Spinoff from "Last Name".... need SM advice!
Forums:
Interesting this topic came up today! I just found out yesterday that my ex-dh and his long time girlfriend have FINALLY set a date to marry! ( They plan to marry in 2012). All of us get along wonderfully.... BUT.... I do still have my ex's last name (she also still has her ex-dh's last name whom she has children with).
Should I ask the newly engaged if my daughter's future SM is planning on changing her name to my ex-dh's? If she is... I would think it would only be right for me to change mine back to my maiden right? Any opinions on how to approach this?
I would change it if you're
I would change it if you're comfortable with changing it, but how does your daughter feel about having a different last name then you? I would keep it if I wanted.
Personally, this doesn't bother me at all. Wingnut kept the last name and while I don't relish the idea of people thinking we're related (shudder), it really isn't a big deal to me. I had what I think is a pretty rare last name before I married and there were still 15 entries for my exact name on google. Plus my brother married a woman with my same first name, so there were two of us in my family with the same name (totally freaked the postman out when I lived next door!!). Noone is ever going to confuse me with Wingnut. So we have the same last name, so do a bunch of other people to whom I am no relation. I know I am the real Mrs. dh and she is the ex Ms. dh. Frankly, she was Mrs. dh longer than she was Miss Maiden Name so I don't really blame her for not changing it back.
"A pessimist complains about the wind, an optimist counts on the wind changing, a realist adjusts his sails"
I agree with SVS, keep it if
I agree with SVS, keep it if you want to. I know other SMs on here wouldn't agree but I for one don't think its a big deal. I tried using my maiden name a few years ago and the schools, doctors, coaches got all confused. It wasn't worth the hassle so I went back to using my former married name for that reason alone.
Thanks for the input.... the
Thanks for the input.... the thing is that my daughter DOES want me to keep my last name the same as hers.... and truth be told; I LOVE the name.... it's a very different name and I love it.... it's my name. I just don't want to cause any upset for FSM, so I was wondering how I could approach her with the issue to gain her thoughts?
I think, if she's a normal
I think, if she's a normal SM, that she would really appreciate it if you talked to her about it and explained exactly what you've said here, that you've talked to your daughter about it & that she'd like you to keep it. Ask her if she has any thoughts on it and tell her that you're hesitant to change it for your daughter's sake but that you wanted to get her input and that you don't want to step on her toes as Mrs ****. Tell her that it's got nothing to do with XH, that it's all about your daughter and HER last name. As an SM, I would really appreciate if Wilda would do that with me (would never happen) but that would go a long way with me to understand why the name would be kept.I think it's really sweet that you're conscious of her feelings on this.
"There are two things over which you have complete dominion, authority, and control over - your mind and your mouth".
This might sound wierd
This might sound wierd because it did piss me off that BM kept the name, but BM isn't under any obligation to make me happy, and being a bit pissed off was my choice. LOL...
I would say keep your name. You love it, it's unique, your daughter wants you to.
Eh- I think it is normal for
Eh- I think it is normal for women to keep their ex's name when they have kids together, until they remarry. Maybe have a conversation with her (if the relationship is to this point) and tell her that you keep it for the kids and when you do remarry you will obviously take your new hubbies name. That way she will have no doubt about it being for some unhealthy obession with your Ex. And only about the kids. She has kids, I am sure she understands. As much as it BUGS us SM's it is cool when it isn't used as a weapon. And I don't think you are like that.
DISbelief~
~You have to BE crazy to UNDERSTAND crazy!~
If you think you need to
If you think you need to talk to her about it...do it ; ) I think that is a very big thing. I am really glad you two get along and you are willing to talk to her about something like this...Could you be the BM to my fsd's? I would love to have a rational BM around...
I am glad that BM and DH
I am glad that BM and DH were never married for this reason!!
But truthfully, no matter what her reasons were, I would hate it! I absolutely would hate if she had my last name. I think it would make me feel like I had to share my DH even MORESO than I do now...
Your SM may not, but I think the majority of us would hate to have to share the last name with our DH's exes. Just being honest.
~*~When you kiss ass, your breath smells like sh*t~*~
I would have to say that I
I would have to say that I think it is so sweet to consider your future stepmom!! My BM still has DH's last name and it doesn't bother me too much (although it would have been really nice if she would have come to me and told me she wanted to keep it because of the kids) but if she gets remarried she had better change it!!
How old is your daughter??
I'm trying to imagine me and
I'm trying to imagine me and BF getting married, and BM calling me to talk to me about her keeping her last name. Personally, I would think it was weird if BM called me to talk to me about this...she doesn't need my blessing to keep her last name because it's the same name as her kids. It would have me wondering what her intentions were for calling me, and if the call was made under some kind of malicious intent.
Everybody is different, but that's just how I would view it. Since *I* know your intentions are pure, I do think it's great that you're being thoughtful about SM's feelings. But as an SM and a BM, I completely understand wanting to keep the last name because it's the same last name as your daughters, ESPECIALLY since she's expressed to you that she wants you to keep it.
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“Some cause happiness wherever they go; others whenever they go.”
First of all, it's the
First of all, it's the thought that counts. I think it's very considerate of you to think about this beforehand etc. I don't like that BM has my FH's name especially since she's remarried now. I don't think that having the same last name as your child's matters anymore these days. I got divorced when my DD11 was very young and we've always had different last names, since I reverted to my maiden name. Never bothered her, doesn't bother me.
My xFW wanted me to change
My xFW wanted me to change my last name when we got married to her last name, he last name was the same as her kids and their BD. I wouldn't do it, this caused a lot of heartache.
Thank you for all of the
Thank you for all of the opinions! I think I'm just going to sit on it for now.... they aren't getting married until 2012 and truth be told they have been very much an on-again, off-again type couple.... so we'll see if they make it to the tenative date. I will also throw it by my ex, maybe ask him if his fiance is planning on keeping her ex's name even after they marry (I wouldn't be surprised if she did).
We are all very open with one another so it wouldn't be taken as weird if I called her, we talk often and about many things so it's not like a call from me would be awkard or out of the blue. I'm just trying to be respectful and as a SM myself, I would appreciate the consideration on the flip side as it completely grosses me out that my FDH's nasty lesbian BM refuses to change her last name.... We don't want any association with the woman at all much less having her parade around town giving off the impression that she's still married to my man.... she still refers to herself as MRS. ***** and calls my man "her husband". SICK B*TCH! WOW... and THAT was my vent for the day!