For those in it for the long haul, a question
Forums:
I have been around sd10 for about 6 years. The parenting from dh and bm has been subpar. That is being generous.
DH initially asked me for help. But anything I did, from help with personal hygiene, to manners, no lying, consequences was continually dismissed. So I disengaged.
My question to those that were able to work through it is this. Is there any satisfaction from watching the bioparents reap what they sow? An I told you so moment that your so or dh gets it? Is it harder to watch them be disappointed in what they did? Just wondering on a Saturday.
Thanks in advance.
I think we all have these
I think we all have these thoughts, just like you, after you disengage. Just know natural consequences of poor parenting happen, though much of which
YOU may never know. Who wants to be told-I told you so? It is fine not to know, you know enough already. Yes, they very much reap what they sow and that is the only satisfaction you meed; do not worry or even care about any further validation. Go on with your peaceful life and let the rest take care of itself; it is better that you do not know, actually...LOL
Even though you may be
Even though you may be disengaged, to whatever extent that is, the bottom line is that whatever your DH reaps will ultimately affect you, too.
Parents have a different perspective on their children than anyone else will. The truth about what kind of person their kid is turning into can be smacking them in the face constantly, but they will not see it for what it is.
I don't ever think you will ever hear your DH flat-out admit that his mistakes turned his kid into a nightmare. So no, there will be no "ah-ha" moment for him that he will readily talk about. Deep in his heart he may know but like most parents he won't come out and say the kid is an abject failure.
Yes, it is hard to just stand by and watch the destruction that skids can heap upon their parent. Just like any other hurt in life, you don't want your loved one/DH to be damaged by his own kids. But it happens. A lot.
Be prepared that when the kids are little, you will have small issues with them. When they get older the issues very often will be much more serious and hard to ignore. (Jail, drugs/alcohol abuse, unwanted pregnancies, serious debt, never-ending handouts, etc.)
In some weird way i want to
In some weird way i want to be validated that the parenting needed to be stepped up. Or that manners, hygiene, no lying, etc, are normal and that yes what they are doing is dysfunction. It's hard to know sometimes.
No, not a bm. Tried fertility
No, not a bm. Tried fertility treatments for 6 yes and miscarried 5 times. 2 were barely 12 weeks but I still count them.
I agree that heavenlike has great advice, and perspective. As well as sueu2 and several others.
I did try to get sd10 to brush hair, teeth, to wipe,flush and wash hands. But I was asking too much according to my DH. He said that bm never taught to her to be polite or kind. I told him that does not mean we give up on her here. NcP is not an excuse to me.
The unfortunate thing is that she is a liar. All kids lie, which is fine as long as it's correctEd by the bioparents. But my dh is very weak and makes excuses for it. I choose not to present so I cannot be affected by it.
I am, disengaged and currently in counseling and parenting classes with dh. We will see how it goes from here.
SS26 is pretty successful
SS26 is pretty successful from an objective point of view. He odes have a few problems relating to his having been coddled, but they are relatively minor in the grand scheme of things.
DH's big problem is that he has allowed SS26 to walk all over me (and mistreat my dogs). As a result, I have closed myself off from skid. I minimize the time I spend in his presence, I'm deliberately civil and no more when I have to be around him, and that's it. No meals, no gifts, nowhere for him to crash in my house when he comes to town. THat's what DH has sown. He finds this very hurtful, and in some ways I'm waiting to see whether he's able to live with it. He's clearly unhappy with the situation. I'm really not sure how he's going to handle it in the long run. Will he walk? Will he try to coax me to reinstate SS26's welcome? We'll see, I guess.
I am disengage lol... so
I am disengage lol... so disengage I moved back to my own house, I have 12 months left of the brat in our house...
I laughed yesterday cause Daddy decided it's time to discipline his 17 year old brat.... first I was in shock, then it was comic relief... but I also know that it did not help anything... things will be the same within a week cause brat is a master manipulator and Daddy is an idiot
Oh! The horror!
Oh! The horror! Discipline!!!!!
Yeah, snowflake will get in trouble, get yelled at, and be sweet and nice and obedient for ah, 2.5 seconds, wake up the next day like nothing has ever happened and its a NEW day, and everything is forgotten.
