Their dad is important only when they want something...?
I didn't know where to post this, but I've lurked on here for a couple weeks now and FINALLY created an account.
I dislike my stepkids, alot. I wouldn't say hate just yet, but one notch down from there. They haven't been to our house in months (Yay for me!), but yet, they show up when they want something. And only when it benefits them. Like Christmas or Birthdays. Then we don't see them again until the next Christmas or Birthday.
For those in this type of situation, how do you all deal with it? Because of course, my husband kisses their butts when they do want something - they are his precious babies. *barf* They only answer husband's calls/texts on THEIR terms. Never call to tell him "happy birthday", "happy father's day", "go to hell", "i hate you" - nothing. He can call/text all day long and they will not respond. BUT - the second they need money, or a car fixed, you bet his phone is FLOODED with calls/texts.
Husband and I have been together for over 10 years. I've stepped back A LOT the past 5-6 years and even more the last 2 years. I try not to get involved anymore. Notice I said TRY. I don't care if these kids are around or not. It doesn't make me said that I haven't seen them in months. I wish they'd move far far far away with their mother and never return. Husband knows this. I voice my opinion every time one of them wants something from him. I let him know how shitty his kids act and how he lets them walk all over him. It literally infuriates me.
I've disengaged as much as
I've disengaged as much as possible. I didn't do Christmas shopping alone this year and we only spent $20 on each of his kids. I made hubs go along and he was not happy about that whole shopping bit, but I figured hey! They are YOUR kids, not MINE. I do all the shopping for OUR kids. He can do the shopping for HIS kids. I used to do EVERYTHING, even make arrangements with the kids mom if something special was going on (like a cousin's birthday on dad's side or something), and never once did I get a simple thank you from hubs or stepkids. I've thrown birthday parties, done pick ups and drop offs, etc.
I used to push him to make sure he got them on his set parent time days, because he'd totally slack off. Hubs and the kids mother were never married and never had a court order on visitation, they always worked it out on their own and what not. And it worked, as long as I pushed him (and mainly I pushed him so the bitch wouldn't keep filing for support modifications, because God knows, she'd use whatever excuse she could to rape him for more cash). When I stopped pushing him (basically because I was tired of arguing with him about HIS kids), they slowly stopped coming. Although, in the hubs defense, he had been working 2nd shift a lot and wasn't able to get them for visitation throughout the week. They sure weren't coming here when it was just me. They don't like me any way.
I can honestly say when the kids were younger, I tried really hard. But now that they are snotty teenagers, I'm just done. The oldest has said and done so much, I'm not sure I'll ever like her again. I'm not mean or rude to her, I just no longer go out of my way for her. I don't take her places; I don't do her any favors; I don't throw birthdays anymore (not that she'd want me to, she's 18 now).
I'm just over it. But I cannot stand the constant nagging from the kids' mother. It's always something. My stepson is a problem child. He's always in trouble. She's always calling saying how he did this or that. Now the school teachers are calling my hubs about his son. And hubs hasn't seen him in almost 6 months, other than Christmas.
Honestly, he doesn't even
Honestly, he doesn't even know where to begin shopping, which is the ONLY reason I helped at Christmas. I'm a bitch, but I really have no excuse for it. I'm not sure why I helped at Christmas. But guess what? SD and SS's birthdays are coming up, and guess who's NOT shopping for the stepkids? This girl. I'm just not helping out. My little's birthday is coming up and I'll be focusing on that instead.
Hubs wanted to tell me about SS's teacher calling him last week because "SS is out of control at school" - I just said "oh, ok" and that was the end of it. Hubs told me a few weeks ago that HIS kids are none of MY business, so I decided that since he said that (he always asked my opinion before), OK buddy. See how you feel when I do NOTHING AT ALL.
As far as hubs just as guilty for not being in their lives, No. He HAS reached out. He's reached out on numerous occasions. He's called. No response. He's texted. No response. Since the kids all have cell phones, and he gets no response, he's called their mother to talk to them. Nothing. He's so much as drove to their mother's house and conveniently, "they aren't home" says their mother. He's made arrangements with the kids and their mother for them to come visit, and they don't show up, or hubs offers to pick them up and they aren't home again.
