Step daughter dictating to dad
My husband and I have been married for 6 years and he has a 10 year old son and 15 year old daughter. I thought everything was going well for the last few years because we have never experienced any conflict or backlash from the children. I thought I had a great relationship with my step daughter because she normally talks to me about her life and many times when I go to the store she always wants to go with me or when I am in my room she will come and sit with me etc. until this Christmas for the first time ever she just didn’t get me anything, normally she would at least get a card. My husband and I were pregnant at the time (we just had a baby this week) so I thought it may have something to do with it.
The children spent a week with us for Christmas break and then left Saturday. The baby was born Monday, my stepkids came to meet their sister in the hospital and I did notice my step son was extremely excited where as my step daughter was in different. On Wednesday she wrote a father a text saying she doesn’t want to come for visitation and she won’t come and she will Let him Know which days she chooses to come from now on. She said because at our house she doesn’t have as much freedom and social Life as she would like to. My husband told her that wasn’t acceptable that she has to come since it’s court ordered and that they can discuss her concerns when she gets here. Well my step daughter refused to come and her mother said she won’t force her. Her mother hates me and that we are happily married and has always tried to poison the children against both me and their father. My step daughter then dropped off a letter stating that she doesn’t like me and never has because she feels that I have the final decision in our home . She said she has been fake the last few years of our relationship. This completely took us by surprise. She also said she will only come
On certain days but not on the custody schedule and that it’s her decision and that’s what she will do.
I have no idea what has got into her, she normally is very respectful and has certainly never refused to
Listen to her father. BM did try to get custody modified in April
Based on sd getting older and needing more freedom
But the judge denied it and told bm that she is being played because she lets the children do what they want and we have a more structured family with rules etc.
I don’t know how to even interact with her from now on? Do I disengage? I feel completely hurt and betrayed. I’m So thankful for my new born and would rather focus my energy on her but this is really upsetting.
I think you are learning what
I think you are learning what so many SMs on here have learned- that all your hard work building relationships sometimes over many years really comes to nothing. The issue of the CO is really for DH and his ex to sort out- you have to acceptthat whatever they decide you have to accept- you also have to accept that this young woman is asserting her independence (albeit with BM's influence) and beginning to make choices that you may not like. Concentrate on your new baby and let the circus go on around you- that's my advice.
Congrats on the new baby
Congrats on the new baby
Teen girls can be obnoxious creatures. Little drama queens. What your SD is saying is she could talk her Dad into letting the girl run and do (no rules and lots of freedom) if it weren't for that party pooper SM.
Some COD teen girls are probably accurate with that thought. Fathers get a lot of fear about losing their children, or their child won't like them anymore and suddenly he turns to Disney Dad unless SM sits down on him.
Your teen is wrong that she can make her own decisions. But she's reached that age where if forced to come she can and very well may make your home miserable with her theatrics. Perhaps Dad and her can sit down and work out a schedule. I have no clue what the current schedule is, but if it is something like every other weekend Friday after school until Sunday evening, that really blows a 15yr old female's social life, school sponsored activities/sports and whatnot to all heck.
She's perhaps freaked over having a new baby sibling too. I mean, eeewwwww, her father has sex. LOL. And then there's the baby adjustment in the home where baby sleeps, needs tons of care and attention and CRIES half the night. Not to mention they pee, poop and spit-up. Not a lot of 15yr olds going to find all that cool.
What I absolutely would not do if her father is call the shots nor choose to not have any visitation. She gets to do that at 18, not 15. Maybe visitation can be rearranged and/or done a bit differently. Dad may be willing to work with her to an extent. Just remind before their talk that no final decisions will be made until he discusses the ideas with you. It's your home too and you have a little boy (SS) and a brand new baby whose needs and attention must also be taken into consideration.
There was another member here with a teen SD who wrote the SM a 'you are a b*tch and I've faked it all these years' letter. I think the member is still here under a new user name. She may pop in to share some thoughts. There was also a member here who left the site where in that situation the kid was so PAS'd by the mother and the kid would run out the back door and hid when his father came to pick the teen up. That member and her husband finally just 'dropped the rope' after many thousands of dollars in court .
You focus on your new baby, let the parents and the teen work this out. However, if the young lady decides to grace your home with her presence again, she needs to sincerely apologize for her attack on you and her disrespectful behavior. But that's something else teen females aren't very good about. Giving genuine sincere apologies.
Your replies to posts are so
Your replies to posts are so helpful and insightful twoviewpoints
I lived very similar
I lived very similar experiences not long after our son was born. We received a manifesto from Sd15 via text explaining how much she hates me and her father and how 7 years of blending was "faked." That was right after Christmas of 2016 and she hasn't spent the night here since.
You can't fix anything because you didn't break it. It's much easier to disengage at least when her sour face and attitude aren't dark clouds gathering in your home.
I felt betrayed, hurt and angry and still do. If she matures one day and reaches out to apologize, I may be able to have some sort of relationship with her. But that's looking like a big if and it's entirely on her.
