Step children in bedroom
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<p>Girlsfriend has two children 8 and 5. They have had a rough go at life to start. They have a separate bed set up in our room. They have to have their mom lay down with them most nights this leaves me in our bed 10 feet away alone. This is starting to take a toll on me. Its interrupting our sex life. Its been 3 months they have been living in the house now. They have their own room that has their beds and TV they have not slept in it yet only once when their mom slept with them. Help!!</p><p> </p>
No.. if her kids can't sleep
No.. if her kids can't sleep in their own room.. then she is not ready to date.. much less be living with you.
Move the beds out of your
Move the beds out of your bedroom. Tell GF that if she wants to sleep with her kids she can do that in their room- put your foot down.
Then, if that is where she actually decides to sleep instead of being in a healthy relationship- time to move on. Make sure you are using protection- don't let yourself get "trapped" in a situation where she is knocked up and you don't feel like you can leave.
I love her dearly this is
I love her dearly this is just a huge problem with me. How would you adress this isnan issue with her without causing a fight
I'm not going to guarantee
I'm not going to guarantee that it won't cause a fight.. but if you have a good relationship with this woman you should be able to discuss something as important as bedroom setup.
Pick a time when you are both non-stressed to discuss it. Tell her plainly that the current set up is not working. Have your reasons clear.
1. It's not healthy for your relationship with her to have her children sleep in the same room.
2. It is not healthy for her children to not sleep in their own rooms either. They need to learn how to do this.. it is part of growing up and becoming independent little people.
3. Kids in the bedroom mean that you don't have privacy that You personally need. You should not have to worry about that.
If her kids aren't ready to sleep independently.. she needs to spend time to make that happen.. right now it is the easy/lazy way to allow them there.. and it is going to end now. I
^ This exactly. Approach with
^ This exactly. Approach with logic and love. You want what is healthy for everyone. You have the right to privacy in your home. You should be able to be intimate with your GF. You should NOT be doing that with kids in the room.
Are they the same sex? if so
Are they the same sex? if so they can share a room and a bed if it's That serious. They are too old to be sleeping with adults in my opinion.
Yes both of the same sex.
Yes both of the same sex. They have a room downstairs with bunk beds. A TV Xbox and Nintendo will.
Remove the electronics (no
Remove the electronics (no child needs screens) and get them back into their beds. No child needs screens to sleep.
Remove the electronics (no
Remove the electronics (no child needs screens) and get them back into their beds. No child needs screens to sleep.
Remove the electronics (no
Remove the electronics (no child needs screens) and get them back into their beds. No child needs screens to sleep.
Certainly at 8 and 5.. they
Certainly at 8 and 5.. they should not be as afraid as to sleep with each other for company in the room by themselves. what are they doing at their dad's house?
Hes a deadbeat. He takes them
Hes a deadbeat. He takes them on Sunday for a few hours. They are scared to stay the night with him.
Also are you sure their bio
Also are you sure their bio dad wouldn't take them more if they weren't scared to stay with him? Is there a reason they should be afraid?
No he wouldn't I dont think.
No he wouldn't I dont think. He was verbally and physically abusive to her in front of the children
Is there a reason why they're
Is there a reason why they're afraid? Could it be an abuse situation? Boundary issues is a huge red flag for abuse.
Yeah i agree. They won't be
Yeah i agree. They won't be alone in their room, they are together, so the whole "afraid" thing is kind of BS unless their mom has conditioned them to believe they should be, or if they have a history of being abused while together in a room maybe. If abuse is the case they need therapy.
Maybe she could tuck them in in their room and read to them for 15-20 minutes so they get sleepy, then say goodnight and come to your room.
Yes both of the same sex.
Yes both of the same sex. They have a room downstairs with bunk beds. A TV Xbox and Nintendo will.
Please do not be angry with
Please do not be angry with me for bringing this up but is it possible it is her way of avoiding sex with you? It is just something that crossed my mind. Best wishes.
I dont think thats it at all.
I dont think thats it at all. We find a way to do it. Just would much rather be able to do it in the privacy of my own bed
Children over the age of
Children have no business in the bedroom unless they are sick or having nightmares and even then it's better to go be with them in their room. However your girlfriends behavior is not unusual and has become the norm these days. Get used to it.
Normally I'm supportive of
Normally I'm supportive of people on this forum and I don't necessarily agree with kids being in the bed/bedroom. I don't think it's healthy however you seem entirely selfish and only concerned about yourself and getting sex. Please remember you are in a home where there are children who live there who are not yours and should be prioritized before your sexual needs. I can understand kids not coming first when it comes to major decisions and minor ones like what to eat, what to watch on tv, and decisions that effext your sleep, finances, etc. but it seems you are only concerned about your sexual needs. Do you think your girlfriend sense this about you?
