From the Stepkids point of view
Let me preface this by saying I know it doesn't apply to everyone on here. Some of you have great realtionships (like I do with SD13) with your stepkids. Some, not so much. Some kids, no matter how hard we try, just hate us.
For a period of time, during my previous life, I worked in the school system with behavior disorder kids as an aide. One of their projects (many of them had anger issues) was to write about what makes them angriest in their life. One of the students essays in particular struck me, and I held on to it for some reason. Here goes
What makes the the maddest. My stepmom. She married my Dad. I hate her. Mom and Dad might've (edited for spelling) loved each other again someday if she wasn't here. My mom hates her too.
My Dad doesn't live here anymore. He lives with her. Their house is nicer than ours. Mom says its because he makes so much money and she doesn't. If dad was here our house would be nicer.
Sometimes (edited for spelling) I need my dad. To kiss me goodnite like he used to. It makes me so sad and my stomach (sp) hurts because he'll never be here again.
When I go see him, she's always there. She acts so nicey nice and talks like grownups do when they think you are a baby or stupid. I hate her. My dad acts wierd now too.
We used to all go out to eat sometimes. Me, my sister, Mom and Dad. It was nice. I liked it. I liked how my dad smelled when he came home from work. And we got to buy more stuff then to. Mom says we can't now because we don't got any money.
I get really sad when mom goes in her bedroom (sp). She closes (sp)the door and thinks we don't know she's crying. But we hear her, and it makes me and my sister so sad. I wish stepmom would leave forever and ever. I hate her.
That was written by a boy in my class. A very angry little man. It's been a number of years (like 15) ago, and I don't clearly remember his age. Somewhere between 10 and 12 I think. And I know we all realize kids feel this way. But sometimes the written reminder smacks us in the face. It actually is one reason it took me so long (like, 4 years) to divorce my ex-couldn't stand the thought of my sons going thru this. But they did anyway.
Wow....
Thank you so much for sharing this.... Its a much needed reminder.... for me at least.
I think it all comes down to the parents
There is no doubt that a divorce or separation can hurt any children involved but to me it comes down to the parents with how much the children get affected. If they are civil enough to get along and make it as pain free for the kids as possible there will still be issues but nowhere near as many if the parents constantly put the other party and their partners down all the time.
Sometimes you only get one parent that tries to be mature but the other parent doesn't even know what the word means.
It's so sad knowing that a 10, 11 or 12 (whatever age) can feel like this. From what he has written it doesn't even have anything to do with the SM being mean to him either it's just that he wants his parents back together (understandable).
The other day my SS6 said to BF and I "I just don't know why you and mum can't live together", BF then said "What about Dani you'll never see her again, no more birthday presents from her, no more Dani reading with you etc..."
Well SS6 respond "You come and live at mum with us and on the weekends we can go and stay with Dani" lol.
If only it was that simple!
LOL...uh, no...on the
LOL...uh, no...on the weekends you go at visit your mom! My 5 yr old son has asked too why can't his dad live with us...and I said because I'm married to your stepdad...well why can't we all live here together...LOL..they don't understand all the grown things, so sweet & innocent!
How old
Is this young person?-no problem with valadation-context is important?
Step Parenting – you might need to step back before you step in something!
It's been long ago-like 15 years. I think he was between 10 & 12
"To Thine Own Self Be True" William Shakesphere
But I'm not certain. We had a program at the school called "STAR" where EBD kids from several grade levels came in once a day. They were all well below average achievers, and alot of it was because they acted out constantly. I got along with them, but they could not get along with their peers and had alot of difficulty in class.
And Dani's observation that it didn't have anything to do with how the SM treated him is true. Actually, I knew all parties involved-not well, but had met them all (not a big town), and they all seemed very nice.
I debated about posting this or not. Actually, I had forgotten all about it, until I was going thru papers this evening to get my resume together. It was in with some of my work history.
But, since everyone on here is suffering in some way from the fall out of a previous marriage, I thought, what the heck. We all discuss things from various viewpoints on here, so this is just a viewpoint from one little boy, who had a very difficult time dealing with his fathers' remarriage.
