step kid diet
I'm new here, but have been reading and learning a lot from you guys for a couple of years now. I'm wondering how you all deal with the food that your step kids want to eat when they're at your house. When my ss8 gets here, he wants the same three things: pancakes, pizza and hot dogs...and his dad indulges him every time. It drives me nuts because I am a bit of an earth mama, and I always raised my kid (who now lives with his dad) with balanced meals. That doesn't mean we never ate frozen pizza or convenience food, but those kinds of meals were the exception, not the norm. I"m trying to avoid being a food nazi here. I just hate to see what poor nutrition my ss's dad encourages. He makes him pancakes for breakfast almost every day and feeds him cocoa puffs before school--for a kid who has ADD. I personally think it's lazy-ass parenting, and I try to remove myself from the whole thing, but I can't figure out how not to care.
I recently had a friend visiting with her kids, and they were eating oatmeal, yogurt, natural peanut butter, fresh fruit, fish, hummus, and raw veggies. It was embarassing to feed ss8 a breakfast of pancakes and sugar cereal (he wanted both) in front of them. (I fed him that because I offered to make his breakfast, and that's what his dad wanted me to make. If I hadn't done it, he would have, but we were trying to get out the door, so I offered). I felt like a neglectful parent doing that.
The ONLY thing that reassures me is that the kid doesn't live with us full time, so these bad habits aren't his regular diet--unless that's what his mother feeds him too. I don't know, as we don't have a relationship. I get the impression she has more variety in his diet, but he never asks for anything but crap here. I don't know if I'm looking for advice or just some simple solidarity here, but I have to vent. Also, his dad NEVER has him brush his teeth. So after a day where the kid puts sugar into his mouth from breakfast on, he goes to sleep with it basking on his teeth. I've tried to talk to DH about these issues, but he is very defensive and shuts me down right away. HOW DO I NOT CARE?
Snaggle tooth fatty,
Snaggle tooth fatty, hahahaha!!!!
Ugh the teeth thing! The
Ugh the teeth thing! The dentist always told me that kids don't have good enough dexterity to brush their own teeth until 9 or 10. So I always brushed my kids teeth (or did touch up brushing) until they were 9. I only stopped when they showed me their teeth and I was satisfied several times (I still do spot checks and they are 10 and 11). But oh my god! Sd10's mouth is so gross, her teeth are yellow, her breath smells like she ate something rotten, and she's always got plaque.
And this child is obsessed with candy. She literally drools and licks her lips whenever we go to the grocery store and we are in line with all those candies. She always asks for dessert. On more than one occasion when dh has told sd that she needs to eat her veggies she had hidden/thrown away her veggies. Once she tried "wipng her mouth" and spring out her veggies in the napkin. Another time she's tried "going to the bathroom" and spring it out into the toilet. She's also tried "drinking water" and spring her veggies in the cup. These aren't gross veggies, these are veggies that we've seen her eat, asked her to choose a for for dinner, grown them in her own garden, we've even down her broccoli with cheese sauce... it's no wonder she's 120 at 10 yo and barely racing 4 foot 6 inches tall
It's super hard to sit back
It's super hard to sit back and watch a parent fail at something so simple as teeth brushing. It's the easiest thing to do and it's beneficial to their health. BUT these dads don't ever want to make their kids mad. They want to be seen as the buddy.
It's not your job to enforce healthy eating into the child even though it's better for him. His dad is the only one who can influence him in a positive way. Until your husband changes, there's not much you can do except make yourself crazy! You just need to keep reminding yourself that.
When DH got custody of SD
When DH got custody of SD then 5, now 19, the only things she would eat were KFC, instant mash, and spaghettios with weeines.
It is possible to change the kid, but your DH needs to be on board. My SD is now 19 and is as fat assed as me. I am 40, wearing a size 18 pants. She is 19 in a size 19 pants, squeeqing into a 10. Poppin zippers and snaps and buttons, but it is not "her fault" the clothes are "cheap"
I have 2 bios who love veggies. OBS will chow on any meat in front of him. YBS will eat beans before touching a burger. OBS was that way before he learned that some meats taste good...esp when grilled. My DH had gastric bypass 2 years ago and has dropped over 200 lbs. We grill a lot...outside if the weather is good (we live in the South) or inside on the Foreman. I use different spices, which help.
What is happening with your SKID is not your problem, but you can help it cchange....keep trying.