Unfortunately for Winona, I don't let things go, I REMEMBER things, and 2.5 years of her attitude and disrespect and laziness and lies, have taken their toll on the relationship.
That brilliant shaft of
That brilliant shaft of lightning blazing from the sky, directly to your SO, the knowledge that he failed in his parenting, failed his child, will NEVER bring satisfaction. Not in the NORMAL sense that most understand. But it will bring other pleasant feelings, of vindication, and solace in the fact that you are NOT the bad guy, that you are NOT the problem. Perhaps a hit of joy, and that delicious calm feeling that comes over you when FINALLY everyone else sees and experiences what previously only you had the privilege of experiencing.
I see my SO struggle with the fact that the SD17 is a pathological liar, and has been for a long time. I see her repeating certain phrases like "you are choosing x,y,z over your own DAUGHTER", or "but I hate being there with BM!!!" and he is now like stone, trying to find temporary ways of placating her until she turns 18 and is no longer going to be an issue he has to deal with.
He knows SD is disrespectful, and I have seen him struggle with it for 2.5 years. Now I am seeing the "reap what you sow", when SD17 was caught stealing and banned from JCPenny for a year, and the parents given a fine of $250. BM sais "I cant believe anything you say anymore!!!! You've lied to me!!!"
- Yea, and who is her mother? Who raised this prime specimen? Who ignored her lies when it was convenient? Yes that would be YOU BM.
And as for my SO - I have seen him repeatedly try to tell her that she will get benefits and her door put back on, when she can learn to be respectful. He hates how she talks to him, but because the law sais that he is responsible for this whining, sniveling spawn of his loins, he has to stick with it for a little while longer. We are hoping she graduates (a c student who failed government), and gets a job (shes never done anything except sit with her gma here and there), and by then we will have better finances (he works full time and does a lot of sidework for extra income, I work full time but don't make even half what he does. I am working on that!!!)
We are both hoping she will launch soon after graduation. In that way we can move forward into happier times. SD10 is awesome and appreciative and sweet and loving. SD17 only said "I love you" when she wants money. Its been that way forever. MY SO and I never have conflict except when SD17 is around, because she CREATES conflict and drama. She wants a hedgehog. She wants to have our current dog sleep in bed with her, in her already dirty yuky room. She wants to go with us places and then sais something snotty to ruin the whole thing. So, when she is independent, I will heave a huge sigh of relief and move forward with my life goals and happiness.
The money equality DOES make
The money equality DOES make all the difference. Plus there are many different circumstances. Yes, if you have them 100% and also make an equal contribution, you have every right to communicate. Sometimes that doesn't happen overnight. It took me being in my home over 1 year with my SO (who has Skids 50/50), and talking things out extensively (ie sometimes arguing), and then disengaging from SD17, for there to be more of a sense of "this is MY home, and I am not merely the live-in GF".
That is wonderful that you were able to make it work.
My wife of 22+ years and I
My wife of 22+ years and I raised SS-24 together. My stance is that as equity life partners we are also equity parents to any kids in the picture regardless of kid biology. In our case my SS is an only child so the philosophy my bride and I agreed on early ultimately applied primarily to me.
The key I believe is for the breeder parent in the blended family mix to consistently reaffirm that the non breeder partner has the support of the breeder partner. The kid(s) need to be absolutely clear on this too.
Though we were not always on exactly the same page regarding parenting and discipline we were always somewhere in the same chapter and were able to work effectively to resolve any misalignments together.
I think it is easier for StepFathers than it is for StepMothers and far easier for SParents who enter the picture when their Skid(s) are younger rather than older.
In our case our blended family closeness culminated or at least peaked when my son asked for me to adopt him when he was 22. We made that happen in short order and I am proud to see our family name on his uniform. I thank his mom for making me a dad fairly regularly. Her more recent response when I deliver that message is "He picked you, thanks for picking us." I am fortunate that our blended family experience has been a good one. I knew that to spend my life with the woman I love I also would have to be dad to her young son. What I didn't know is that they would change my life far more than I would change theirs.
Excuse me. Now I am off to the man card shredder..... again.