 200 texts in two weeks. I brought it up to him saying that it was insane. He says it's only about the kids. I said bullshit, I seen some of the texts. The texts weren't out of line or sexual but they were texts two friends would send one another. If my ex was texting me to randomly talk he would get so mad. I told him that too. Long story short, he agreed and told her it was "Unfair to my future wife that I talk this much to my ex. Keep it about the kids." She says he won't call or text. That last two days. Now the texts were random crap about the kids just so she could keep her presence known.. whatever, it was still uncalled for. I bring it up again and he stops responding to all the texts and calls unless they were important. She gets annoyed. Halloween happened and FDH went trick or treating with his kids in BM's neighborhood. FDH asked me if I wanted to go and I said no. I went with my 2 year old nieces. On Halloween, FDH was texting on his phone. BM says, "You know SHE doesn't like it when you text other people." He's sitting on the steps and looks up to her and says, "I'm texting her," and goes back to texting me. She then asks when me and FDH are getting married.
November 2011 my and FDH were playing a game, having "US TIME". She called. He didn't answer. She called again. Still no answer. She text him, "It's really important. Answer." He didn't reply or answer the call. She text him again, "I really need to talk to you. It's important." No reply. She text two or three more times then finally called again. I flipped out, "Christ, answer the f'n phone so maybe it'll shut up." I go in the other room to let them talk but listen to the convo anyway. He's telling her that she isn't making sense. "BM, no. You don't. We never get along and never will." I'm like huh? Then he says, "I do love her and want to marry her. She does everything with me. I never have to ask she's just always by my side. I had my doubts in the very beginning but I really love her." He gets off the phone and tells me the important thing she had to say was she was still in love with him and wanted him back. I'm like WTF, forreal?? An hour went by.. she's pissed. She sent me a message on facebook - we're NOT friends on there and never had any communication before that. She tells me they had sex twice and explained what days. Explained what his apartment looked like. I ask FDH the next day if BM has ever been to the apartment. He said yes. That she picked the kids up and came in without asking while he was gathering everything for the kids. So maybe that's how she knew what his placed looked like? At this point I'm confused. I didn't know who to believe. I had friends telling me that it seemed like she was mad that she just got rejected and realized how serious he was with me and was trying to break us up. Basically being vindictive. But I couldn't help but wonder if they really did fool around. It almost did break us up. I flipped out on him. He started telling BM off and told her I broke up with him because of this. Her mood changes and she tells him how much he really loves me and that we'll have a better marriage and maybe now he'll realize how important I am to him. He tells her to stay out of our relationship. We didn't break up because I ended up believing FDH over her but I still have a slight doubt. Like a seed has been planted. Throughout Nov till now he sticks to the boundaries even more - not texting back unless it really has to deal with the kids. She gets pissed off again. (These next comments are for two months or so.)
Her: I didn't know calls or texts about the kids were against the rules. I'm not going to push a relationship with you and the kids anymore. Your kids have a far more interest in you than you do with them. You and the insecure girlfriend will be glad to know there will be no more communication between us. I will continue to pray for you.
Her: I found out hunting season doesn't start till Monday and you're going away Friday. You never were a good liar. If you're getting married, congrats and I hope it works out better this time." (He told her he couldn't have the kids that weekend cause he was going hunting - which was true.) He responds by telling her he was going with a few guys and making a weekend out of it. Not that she needed to know that but whatever.
Her: So when are you taking me and the kids to nyc? Separate rooms of course.
FDH: That's not gonna happen.
Her: Whatever, couldn't hurt to ask. I'll figure out a way to take my kids there for a mini vacation.
Her: Please don't be angry with me about nyc. It was really just a thought. I'm sure me and the kids will get there. Anyway hope you get a deer be safe.
Her: I know we've both reached our call and text limit for the day but when you get the kids do you have $10 for their lunch account?
Her: SD asked if dad was coming to our house christmas morning. I said no not this year. It's a shame it's like this now. 