I noticed that my SS only
I noticed that my SS only would wet his brush and then move it around in his mouth a couple seconds then rinse it. He's ten and already has had 2 cavities. I told DH this last year and he kinda just shrugged it off and didn't really respond. ( He prob used his go to excuse of "oh he's 9 what do you expect?") So this year during SS month visit I bring it back up and he says "Well why didn't you say anything to him or stand there while he brushed?" Uh what? Since when is that my job given you knew what was going on for all this time and never cared! Half the time he doesn't make him even brush before bed. Disgusting.
My kids had bacon, pancakes
My kids had bacon, pancakes ,fried eggs and grapes for breakfast this morning.. I cooked it all. Too bad, so sad.
All home cooked meals here. No hummus. Lots of beans,Regular peanut butter. Fish beer battered and deep fried. No sugar cereal but fake syrup on pancakes. Chicken piccata with angel hair for dinner. No you aren't better with your hummus and raw veggies. It just really really seems that way.
It's not a "pissing" contest.
It's not a "pissing" contest. It's the OP's view on food. She's not trying to one up by being healthy. Please give her a break.
Clearly her husband doesn't
Clearly her husband doesn't agree with feeding HIS kid HER way. So best to just let it go.
His kid, his choice.
Not making the kid brush his teeth is poor parenting. Not being an "earth" parent isn't.
Agreed Disney, it was more
Agreed Disney, it was more the I fed my kids fry up and your way is not better comment.
But Strength is right.
But Strength is right.
Plenty of people cook the way Strength cooks, I sure do. That doesn't mean you're a lazy parent. It doesn't mean those who eat natural/organic are better parents.
"When my ss8 gets here, he
"When my ss8 gets here, he wants the same three things: pancakes, pizza and hot dogs..." That to me is lazy parenting. Not what you or Strength talk about as a meal being prepared, not whipped out a fast food place/ pre prepared packet every single meal. It's one of those things people have differing opinions on. Same as I believe every meal should not be coco pops/ 2 minute noodles. I don't do complete organic - it's not affordable in Africa, but I do believe society in general has been given so many cheap easy options of instant food that they no longer make a home cooked thought out meal.
It's so easy to walk in to a shop and buy a jar/ packet of purity baby food instead of getting a butternut, peeling it, boiling it and jarring it. It's an opinion though
Actually, unless your kids
Actually, unless your kids are very active and stay that way, they will end up overweight. That diet has a lot of fat in it.
Just because someone eats healthy, does not mean that they think they are 'better' than someone else. They just may be more aware of what they are putting in their body and choose to live that way.
I don't think there is a
I don't think there is a problem with her breakfast either, if all the fried stuff isn't an everyday occurrence.
It's difficult to compare fresh fruits and vegetables with bacon and deep fried fish though.
CTBB37 must have some major
CTBB37 must have some major horse teeth because he never, ever brushed but is teeth are straight and white. (I'm sure he brushes now he's married/employed lol). I forced him to when he was with us, I was so MEAN! I cannot stand bad breath.
Thanks so much for
Thanks so much for responding! Yeah, I'm really trying to be reasonable about the food thing. Strengthh's breakfast sounds like something I would happily eat--at least there was protein in it! It's not about being all organic and hippy natural. It's about the extreme of only feeding your kid crap, all the time, then getting defensive when confronted with it. I think the message I'm getting from you guys is that unless DH is on board, there's nothing I can do, so I just have to look the other way and start saving pennies for the future dental bills. I wish there was a way to get him to come around. Not my circus, not my monkey, right?
My SD has had so many
My SD has had so many cavities. She had to be under full anesthesia at 4 years old for dental work! All because she was allowed to eat a non stop crap diet. I know what you mean about embarrassing. When kids get to be a certain age, maybe 9 or 10 or 11 and they can only eat fast food and processed food and junk food , it is embarrassing. Such as going to some ones house for dinner and a reasonably normal typical meal is served but the kid can't eat any of it. Or not being able to go to certain restaurants , or going when invited as part of large group/ party but the kid is making special requests, ordering off the kids menu but multiple meals. It is all very embarrassing.
I would say you definitely can't do anything is H isn't completely behind it. And even if he is, depending on what type of visitation he has, he may not even be able to do anything as they will refuse to eat and hold out til they get to their mother.
My SS15 is over 300lbs and
My SS15 is over 300lbs and around 5'6. Skids come over every other weekend and I can tell you it is not a battle worth fighting. I cook healthy meals, fresh vegetables, fruits, legumes, grains..the usual. When they come over for a week at a time in the summer SS15 loses 10lbs. BUT as soon as his ass hits his mothers front door he gains 20lbs back. She has taken up a campaign (no joke) to feed the kids as awful as possible..to show the kids that her house is completely different from my house..long story short BM is jealous and a complete nut case.
