SS16 threatens suicide when he dosent get his own way
Has anyone had any experience with their skid doing this? Our back story is sooo long, but the long and the short of it seems to me as SS16 is highly manipulative and uses this threat as a way to keep people (his father and by default, me)catering to his whims.
His BM has put a restraining order on her own son so she is totally out of the picture re her parental obligations (and giving us a break)....but I get soooooo resentful of SS16 in that despite his shitty behavior(gets suspended from school like he's eating lollies among other things)and when challenged or given consequences, he acts out by threatening and gathering up and contacting all the local services for young people. He knows the system and seems to use it to his advantage to get things to go his way.
Call 911 next time he
Call 911 next time he threatened suicide. I treat all threats seriously. It will either stop that crap or force him to get help
SS16 says the threats to a
SS16 says the threats to a CAMS youth worker- Children and Adolescent Services after making his own appointment to see them as he is now 16. He says it to them in their appointment so they are aware of whats going on. They in turn ring my DH (but they cant say everything to him in detail as they have to respect SS16's confidentially).
This behaviour seems to go in cycles and is a way for him to avoid taking responsibility for things that are going on in his life. It has all been noted but no intervention has taken place. He is currently behind in school work as he hasnt been attending (sick?) but isnt sick enough to spend the entire weekend at his boyfriends house (despite being suspended from school that week).
oh I see. . ..
oh I see. . ..
It's emotional blackmail and
It's emotional blackmail and the CAMS worker should call the proper authorities. Telling DH only upsets him and you.
I totally agree but nothing
I totally agree but nothing gets done about it. I honestly want nothing to do with him anymore as I see through his games. The thing is he lives FT 24/7 with me ( my house) as his BM wants nothing to do with her own son and has opted out of her patental responsibilitws. Look the kid has issues for sure, but I'm sick of his manipulative ways. There is no gratitude on his part for what we have done ( or given up) in order to have him living with us... Well he has no where else to go but continues to manipulate.
DH and I were married in April this year... We couldn't have a honey moon as we couldn't trust SS16 on his own. He would have had his drop kick druggo friends over and the place would have been trashed. No thanks.
I just don't know how to handle this anymore... It's gets sooooooo tiring.
And as for the CAMS worker, I
And as for the CAMS worker, I believe they are trained to take all threats as being serious and SS16 has a captive audience in this youth worker so he would be in his element. Total attention seeking on his part!
Agree with RipleyV2!!!
Agree with RipleyV2!!!
The next time the CAMS worker
The next time the CAMS worker calls to say threat was made have the boy committed for an involuntary 72 he hold.
Good idea...my issue is not
Good idea...my issue is not being to,d about all this as DH thinks he is protecting me... But he lives with me and I have to live in his presence so I'm on the end of his bad decisions and subsequent school suspensions etc...
I tried saying to DH that he needs to get tougher with him and ask him how he plans to do it then if he continues to threaten doing it. I do t know what's been said to DH and what's been suggested... I am getting sick of being treated like I'm the last to know...and SS16 when challenged by me says its none of my business as I'm only just the step mother... Mmmmmm it's my house buddy!
This kid obviously has
This kid obviously has abandonment issues, how could he not when his own mother doesn't want him. Is there any other type of therapy he can get, other than CAMS?
It sounds like he is pretty messed up and maybe, just maybe they aren't idol threats.
Someone needs to step up and find some help for him. That someone is DH, but support from you would help.
I dont doubt that he is
I dont doubt that he is messed up...arent we all? But Im struggling with us needing to be on the receiving end of this bad behaviour ALL. THE. TIME without any effort from his end. If anything it just seems like he is using the system to not help himself but to excuse his behavior ...I will cry suicide and people let me do what ever the hell I want. He now knows and uses it to suit him...not help him.