Just focus on your baby and be there for your husband as he feels hurt, betrayed and angry, too.
THanj you everyone for your
THanj you everyone for your insight. If I do disengage what does that look like on a day to day basis? How do you go from years of mothering and loving a child to just not caring? I would like tkfoxus on my daughter but can’t help but feel so hurt and betrayed. I don’t even know how to move on from this as far as my relationship with sd. It even has me questioning ss who I have always felt much closer to since he was so young when I started dating dh. He hasn’t done anything but I can’t imagine having to invest in him too only to find out a few years from now that it’s all been for nothing. We live in Louisiana and have chosen to stay here because of the children. We may have the opportunity to move to Maryland and I’m wondering especially after these events if we should go. I just feel so bad for ss, he adores his dad and now is so excited about his new sister , feels Like he would end up suffering the most if he didn’t get to see his dad as much. He gets sad if his dad can’t make a fame etc. but at the same time I just can’t bare to continue living like this. It’s one thing to deal w crazy bm, I can’t imagine now that I will have to deal w my sd negatively as well.
congratulations on the new
congratulations on the new baby.
"she feels that I have the final decision in our home."
well, you do. you are the woman of the house.
the h*ll with sd. she is a child. does she think she is the woman of the house? she probably thinks she is. the little mini wife has to get a wake up call.
one of my sds tried to be the woman in daddieeees life. she disapproved of how i decorate the house, the choice of paint, the choice of tile.
who did she think she was. daddys wife thats what.
it took years to put her in her place as she reached adulthood thanks to her father misplacing his testicles.
it finally took place woman to woman when she threatened me with bodily harm. a well placed and well chosen insult stopped her dead in her tracks. i went straight for the verbal jugular. and it worked.
i never had problems with her again. it was amicable with us from that time on. too bad her father did not step in to defend me as his wife. i had to defend myself. the insult was cruel and cut to the bone but i had to do it. the man who should have been my champion was cowering in a corner.
she should have never tried to match wits with me. she lost.
Ooooo i would love to know
Ooooo i would love to know what you said to her!
lets just say it was a very
lets just say it was a very personal comment. her dress size was at least four sizes bigger than mine.
I know this hurts but
I know this hurts but concentrate on your baby girl. Suddenly this girl has a sister and someone she will have to share with her father. Which really speaks to how she is raised that she is Daddy's only girl. I think this plays into this situation likely being fed by BM.
Concentrate on your daughter. If SD doesn't want to come over DH needs to sit down with her at Starbucks somewhere and ask her what visitation she wants. Maybe he sees her for 2 hrs once a week at Starbucks. He buys the coffee and cake. And this is ALL she gets. No additional time for the mall or shopping. No handing over cash to go out with her friends or if he does it is actually less than he would previously give her. EG: He would give her $20 to go out with friends now she gets $15.
DH tells BM that as their daughter refuses to come for her court ordered visitation his ex can forget about any additional money for CS because SD is spending more time with BM. He is open to SD coming over, the situation in his home hasn't changed only SD being a teen and difficult. SO no more money for BM (and this may tilt BMs attitude).
If SD refuses to communicate with her father then all additional funds stop. You take SS to a theme park or a movie or vacation. SD does not get the equivalent in money. If she wants to come along on a fun vacation she needs to get back on an amended visitation track and she cannot attend any vacation with you all without a counselling session.
As she gets older she will want to spend time with her friends and visitation can cramp a teens style. So DH should work on an amended timetable. But this does not mean SD gets to call all the shots. If she has been fine up until now I think the new baby girl and lax BM is the source of the problems. Not to mention being a nasty meangirl with her letter. The thing she doesn't realize right now is that letter is written out and it will take a LOT of attitude change and demonstration of her good intentions to trust her again.
My OSS went off the rails when he decided he wanted to party more than study. He blew a Goodrich college scholarship with his partying. We seldom saw him from 16 -19. His mother told him "You always have a place with me" and did not put any effort into cramping his style. He wanted a vacation job. So he got a job at a stadium at the other end of the city over summer which meant he 'needed a car'. Never mind I lined him up with a supermarket job 3 miles from his mothers place. And another supermarket even closer was looking for summer hires. No, he had this awesome job. But he needed a car. I refused to contribute to that.
BM kept his cell phone on even though he was tanking on exams etc. My kid would have been told "No stadium job and your grades are As & Bs or no cell phone." But she wanted him to learn with 'life lessons'. Well that life lesson track taught him that driving drunk and running into the yard of your old elementary school one block from your mothers place with drug paraphernalia on your back seat makes you end up in jail and then a 2 yr Drug Court program. And if your friend's tell you that smoking MJ the day before a scheduled drug test will not build up in your system enough to register, well they really haven't a freaking clue.