Her: SD sent me the Santa videos. I don't know why you couldn't send them to my email. Must be against the rules. Anyways thanks a bunch.
Her: People always tell me what a good and involved parent I am to your children. I should be rewarded.
FDH: Oh. ok.
Her: You're too kind. I'll send you my list.
FDH didn't respond.
Her: SD is on my facebook and wants to know why I'm not FB friends with you.....
FDH: So did you tell her why?
Her: I said I don't know..... Because I really don't....
Her: I friend requested you for SD. I don't have to respond.
FDH deleted the friend request
Again about Christmas
Her: SD and SD are super sad you won't be here Christmas morning... that's what they're used to.
I'm so sick and tired of her. I have so much anger towards her. Why can't she just shut the hell up?! I never emailed or called her to bitch her out. I've been tempted to because she's pissing me off. The reason I don't want to bitch her out is because I don't want to give her the enjoyment. I've been to the point where I wrote an email and deleted it. I don't know what happened this past weekend but something did. The two youngest daughters came over Saturday night till Sunday morning. He ignored all her texts of concern for her kids. "How are they?" "Do they have their pj's on?" "Are they sleeping?" He dropped them off at their BM's brothers house the next afternoon where BM was and he had to take his oldest daughters car to work to fix it. So he took the car. When the car was fixed, and I didn't know this, BM drove FDH's car back to his work and drove SD's car back. I had NO CLUE he let her take his car till I snooped at his texts. This is what she wrote, so I obviously know something happened. What, I don't know:
Her: From now on everything needs to be court appointed. $600 a month is a joke so that will be changing real quick and you can have the kids as much as you want but if we know dates and times ahead of time. We never need to see or speak to each other. With that said I figure over the next 1 1/2 years we'll see each other twice. SD graduation and SD recital.
FDH had no response
Her: She rants about how she doesn't need any of the forms back for the kids selling stuff. She gave them to him and didn't give them back to her that day. Pretty much more bitching.
FDH had no response
Her: (Next day. This text really peaked my interest) One last text..I would appreciate all texts to be deleted from your phone but because I could never trust that, when I got a new phone I made sure they transferred all the texts and pictures over from the last 12 months from you. Someday I would love to get it all off my phone but I can't trust you. That's all.
FDH: I already sold a whole bunch of cookies. I'll give you the form this weekend.
First off, I know FDH sent her a messed up pic, as he did with people at his work and to friends. It was a joke and everyone thought it was funny. However, he was dressed up in a wig and wearing a thong and bra. So yes, it shouldn't have EVER been sent to her and this was before I flipped out about talking so much to her. And no, he doesn't know that I seen those last texts. I snooped. I have reasons for not trusting him whether he messed around with her or not. The idea has been planted however, I've been doing so much better at trusting him lately. I would love to bring that last texts up to him and see what he says but I probably won't.
I keep thinking I should leave I should leave but my only problem with him is this BM bullshit and it seems like he's really trying so I stick around. I really want to email BM and stick up for my relationship and tell her to quit harassing MY boyfriend because this nonsense is petty and childish. I even think, "How could emailing her make things worse?" I already feel I'm in a bad spot by having suspicion and sitting on the sidelines keeping quiet. What's the worst that could happen? FDH breaks up with me and I move out? If he breaks up with me then maybe it wasn't worth it and I was wasting my time all along? I don't know.. I have so many mixed feelings but I don't want to give up on us but I sure as hell don't want to be with a cheater who screwed his exwife and sit on the sidelines. I'll never know if he did or didn't mess around. She said she couldn't give me actual proof of the cheating, as in texts he sent or pictures. Weird, because she just said in the last text to him that she had a bunch of pictures and texts from him..
I don't know what I'm asking advice on. Maybe I just wanted to vent but this whole feeling of wanting to email her isn't going away and I'm starting to think of more good reasons on emailing her than the other way around. Maybe I need some sleep..