My SD blames me now too
In the beginning she idolized me and blamed BM for anything she disliked about life (or sometimes DH.) I was a saint on a pedestal. I knew that was unusual, but it was way before I knew what Borderlines were or how they think. I was in the elevated beyond normal category for about 2 years. Then it flipped and I was devalued and demonized beyond normal. Part of her mental issues.
Now what sucks is that for a long time I parented the same idolized or devalued. But going into year two since devaluing started, I am so burned out beyond belief that I am no longer a good SM to her. I do snap at her sooner. I do avoid spending time with her, I no longer do "Mom" things for her since she decided I only could be treated like a mom if I was entertaining or servicing her needs/wants somehow, or if she thought she could manipulate me.
There are days when I think we would all be better off if I took the boys and BD 2 and left.
I am going to post on this later in the week if I have time. I mentioned on another post that DH and I talked about everything the other night. He wants to do whatever it takes to keep our family under the same roof.
I'm really not sure how long that can continue at this point.
"Om Tare Tutare Ture Mama Ayurpunye Jnana Putin Kuru Svaha"
~Sita Tara Mantra
Oh, Sita, I'm so sorry
"To Thine Own Self Be True" William Shakesphere
Stepping is the hardest thing, isn't it? No matter what we do, how much we put ourselves on the line, it never seems to be enough. Whether skids just hate us because we're with their Dad, or whether the dads are guilt parenting like carzy, we're constantly finding ourselves backed into corners and having to fight as tho its for our very lives.
I hope things work out for you. Life is just too short to spend it in unhappiness and misery. I pray that there can be a happy ending here for you; your post just sounds so very sad.
Thanks...
It is the hardest thing. And I've been through a lot in my lifetime.
"Om Tare Tutare Ture Mama Ayurpunye Jnana Putin Kuru Svaha"
~Sita Tara Mantra
My DH
Had been apart from Bm for 8 years when I met him and SS still thought they were getting back together. Made me sad to read that and put it in the perspective of a child and the way they see things sometimes. Thankyou for sharing, I think that is is one side I never thought to look from. Way down low in the deepest part of the little guys hopes for his mum and dad, no matter how unlikely it was in reality, maybe he didn't see it that way
Catch xx
*Mean People Suck*
What I don't get is when a
What I don't get is when a child's parents split when they were too young to remember them ever being together in the first place, and somehow some of them still blame the step-mom. I think its just displaced anger & the parents need to explain that no matter who is or isn't in their parents lives that they will never be together again. Guess its easier to blame an outsider than your own parents. My parents split when I was 2. I have no recollection of them ever being together, both my stepmom & stepdad came into my life by the time I was 3 and I'm very close to both of them. So I guess it helps if the kids were very young when they split. Thankfully my hubby split with his ex when the kid was 3 and I split with my ex when my son was 3 also, so both kids are very accepting of the way things are...they don't know any different.
SD was 2 when DH and BM split
Like you, she really has no recollection of her parents being together. But she didn't get over it so quickly. When DH and I decided to get married when SD was 8 (we dated for three years, so I was NOT in the picture during the divorce), she started putting "notes" from BM in DH's mailbox. BM loved him still and they were going to be a family again, that kind of thing. Never mind that BM remarried when SD was 4 and had another child when SD was 6. In this case, it was pretty clearly a manipulation because SD didn't like me, not because she actually thought they would get back together.
my take
is that especially when a child is that young, the BM is so bitter about it all if the split wasnt her choice that she goes on and poisons the kid...i know this is true in my case anyway. sometimes it comes from the BM and what she is filling their little heads w. sometimes what the get when they are w dad and SM may be enough to overcome BM's brainwashing, and sometimes not. sometimes after being w mom and mom only for years and just visits w dad, they feel loyalty to mom. just my opinion and just some cases of course.
"Given the right reasons and the right two people, marriage is a wonderful way of experiencing your life."
~the late great George Carlin
I agree
Your comments were dead on Bella. My kids were SS18 months and SD3 years old when DH and BM split. DH left and filed the divorce papers. They were not married long as they married when BM was 5 months pregnant with SS. The children have no recollection of when they lived with their parents. They do not even remember the home that they lived in. I don't know if this is from blocking out some things, but there is no knowledge there. DH and I have been married going on 8 years and together for 10. The kids have only really known DH to be with me.