If you can't cook the way you would normally then don't cook for the kid! even if you are in a hurry don't volunteer! I wouldn't be cooking a damn thing if my DH or Skids tried to dictate what was for dinner. Sure they get input when I make the menu out BUT I am the one doing the shopping and cooking.
Oh lord, the food thing!
Oh lord, the food thing! That can be a hot button topic among moms - let alone smoms. For what it's worth, our pediatrician says to pay attention to what a kid eats in the course of a week. Any one meal - or even any one day - isn't terribly important. And our pediatric dentist has told us that sugar in and of itself isn't the enemy - sticky stuff (fruit roll ups, caramel, most chips - anything that sticks to the teeth and doesn't dissolve that easily) is what's bad for teeth.
In any case, I do agree that DH is the one who has to make changes. Does your DH ever take the kids to the pediatrician? If so, perhaps a quiet phone call to suggest the doctor be the one to talk to him about their diet might be in order. He's far more likely to listen to the doctor.
But to answer your question of "how do I not care?", I'd say you have to figure out why you DO care first. Do you feel it's a reflection on you somehow? Do you see budding health issues and you love SS and want him to be healthy? Do you foresee a future of increased medical/dental expenses that will affect your household? Any one (or more) of those is legit. If you can tell us WHY you care, perhaps we can help address THAT, or help you frame it to DH so he doesn't see it as an attack.
Okay--this is helpful, just
Okay--this is helpful, just to see what you guys deal with. I guess my ss could end up like Pinki's--and there's nothing I can do about it. You're right though about not cooking for the kid. If his dad is okay with eating crap, and he wants to cook the crap himself, then I can just take myself out of it. And yes, if he's with his mom most of the time, the damage that happens here would be minimal. I can totally see a scenario, though, where we send him back to his mom after spending vacation with us and he's gained ten pounds, and I guess I don't want to feel responsible for that. Am I?
In response to why I do care--I guess it's because I love the kid, but I have to admit that maybe this is also a control issue for me. I hate that. I know I have issues with thinking, "well my way is better, so why won't you just do it my way?" which is KNOW is bad ;p I'll work on that.
Oh, and just to clarify, Sally, I do know what my own kid eats because he lived with me until his teens and I have a good co-parenting relationship with his dad. He actually has an amazing stepmother who loves to cook, so, lucky kid, he eats really well over there. Of course, his good diet is supported by his dad, so their whole household is down with it. My household is so fragmented in comparison. I find it depressing. Nothing will change until DH changes. The one thing that someone mentioned is getting his pediatrician involved. There might be some hope there…? What AllySkoo's pediatritian said about sticky food is useful. It drives me nuts that his dad lets him have a soda with dinner then sends him to bed without brushing. But he could be eating fruit roll-ups, and that would be worse, lol!
Thanks for your comments. If nothing else, just venting to people who get it is enormously helpful.
I'm sorry, but when I hear
I'm sorry, but when I hear about a kid weighing a couple of hundred pounds, I can't help but think of the word 'neglect'.
Hey, I'm actually glad that
Hey, I'm actually glad that you revived this thread as I am now dealing with my stepson who is very picky at food... He was on a diet and now is holding onto it still. I understand him completely, but his diet is very strict! I am trying to convince him to try a new diet, much lighter... like the keto diet that helped me lose weight a year ago, with the help of https://kitodiet.me/ . But he says that his diet is much better. Well, it is better if you wanna starve... How can I persuade him to at least try my diet and not get in a big fight with him?
Yep
It must be men, Disneyland dads in particular. The skids here are indulged in pizza, donuts, pancakes, McDonald's, choc milk and cola every weekend. They know at dads they have what they want. It's a learned behaviour.
The only time they eat decently is if I cook and bargain without them to eat their veggies. Like trade off dessert if they finish them (which they do because they love dessert)
DH thinks they're just fussy, but at BMs they eat what they are given or go to bed, and eat fruit everyday. She would never give them soft drinks...
I have an element of not caring when I see them guzzling down cola, but there is a part of me that feels sorry for them as they don't know any better.
We have a bio, and I most certainly won't be allowing him any of the crap the skids eat. I don't want him to feel like there are two sets of rules but what choice is there.
The best you can do is offer a healthy alternative and try to get them to try some new foods. If not, it's not your problem to fix anyway. Eg. DH says they don't eat fruit, I cut fruit and leave it on the table and guess what, they eat fruit.
DH used to honestly forget to get them to brush their teeth. I have reminded them that as soon as pjs are on it's teeth and they do it. Now DH kind of has it in his head like that too and doesn't forget. Routines!
But remember, you don't have to save them. That's their parents job.