Hi - I read some of your
Hi - I read some of your post, and got the gist of what the problem was. Whether or not your FDH has had sex with his ex, she has obviously still got a lot too much influence over him and he is going along with some of it, probably because he feels flattered and it gives his ego a boost that she is hanging on so hard. Either that or he is worried about the effect on his relationship with the children if he ignores her. I would advise you not to have any contact with BM yourself, and to insist that FDH has minimal contact and only about essential child matters. She is getting much too much attention. This is all these narcissistic types want. If you email her it will just feed her obsession. It's not enough that FDH is "really trying" - you want to see results in the form of BM getting a life and not bothering you any more.
Start getting tough, and insist your FDH gets tough, too. If not, it may be time to call off the engagement.
Kes, I've said that to him in
Kes, I've said that to him in our last BM boundaries talk which was only right before New Years Eve. I said something like, "It seems like you're enjoying the fact that she still loves you and are loving the drama." He denied it.. of course. What you said, "It's not enough that FDH is "really trying" - you want to see results in the form of BM getting a life and not bothering you any more." That's EXACTLY what I want.
I know I shouldn't have any contact with her. I remind myself of that every time I consider emailing her. I bang it into my head. I've considered calling off the engagement and moving in with my mom (not that I'd want to). Each conversation we have about boundaries is getting to that. Last time, right before New Years, I told him, "I can't mentally deal with this anymore. I need a break from you and your phone. Each time I hear you get a text I want to pick up your phone and throw it against a wall. THAT would fix things." And I left for the night and came back the next day.
Ripley, I brought up emails
Ripley, I brought up emails only a month ago and he thinks that's a joke. Personally, I think it's a great idea. But I don't ever see that happening and that irritates me because I think it would end a lot of issues. But I really LOVE the idea of being there on pick ups/drop offs. He's asked me to come but I've always declined but I'll definitely be there for the next one! And there are no more joint holidays because I put my foot down on that one back in December. But Halloween was different because I never said anything till Christmas. That's the reason he was sitting on the porch. He was outside smoking and BM walked out. I have her completely blocked on FB - she can't even find me anymore. FDH is just private.
I dread bringing this up again for the maybe 6th time. Each time it's an argument of him asking me why I feel so threatened by BM. (What a joke!) I just want us to have as normal of a life as possible under these circumstances.
tog, I laughed when you
tog, I laughed when you wrote, "I do appear at the kid's events and make sure that I'm very lovey with SO during those." FDH is cutesy when it comes to PDA, even in front of his kids. I love it. My girlfriends get jealousy and say to their husbands/bf's, why can't YOU be like that? Giving me a hug, holding me and giving a kiss.. No full blown make out session or anything! haha. As far as I've seen the kids don't seem to mind. Not too sure how he'd act in front of BM. If he'd still be the same way dunno! I say that too. That it's not my business, so I make sure not to have contact with her and keep it between me and FDH. It's getting hard though!!
I'll say it this way. FDH has done a "330" and but hasn't made it to a complete "360". So he hasn't made a complete change YET. I'm waiting and hoping but for some reason don't see it happening. As you've seen, he occasionally does respond back to nonsense texts that he shouldn't. I don't know what compels him to.
My story is almost a carbon
My story is almost a carbon copy of tog's - then DH put in place most of the boundaries described in ripley's post - and over maybe the last 5 years, the hysterical communications from BM have petered down to a trickle. On the very rare occasions she phones him, he puts the phone down on her the second she even raises her voice.
It's not an ideal situation now - the SKIDS still cause me a lot of grief and aggravation,as they are very like their vile mother, but BM features a lot less in our lives than she once did.
She sent that text to peak
:jawdrop: She sent that text to peak your interest. Trust me if she has anything she would have already sent it to you!!!!! Your FDH sounds naive. He is still in the guilt process that is all. It sounds like he is trying to do what you are asking. By the way you had ever right to ask that of him and I would keep pushing the no contact and stick to your guns about it. If he knows he is hurting you he will stop. You might have to give him guilt about your situation as well. You aren't married yet and make that a point to him. My SD's BM still tries to pull this crap. She doesnt want him she just doesnt want him to want anyone else either. Lets face it, it's hard to realize your x can work out a relationship with someone else it just didn't work for them. Good Luck!