We had a great relationship until BM began her victim and poisioning act. The kids fell for it hook, line and sinker. I want to believe that they KNOW that BMis not all there, but what kid wants to admit that their mother is not right in the head. There is also the loyalty issue. I'm sure they feel that liking me is a betrayal to BM. I have assured them that I am not trying to take BMs place, just trying to provide the best care and life for them that we know how to. I do believe that they understand that, but at 12 and 13 they still wrestle with the loyalty and reality of things and THAT is hard to own up to. No matter how much they want to blame me, they KNOW that I always have their best interest and they also KNOW that BM does not. I think that has come with time and they will more than likely not reach full understanding until their latter teen years or early 20s. I do know that they know that their life would be much different, and not for the better, if they still lived with BM. They have actually admitted that. It's just frustrating and sad that we have to struggle through in the mean time.
Step Mother's Motto this week is:
You don't have to LOVE me, you don't even have to LIKE me... But you will RESPECT me.
Good point, Melis
My daughter was only 3 when we split up, and she is one of the
happiest, well-adjusted people you'll meet. She visits her
dad (realizes he's not very motivated to do lots of things, but
appreciates it), has tons of friends, plays sports, is an honor
student. She told me just the other day that she couldn't see
me staying with her dad; I'm very "Type A", and he's, well, just
happy to mosey along. (My daughter is 16, BTW).
So I agree with YOU. I think some people just have to blame
other people for their "misery". That totally sux.
"No one can make you feel inferior without your consent."-Eleanor Roosevelt
The blame game of divorce...
some kids blame mom, some dad, some blame themselves. Some blame the new wife or husband.
It's never really understood by a child that it's no one person's fault. It's our duty as parents to talk to our kids and help them understand this fact. Helps when both parents are accountable and don't encourage the blame game.
"For every ailment under the sun....There is a remedy, or there is none;
If there be one, try to find it; If there be none, never mind it." ~ W.W. Bartley
When young enough at the beginning Skids can be realists.
I have been StepDad to my now 16yo SS since before he turned 2yo. His Mom and I started dating when he was ~15mos old. My wife and BioDad where never married.
Periodically he would come home from Spermdonial visitation with the "Dad says it is not fair that ........." From the beginning rather than drop in to a tirade on his worthless POS BioDad I would ask him "What do you think?" then we would discuss it. Now at 16 he tends to be very defensive of his Dad and PaternalBioFamily when in our home and defensive of us when he is with them.
Probably not the optimal situation but we do not comment on them at all beyond asking SS how his visitation was and what things he did while there. During post visitation detox time (3-6wks) he will usually bring up things that disturbed him while he was there. "Dad really does not spend any time with any of us (he and his three fellow out of wedlock half siblings)", "BioPaternalGrandMa sure yells a lot", "You and Mom never let me get away with the crap that my younger brother(s) get away with".
The only consistently negative thing that he has been exposed to is when his BPGM call when he is on visitation to make travel arrangements for the next visitation or when she calls when he is home to make travel arrangements. We usually send him to his room or outside when those calls come in but the SpermFamily does not. In fact the last Court Hearing was a phone hearing and the actually had all four of the kids (my SS and his three out of wedlock siblings) in the room while the Court Proceeding was on the speaker phone. We heard my SS in the back ground and had to ask the judge to either have them remove the kid from the room or we would hang up. IDIOTS!
As he has gotten older he has developed a very analytical opinion system and uses it primarily when trying to comprehend his PaternalBioFamily.
I try to tell him that the best thing IMHO is for him to learn to love them even when he does not necessarily agree with the decisions they make or understand their actions.
I really do not know what else to say to him about "them".
Good luck and best regards,
Skids were under 2 when
Skids were under 2 when their bm left my dh. They do not have memories of their parents living together (from which I understand is a GOOD thing.. Lots of yelling and slamming, etc)..
Their bm remarried first.. then dh and I married about a year and a half later. The skids were 4 when I met them, and they dont really have a ton of memories from the earlier days, and those included me... I think they think I have been around always.. I am sure their bm tells them different.
They call their Stepdad, DAD, they call DH, papa, and they call me by my name. Not sure how they feel about me. Sometimes it seems like contempt, and other times they seem to like me. I am not trying to win any contests, I just want them to grow up w/manners, and knowing right from wrong. I am not popular when I enforce the house rules... Too bad.