So being suspended from school he is exempt from consequences because he cries suicide? His suspensions are around giving teachers attitude (hes been raised to think the world revolves around him- MASSIVE sense of entitlement, not attending school (stays for days with his boyfriend's and both dont attend school----sick) and not doing the work or handing it up....not doing homework because he says he has done it at school, lies and wants to stay with his boyfriend so in my opinion, he is rewarded by staying days on end with his love interest whilst not being made to attend school.
My children were NOT allowed sleep overs till they were 18, let alone for days on end whilst avoiding school.
My DD20 was just like your
My DD20 was just like your son in her teens. It was friggin HELL. I looked like I had aged decades just in the span of a few years. DD was into cutting, running away with older boys and screaming suicide anytime she did not get her way. A few times she cut so deep I had to take her to the ER. I had her committed to the psych ward several times for her verbal threats. Once she tried to OD on a bottle of aspirin at her grandparents and another time tried to jump off a bridge but luckily someone talked her down. I took everything seriously and used every single resource available to me to deal with the situation. She had a youth worker, social worker, counselors, psychiatrist and the police knew who she was. One therapy that seemed to help was DBT therapy. I tried to get her into an alternative high school that was tailored for kids like her but she refused to go. Instead she finished high school online through an umbrella school. Like your situation DD's father wanted nothing to do with her while she was having issues.
It sounds like SS is using resources available to him but what resources are available to you and DH? Since he's so hell bent on not going to school can he get emancipated? Does he have a social worker assigned to his case making house calls and checking up. Is there emergency foster care available to you to give you a break for the weekend? Can you call the school and report him as truant and have an officer sent over? Have you looked into a rehabilitative kid ranch or other similar program?
As the other posters said I would call 911 each and every time he threatens suicide. Perhaps a couple of times being in the psych ward will straighten him out. My daughter was in an adolescent psych live in program for 6 weeks. It helped her and I had a chance to regain my sanity. Call and report every time he vanishes for the weekend without permission and skips school. Play hardball and use all the back up you can. DH needs to step up, sound like you're dealing with the brunt of it and he's not your kid.
Has he seen a counselor? If
Has he seen a counselor? If not, I highly suggest it. Manipulation and suicide threats? Look up Borderline Personalty Disorder....not saying this is the issue but if it is you have a long road ahead of you. Not all BPs threaten suicide, many people dealing with BPs end up taking their lives as the BP behavior become too overwhelming to deal with. Regardless, the boy needs help!
Every single time call and
Every single time call and say "SS is threatening suicide, I'm afraid for his safety". It probably won't take more than one trip to a facility to squash that behavior, unless he really is suicidal.
"As the other posters said I
"As the other posters said I would call 911 each and every time he threatens suicide. Perhaps a couple of times being in the psych ward will straighten him out. My daughter was in an adolescent psych live in program for 6 weeks"...thanks Still Learning and we have already gone through this with him previously when his BM officially left him abandoned in the psych ward (after he "tried" to OD on paracetamol) and then she took out a restraining order on him after he said he wanted to kill her....shit....I want to kill her too as she is a shit mother to him.
Incidentally, he wasnt serious about overdosing as he took a handful of paracetamol then checked himself into the hospital....if he was serious in my opinion, he would take as many as he could and then hide away.
He has been receiving counselling but in my opinion, only when it suits him and not to help him but to use it to get out things he dosent want to do. He lacks insight into his part in why he is having issues (being suspended) and prefers to blame it on the teachers, his mother etc.
I thought NBPD too....highly charismatic and manipulative and lacks empathy...too young to be fully assessed I guess but certainly demonstrates all the classic traits...Ive picked his mother is the same and she raised him in his formative years (raised an entitled, selfish- world revolves around me sort of child)....then she dumps him because hes not behaving the way she wants him to behave and bingo, he is left to sort out his abandonment issues with us now FT 24/7. BM dosent see the damage she has caused and like a typical NBPD person, blames the victim who is in this case, her own son.
He has had a full psych assessment, but being over 16 we have no access to it. Hence how he is accessing the services now without us booking it and taking him there like we did before.