I think part of the problem
I think part of the problem is how he is saying things to bm. By putting everything as your idea, that you aren't comfortable with it..... Then he's not making the right point. It's coming across as you being this insecure gf trying to dictate who her bf can talk to. He needs to make it clear that HE is not comfortable with he level of daily involvement and constant texts. It sounds lime he must have told her something to the affect of... Gf doesn't like that we talk and text so much, so let's keep it to the kids ..... When he should be saying " gf and I are moving our relationship forward and I don't think its appropriate that we have this much contact about non child related issues. Please keep texts to a minimum and only about the children. Her comments "She doesn't like it when you text other people" and "we are getting to our quota for today" makes me think he has put this entirely on you, and in her eyes he's an unwilling participant to your "crazy demands".
I too have a story much like
I too have a story much like Togs. It's all control and for my situation I am convinced half of the issue is the BM thinks that this is just her and my SO being what they've always been (they were on again off again quite a bit) but divorce is more serious than just breaking up! She is nice to my face I at least have that but she tries to pull stunts just like yours all the time. Calling and leaving love songs on the machine, the happy anniversary texts, and my favorite, trying to make me seem like the most unattractive, naive and incompetent person in the world.
I think it is good that your FDH is trying. Rome wasn't built in a day so keep pushing for the boundaries. I don't think the guys get it. They don't realize how women can really be, and we are looking at this with "fresh" eyes and he may be worried that if he puts up too much of a fight she'll nail him to the wall or worse he'll never get to have a good relationship with his kids! Keep a journal. Thats what I do...every horrible and mean thought goes in there in detail for no one to see. That way I can get it out and not worry about the ramifications!!!!
I can completely understand
I can completely understand where you're at all your frustrations. I have delt with my FDH's crazy ex pulling crap for way to long. She has stalked him (sitting outside the house at 3am amongst many other things), all the I'm still in love with you texts, sending pictures of herself, call FDH and begging him not to let me move in, having her father call FDH and asking him not to let me move in, calling FDH's mother bawling trying to get her to talk FDH into getting back together with her, showing up at our house when no one is home, showing up at my BD's school when she was 5 to ask her if she wanted to come over to her house and play when she was told to stay away from my BD from FDH, calling and telling FDH she has cancer. OMG this list can go on and on.
FDH to, thought it was funny when I suggested the email contact only. That was, up until, she called CPS and filed false child abuse allegations against him. After that he was on board.
But the issues are still there. FDH just doesn't want to deal with things or with her. So things happen like he lets her into the house when I'm in the shower. Technically he didn't let her in, but when he heard his BD ask if she wanted to see her room he didn't stop her from entering. Then there's the email contact only. It's fine and dandy until he needs something from her like flexibilty with the kids and a tax credit. Or he bases it off of whether or not she's being good and what happens when he opens the door to her? She f#cks him over. This is something that we have been having huge issues with recently. But with that being said we now have an agreement that the communication that both he and I agreed on will be followed and no more pick ups or drop offs at our house or her house. It will be done at a mutually agreed upon location, which has pissed her off to no end. But she cannot force someone to come over to her house. I am also planning on being there for every drop off and pick up. FDH has also told her that he will no longer be dropping the kids off at her house anymore at the begining of her weeks. He will follow suit with her and make sure the kids make it to school in the morning and she can pick them up after school, which is another thing that pisses her off.
Sorry this is so long. I just wanted to let you know that you are not alone. And I have emailed crazo and b!tch her out via text and it makes no difference. They are crazy. She still thinks that sitting outside the house at 3 am is normal and that she and FDH had a secret relationship going on and that all the texts she sent him are none of my business. My point is that you can rationalize with crazy. A truly crazy person believes that what they are doing isn't crazy.