Your situation is very close
Your situation is very close to what mine was when I first found STalk over 5 years ago. I too used to point out to DH what I thought about his (adult) kids and I finally realized that this just made him feel defensive towards them. I stopped commenting and it seemed like only then did DH start to see for himself and finally took action. He's come a long way and won't buy gifts or loan (give) money anymore.
Ok. I think we all pretty
Ok. I think we all pretty much in the same boat. It's this , get close and pull away scenario that through some off balance and it comes across as only staying in contact or showing an interest when they wasn't something. But I think it's the complete mind screw up BM has put in there heads that makes them think that that is all we want and will feel better by giving them stuff instead of been there for them when they need someone to rely on and talk to. . I try to just be positive but it's hard with a grumpy face from SD. I just want to slap it and say get over yourself. But clearly that won't help. So, it's kind of like saying suck it up buttercup, it's does not get better as long as BM is around to influence them. Sad. I'm going to have disfunctional people in my life forever, and I chose this.... They did not. I just can't believe there is no solution to this... Reality, engage when you have to. Disengage without been rude. You should be fine!
Same situation... Batshit hot
Same situation... Batshit hot mess BM, and bratty SD14.
Sd will BURN up his phone near birthdays and xmas. Easter as well, since MIL hands out a $100 to each grandkid. The rest of the time she gets back to him when convenient, when she's not busy. He has convinced himself it is normal teen behaviour, and not the manipulative, selfish behaviour it is.
I mean,
DH: SD, will you come over on Saturday?
SD: Yeah... ummmm... I'll let you know...
I asked him how he would feel if a friend did that? Waiting for a better offer? You're 14- what the hell else are you doing that you can't spend 5 hours with your dad once a month? I resent the shit out of her.
There is no set schedule, but it is loosely EOWE, which is more like 2x a month for 5-6 hours. I don't talk about anything anymore, makes him defensive, and hurts his feelings I never talk about her.
He had a light bulb moment this Christmas when I kept repeating how overly sensitive he was being and
s-p-e-l-l-e-d it out for him. I'm polite and nice when she is here, but out of sight out of mind. meh. BM still thinks she can control him, and while she doesn't dictate schedules, etc.. I know when she is emailing or texting bc he gets tense.
See, BM doesn't get her way and manipulates SD into believing that DH and I don't want her around. SD then is mean to her daddddddddddyyyyyyyy. He then kisses her ass to see her. ugly circle...
I don't do anything anymore. No groceries, driving, cooking, homework, advice, NADA. My stock answer? "Go ask your dad."
No juice in the fridge? Have wine or water- those are your choices...
This upcoming weekend? There is some social juggling he has not thought of. I'm not reminding him for the 50th time. We have to be somewhere adults only and SD has decided she wants to spend the night. Figure it out buddy. We paid ALOT of money fr these tickets. Stepping back has been my only saviour.
It starts early sds are 8 and
It starts early sds are 8 and 11, they already have this downpat. We saw them at xmas so they could get gifts. Sd8 brought a stomach virus that me and my 3 kids ended up with. My oldest daughter is 9 she landed in the ER because ahe was dehydrated. Then it was me and the baby next, shes 15 months and then my 13 yr old son. Gues who didnt get sick, dadddyyyy
Overall, I'm glad to hear I'm
Overall, I'm glad to hear I'm not alone.
I thought I was pretty much disengaged, but I'm clearly not as disengaged as I thought. From reading through these posts and thinking long and hard about this situation, I need to just stop being involved all together. Stop asking questions about the stepkids or their mother. When hubs brings these kids up, I will answer him so he knows I heard him, but I will no longer feed into this bullshit.
Maybe hubs will get the point sooner or later. Maybe not.
But what do you all do when stepkids directly affect your kids? I have two small children, very impressionable, and I don't want them affected by the stepkids. I made it clear to hubs that when HIS kids affect MY kids, that's when HIS kids will be MY business.