My boss
was telling me that she hates her stepmom, even though she has known her stepmom since she was 8. This is a 40+ year old woman!! She thinks her SM tries to act too 'motherly' to her since her own mom died 10 years ago, and that if she wants to be motherly she should make her dad call my boss on her birthday. Dad is held blameless in this.?
She keeps saying, (to me, knowing I am a stepmom?) 'she's not my mom, and she never will be', and honestly sounds like a kid about it! She went further to say that if something happened to her dad she would never see her stepmom again. Does that seem a little extreme to anyone?
I told her don't worry, she doesn't want to be your mom - and if that's how you feel she will probably be okay with letting the relationship go when your dad dies. But are you sure, after you have known each other so long? I was shocked, really.
"A lie told often enough becomes the truth." - Vladimir Lenin
OMG Crayon
Is your BM the same as mine? Our BM has told countless lies about DH and I to the kids. We recently addressed the issues when the kids brought them up. Well of course our version was different than BMs. The kids confronted her on some things and she went ballistic and said that I was trying to "speak for her." When in actuality, I have almost chewed off my damn tongue keeping quite about the crap that she has spewed. So, we finally decided to address some of the issues and since the truth of her actions have come to light I am the problem. DH and I decided long ago to not speak with the kids about a lot of the craziness that went on during the custody battle and they would have never known until they were of age to understand and deal with the facts if she were not busy filling their heads with garbage so that she could get their sympathy. Seven more years, seven more years, seven more years. I just keep countint the days until the youngest is off at college.
Step Mother's Motto this week is:
You don't have to LOVE me, you don't even have to LIKE me... But you will RESPECT me.
My sons know that I left because I was unhappy being married
To their dad. They were so young I simply answered every "Why?" with a basic, "I was changing and growing apart from your dad, and he liked me the way I was better." Stuff like that. As they got older they would ask more detailed questions, and I would elaborate as they seemed ready to hear.
When BS 14 was about 9 a lightbulb went off over his head. He asked on New Year's Eve for some reason, perhaps wishing we could have all been having a little party together. I answered as usual, and the discussion grew more than previous ones. At one point he looked like I punched him, and said, "You mean it was all because of you?"
Ouch.
And I said, "Well honey, no. It takes two people willing to grow together, to accept each other, etc. I was changing from the very young woman your father had met, and that was hard on him. He tried and tried to change and grow with me, but we just were becoming very different types of people. He was ok with that, but I couldn't keep trying to be who he wanted me to be-to stay the young dependent person he had met. And I wanted to show my kids that it was ok to be alone, and better to be so than stay when you are so unhappy."
He thought a few minutes and said, "But you aren't happy now."
This is when I was going thru my break up with the MM, and my sons had no idea what was going on that was causing me so much pain.
That one hurt. And you know what?
That was my last New Years Eve alone. My son's comment was the beginning of my pulling myself out of the abyss of heartbreak.
I responded at that time with something like, "But I am happy. Right now is a little tough, but that happens when you're alone too."
And he said, "You're NOT alone mom. We all have each other."
Sigh.
I think all that ability to handle this so smoothly for my sons comes from SM, myself, exH and DH. SM and I made a tremendous effort to co-parent my sons, and though exH was not altogether sure he liked it that way in the beginning, it didn't take long for him to follow our lead. I think the fact that he was so hurt when I left him, and moved on rather quickly (and for the most part they're happy) helped a lot. It helped that SM is not a jealous person, at least anymore than every human is so, and I'm not jealous at all, and was relieved when she showed up to distract him into stopping his witch trial of me. My sons have seen all of us get along, from strained uncomfortable initial interactions, to now jovial story telling, inside jokes for all (that is to say most are between SM and me about how hard it is to live with exH, and he is now able to laugh at those things himself as well.)
It can be done. But the right puzzle pieces of personality and experience must be there.
"Om Tare Tutare Ture Mama Ayurpunye Jnana Putin Kuru Svaha"
~Sita Tara Mantra
My SS
Was 3 months old when they broke up and he still thought they would get back together :?
It would have to be things his mother put in his head, as to a 3 month old growing up in the house, he would have the picture that mum and dad don't live together and that would be it.
Catch xx
*Mean People Suck*