I feel for him, BUT that dosent help when we are the ones left picking up the pieces all the time (and he isnt even my kid)....I think he is beyond help now.
There is no services or facilities here in Australia that caters for kids like him. Theres only services like CAMS for young people....where they have access to emotional support and counselling.
I honestly hope the youth workers etc do put him in again. But the doctors and psychiatrists sent him home before after his "suicide" attempt earlier on as there was nothing wrong with him. I believe he has NBPD...but theres nothing actually "wrong" with him medically other than he thinks he is entitled to use people and get out of them what he can to suit himself.
What a crappy situation. I'm
What a crappy situation. I'm sorry you're dealing with this and have little reprieve. The only thing that finally "cured" my DD was time and a scary trip to the ER after smoking a "bad" joint at a party.
One of the most important tidbits I leaned from a recent bout of therapy in dealing with DH's son was that DH is the one who needs to deal with his son and his issues, not me. Dh has to deal with it and not dump on me about it. He needs to really sit with the fact that that's HIS son and his sons issues, not mine.
It's been crappy for years...
It's been crappy for years... And his manipulation game is quite sophisticated. He loves stirring the pot at home and getting people worried about him and running around after him, so he can sit back and admire his "work"
Psychopathic much????
And yeah I hear you about how
And yeah I hear you about how it's DH's thing to deal with!! We've been attending couples counselling as we are having a hard time working together as a couple ( recently married and living together since Jan this year)... The stress of his kids ( mainly his eldest daughter SD 21 and his youngest SS16) is horrible and even though DH is stressed over His sons behavior, it's still his son and I have no unconditional love for any of his kids... Who are in my opinion, all highly manipulative and narcissistic.
The issue for me is my DH making unilateral decisions about things concerning his kids but which indirectly involve me ( and they moved into MY house)....I feel like he throws me under the bus every. Single. Time and even though the counsellor is trying to teach us ways of agreeing on expectations today so both parties are being heard, DH I notice still goes away and continues to make decisions against what I thought we had discussed.
The bottom line for me now is I can't stand his kids... I want nothing to do with them now ( they will throw me under the bus too quick smart) and I have no respect for anyone. I'm out to look after myself now. There is no "us" when it comes to his family and I realise now I dint want an "us" version anyway so why keep fighting for that United front anymore????
So when SS16 has his boyfriend over next weekend to stay the WHOLE weekend without asking me and going against what I have said I didn't want, I will be intending to visit a friend for the weekend and leaving them to it. If I come home and the place is trashed I will say to DH that now he isn't allowed to stay based on the pig sty they've both left the place in. DH can't have it all his own way. My opinions should count too.
I wouldn't allow the BF to
I wouldn't allow the BF to come over.
DH doesn't listen to you and your needs, I would pull My house, my rules. You need to start making the unilateral decisions. If DH doesn't like it he can go stay at SS BFs with him.
If SS threatens suicide then call 911. If he becomes abusive, call 911.
You have to realize that you can't change either of them, you can only change the way that you react to them. There will be tons of blow back but if you set boundaries and enforce them you will be much happier.
By doing what you are
By doing what you are suggesting, is doing to my DH exactly what DH is doing to me... Two wrongs don't make a right but I want to raise this ( and how DH has treated the situation) as a teaching moment when we face the counsellor again next session.
He dosent see how he does this but digs his heels in when I do it to him ( when I say I dint want SS16's boyfriend coming over until his grades improve).
We both need to agree to what's being arranged in the home. Not just DH. And I have tried to stipulate what I think is a fair thing ( until grades are improved then you can have him over) but DH over rode me and did what he wanted to do. I'm definitely not happy that he treated me like I had no say. And the fact I'm a high school teacher and do this day in and day out as well as having already raised 3 adult daughters to be productive happy women.... But I'm sensing DH is struggling with the Shame of having such a difficult son... So I'm trying not to buy into his Ive been treated and will vote with my feet by not being around when ss16 and his boyfriend is home.