Now my OSS is working full time and back in school. He has a nearly 2 yr old son he takes care of (sharing care with the baby's mother, they are no longer together}. He is a success story. He visits us and spends time with his Dad. He is very nice to me now. It can happen. I think the secret was DH let his son know he is loved by him but he wasn't about to bend over and give in to everything he demanded. Visitation ... DH couldn't enforce. But buying and spending and monopolizing? No, that was not happening.
What I don’t understand is we
What I don’t understand is we already went to court back in April because sd wanted lesss visitation to have a social life but the judge refused to change it. It is all court documented. I don’t understand how this is legal? How can she just say she’s not coming and that’s it? We could file for bm to be held in contempt and for custody to be enforced but we just spent $4000 in April fighting for this and all was well until all of a sudden it’s a problem again. Dh and I have joint accounts so I just don’t know if it’s worth it to have part of my hard earned money spent on lawyers again. But dh doesn’t want to lose his daughter.
Congrats on your new little
Congrats on your new little bundle!
You are lucky that SD is not wanting to come over and infect your home with her negative attitude. Try to be grateful for that! She's not worth your tears or bad feelings. And if she's faked your entire relationship, good that you know this now... work on keeping her out of your life because that was a truly nasty move on her part, and who needs nasty people around?
The truth is that in some parts of the world, she is an adult. As such, you all should start dealing with her as an adult - in all aspects (not giving her extra money, require her to get a job, hold her to high standards). DH's fear of losing his daughter is a real possibility, and he'll just have to get over it. He may lose her... he may not. If he has a bad relationship with BM, that's always been a possibility. That is not your concern either. Encourage him to treat his daughter more like an adult and come up with a fair schedule for when they'll see each other. Tell him - gently - that a tried and true parenting tactic is to give her two choices for a visitation schedule that works for YOUR family and she can choose from those two...then you and your DH come up with two choices that makes sense. Sunday lunch? Early Friday night dinner every other weekend? You get the idea.
Assure him that this is temporary and she'll come back *although that may or may not be true.*
...and enjoy your new baby without the presence of a sullen, jealous teen in your home. Also, call him out when he is "chasing" her because she'll try to control him that way and his whole life (and by extension, yours) will be spent chasing what he can't have. Human nature.
And please girl, don't condone spending any more of your joint funds on court for HIS kids. You have your own child now. That child should be your ONLY concern along with your MARRIAGE. (((hugs)))
Congratulations on your new
Congratulations on your new baby!
I think this has less to do with how your SD actually feels about you and more to do with the different parenting styles between households. SD thinks she has more freedom as BM's (maybe she does) and what teenager doesn't want more freedom, whether they can handle it or not. I'm betting you and your DH actually have rules and maybe even chores at your home. The horror!!! She is making a bid to play DH and BM against one another so she can make her own rules. You are the easiest target for being the bad guy, but try not to take it personally. Even teens in intact homes will favor the parent who lets them get away with stuff.
Kids nor CPs get a choice on
Kids nor CPs get a choice on compliance with the visitation schedule. Every time SD-15 does not show for visitation your DH needs to file a contempt motion against BM since she is the CP she must deliver the kid on time for visitation.
Lather, rinse, repeat. Get BM in front of a judge and see how SD responds when her mommy gets her ass handed to her for violating the CO.
IMHO of course.
Good luck.
this is such excellent
this is such excellent advice.
in my case the bm lived in a very small town.
and the man who would be enforcing the co was the bms lover tuned husband. (bm cheated with a married man who divorced his wife to marry her.)
every one in the tiny courthouse was a personal friend of bm and her husband.
may not work in all cases.
Do you live close to BM?
Do you live close to BM? Does SD have friends in your town? Kids this age get bored if they don't have peers to play with. If she doesn't have friends near your house encourage her to bring a friend from BM's town for the weekend for a sleepover. Once in a while, maybe they could be treated to a movie or roller skating or something. That's what my ex and I did with our kids.
and there you have it.....
and there you have it..... it's not about the baby, it's not the BM... it's all the SD,
Your relationship to her Dad was never a problem cause she believed she's the Queenbee in the house, you are just visiting, Dad will eventually leave you like he did with mum.... then you got pregnant and it sort of kicked in with SD, you are not going any where, she will never be the alpha female in the house.... hence her changing.
At least she's honest and said she pretended all the time... believe her on that. Also believe that BM is encouraging her to disengage from you and DH......
Now seems to me your DH is good people, he's not leaving it to SD to decide how things will be, he simply tells her you have no say in visitation, CO stated.... DH should keep this and well either she visits or he files contempt against BM, but personally I would tell DH - leave SD be, she will come around, let her deal with everything and do not force her to come and visit, the resentment will grow, if SD wishes to disengage from us, let it be, we disengage then as well, you call and text her, if she ignores you so be it, but she will not get a birthday gift or Christmas gift then either, it's her choice to ignore us, she must learn to live with her life's decisions.....
read the link below and this is how you can disengage from her, focus on your baby - and congrats on the baby
http://www.steptogether.org/disengaging.html