Lol I don't get the vibe he's
Lol I don't get the vibe he's just concerned about his sex life... I think him and gf sharing a room with her kids is affecting their relationship, their intamacy, their time to be a couple. And this is coming from someone who 100% supports cosleeping.... with SHARED children #1 and with it ending at a certain point of age #2 (for sure by 5 and 8 they are old enough to sleep "alone" in their own room together). SO and I cosleep with our shared 1 year old and will with new baby but we accept that it does impact our relationship but we're willing to do what we see is best for the kids since it's just a small chapter in our forever toferher. However, I can't imagine sharing a bedroom and having it affect my relationship with children that old that are not mine
1. This is my home that I
1. This is my home that I went from myself to having 2 children in the bedroom. Even when I had my child living at home she was never allowed to sleep in the bedroom. I put the children before all my need on every spectrum. I went from living a free to do whatever lifestyle to having young children again which I am 100 percent ok with. But when we go to bed and want to have sex and have to go out of the room not to wake them that become a problem after awhile. I should be able to do as I please in the privacy of MY bedroom.
Relationships involving
Relationships involving children from previous relationships are difficult. They tend to come with a multitude of problems and baggage. Biological moms are very attached to their children and often prefer them to their partner. That is how strong the bond is. People who marry someone with kids often feel like a third wheel and this is why. The bond is that strong. You could always talk to your gf about them sleeping in the bedroom however I'm willing to bet she enjoys having them in there, even more so than having her partner in there even if she does not admit it. It is something that causes problems in these situations and is very very common.
Nope
You are allowed to have privacy in your own bedroom. Kids are not the center of the universe and adult needs matter too. These kids are old enough to sleep in their own bedrooms and if she absolutely wants to sleep with them, she can go in their bedroom. However, I don't think that maintaining the kids in this dependent state is healthy. Sometime, parents do things "for" their kids while in fact, they are just trying to appease their own anxiety and their own inability to deal with their kids mild disconfort.
I had to fight very hard to keep the skids out of our bedroom (I do not want them there AT ALL), but it's worth the fight. They went from barging in whenever they pleased, jumping on the bed, going through drawers, purse, etc, to not being allowed to set foot in the master bedroom. I'm loving it.
How did you obtain this?
How did you obtain this?
You tell gf you need a
You tell gf you need a private space in your home, which is master bedroom and bathroom. You tell her you fear kids barging in on something inappropriate, like you getting dressed. Any normal mom, who is living with a man that's not the father, would protect her children from seeing such a thing.
Yep, i had to set this
Yep, i had to set this boundary for that very reason. I don't want my SO's 10-year-old son to see me naked. Again. If OP's gf is like most people these days, the kids probably get the run of the house and the living room, kitchen, dining room, and all other areas are basically playrooms. There has got to be one place you can have privacy and peace. And yes, sex. The kids don't need to be involved in everything that goes on in the house!
It took some time. I've been
It took some time. I've been living with my BF for 16 months and it been a problem up to very recently. The skids were previously raised in a kid-centered home without much boundaries and the concept of adults having needs and rights was new to them ...and apparently to their father. At the beginning, my BF was upset whenever I would go in our bedroom and close the door. He just couldn't understant how someone would not want to be around his kids 24/7/365 or not want his kids all over their personnal stuff. I tried to tell him that I needed my kid-free zone, but he wouldn't understant my need and wouldn't enforce it. He would constantly invite his kids into our bedroom/master bathroom for futile reasons and wouldn't kick them out when they were inviting themselves in. Therefore I had to be the bad guy. Recently, I've had enough and I decided to put my foot down more firmly. I do not ask for my kid-free zone anymore, I impose it. I told him that his kids have a room all to themselves and that there is no reason why I shouldn't have any personnal space. I had to educate my BF about the fact that it isn't always easy to be around someone else's kids and that sometimes, I need a break. I also had to educate him about the needs of a childless introvert who needs a personnal space, her privacy and her quiet time. This seemed like a new concept to him, but he's starting to get it.
Yep. I feel the same way. The
Yep. I feel the same way. The kids have the whole rest of the house. Most people's living rooms and kitchens are pretty much playrooms. We need one place to relax! I enforce it with my BD too, because fair is fair.
If not stopped
Then at age 23 they will lay on YOUR bed talking with Daddy. Your things could go missing. You won't have privacy.