I understand what you are
I understand what you are saying but you aren't wrong. This isn't a case of two wrongs, this is a case of DH not respecting you and your boundaries.
You've said, you have discussions and then DH does whatever he wants anyway. You are expecting him to change and I'm telling you I don't think that will happen. Therapy only helps if both partners work on it. He's not doing that.
I understand that you're a teacher but you shouldn't be using this as a learning experience, he's your husband, not a child or student. You should have an adult relationship with him.
Never mind SS, he's certainly not going to change. Why would he? His father doesn't respect you and your wishes, why would he? SS does what he wants when he wants, he sets the rules and when you don't like them you leave.
Leaving is exactly what he wants, then he has the house to himself and his BF and Dad. It will be heavenly without you there. Are you prepared to leave every time SS does something you don't agree with? If yes, then you might as well pack your bags.
I hear you and totally get
I hear you and totally get what you are saying. This isnt the first time this has happened (DH not respecting my boundaries)and turning it around and back onto me so I look like Im acting unreasonable. I am now seeing a pattern of behavior in DH that concerns me and Im planning to go back to the counselor without him, and talking through my concerns. What I "think" Im seeing is a covert manipulative streak and one where DH will act all "innocent" around others but will say/do something he knows will "make" me "react" (but I wont) only to imply how Im the crazy and unreasonable one. Or he denies what Ive said to the counsellor and Its soooo frustrating because by saying nothing to what Ive suggested, allows him to say he didnt hear it and then act upon things in a way that suits him. Very passive aggressive and it makes me out to be the crazy one when I say "thats not what happened or what was agreed upon"......mmmmmmm very manipulative. Just like SS16.
I think its called gas lighting and I reckon Ive been victim to it a lot lately....but when I challenge DH about it, he is able to deny or turn it around to make me look like Im the unreasonable one.
MMMMMMMMMMMMMMMMMMMMMM
I had an ex who would
I had an ex who would manipulate me with threats of suicide when I broke up with him. He held me hostage for quite some time until I had had enough. I finally called 911 after another threat and the police and ambulance went to see him.
If I was you, I'd call 911 every time he threatened suicide. Leave it to the experts to assess whether he is being serious or not. Simply my opinion. Good luck!
Thanks for your advice and if
Thanks for your advice and if he threatens suicide whilst in our care we will call the emergencies services for sure, but he dosent. He rings up the services when he is overwhelmed or wants attention and claims he's suicidal without us being aware. I'm sure he has all the youth services hotlines on speed dial.
It's when the services call my DH ( as he is the legal guardian I'm guessing) to let him know what's been happening ( after the fact and in not too much detail to protect SS16's privacy) that DH finds out. Apparently CAMS workers don't believe him but have to monitor him for legal purposes ( their duty of care regarding any person who threatens suicide) as appointments are made to monitor him and to support him, but SS16 fails to attend them. So it's really a game to him but must then realise they are sussung him out so he backs away until the next onslaught of threats and attention seeking.
Me and DH is sick of it.
When my DD went through those
When my DD went through those years she had more rights than me. She had the right to privacy from her therapist, her doctors, the right to leave the house and I could not physically stop her. She could hit me but I couldn't hit back without getting arrested, she could wreck and destroy things with little to no consequence. Yet I was still RESPONSIBLE for all of HER actions and had to take care of her since she was a minor! It was a terrible time, it's a good thing she's my flesh and blood or I would have kicked her to the curb.
I honestly don't know how/why you're putting up with this in YOUR home. The skid, his bf, the drama. Y'know you can still be married and live apart. Extreme I know, but it may be worth thinking about for the sake of your sanity and longevity of your marriage. Get a sane roommate if finances are an issue. He's just 16, he's got a long ways to adulthood and he may never fly the coop. DH could be one of those parents with long term guilt who has to over parent well into their 30's.
Those outside of your situation have all the answers I know
But really, you're carrying several burdens that are not yours to deal with.